[JJ43]

For some time, my boyfriend was depressed and I am sad to say that I did not understand the depth of his depression until about two month ago. He always was cheerful around me, but I noticed that when he went home, his mood dropped.

In the early Winter, he asked to move in which I agreed, but honestly with reservations. I started a plan (longer periods with me) but that was interrupted by his home responsibilities and my mom’s heath; I went to Florida with my Mom for a wedding, and during that time, I decided to accelerate his moving in as both of our restraints were mostly gone.
On my return is when I noticed the depths of his depression -- at times classic leaden, but again after a day with me, he seemed much, much better.

We were taking actions for him to move in to moving in, when last week he told me he need to talk about it because he felt he was using me (financially) and fears of our future because I am older.
Well, the “talk” was that he could not move in with me. The night before, he mentioned going out with a friend (he did not have many friends here as he is from South America expect) and the way he talked, it was not big deal and I was happy for him.

So, Monday afternoon I visit him thinking we need to work out our moving in and the next day I am dumped, although we did not talk about the “friend” and quite frankly, I did not want to.

He says he loves me but cannot see me anymore; I must assume this new “friend” is not platonic.

I love him and I am really concerned about him. He has a lot of issues and to be frank I feel that I did not offer the correct support including urging him more to employment and to seek counseling (which he always refused).

I am also deeply concerned for him and that he is just running from his issues, as this guy literally came out of nowhere and I was stunned.


However, I am hurt and angry for what he did - I don’t know what to do.
I appreciate any advice.

Jude

PS, there is a lot more to this that I need to get off my chest including I now fell very, very guilty for being an enabler. I will ultimately be ok. During all this, I realized that he is a textbook "immature-dependent" and without this won't end well for him. He is 28, unemployed and could be throwing his life away.

[Skeezyks]

Hello JJ: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest. The bottom line here, so to speak, from my perspective is that you only have control over what you do. And your bf is the only person who can control what he does or doesn't do. (In other words, you can't save him from himself.)

You wrote you feel you did not offer the correct support & you feel guilty for being an enabler. But really it is your bf's responsibility to do what he needs to do in order to address his issues. You mentioned he has refused counseling. If this man does not recognize that he has mental health issues, or recognizes he has them but chooses not to deal with them, as I wrote above... you can't save him. Yes, you may be correct. He may be throwing his life away. But in the end it's his choice. I know you wrote that you love him. But if he's unwilling to help himself, seeing him go may be for the best.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some interest:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change | Happily Imperfect

Rescuing, Resenting, and Regretting: A Codependent Pattern | Happily Imperfect

Why Moving on from a Codependent Relationship Is so Difficult | Happily Imperfect

9 Best Ways to Support Someone with Depression

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-f...as-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

My best wishes to you...

[JJ43]

Thank you very much Skeezyks. I am certainly a codependent, unfortunately with some Borderline traits (diagnosed).

He has not worked in 4 years and lived at home when he was not seeing me. I went as far as to get him started with an eBay store selling art prints on consignment from one of my clients who is liquidating a huge art collects. That ebay store has 750 items worth $30,000.

He is textbook immature-dependent and is very slight, soft spoken and "quirky" attractive. It started as a hookup but as time went on, I realized I loved him for all his quirkiness, gentleness and personality. We shared some rather unique interest which made be believe I found a soul mate and he is the only person who sees me as kind and loving.

Here is the bottom line on him:

• 28 years old, no job.
• Lives at home, unless he suddenly moved in with the new "friend".
• Green card holder but not yet a citizen.
• Completed the coursework a psychology degree but never did an internship and never earned a degree.
• Save for what sold on eBay and a few dollars he earned from odd jobs, no money. Maybe earned $1000 this year as the eBay store did not start until December of last year and is finally taking off.

I am a textbook enabler. If you really want to kick me in the ***, I am fifteen years older than him.

But I tried. I tried pushing him to get some kind of job other than the eBay store. I tried convincing him to get his Citizenship. I tried suggestions for at least getting leveraging his psychology studies to get some kind of a degree.

