BF cuddles pillow NOT me

My boyfriend of two months has been cuddling a pillow at night instead of me. He says it started because he had an ex that liked to be cuddled, and when they broke up he started cuddling a pillow. I have expressed with great enthusiasm multiple times that I LOVE to be cuddled, yet he's only cuddled with me a handful of times and for only about 15 minutes.

We've been seeing each other for just over two months and I'm sleeping 4-5 nights a week at his house. I thought that given more time to warm up to me it would get better, but it hasn't and now I'm just getting resentful.

I think that he is still subconsciously in love with his ex. I haven't expressed this to him because I don't want to cause problems, especially without any sort of validation, but it's really starting to hurt my feelings. However, I have told him that I don't like that he cuddles the pillow instead of me, he just scoffs.

He doesn't sleep on one side or the other, he flips from one side to the other throughout the night, when he's facing me there's a pillow between us.

Is this normal? If so, how do I deal with feeling like I'm second to his pillow? If not, how do I bring it up to him to get him to stop?

This would be a problem for me too, if I were in your position. When you say he scoffs, do you mean he mocks you and blows it off? Regarding whether its normal or not, I don't know. I just know that it bothers you, he doesn't seem to care, and yes, it does seem that way that he still has feelings for his ex. Especially his reason given. I'm not sure what to tell you what to do, that's your decision if you want to live like that / have a boyfriend like that, or not. I'd consider bringing it up to him your concerns. If he scoffs, rather than comforts you, that would be a red flag in my book. How is the rest of your relationship?

Some people do sleep with the kids between them or pets between them. In many, many cases it can drive a wedge between them in their relationship.

It does sound that he is putting some distance between you two and generally speaking that would be a problem but you’ve only known each other two months.

It seems unusual that you already spend 5 nights a week at his house. Do you have your own place? You pretty much live at his being there 5 nights out of 7. Perhaps after only two months together you could limit overnights a bit?

It’s much better to warm up to each other in a slower manner. Too much too soon might be causing him to resent you and perhaps withdraw/hence a pillow between you two.

It could also be that he simply isn’t feeling it. Cuddling implies certain
level of comfort and affection towards person. You can’t force it. He might not be feeling it yet. It could be way too early for him

Hmm, I have been sleeping with a pillow since forever myself and it's simply because it relaxes me while I sleep. It could very well be that's the case with this boyfriend and he just made up that excuse rather than explaining that it helps him relax and sleep. Some people are actually restless sleepers and it sounds like this boyfriend has that problem and honestly, my husband was such a wrestles sleeper that we ended up having to sleep in separate beds. You are putting all the weight of your relationship because of how this guy needs to sleep? Well, perhaps you need to understand how some people simply are NOT actually cuddlers when they sleep, I know I am NOT myself and as I mentioned I do sleep with a cuddle pillow which is not like cuddling another person that you can't "just" let go of our push away like you can a pillow. I need freedom when I sleep, that has nothing to do with love or caring for my SO.

So in my experience, you can't really beat around the bush when it comes to talking about things that bother you or hint that you like to be cuddled. For some people, it just doesn't click unless you directly say "hey, I'd like it if you cuddled me because I'm starting to think I'm not as good as a pillow that you replaced for your ex." Direct conversations are better than indirect hinting. But then again, it's only been 2 months since you've been dating this person.

So, to prevent yourself from feeling resentful, to have a direct conversation would be best. If you're not comfortable talking about it, then maybe you're rushing into it and should spend more time at your place instead of his place.

Hello greenplants: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I read through the previous replies you've received to your post. And each member made some excellent points. I think the two things I'd like to key in on are the resentment you're feeling and the fact that, when you mention your concern to him, your bf scoffs at you. Neither of these, it seems to me, are good signs. I do think you are correct not to confront your bf with your suspicion he may still be subconsciously in love with his ex. While you may feel this is a possibility (& it could be) tossing that in his face, so to speak, would I suspect cause a real rift in your budding relationship.On the other hand, the resentment that is building within you is also not going to do your relationship any good.

Off-hand I can't think of any particularly creative solutions to this problem. Perhaps, as I think has already been suggested, this is simply a case of too much closeness too soon. Maybe the two of you just need to back off a bit & let things develop more gradually... if they will...

The other thing that occurs to me, though, is that there is a sense in which this becomes a matter of respect & personal boundaries. If, when you express your feelings to your bf he scoffs, he's disrespecting you, denigrating your feelings & transgressing what should be your personal boundaries... in my opinion. Unfortunately, as I wrote above, I don't know of any way to really change this. Ultimately, you only have control over yourself. You can't mold your bf into the person you want him to be. So, from that perspective, perhaps this is a sign this relationship may not be the one for you?

