[Rose76]

My boyfriend is nearing the end. Doctors say he has maybe a few more weeks.

One of my two sisters calls me a lot and knows everything going on in my guy's life and in mine. I live far from my family of origin. That sister encourages me to come stay with her for awhile when my bf passes.

My other sister just about never calls. Today I got a "text message" from her, on my newish smart-phone. She said she is keeping my bf and me "in [her] thoughts and prayers."

Is it me being overly critical, or is it a bit odd for a sister to text a sentiment of banality under these circumstances? She heard from my other sister that my bf is not long for this world. So she sends me a text? I find that awfully odd.

[eskielover]

Maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable calling & talking. My daughter hates talking on the phone. I never get calls from her. She texts EVERYTHING no matter what the topic. She would probably be just like your sister.

I understand how you feel about it though.

I am sorry to hear that yiur BF'S health has come to this point. I know you were struggling with his health for some time now

[Erebos]

Well she didn't hear it from you, so maybe she felt it wasn't appropriate to just call and tell you she knew. Perhaps she wanted to let you know she knew, without putting you in the position where you had to talk to her about it.
Perhaps assuming you didn't want to since you hadn't already spoken to her yourself.

I would take this as a genuine expression of sympathy on your sisters part.

[Middlemarcher]

It sounds to me like an appropriate, non-intrusive way of expressing sympathy and support. It allows you room to respond as you wish (a quick text back, a phone call if you have the time or inclination, etc).

[SeekerSeeking]

Hi Rose76, so sorry you are going through this… as for the sister that never calls—she is acting within her realm of behavior. She doesn’t call. Sounds like you are not close. She texted—at least she did that…

And like eskielover said, she may not feel comfortable calling. Plus, she may not know what to say…many folks don’t know what to say in this type situation.

I wouldn’t take it personally—you’ve got enough on your plate. And I’m wishing you strength and love.

[Rose76]

Thanks for the responses above. She doesn't hear direct from me about things because she doesn't stay in touch with me. I feel stupid calling someone who never calls me. When it got to be me who called and never her, I took the hint. I never want to bother anyone who prefers not to be bothered.

My dog died in 2006. The first person I called was her. I thought we had a normal conversation. I was at the veterinarian and my dog died during surgery. I didn't heavy up on her or keep her long on the phone. A year later she said I highly offended her. She claims I said that the loss of my dog meant the loss of my only friend in the world. She said that was highly insulting to her. I never said any such thing because I never thought such a thing. But, if someone in a state of grief uttered such a maudlin sentiment, I'ld chalk it up to a foolish statement that a person suddenly plunged into grief might be allowed. However I never said any such thing.

This alienation has gone on for over 15 years. I've walked on eggshells trying not to offend her. I give up.

[Deejay14]

Rose I think your sister is trying to reach out without being too intrusive and putting you on the spot. She blew it with the dog. She might be trying to make things better. This has been a very long haul with your boyfriend. Think about giving her a chance..maybe talk to your other sister about this. I have seen first hand the devastation family disagreements have caused. If she blows it again, be done with her, but I think she reached out to you the best way she knew how. You can't have too much support at these times. Take it with good spirit. You have nothing to lose and a sister to gain.

[Zygomycosis]

I personally do find it a bit odd. It does seem a bit like a platitude in light of what's going on. It just seems a bit too distant, something someone who doesn't know you very well would say. It does seem like that's the case with you and your sister. But still, she's your sister. I do find it odd / understand where you're coming from. It just don't seem like the most thoughtful thing to do. Maybe she wanted to reach out and say something but didn't know what, and said that, but that's just me spitballing tbh.

[Rose76]

I value all the responses above. The advice about her not wanting to be intrusive would make sense, if I was her co-worker or 2nd cousin once removed. But I would agree that she seems to really fear being too forward. Or she may have other inhibitions. As deejay says, by not reacting peevishly, I have nothing to lose and a sister to gain . . . maybe. That would be the bigger and more prudent way to handle this.