Not only am I hurt and angry that he dumped me so suddenly without any indication or discussion, but he has immediately dove into getting a job and Citizenship and following my advice, after a new person came into his life.

I am not only angry, I am embarrassed and humiliated.

(((((JJ43)))))

It really sounds like you were thrown for a loop and caught very off guard by his break up, because it came out of nowhere. I'm terribly sorry this is something you have to go through. I like what Skeezyks said. That you cannot control what he does, you can only control what you do. Are you in therapy? It makes sense to me that you are feeling awful right now (angry, hurt, embarrassed, humiliated). If you don't mind some advice: maybe let yourself feel awful right now. You are in the very beginning stages of a breakup. And also take care of yourself. Do some things you feel you may enjoy. I would also like to caution you about trying to "get back at him," or "Getting revenge," as I personally have always found this to be immature and not doing much good for anyone. I found myself thinking that the thing with his "friend," is pretty much speculation on your part. It sounds like you do not know anything about this person at all, and it was not talked about, and I'd like to offer a second perspective: in your pain, you are making up a story about what you don't know. I also don't know and could be wrong. But just a thought.

Take care of yourself during this time, JJ43. Best wishes to you.

[MickeyCheeky]

[JJ43]

KnitChick;

Thanks for your support. First as to the "friend" I am not I want to know. I learned over the last few months that he has a textbook immature-dependent personality disorder; having such, its hard for me to believe that the new person is a platonic friend. That it was my ex-BF's idea to have no in-person contact seems to reinforce this.

However, if you don't mind I would like you opinion on asking about the nature of this new friend.

I am in therapy, psychiatrist for my Bipolar Disorder (she also provides some counseling) but is out-of network, so I pay $250 out of pocket per visit and now only see her once every three months. I have a psychologist with a similar problem and I can only afford to see him once a month. I am trying to find a good in-network psychologist.

I am not trying to get him back and I will not seek revenge. Instead of being immature, I am trying to be mature despite my Borderline traits. First, I need to resolve the eBay business. His art inventory comes from a client of mine who owns maybe 100,000 works of art of all kinds. My ex-was on eBay stuff priced under $500 and I am adding more pricey art to my own business. The more important matter is that my-Ex's has no references other than my client, myself and a relationship manager.

• He ask to keep using my Adobe subscription -- I said yes.

• If he needs references -- no problem.

• If he needs a resume, I will help.

I want it all business. I don't want to know what he is doing or what I am doing. However, given the following trait of dependent personality disorder, I may be in a rough ride.

People with this disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions and feel that others have better ideas. They may be devastated by separation and loss, and they may go to great lengths, even suffering abuse, to stay in a relationship. They may tend to belittle their abilities and frequently refer to themselves as "stupid." Other symptoms include:

• Difficulty making decisions without reassurance from others
• Extreme passivity
• Problems expressing disagreements with others
• Avoiding personal responsibility
• Avoiding being alone
• Devastation or helplessness when relationships end
• Unable to meet ordinary demands of life
• Preoccupied with fears of being abandoned
• Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
• Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others

He has all of the above.

My psychologist is very good at "moving forward" and tries to move focus from grieving.

The additional psychologist that I am considering seems (from his website) to allow time for grieving before moving forward. I want somebody to know what I saw in my Ex and why I miss him.

[JJ43]

One last thing. Right now, because were making plans to move in, my Ex's art inventory is in my apartment. Can't throw out all the memories right now...

[divine1966]

I don’t think him being depressed is an issue here. 28 year old not having a job and living at home should be enough warning that he isn’t dating material. In addition if he has no job asking to live with you pretty much asking if you’d take him as a so called “kept” man. Those are all major red flags. I honestly wouldn’t worry about why he is how he is but look into patterns of why would you choose someone like that? Is there a pattern? Do you oftedste people like that? Do you try to save them?