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may provide you with some additional insight into your situation:

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours

Fall Down; Get Up; Fall Down; Get Up | Building Relationship Skills

3 Keys to a Strong Relationship

7 Pointers for Couples to Prevent & Resolve Misunderstandings

https://psychcentral.com/lib/dont-as...rase-the-past/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...e-a-loved-one/

My best wishes to you both...

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-warn...relationships/

Scoffing is really not acceptable. But other than that I don’t think people are being realistic with their expectations of what this guy needs to be doing. If after only two months of dating my now husband came to my house 5 days a week and stayed over night 5 nights a week and wanted me to cuddle him in bed because that’s what he likes, I’d run for the hills and we surely would never marry. That is not realistic expectations of someone you just met.

He blows me off when I mention it, even gets a little upset when I bring it up. But the rest of the relationship is amazing. This is essentially the only major issue. If it wasn't for this stupid pillow I'd even say he's husband material. I just can't seem to be comfortable with it.

To answer the question about why I spend so many nights at his house is because I live nearly an hour away, with my work place between us, so I can go either to his place or mine, but driving home after visiting isn't affordable for me. He knows that if I visit I stay the night, and he asks me to come over nearly every day. I know that we need days apart, but we really enjoy each other's company.

There are, as in any relationship, new things that I find irritating or different than I'm not used to, but none of them really make me worry but this one and his history of short relationships (his longest being only 1.5 yrs, mine was 11.5 yrs). I can somewhat understand the short relationships but the pillow thing I take personally. I sometimes feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion, but any which way, I still go to sleep next to someone feeling like I've lost the subconscious competition for his affection... if that makes sense.

It's not the part of him physically sleeping with the pillow, it's the unknown psychological aspect. It wouldn't even be an issue if
1. I got that loving/bonding time before bed or sleeping
2. He said he sleeps with it for ANY other reason, I understand back pain or comfort or whatever, but an ex is just bothersome.
3. If he cuddled her so much that he started with a pillow when they parted, then why won't he cuddle me? (And No, I don't stink or anything )

Perhaps the answer is that he doesn’t really know you yet. After only knowing someone two months, sleeping over 5 days a week is very unusual and seems extremely fast. There hasn’t been any time for true intimacy to develop. It would be strange to spend 5 days a week seeing someone you just met, even if you slept at your own place afterwards. Do you have friends or hobbies? What did you used to do every day before you met him? Perhaps you each need some distance and an opportunity to develop intimacy at a more comfortable pace. It seems like this is a way in which you are pushing him before he’s ready and he is pulling away. If you aren’t there 24/7, the desire for gradual intimacy (including cuddling) may develop naturally over time if you are compatible.

He likely cuddled her and isnt cuddling you because he likely knew her for awhile and had deep connection, he only knows you for a short time. There wasn’t enough time to develop closeness. He could possibly not feeling it. You can’t force someone to cuddle you.

You aren’t getting bonding loving time from him because it’s just not there. It might develop eventually but your expectation of close intimate connection and love and almost cohabitation that soon is extremely unrealstuc. It comes across needy.

If you can’t afford driving home you shouldn’t be visiting him daily. Even if he asks you, it doesn’t mean you should visit daily. You are sending him message that you have no life outside of him and your job. After only two months? For you to stay there 5 days you need to have your entire work week wardrobe there.

And if your job is between your two places then why aren’t you driving home from work? Why not just see each other maybe twice a week for a date? Do you actually date and go places and explore stuff together? Or you just drive there from work every day and sleep over? And you continue sleeping over even though you don’t feel his affection? Why? Why not just date like other people do? Does he ever come to your place? Or meet you places? Or take you somewhere? Why do you always go there?

Now I understand need for affection and so on but not after only two months!

I cuddle a pillow myself.

I'm one of those 'how many pillows do you need?' types. When sharing a bed I'm one to slip out of the cuddle and onto my other side and will reach for a pillow. It's the cool clothe thing, for sure. I'm also the type to wrap a leg out from under the covers. But I wouldn't think to wedge a pillow between myself and someone else?

I agree with the others. Too much too soon. He may be pulling away and putting distance between you. If it were me, I would pull back and not sleep over as much. Spend more time apart, and like others say, allow intimacy to develop more naturally.

I agree with advise given, to fast too soon..

I cuddle with my husband a bit but then we both roll over to sleep.. I cant stand to be cuddled while I sleep Im to restless, my husband the same..

Give him some literal space... Let him miss you a bit.

I agree with Scorpiosis, GreenPlants. It may be that this is just moving too fast. I'm really glad things are great between the two of you otherwise! That's positive. Maybe try spending less time with him and more time doing other things. See how that goes, yeah?