My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

Rose, I also find this expression banal and I have never gotten used to it, even though I have seen it countless times, including on this board. However, i reason that other people must feel differently and for them the expression is not banal, or else it would have long fallen out of use.

I wish you continuous strength and courage in the face of the impending loss.

I think banalities do serve useful purposes, or indeed they wouldn't exist.. Recently, I heard someone on TV speak of keeping the family of Anthony Bourdain in their "thoughts and prayers." That struck me as totally appropriate. It would be emotionally exhausting to have to compose some unique expression of concern for every instance of sorrowful loss that we encounter. There are times when an expression of condolence is called for even from someone who has no personal connection to the parties directly involved - like from the broadcaster I just mentioned. We need to have some ready-made expressions of caring that we can employ in these circumstances. I see nothing wrong with that.

If one has a flare for creative language and can craft something new new each time a message of sympathy is called for, that's fine. It can be a little risky. When sending sympathy cards to extended family, I've tried to tailor my written message specifically to the recipient. After sending it, I've sometimes had misgivings about what seemed like a bright idea in the moment that later rang a little "off." When you deviate from the "tried and true," you may strike a note you didn't intend. It's happened to me. Standard expressions, though banal, have a track record of being "safe."

Thoughts and prayers may be the full extent of what I can realistically offer when my concern is for a co-worker I run into occasionally in the work space. For people closer to us we rightfully try to be more proactive. I was at my sister's house when there was a death in the family who lived next door to her. A couple lived there and the husband died. My sister told my brother-in-law to go over and mow the neighbors lawn, which was overgrown. She told her less than eager husband, "It would be the right thing to do." So my sister is not clueless. I was proud of her for even thinking to take the initiative to be helpful in that way. Visitors would be coming to the neighbors house, and helping to make the home look neat was an excellent gesture. This was not a neighbor she was close friends with. She didn't go to the funeral. However, she found an opportunity to be supportive by seeing a specific need and taking care of it. That was a perfect gesture of caring.

"Let me know if you need anything." comes across as pretty trite when she knows darn good and well that I'll be traveling 2000 miles to get to the funeral. I'll be away from my own home and dependent on the hospitality of whoever offers or I'll need to get a motel room. If she had even said that I could stay with her, her message would have had some substance. The more I think about it, the more I see this text message as bereft of any real attempt to be kind or caring. I just feel like a fool for not knowing I was thought this little of.

I'm not close with my boyfriend's family. I feel this is their affair. I have only a half-hearted interest in traveling 2000 miles to attend this funeral. I'm hurt and I feel dejected. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the wherewithal to even make the trip.

This sister has always derided my problem with depression. She says to me, "You just dwell on things too much." I guess I'm doing that now.

I found this article which seems to support my feeling that the text I received was not in good taste or sensitive to the situation. I'm referring only to the part in bold-face below:

HuffPost

AdChoices
THE BLOG
A Much-Needed Guide to Text Etiquette
By Dana Holmes
01/15/2013 04:20 PM ET
|
Updated Mar 17, 2013
Texting can play an instrumental role in communication, but it can also be rude and distracting depending on the context. Regardless, it has become so ingrained in our culture — even my mother-in-law sends texts — that we can’t expect it will go away any time soon. What we can do is learn to manage our texting habits so that we can avoid hurt feelings and confusion among friends and loved ones. The rules can be tricky; there is a fine line between what’s appropriate and what’s not, and sometimes it’s hard to tell where exactly to draw that line. Read below for some definitive guidelines on what I call “Textiquette.” And, be sure to add your own texting dos and don’ts to the comments below.