[JJ43]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t think him being depressed is an issue here. 28 year old not having a job and living at home should be enough warning that he isn’t dating material. In addition if he has no job asking to live with you pretty much asking if you’d take him as a so called “kept” man. Those are all major red flags. I honestly wouldn’t worry about why he is how he is but look into patterns of why would you choose someone like that? Is there a pattern? Do you oftedste people like that? Do you try to save them?

Divine;

You are very, very wise. It started as a few hookups in early December of 2014. Then, he went home to South America for about 90 days but kept messaging me on Whatsapp. When he returned, I started seeing him more.

Yes, I saw him as a lost puppy looking for a home. And he had a warmth and kindness about him that I found attractive. And when when I saw his Pinterest Board, I was floored as many of his pins are things I own (minerals), art, and places I had been. I thought I had a soul mate.

My Bipolar depression was not yet in remission so I guess that was part of it. I am (was) an avid cyclist but medications left me dizzy and I could not ride with my friends.

He is very shy and was uncomfortable around my friends; he had none in the USA except family (he came here in 2012). Thus, I became isolated with him.

But there was one area he was not shy: acting out sexually. Now, I will be brutally honest. When he came back from Peru, I looked at his back one day and noticed a big rash -- Syphilis. A few months later, he gave me Gonorrhea. Shoot me.

I tried any number of ways to get him a job and his Citizenship. His act must work well on others because he found a new "friend" that came out of nowhere -- I had no warning whatsover. No hint he wanted to leave me. In fact, he was in the process of moving in with me. I am humiliated and angry that for all he passive-aggression toward me, he is suddenly doing everything that I was trying to help with.

I Wanted love and companionship; so did he. He is not the problem. I am my problem

John

Thank you very much. Your honesty is a big help.

[divine1966]

He doesn’t need citizenship to live in the US as long as he has green card. It’s a very personal decision and not something one needs to be pushed to do. I’d not get citizenship because someone thinks I should. Green card gives him all the same rights ( minus voting).

Saying that, him spreading STD and sleeping around without protection is a different story. I am not sure he wanted love and compassion. He likely wouldn’t be going around contracting and spreading STDs. Him leaving you is a blessing. Please cut all ties so you can heal and move on.

[JJ43]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t think him being depressed is an issue here. 28 year old not having a job and living at home should be enough warning that he isn’t dating material. In addition if he has no job asking to live with you pretty much asking if you’d take him as a so called “kept” man. Those are all major red flags. I honestly wouldn’t worry about why he is how he is but look into patterns of why would you choose someone like that? Is there a pattern? Do you oftedste people like that? Do you try to save them?

Originally Posted by divine1966

He doesn’t need citizenship to live in the US as long as he has green card. It’s a very personal decision and not something one needs to be pushed to do. I’d not get citizenship because someone thinks I should. Green card gives him all the same rights ( minus voting).

Saying that, him spreading STD and sleeping around without protection is a different story. I am not sure he wanted love and compassion. He likely wouldn’t be going around contracting and spreading STDs. Him leaving you is a blessing. Please cut all ties so you can heal and move on.

He wanted citizenship, but kept putting it off. Honestly, with Trump, I think it is a necessity for Latino Americans. ICE may not have a legal right to keep a Green Card holder from reentry, but they can and are harassing Latinos trying to legal reenter the country.

Regarding the acting-out issue, while probably due to his self-esteem issues, it did happen and I should have ended it then.

John

PS - We both wanted the same thing, a LTR. He was concerned that the 15 year age-gap (actually almost 16) scared him that I would die and leave him alone.

[JJ43]

Just to be fair again, other than his psychological issues, he is the kindest and most gentle guy I ever met.

[divine1966]

He might be the kindest wonderful person but common decency dictates to inform sexual partners that he has unprotected sex with multiple partners and there is risk to your health and your life. Syphilis and Gonorea aren’t a joke but I also suggest you test for HIV.