I wish I were so big and mature that my sister's keeping her distance wouldn't bother me. But I'm not. There is a history of hurtfulness behind all this that goes back years. I am grateful to Zygomycosis for seeing something odd in a sister texting a platitude that might be perfectly serviceable were I less to her than a sister. She has a right to choose her close, personal friends. One doesn't necessarily choose a sibling for that status. But decent manners impel most gracious people to at least fake a certain closeness with immediate family during times such as I'm passing through now. She prides herself on being a gracious person who never, ever "does anything wrong." She is one of the most defensive and self-righteous people I have ever known. She can sure pick me apart with her fault-finding.

I wish I could believe I did have a sister to gain. For years I've twisted myself like a pretzel trying to not react to her hurtfulness because I wanted to save the relationship. I feared saying anything that might widen the breech. I just can't sustain that effort. It gets tortuous. Some people you have to meet more than halfway. I'm fine with that. But I don't want to keep sucking up the hurt. I'ld rather let her drift as far away as she may be willing to drift. I'm willing to accept that she may not know any better. But she gives away a lack of interest in me that is hurtful. No one has to be interested in me. But I'm not going to treat someone as if they were when they keep showing that they aren't.

[downandlonely]

Rose, I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend and the difficult relationship you have with your sister. Do what you feel is best about that relationship. I don't talk to my brothers often. One of them hurt me a lot when we were kids, and i haven't really gotten over it.

Originally Posted by Rose76

My boyfriend is nearing the end. Doctors say he has maybe a few more weeks.

One of my two sisters calls me a lot and knows everything going on in my guy's life and in mine. I live far from my family of origin. That sister encourages me to come stay with her for awhile when my bf passes.

My other sister just about never calls. Today I got a "text message" from her, on my newish smart-phone. She said she is keeping my bf and me "in [her] thoughts and prayers."

Is it me being overly critical, or is it a bit odd for a sister to text a sentiment of banality under these circumstances? She heard from my other sister that my bf is not long for this world. So she sends me a text? I find that awfully odd.

Well, better than nothing

[TheLifeFantastic]

A good amount of people just don't know how to react to a situation like this. I've worked on my social skills for a while now, and I'm able to talk to other people about these situations. But with my sister having a battle with cancer I really don't know what to say to her. I don't avoid her I just don't have the words to say.

I believe that many of us are simply not mentally prepared to handle situations like this. My sister could ask me in the future why I didn't talk more to her. All I could just simply say is, "I didn't know how to do so."

[Rose76]

That is part of it. My sister has always been uncomfortable about being in communication with sick people. She has flat out told me that she wonders what to talk about. I would visit sick relatives and love having time to learn more about them and about my family. She would always ask me, "What do you say to them?"

[Albatross2008]

First, I'm very sorry about your boyfriend. I don't even know either of you, and you're both in my thoughts and prayers.

As for your sister, there is no definitive explanation. Maybe a text feels impersonal, but she'd be even more awkward in person and end up stammering like a blithering idiot. With texting, or even with this post, at least you can think things through and go back and edit out what possibly came out wrong.

She could be struggling with knowing what's appropriate and what isn't, and is unsure what to say. Sometimes it's hard to know the right thing to say. Sometimes there *is* no right thing to say, and even when you say and do the socially acceptable things, it feels like reading from a script.

Some great answers. Some people just don't know how to behave in such situations which brings me to ask, how old is she?

In my own observation, young people in this day of smart phones just haven't developed appropriate communication and ettiquette skills. Neither have they had to practise the art of being articulate in what they have to say. If she does fall into this bracket, as excrutiating as it is, you might just have to end up accepting the communication she does manage.

You bear some of the responsibility for the distant relationship here. I suggest being proactive. Be the one to call on occasion.

[Candy1955]

VO may be right here; at least you got something from her.