Embrace the art of the mini mass text. It’s OK to mass text universal messages that a group of people in your phone will surely appreciate. For example, you can’t go wrong with “Happy Holidays.” Still, mass texting doesn’t mean you have to send your text to every single contact in your phone. If you’re anything like me, half the people in your phone are business or professional contacts and include the representative who sold your company new computers two years ago who doesn’t exactly need your merry wishes. And your general practitioner, as much as he might like you, doesn’t need to be in on your intimate affairs either. So chose your recipients carefully.
Mass texting that you just got engaged, for instance, is A-OK if you’re sending it to a specific group of your 20 closest friends and family members.
Mass texting a reminder about your art opening or other event (after formal invitations or evites have already been sent) is fine as well.
Textiquette Dos
If you are running late, text to let the person you are meeting know that you’re on your way. You get bonus points for giving an estimated time of arrival.
If it’s your friend that’s running late, use the extra few minutes of down time to respond to any texts that may have appeared in your inbox on your commute over. That way when your friend arrives, you can be fully present.
Always double check your text before hitting the send button. We have all seen some tragic auto-correct mishaps that can easily be avoided by taking two seconds to proofread.
Make sure to verify who you are sending your text to. Unfortunately, when we write about people in text messages, we aren’t always — ahem — praising their best qualities, and you would hate to send it to them accidentally.
If you are waiting to hear about something pressing, let your guest know so that when you check your phone regularly, you don’t seem rude. And let them know when the situation is dealt with so they know that they now have your full attention.
If you’re texting someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time and the thought crosses your mind that you might not be in their phone, you’re probably right. Avoid getting back a text that says, “Sorry, new phone. Who is this”? and simply “sign” your text, or open with a friendly reminder of who you are.
Slightly different than the mass text is the group text; which is one sent to a small group of people when plans are being made. Do yourself a favor and make sure that everyone in the group has this function on their phones. My husband has an old iPhone, and while he can receive group texts, he can only respond to the sender and confusion inevitably ensues.
Textiquette Don’ts
Don’t confuse someone who you’ve been on only a few casual dates with by including them in mass texts. It can get awkward, fast.
Don’t text while eating or drinking with others unless you can talk about what you’re texting, or it’s an emergency. If it’s the latter, excuse yourself and handle the situation.
Never text while another person is speaking, unless it is extremely important. If you do have to text, offer a brief explanation immediately so you don’t hurt their feelings. Consider excusing yourself if you don’t want to share your private details.
Texting a “thank you” note is not OK. You should always call, send a physical card via snail mail or send an e-card.
Never text, “Let me get back to you” when someone asks you to do something within the next 24 hours. It’s best to decline if you aren’t sure. You can always try to join up later if you change your mind.
If you’re going back and forth with your friend trying to make plans and you’re both being indecisive, save yourself the time and trouble and call them.
Don’t use LOL and other text slang when it doesn’t make sense. Consider who you’re texting because many people don’t have a clue what ROTFL or SMH mean.
Don’t use text slang unless you know what it means, either. I knew someone who thought LOL stood for “lots of love” rather than “laugh out loud,” so when he repeatedly texted LOL to his friend whose father had died, you can imagine the friend’s dismay.
If you are tempted to text while walking, don’t do it. Step to the side and text out of harms (and other people’s) way.
Don’t text somebody you know is driving. You do not want to be responsible for them getting in an accident. And, for that matter, don’t text while you are driving!
Don’t ever text about death or serious illness. Conversations like these require emotion, nuance, and support. They are too fragile to risk being misunderstood or accidentally skipped over.
We’ve all probably had at least one texting mishap we wish we could take back or forget. What texting crime have you sworn you would never again commit, or what offense have you been on the receiving end of that you hope no one else ever has to be?

Dana Holmes is a lifestyle, gift and etiquette expert who acts as Editor in Chief of Gifts.com and the Gift Rap Blog. She has been working in trend forecasting and gift recommendations for the past decade. Dana loves making occasions special with her unique gift ideas, tips and touches. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, Associated Press, Fox & Friends, TODAY in NY and many more.

Follow Dana Holmes on Twitter: www.twitter.com/metromomclub

Working on my "smart-phone," I don't know how to transfer article fragments like I can on my tablet or desk-top. Thus the lengthy excerpt above. It seems to be a minority of posters who get why I feel bad over this. I know I'm not handling this in the most mature way. I think I have enough else to handle right now. E eventually I'll stop thinking about this, and it won't seem to matter so much. Siblings do drift apart over the years. Sometimes it's better to just let go, rather than hope for a bond that just isn't there.

I don't believe there's a right or wrong way to grieve. And there's nothing wrong with picking apart a wth moment especially of someone that should know better-your sister. Great loss changes things for many.

