[26west]

Iv'e been married now for 17 years- lately my husband is getting kinda controling- finances etc... He makes me feel sooooooo dumb !!!!!!!!!! my brain says i'm not whild my heart breaks more.....I've tried talking and letting him know my feelings- he seems so distant and un sympathetic-- I suffer from depression as it is and our daughter just came out of a crisis(suicidal) Life sucks right now- I don't know how much more i can take---i also suffer from medical issues - he mentioned last time we faught that he thinks we should get divorced?????? i've never mentioned the "D" word to him IM SOOO CONFUSED AND ALONE_ wish i wasn't here sometimes <font color="#880000"> </font>

[spal]

Wow. That's a lot to deal with.

He is feeling out of control which is why he is acting this way. And he is angry and frustrated.

You guys need to get some family support. Some family therapy.

I wish you all the best with this.

[sabby]

Could it be that your husband is feeling as though he has lost control of certain things and by taking over all the finances, this gives him a way of feeling in control again?

Remember, men are "fixers". When they feel they cannot fix something, its frustrating for them and they look for some kind of control in other areas of their lives.

I hope you can both sit down and have a good and rational discussion. You are both under a lot of stress right now and sometimes things can be blown out of proportion very easily when stress abounds. I wish you and your family well.


sabby

[Perna]

I'm so sorry, 26west. Is there something you'd like, some area you could call your own that would center you a bit better as you look around at what's going on in your family; do you have a therapist or friends of your own, etc.?

I would look at tasks you do like grocery shopping, etc. and see about getting a hefty allowance from him so you have some money to "manage" as well. I'd see if you could have lessons on what he's doing (that's what my husband and I are doing, he is in charge of the finances/investing, etc. but I'm learning his system in case something happens to him). Maybe he is just being critical of your mistakes? That's not the same as being dumb, everyone makes mistakes. I had to balance the checkbook yesterday and was going too fast and would have made 3-4 mistakes if my husband hadn't stopped me. My husband doesn't get angry or make fun of me or think I'm dumb though. But since you know you're not dumb, stick with that and figure he's just having a hard time like you are? When I see we are both having a hard time, I redouble my efforts to see if there's something I can do that will make my husband feel "better" and that makes me feel better too.

But if things are getting too much and your husband isn't being at all "friendly" then maybe go see a lawyer and see what you should watch for/do and how to deal with it so it doesn't come out all in his favor.

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this and wish that I'd have read the post prior to seeing you in chat. (((((26west))))) I'm sure that he's worried and frustrated. Is he willing to go to a marriage councelor?

[sunrise]

I'm sorry things are not going well with your marriage, 26west. Do you have a therapist? If not, I would recommend going to a family therapist with your husband to try to work on some of the problems that are occurring right now. If your husband won't go to the family therapist with you, it is worthwhile to go on your own. Many family and marriage therapists work with only one half of the couple. You need support and help figuring things out. And to work on your depression also. If you and your husband get couples counseling, you can work on things like communication, the control issue, how what he does makes you feel dumb, etc.

In addition, I would recommend becoming as knowledgable about your family finances as possible. Even if you don't control them, you can still be knowledgable about them. Know all your assets, accounts, mortgage, retirement investments, etc. Know where all your financial statements are stored in your house. Read and understand each statement as it arrives in the mail. Perhaps even keep duplicate copies for yourself in a safe place.

Best of luck.

[AlteredState01]

[26west]

Thanks for the suggestions,
he is not willing to c a counselor(Tried) we have 2 go 4 our daughter and he is hating it...i do have a counselor not 2 many friends though most of my friends r back where i grew up- not here.

