Still sad after affair

We have been through this with the OP many times over. She knows it's wrong to do, but she doesn't necessarily feel guilty or bad enough about having an affair with a married man to stop it. She doesn't think about the consequences of possibly ruining a marriage, she doesn't think about the wife's feelings, or how this would devastate and ruin the wife's entire life. She HAS acknowledged it's wrong to do and knows it should not happen. But she cannot seem to help herself.

The OP is in a LOT of emotional pain and turmoil in her own life and feels this man is the ONLY thing that will resolve it. She thinks she was in love.

We have all tried for an entire year to help the OP to resolve this issue, we have all guided her to stay away from the married man, to date other people, single men, and to resolve her own problems.... the OP cannot seem to do anything but go back to this man... again and again.

I personally give up. I think it's a hopeless situation. Nothing we say will make a difference, and no amount of morality injected here will make a difference.

I apologize for my post. I know it's probably not very nice sounding, and for that I sincerely apologize. Those who know me well here know that I only have good intentions and want to sincerely help others here. But I am personally beyond frustrated that for a whole year, all of us have tried to advise her, and it's gone nowhere except right back to having an affair again with the same married man.

She is stuck in a very bad position and place in life and nothing will ever change for her until she takes control of her own life and makes steps to improve it. She refuses to do that, and it's all just extremely, extremely sad to me. It makes me very sad that she cannot seem to make her life better.

I was stalk by my brother mistress. I have no respect for people who cheat.

I understand being lonely and desperate. But if you meet all these married men on the Internet hook up sites, you can meet just the same number of single men on those same dating and hook up sites. No need to become a prude. Heck you can create dating profile tonight and have a date tomorrow. If you want some intimacy but no commitment, there are ton of men who want the same.

I heard before that some women look for married men because they don’t want commitment. It’s fine not to want commitment and there are ton of single men who want no commitment either.

Being with married men is dangerous because it could result in legal actions as well as violence against you. It could result with your name tainted at work, your children could become informed of your affair by a family of this man. It could end very ugly

Hello DanceEngine 7,

I read your posting about your complicated relationship. I am so very sorry that you are struggling with intense depression. I live with depression and I find that there are times when I really benefit from the support of non-judgmental, caring professionals. As for your relationship, I have not been in a situation like that and can only imagine how confusing it must be to become attached to a married person.

May I ask if your depression started before the relationship or after? Please be careful about self-adjusting your medication...even if only a few days here and there as you mentioned...that could still be problematic. I encourage you to always run options like that by your MD and pharmacist first just to be sure that dosage fluctuations don't cause more problems.

How's your physical health DanceEngine? A holistic approach is really helpful. How's your sleep? Nutritious diet? Lots of water every day? Any exercise? Even if it's just a short walk around the block? I find it hard to exercise when my depression is bad but the movement can really help to break the cycle because it helps to release more dopamine (a neurotransmitter which helps with feelings of well-being).

Aside from your on/off relationship, you sound quite isolated. Do I have that right? Maybe you don't have a friend to talk things over with or just watch a silly film with for fun? When you said talking to therapists made you feel worse, do you know why? Were they lacking kindness or insight? Were you really uncomfortable talking about private issues? I have found therapy very helpful with my depression but not all therapists are great. Perhaps it would be worth trying a new one? I can also tell you that some of the most important things I learned about myself in therapy were quite uncomfortable or even unpleasant. But that was the starting point...I was able to slowly work through the discomfort from there.

I think that regardless of how things evolve, whatever the future brings, the best tip I could give you now would be to find ways to strengthen your sense of self. Do you know what I mean by that? Find things for you simply because they make you feel good. Take good and gentle care of your body with healthy foods etc. Maybe you don't feel like eating much when you are depressed...try very hard to eat even something small at regular intervals. And keep the water flowing. Dehydration and malnutrition can cause or exacerbate depression and anxiety. Have you ever tried acupuncture? It really helps with my mood and relaxation. You have been going through a lot of stress and emotional pain...finding even small ways to start decreasing your stress level seems like a good place to start.

Something to think over: is it possible that you became attached to a married person because that felt safer for you somehow...what I mean is maybe you were frightened of a full commitment and still wanted love and affection so you were drawn to a married man because he is unlikely to seek a full commitment from you? Just something to think over. When I am confused about something in my life, I try to look at the underlying 'why.' And there are times when that is hard for us to see on our own which is why maybe finding a new, experienced, and kind therapist could help you find your peace.

Please try to disregard any comments where people are telling you that you should feel bad or guilty or ashamed. Issues related to sex and infidelity seem to really trigger some hurt feelings and hostility. Other people's stories are other people's...they are not relevant to your unique situation. Everyone is on their own path in this life.

You are not the one who broke vows and marital commitment. You are not a married person. The person accountable for his affair and the effect on his wife/children is the husband. If you ask any marriage therapist, they will tell you that by the time an affair occurs (husband or wife) there were already serious problems within the marriage. I'm not suggesting that affairs are a good solution to marriage problems but I do not agree with people blaming you for a husband's infidelity or the breakdown in his marriage. Nor am I suggesting that attachment to a married person is the path to peace. I feel quite sure you already know that.