Let it all out, I say. Wouldn't any support group be about that?

I think the synchronicity of the article is amazing.

I completely disagree with article insisting to always call in case of death or illness. its cookie cutter approach. I think everyone grieves different and needs condolences expressed in different ways. I know people who didn’t want to talk on the phone while grieving.

When my son in law died I didn’t want to be on the phone at all. Email or text suffice. My mother is very ill. I have no desiree to talk about her illness much but I appreciate if people text or email that they care. My good friend just lost her father and the last thing she wanted is people calling. But she glad for texts and emails.

It’s clear, Rose, that you prefer phone calls and in case with sister it’s likely
more appropriate. But we can’t be sure that’s always the best approach with everyone.

Sorry that you are dealing with all this. Hang in there

I actually don't agree that it would be always wrong to text about illness or death. It would depend on the scenario and the relationship between the people involved. There are times when a text message could be the best way to show support.

I texted via facebook to a cousin to say my boyfriend had taken a bad turn. That cousin texted me back to let her know if there were anything she could do. She is my cousin by marriage. We are not so close that we call each other at the drop of a hat. But our friendship is warm. Her text to me was exactly the nicest thing for her to do. Plus I initiated the texting. I don't want to have phone conversations with every relative about my boyfriend's failing health.

I don't prefer phone calls. I prefer what shows thoughtful consideration. A text can be a thoughtful way of not being intrusive. That's not why my sister texted me.

My sister did not text me because she thought "Rose might not want me calling her up right now." My sister knows I have no family for thousands of miles around and am very alone caring for my Sig. other of many years. My sister has a pattern of avoiding actual live contact with me during difficult times. I read another article that said some people text because they want to protect themselves from having to hear the pain in another's voice, if they called. I think that's more what is going on here.

There are sisters who are best friends . . . and this sister and I are not. I accept that. But we have not been estranged. There is no feud going on. This is not normal, even for us. She hasn't talked with me in months. That isn't normal either. And I don't know what brought this about.

Unfortunately there is one thing I do know. There was a time when she treated me differently - more like a friend and confident. There was a time when she kept tract of what was happening with me and kept me informed of what was happening with her. Last year she sold her house and moved without even telling me or sending me her new address. I used to have a good income. At one time it looked like I was going to have a lucrative career. I have no children. Back then she said that she would look after me if I became incapacitated. I don't mean she would have me move in with her. But she would be my P.O.A. and would see to my burial, if I died before her. She was the sole beneficiary of my life insurance. (And still is.) She said her son would step up if she, herself, were unable. It seems to me that that changed when it became clear that I would not be accumulating any notable wealth for my nephews to inherit. There is more than enough insurance to bury me and pay expenses of whoever does.

She told me one time about some friends of hers who "had nothing to show for their lives." They had a nice home, but no money in the bank. At that time she thought I was headed for real material success in life. She referred to "average people" as being "local yokels." In that category she included people like "school teachers" - people who would probably never have much money. I never took that talk seriously. I never thought she'ld apply that thinking to me. I guess that was pretty stupid on my part. When people tell you who they are - Believe them.

It kind of makes me want to chuckle as I recall stuff like I just mentioned. It's not like there weren't signs that my sister was a person prone to a certain shallowness. What was I thinking? It's not right to be disappointed in people for being who they are. That comes from me wanting people to be who I want them to be, which is wrong on my part. She's got her good points. People are complicated mixtures of their better natures and their baser selves . . . as am I.

Rose, you have made a perfectly clear point. She is not going to change. I think you need to be prepared for more callousness in the near future.

That may well be the smartest lesson I can draw from this. Thank you for the clarity of that insight.

I don't want to keep going through this. Whether she's callous, or I'm just too easily aggrieved, kind of doesn't matter. (I think both are true.) It is taking way too much time for me to recover from these incidents. She's just someone I need to be very guarded toward.

Sometimes it's best to give up on having a bond with someone. I won't be losing anything that wasn't already lost long ago. I've been nurturing an illusion based on a delusion. I'm afraid it's not the only one either.

I want to stay in bed and do nothing. I misspent an awful amount of effort.