[unaluna]

I think her remark at the time of the loss of your dog was very telling. Honestly it sounds like something my brother would say; very defensive; they try to put the onus on the other person when they feel guilty for not being a better friend. And now again, kind of putting you on the spot. You cant say they didnt reach out. But how awkward.

[Rose76]

My sister and I are retired, so we didn't grow up texting. We've both worked as professional women. We've had jobs that entailed a good deal of responsibility and the necessity of interacting with other people in difficult circumstances.

I feel like my sister has chosen to put minimum effort into reaching out. That's what a text message is - it's the least that one can do. She can't pick up the phone and ask me how I'm doing? I didn't know she thought so little of me.

[Quarter life]

We cant pretend to know what is going through another's mind...or appreciate that they too may be struggling with their own issues. We can only react to what we know, or are told.

[Rose76]

Everyone is struggling. That's for sure.

There tends to be a pattern to the choices that any given individual makes. That pattern tells you about what the person values. Some people have a pattern of choosing what seems to allow them to evade what might be unpleasant. I don't admire that. I don't respect that.

[Quarter life]

Self Protection is Universal...It is what it is. We can only navigate our own reactions to life events.

[*Laurie*]

It is very difficult - impossible - for me to comment on your sister's behavior without knowing her. Knowing her style. For some people "thoughts and prayers" means a lot. They intend it very seriously.

It sounds like you and your sister would do well to sit down and communicate with each other. I hate talking on the phone myself, it makes me feel anxious because there can be SO many misunderstandings. I would be much more comfortable with emailing someone...I would be able to truly express my thoughts.

Aside from your sister, I am so sorry to know that you are going through the imminent loss of your boyfriend. I know this has been a very long road for you, Rose. I truly wish you peace at every turn.

[Rose76]

I do think "self-protection" may have a lot to do with my sister's standoffishness. She's always had a tendency to be fearful. But she has made herself do some brave things that were hard for her. Then again she has sought security by doing some things that she can't be too proud of. Maybe I'm expecting more of her than she has the strength for.

I'll get through what I have to cope with regardless of how much or how little I hear from her. I have not acknowledged her text message by texting back even a "thank you." Some years ago, when there was a lot of stress in our family, she sent me some pretty nasty emails. I have always believed that people should be very slow to put negative messages in writing. Words that are in writing have a permanence to them. I'm not interested in rekindling an exchange of texts with her, whether that be in email or in text messaging. What seems to start off amicably can take a sudden turn and go in a bad direction. Sometimes people put in text what they wouldn't have the guts to say vocally.

She has a right to text. And I have a right to not be happy about being "texted" to. By now she has probably figured out that I'm not too pleased with her text. That hasn't led her to do anything else. She's showing that she feels some aversion to being in real contact with me. So she makes this choice to refrain from the phone calls that I think are normal between sisters. She can do that. But I'm unwilling to participating in a "texted" relationship, where we make believe that this is normal and nice. It's not nice. It's not normal.

[avlady]

I hope you do get in touch with your sister, i had a sister that killed herself and i reminese as to what it would be like today if she hadn't. I do have 2 other sisters, but we were never close as adults should be. Losing a sister is one of the most painful thing I've ever experienced, I don't wish that on anyone. That is why im thinking that your sister is trying to reach out for you to help you even after she made the mistake with the dog. If not, there isn't much you can do to get closer to her but you still have the chance to try, if it works thats great, if not, then you can say you at least tried. good luck

[Rose76]

She doesn't think she's made any mistake with respect to the dog or anything else.

When my other sister called her to pass on that my bf had taken a turn for the worst, she felt obligated to respond in some way. She could have called me, but she preferred to send a text message. She is minimizing her interaction with me. This has been going on for 15 years. It's not a normal way to treat a sister. I have made phone calls after months of not hearing from her. I have traveled to visit her. I'm not going to keep telephoning someone who seems to want to avoid talking with me on the telephone. I would feel pushy doing that.