I would really stop worrying why he lives off others, doesn’t work and sleeps around. I’d refocus myself on trying to understand why I idolize and romantisize inappropriate partners and how it could be prevented in the future. Please be safe

[JJ43]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He might be the kindest wonderful person but common decency dictates to inform sexual partners that he has unprotected sex with multiple partners and there is risk to your health and your life. Syphilis and Gonorea aren’t a joke but I also suggest you test for HIV.

I would really stop worrying why he lives off others, doesn’t work and sleeps around. I’d refocus myself on trying to understand why I idolize and romantisize inappropriate partners and how it could be prevented in the future. Please be safe

Divine;

Again you are correct. I am working on it.

Hi John...

I disagree with the other poster advising you that not having a job raises a red flag. That's a generalist and blanket statement that really just perpetuates a stereotype. There are plenty of people who don't work (and many really want to work but unable to due to their own disability. there's also unemployment / economic issues) who are very mature, intelligent, and who would make excellent partners. Having a job does not equate to relationship readiness and emotional maturity. However...

Your ex boyfriend does not sound emotionally mature, responsible or maturely able to care? (he slept around and gave you an std, that's serious), or ready for a mature relationship. Like you said, he's an immature dependent. Thank you for explaining the situation with the other "friend" to me. If your gut tells you something, listen to it, especially since you're the one who knows him. Not us. I'm not really sure I have advice on how to ask him about his "friend." I am very pro "no contact" during breakups. It sounds like you're not at that point yet though. I suppose you could just ask him point blank if it's something that's really important to you. Are you still in contact with him? If so, how? Through Facebook?

Also I'm just wondering if you'd said you'd still be a reference for him even though he is your ex now. Thats what it sounded like, and this really sounds like this breakup is hurting you, at the same time.

I want to validate the fact that you said this: "I want somebody to know what I saw in my Ex and why I miss him." First of all, I have heard this from friends before during their break ups, and honestly, it makes a lot of sense to me. I think that if people hadn't been so hurried to tell me to "just get over" my ex, who I loved but hurt me deeply (people told me he was a jerk / loser not worth my thought and energy), maybe I'd have grieved differently. It sounds like your ex had a soft side, was deeply sensitive, caring, and talented. You both liked the same things. You thought he may have been your soulmate. You thought you could - and wanted to - save and help him. That is very sweet, noble, caring, and compassionate of you. It's also really ambitious, given the information you've given here! I personally come from the belief and school of thought that we as people have many "soulmates." It's definitely not a one and done deal.

At the same time? I really think that you have dodged a bullet. Wherever you are in your grieving process today, I wish you wellness and strength. You've been so compassionate with this guy...it's time you're compassionate with yourself now. Take care of you.

[JJ43]

KnitChick;

I agree about being unemployed and to me "red flag" only means stop and consider. For example, when I met him, he was only unemployed for a year.

You are right regarding what he is and what I miss. He is not:

• Physically abusive.
• Mentally abusive.
• Drug user.
• Alcoholic or even a heavy drinker.
• Materialistic.

The bullet I dodged really was not an STD. Rather, its his dream of having a very long-term relationship and a family with at least one child. When we talked about this, I was pragmatic: yes, but its not practicable until he has a job and my business can well support children, and this is at least 5 years before I would be comfortable. In fact, one of the last things he mentioned to was wanting a child.

So, he told me that his reasons where the 16 year age-gap and his future fear of being left alone, and my not actively talking about children. However, he loves cats and I was about to surprise him with this adorable little semi-feral tabby that I fully tamed. In fact, the cat very much reminded me of him: small, friendly and needy.

What I like about this board is getting varying advice which allows us to process all option.

I am actually doing reasonably well all things considered. My insurance does not cover my psychiatrist (Bipolar management) and fairly far away, and my physiologist (local support, same city) I can't afford more than one session of either per month -- I alternate. However, my insurance does cover a local psychologist, I did find who who specializes in grief and loss.

Like here, I will have the best of both worlds: one psychologist who focuses on the future and a complete break with the past, and one that will allow me to express what I saw in my ex-Boyfriend.

Thanks again,

John

PS - I am actually in a much better state than I thought I would be!