It makes sense Rose.

She does sound shallow. What does she do for a living and what is her level of education that she looks down on teachers? Teachers have graduate degree and in school districts that do financially well make very nice money. Hm interesting.

If she is that kind of person you might have to accept sad reality. K

Accepting reality about someone (even family) is not easy. I understand the feelings you are goung through

Oh... I will borrow this in thinking of some of my own illusions...

When she made those pathetic comments she had not even embarked on a career of her own. She was anticipating great things as the wife of a guy she thought was a real player. His ascent up the ladder of success didn't quite pan out. To her credit, she decided to help feather her own nest and got a graduate degree and a professional job. Ironically, what she did and what she earned put her on a footing comparable to being a school teacher in a well-endowed district.

She found it to be an awful grind though. But she stuck with it long enough to somewhat compensate for her husband's "business career" fizzling out. They both became opportunistic pursuers of heritable assets. This would explain her past eager cultivation of my friendship, back when I was awarded a scholarship for graduate study that she thought would lead to my having a career in high finance. She repeatedly mused that she and I might eventually be joint owners of a business venture. When I visited, she had fresh flowers in the guest bedroom to welcome me. What a disappointment I turned out to be. Chronic depressives often don't quite fulfill the promise of their youth. I guess that could explain her utter disgust with my having psychiatric issues. She has to believe I squandered my capabilities, which I did do. The level of her disdain for where I am in life suggests that she previously felt she had some stake in my success. At any rate she sure isn't going to expend much attention on me now. That's the bigger picture that is starting to come into focus for me.

I guess I can just hope that she keeps those "thoughts and prayers" coming.

Back years ago I called up some telephone astrologer/psychics. I don't believe in any of that stuff. I just needed some feedback and these kind of people can be astute. This was over my same sister being greedy when my parents passed away. A psychic told me her behavior shocked me because I had her on a high pedestal that she fell from. (She participated in our other sister getting disinherited, which I thought was her being a real creep. This was beyond what I ever expected one sibling in our family to do to another.)

That was when I felt I had lost a sister. But I thought all that had gotten smoothed over and that things were back to normal now. She gave the disinherited sister a decent amount of my parents' estate. That seemed to fix things, but what had been done was awfully callous IMO. So she has a demonstrated capacity for callousness. I guess I have to remember that. As Seekerseeking said early in this thread, this may be within the demonstrated "realm" of her behavior.

I seem to have trouble accepting the reality of who and what she may be. Another factor is that she tends to be influenced by a husband who has values very different from mine. She is responsible for her own behavior, but that might explain some inconsistency in her character.

pedestals we create usually have tons of cracks in them we don't see or understand until they disintegrate & the person falls miserably off of them. Remember we are the creater of the pedestal in the first place.....& many times even after it is broken we want to keep recreating it if even less high than before.

Relationships especially family ones that are based on stuff long before we even really remember are not always easy to sort through.

Good point about pedestals. Also I find the quotation in your signature relevant. I've always seen her as devoid of real malice. But there does seem to be an empathy deficit.

Rose, it might seem like a lot to do right now, but I would change your beneficiary. In fact I'd go so far as to prepay your funeral expenses and have any left over funds given to a person of your choice or have it donated to an organization you feel good about.

I think this is an excellent idea. Rose, you will feel less resentful towards this sister if you follow Deejay's advice. If you choose the donation option, I think it would be gratifying to give a little bit to several non-profits of personal relevance to you, so that you leave a legacy not just in a literal sense. I am in debt (gravely), and on SSDI, but if I had funds, I would definitely leave a part of my estate to suicide prevention, because it is relevant for me.

That quote fit my 33 year bad marriage perfectly which was why I put it in my signature to keep reminding me why I left.....many reasons for lack if empathy but the harm is still harm regardless of the reason. Took me awhile to actually see & understand this was what happened.

I understand how it applies.

I came late to this discussion. I am deeply sorry you are going through this. I only have one sister left and she is a lot younger than me. She grew up in the age of text and rarely calls me.

When we were gathered in the hospital last year to be with another sister who we were going to remove life support and let her pass....this sister couldn’t handle it and left. She only communicated through text through the preparation for funeral etc.