As for people judging your choice to engage with this man, well they haven't walked 10,000 miles in your shoes. So they can't know what is in your mind or your heart. I have never met a person in pain who actually felt better or found solutions by being shamed. I would like you to feel better!!! Hopeful, peaceful, and excited about your own future! The question is: what would help you to feel that way? I think the more you bring your attention back to you, the stronger you may become, and more able to calmly think through what this affair means for your present and future.

You have my support. I wish you peace and healing energy. Here's a safe from a distance. Take good care of yourself; you deserve happiness.

Respectfully, I strongly disagree with you on that. She is JUST as responsible as he is for the affair and for potentially devastating and ruining his wife's life.

BOTH are consenting adults committing adultery. Adultery is not a favorable thing in most societies.

I am not attacking you whatsoever, but you are letting the OP completely off the hook for having any responsibility in the matter by saying this. It takes two to tango, and both people are equally responsible.

I do agree that it is a very heated issue that can be extremely triggering for many people. It may be too close to home to some people who have gone through something related or similar.

But as I said, adultery is not viewed favorably in most societies, so many people will have very strong reactions to this.

I had my own reaction, but for a different reason, and out of frustration. I see the OP not progressing and instead as going backwards after a whole year of this being an issue.

It deeply saddens me, for the sake of the OP, who cannot seem to shake herself of believing this affair was true love. It wasn't and isn't true love. He is using her to escape, and has probably had sex with many others while he was away from her. He was doing so before they ended things the last time, which he is why she ended things. She thought he was seeing other women behind her back and found him online doing so, yet he is also married and committed to another woman as it is. He is a philandering adulterer who is using multiple women. But she is also committing adultery with him, so I like I said, she is just as guilty as he is.

And I do not say this in order to shame her. It's the truth of the matter, so I am being matter of fact. It's an affair and it's adultery. There's no way around that.

You already know he is married and he would never leave his wife. Why settle for second best? You are better off without him.

What is our purpose here on PC? My understanding is that it is a forum to provide support to folks dealing with mental health issues. I do not perceive the role of PC members as to moralize or determine who is "guilty" and who is innocent. You appear to be very triggered by this thread. Perhaps it would be helpful to take a step back and relax a while.

You say you are frustrated that DanceEngine hasn't changed or "fixed" her life. Why are you frustrated by that? It is not the goal of PC members to change each other. She is an adult and we must respect her boundaries. We can provide support and non-judgmental advice but shaming (even if prefaced with "this might be rude but" etc) does not serve the goal of the PC forum. We aren't here to change people or play judge and jury of their life choices. Have you ever made mistakes? Have you always done everything perfectly right? I know I haven't.

My post was not to "let someone off the hook" as you put it nor was it to moralize and judge and shame. It was to provide healthy tips to someone who is struggling. An experienced therapist could help DanceEngine work through the complex feelings related to the affair. And I feel quite certain that an effective therapist would not deem it appropriate to denigrate her, her life, or her choices.

I believe that Twitter and other such forums are where people openly and bluntly condemn or praise others. I do not think that is the goal of PC threads. With respect, I encourage you to ask yourself why you feel the need to judge this person rather than kindly and calmly support? Your "strong reaction" is not about DanceEngine or about me. It is about something that was triggered within you.

Respectfully you are quite wrong and I don't need any PC lectures, thank you. I have been a member of PC since 2015, a lot longer than you, and I am fully aware of the goals and purpose of PC. I have also been fully supportive of the OP for the entire last year and have offered umpteen suggestions and help for improving her life and for getting herself out of this situation.

Nor am I demoralizing, denigrating, judging or shaming the OP. I made that crystal clear that it wasn't my intention, so you misunderstood and lost the entire point of my post.

I stated that I was frustrated for the OP's sake. I also stated that I was saddened by the news that she has gotten back together with this married man. How was that not clear?

This issue has been ongoing for a year -- have you been around that long through this with the OP? Have you offered your help and advice for the last year to her? Probably not since you just joined in December. And I don't say that in a disrespectful way, it is only just to say that you haven't been around through this ordeal. Many of us have been here, supporting her through this situation. It is frustrating to me personally because I want to see her better her life, thriving and happy. More than anything, I feel sad that the OP cannot get herself out of a bad situation.

We have all suggested therapy, improving her life, working on herself and numerous other suggestions to help her, but she is very much stuck in a rut and keeps going to men to solve her problems, and in particular, this married man. I have told the OP in the past that it's understandable to turn to men when you're severely lonely and depressed, but it's not the solution. We have all been trying to help her resolve this for a long time now. With many posts I've made to the OP in the past, I've stated "I say this with compassion"... I have been very compassionate towards her through this.

And when I talk about the issue, I am just being very matter of fact, as I also made perfectly clear. How is that a judgement? It's adultery and it's wrong because it could seriously harm another person. So how is that being judgmental? It's strictly factual. The OP knows this. And yes, you were excusing her from any responsibility.

I have been very supportive of many many people here for the last many years, so please don't insult me with lectures and by insinuating I belong on another forum. Thank you.

According to PC’s policies and guidelines if you believe that posts violate those guidelines of are unsupportive, you are to report it to administration and let them deal with it. It’s against PC’s guidelines to engage in arguments with posters on other people’s threads or in fact any threads. Second of all, golden never denigrates anyone and I have never seen her being anything but helpful.

This thread has unfortunately turned into an argument and is being closed for administrative review.