[26west]

We do have our bills separated- he makes twices as much as myself + i carry all the health and dental insurance. After taxes i don't bring home much but im suppose to buy food for the whole family, pay for our phones, electric, water co-pays for doctors and meds- gas for my car(i drive all day) the pets and anything else that comes up - he flipped when i asked him for a check for a bill he said he was in charge of?????.......
I have a therapist, we have 2 c a therapist for our daughter (he's not happy about this) he has turned into such a control person i don't know what to do..Im smart, caring and very loyal i never had $$$$ problems til lately- im sooo confused

[sunrise]

26west, I am worried that he has separated his finances from yours and that you each have separate financial responsibilities instead of sharing expenses jointly. This is not typical for married couples (although not unheard of). It almost sounds as if he is preparing to split with you. Or have you always handled your finances this way? If you don't have enough money left to buy what is needed after you pay all of "your" bills, you should ask him to pay the bills for phones, electric, etc., so that you have more left over for other expenses. Then you won't have to go to him for money for these other things. But if he is such a control freak, he probably wouldn't agree to that. What bills does he pay, by the way--housing? If nothing else, I would say financial counseling (family money management) would be useful to you two. If one person "controls" the money in the marriage, it makes the other person feel devalued, like a second class citizen. Counseling could help him see this. But does he want to improve things?

Even if you want to stay married, it would not hurt to go see a divorce lawyer to learn what your rights are and how to start protecting yourself now. The fact that you are being treated this way has nothing to do with whether you are smart, caring, loyal, etc.--I doubt changing your behavior or personality would result in better treatment. You do not deserve to be treated this way!

Take care. Good luck.

[26west]

Still at a loss--- He never use to be like this - actually i use to handle all the finances- however we lost our home due to him spending too much on drugs and alcohol then. Since we have moved away from where i grew up back to where he grew up i was doing most of the bills(i do not make much at a non-profit organization but i love my job)just recently over the past year he started taking over_which some i don't mind but to tell me and constantly question where my money is going is not fair . it hurts everytime--- we have three kids two at home both teenagers- i buy all food, pay for tv,electric, water- vets, doctors medications trash pick up ,propane not to mention gas for my job- i dont drink or smoke and i shop at goodwill he pays for the mortgage, insusrance for house and cars,property taxes and car payment. he is also suppose to pay for upkeep of the vehicles(he had a cow tues for the 25$ to have my oil changed. he also pays for his cigs(i do sometimes)his gas and oil to heat. class dues , field trips, cell phone pictures _ i usually beg and borrow to pay for - i'll work overtime wich is not easy with my lupus and fibromyalgia which i go paralyzed from. I ve tried talking to him- i keep my check book open for him to see- i buy nothing- but i cant even buy what we need. I have medical and dental taken out of my check also- he said he'd pick it up at his job but i'll have to pay him for it?????????.HELP...i feel soo stuck and alone--i never had $$$trouble b4 this.

[salukigirl]

im sorry to hear about all this. to me it doesnt sound like money is the issue. to me this sounds like it goes much deeper than just financial. accusing someone of outrageous things sometimes means that they are the ones doing whatever theyre accusing you of. like when the jealous boyfriend constantly accuses his loyal girlfriend when hes the one cheating, or vise versa. i would say that you need to look at what the real problem is. tons of couples fight about money, if not all couples, eventually. but when you cant come up with a compromise is when you have a problem. the accusing you is what scares me especially if thats out of nowhere.

i would say to try and get out of him whats really going on. im a little paranoid but to me, it would occur to me that he is spending money on something he isnt supposed to. it also scares me that he used to have a problem with drugs and alcohol. has he been to any kind of counseling or gotten any help for it?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
26west said:
HELP...

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Please discuss these problems with your counselor. And seek the advice of lawyer too. I agree, you need help! Please turn to these professionals quickly. You say you have tried talking to your husband about these problems. Turn elsewhere now.

If it were me, I might try one more time with my husband, just make one more request, just to make sure he really is getting the message that this is very serious. I would say, "I don't have enough money to pay all the bills and expenses. It would work better if we both put our paychecks into a joint checking account and paid our bills from there. Most married couples do it this way. Since our current system is not working, shall we try it? If we are spending too much money, shall we sit down together and work out a budget that will allow us to live within our means?" If he says no, I would hightail it for the lawyer's doorstep and get some legal advice. When you are married, your income and accounts are community property and I believe each spouse has legal rights to all accounts. I'm not sure your husband can keep you from his bank account. Your lawyer will know. Best of luck.