I’m in no way defending your sister. But she is who she is. I totally understand that you would prefer her to call you rather then text. I would be hurt too.

The insurance beneficiary is something I think I will alter. I have another sister. But the sister who is the current beneficiary is more reliable. While I haven't said much here about her virtues, she does have them. I believe she would handle my affairs in the way that I ask her to. Plus I might die owing her money. If I needed financial help toward the end of my life, she would help me. The policy is big enough to compensate her for going to a fair amount of trouble on my behalf - like traveling a long way.

My other sister, who does call me, is insulted that she is not a beneficiary, but she kind of gets that she would not have the means to assist me as much. When you have no children, you have to plan for who will do what children normally do. Still, I could have two beneficiaries, and I probably will add the other sister. I also feel indebted to the sister currently on the policy because she has stood ready for many years to be the party responsible for me and my affairs. Sister # 2 has a drinking habit that has clouded her judgement at times. I wish I were really close to one of my nieces or nephews, but living at such a distance has undermined that.

I'ld like someone to visit me or send cards to the nursing home where I end up. People are more willing to take an interest when they've been given something - even a few thousand dollars. So I would leave the policy to family rather than to any charity. I want what I have to benefit me.

What hurts me is the thought that, if I had more to leave, I'ld be shown more kindness. But that is human nature and it's foolish to resent people being human. I have to ask myself what I ever did for my relatives.

This sister does have an aversion to hearing about sickness and sorrow. However, she is perfectly capable of overcoming that, if there's sufficient pay-off. She has gotten involved with other relatives on her husband's side and on ours . . . when she had her "eyes on a prize." I hate believing that about her. I just hate it.

Thank you all. I get to feeling so alone. It causes me to have awful thoughts.

Please hang in there Rose.

Having “awful” thoughts is not unusual in this situation. What you are doing is extremely stressful. It is also a profound and beautiful gift to share an end of life journey with a loved one. He’s a lucky man.

I know it’s been said to death, but everyone handles it differently when facing a death or end of life experience.

I hope you can treasure the moments you have left with your boyfriend. Anger is a normal part of grief and you may be projecting it to your sister.

Please keep us updated.

Rose, please don't think nieces and nephews will rise to the occasion even if they have some of your money. If they don't care now, they won't care later especially if you have such a distance between you. They should have learned long ago that family is important and established relationship with you. Is bit really caring about you if they need money to do it?

My anger toward my sister truly is about my relationship with her. It's not a projection of anything else. There's been years of things not being so good between us. I know she doesn't very much value having a connection to me. That's been evident for a long while. I just kept thinking that coolness would pass. But now I see it never will. I grieve that on top of what else I have to mourn. I really didn't know she thought this poorly of me. There's some kind of a grudge there. It will never go away. I am sad for this. Eventually it won't seem so bad.

One way of consoling myself has been to think about being with my sisters after the funeral. Haven't seen them in over 4 years, due to can't leave my guy and him not well enough to travel. I was with them both 4 years ago. It was great. I looked forward to that again. I thought of the kinds of things I would talk with each of them about. I pictured being in each of their homes and how nice they would be. She still would probably invite me, I guess. On the surface, she will probably make the usual offers one makes.

As for anger - sure my guy and I get irritated with each other. And we get over it. And we fuss at each other the next day . . . and the next. And we get over it. I do know who and what I feel bad about.

Right now I'm irritated about dealing with my guy's family who think I am taking him to treatments that are making him sicker. It makes me short tempered at times with him. I recognize that and make up with him.

I wish I had the maturity to just act as my sister wants me to. I should thank her for her "texted" message of support. Then I should occasionally text her "updates" as she requested. I should make believe this is all normal. I can't.

I know. I don't count on any of them for anything. People are lucky if their kids pay much attention to them in old age . . . nevermind young people who are not their kids.

I know. I don't count on any of them for anything. People are lucky if their kids pay much attention to them in old age . . . nevermind young people who are not their kids.

My boyfriend's adult children have never been too interested in me. Once he's gone, I would be surprised if I ever heard from them again. Maybe they will surprise me.