numbness... any suggestions?

Have you ever gone numb toward someone that you cared about, and it was really hard to reach your feelings for them? I am keeping someone at more-than-arms-length and I'm tired of it.

How do you get past the numbness and feel your real feelings?

I've always assumed that this happens to everyone. It certainly happens to me. Some days I can look at my dearest friends and there's just a void. Nothing bad. Just nothing.

For me the void always goes away. It's a phase in the relationship. Hopefully that's all that's happening to you. If it doesn't change (it sounds like this has been going on for awhile), you may want to consider that either something is up with you (are you detached with a lot of things lately?) or that maybe your feelings for this person have legitimately changed. If the later is the case, you just need to adjust your thinking and let the relationship be what it is.

My two cents.

Cyran0

Look at the time/reasons for going numb? Go back to when it first started and uncover why you went numb and the feelings will be under there. If there was a hurt or fight, you have to face the anger and/or pain and other things that go with that. Look for jealousy if you don't find a disagreement of some kind; did the person get or do something you wanted?

this has happened with me and my boyfriend. i felt like i was the only one but then he told me he felt it too. whats really hard is that it makes it awkward to even act like we care about each other and it feels normal to feel that way. but then i remember how happy we used to be and i want that back.

so what i have found is that niceness and happiness etc is contagious. its a cycle. if youre mad, he gets mad at you for being mad etc etc. but it works the same vise versa. if you force yourself to be affectionate and nice they will return the favor. and if you feel cared about you will do it more also. its hard to take that first step but once you do its a snowball effect.

i have found that if im mad about something stupid and trivial i just tell myself "this is dumb. i dont want to feel this way anymore" and i make the first effort then it makes him feel so good that i want to try that he tries also and we both have felt a lot better. i know a lot of that probably sounds like jibberish but i cant really think of a better way to explain it.

a lot of us arent brought up to think that we deserve love. were put down by friends, parents, siblings - and over time we just dont think we deserve it. so we sabotage our relationships and we bring unhappiness where happiness used to be. thats why i truly believe that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. so you need to figure out why youre not allowing yourself to be loved by someone and to feel love back.

its very hard to look at your own flaws and its kinda heart breaking if you find something about yourself that you really dont like but you have to know yourself first. if you dont truly like yourself why would anyone else?

(didnt mean for all that to sound like crazy, drugged up like im sure it sounded lol. i promise im clean lol)

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I've always assumed that this happens to everyone. It certainly happens to me. Some days I can look at my dearest friends and there's just a void. Nothing bad. Just nothing.

For me the void always goes away.

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I think that's probably true, and a good point. It would probably all be ok... except it doesn't go away, and I'm numb when I really, really shouldn't be.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm going to have to do a lot of sorting through about what I really want and feel.

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you have to face the anger and/or pain and other things that go with that.

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I think that you hit on something there. I don't want to deal with all the difficult feelings that relationships bring up. Fear, anger, attachment, whatever. It's easier being numb.

It's weird, though, because even when I think I'm ready to deal with those feelings, it's hard to get to them sometimes.

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a lot of us arent brought up to think that we deserve love. were put down by friends, parents, siblings - and over time we just dont think we deserve it. so we sabotage our relationships and we bring unhappiness where happiness used to be. thats why i truly believe that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. so you need to figure out why youre not allowing yourself to be loved by someone and to feel love back.

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That is really what's probably at the heart of all of it. After a lifetime of putting your heart in relationships that were emotionally damaging, it's hard to have new friends and loved ones that are supportive. It's hard to trust that, and it's hard not to blow everything up into a huge betrayal.

I keep fighting with myself... whether it's easier just to be numb to everyone, and never invest any caring in other people... or whether life without loved ones is too empty to be worth it.

It's hard to think about giving, and opening myself up and being loving. I feel like I don't have anything to give.

But you have some positive ideas. Sounds like maybe I just neeed to kick myself in the butt and try to open up my heart to other people.

if you force it on yourself it will eventually become second nature i think. but dont expect it to be a quick, easy process.

when i first met my boyfriend i couldnt even let him hug me because of what my ex did to me. its been almost 2 years and im okay with some things but i still feel like i have to have sex with him even if i dont want to because i dont want him to get mad and do something. i know for a fact that he wouldnt but its just been engrained in my mind that if i dont put out, guys wont like me. because guys have broken up with me for not sleeping with them. and after 2 years that thought is still in my mind. but its backfired on me and now he is almost afraid to have sex because he doesnt want to trigger any bad memories and have me flip.

so please dont be hard on yourself if its not instantaneous. you need to give yourself time to adjust. but if you make a conscious effort im sure youll get there.

good luck.

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SweetCrusader said:
It's weird, though, because even when I think I'm ready to deal with those feelings, it's hard to get to them sometimes.

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That's because you've been practicing numbness. It's not a conscious choice sort of situation like a switch we can turn on and off whenever we want. If you travel in one direction, you have to travel all the way back to the crossroads to travel in another direction. That's why after our childhoods/20+ years of difficult times we often have to do a zillion years of therapy (so I exaggerate some; I only had therapy from 1970-2005) to get to the "opposite" of some of our oldest behaviors and problems?

So, if you notice something, the sooner you start working on it the "easier" it is to correct? I've been gaining weight for 25 years so, even though I was thin when I was 25, I can't get back there very easily at 57! People who smoke for a year versus people who smoke for 30 years, etc.