[PotentAnarchist]

My ex-wife and I are friends. We have been divorced for 7 years, and have four children. It took us about two and a half years past our divorce to get here, but we have committed to our children to spend major holidays like birthdays, thanksgiving. and christmas together. And have been doing so since out divorce. It has worked out well for us, and the kids love that we get along. at 17,16,14, and 9 they understand that we make better friends than a married couple, and they are glad to see us getting along after the crap of the first two years. We have been "family" for more than half her life, and have been in relationships where our significant others are included in our friendship with no issue.

But here is where the issue comes in.

My gf of five years (off and on) tells me that my relationship with my EW is "inappropriate". She says "divorced coupled get divorced, and then they separate."

I believe this is because her relationship with her ex husband is extremely contentious. My relationship is not inappropriate, it's simply atypical.

I have been to multiple therapists, and all of them commend my EW and I for making the mature decision to maintain a relationship in this fashion for the benefit of the kids. All of our friends say the same. Even strangers who we meet and who learn about our situation, all say the same thing.

But, my GF says everyone she has told about the situation says it's inappropriate. Including her therapist. I have offered to come to therapy with her to speak with her therapist about the situation, but her therapist refuses to see both of us.

Suggestions? I will answer any questions. I am an open book with regards to this.

[Bill3]

Your relationship with your ex is admirable and exemplary.

I have four children by four different ex's, and I'm still friends with all of them. Your GF would hate me Granted it's taken a lot of hard work to get to this point, but the children are the most important people in this situation.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((PotentAnarchist)))) I think you're in the right. What you are doing is absolutely wonderful. I understand why your GF would feel upset, but try to make her understand that you're doing this for your own children, as well. Perhaps SHE could go to therapy with you? Would your therapist accept this?

[unaluna]

Or see a separate couples counselor with the gf. Whats her issue? She wants the holiday to be just you and her, or with her family? What is her relationship with your kids? Can she join your family holiday gatherings? Does your ex bring a partner?

You have another ten years with your youngest child, at least. Does your gf want her own child? Who do you live with, i.e., is there shared custody?

Sorry! But it sounds like gf thinks you are having your cake and eating it too, and she doesnt even get fruitcake? Idk.

Your relationship with your ex is not at all inappropriate, it is highly commendable and ideal for the kids as divorced parents. So what’s your girlfriend’s gripe? Is she jealous or worried you still have feelings for your ex? When anyone gets involved with a divorcee they must understand that the kids come first, and that may mean sharing holidays with the ex. Your situation is atypical but not wrong. Your girlfriend needs to understand somehow that this is a healthy situation. I can understand that it may be hard for her to endure, but she needs to be a grown up and make compromises about this if she wants to be with you. That being said, I don’t have any great suggestions except to explain it to her.

[PotentAnarchist]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Or see a separate couples counselor with the gf. Whats her issue? She wants the holiday to be just you and her, or with her family? What is her relationship with your kids? Can she join your family holiday gatherings? Does your ex bring a partner?

You have another ten years with your youngest child, at least. Does your gf want her own child? Who do you live with, i.e., is there shared custody?

Sorry! But it sounds like gf thinks you are having your cake and eating it too, and she doesnt even get fruitcake? Idk.

1. She thinks we need to start our own traditions even though we have a commitment to our kids (my EW and I) that we have fulfilled the last 7 years.

2. the relationship with my kids is good. She's respectful and treats them age appropriately.

3. I have asked her to join in. She is hesitant due to anxiety that she suffers from.

4. In the past, yes, my ex has brought a partner. never an issue

5. She has two of her own, and I have a vasectomy, so no further children.

6. I live on my own, with a shared custody agreement with my EW.

[PotentAnarchist]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Your relationship with your ex is not at all inappropriate, it is highly commendable and ideal for the kids as divorced parents. So what’s your girlfriend’s gripe? Is she jealous or worried you still have feelings for your ex? When anyone gets involved with a divorcee they must understand that the kids come first, and that may mean sharing holidays with the ex. Your situation is atypical but not wrong. Your girlfriend needs to understand somehow that this is a healthy situation. I can understand that it may be hard for her to endure, but she needs to be a grown up and make compromises about this if she wants to be with you. That being said, I don’t have any great suggestions except to explain it to her.

She says that "when two people get divorced, they need to begin a new life without their exes in it". (remember, her relationship with her ex is strained at best) She knows I don't have feelings for my ex any longer.

[SorryShaped]

I think you're doing things the right way, op

[TishaBuv]

There is no rule book. If this is working for your family, then it is right for you. Your gf sounds insecure and jealous and that’s why she is trying to put a stop to your joined holidays. She’s going to have to come to the joined celebrations and put on a happy face or I doubt you and her will work out. If she is the reason for you stopping the tradition you have done for the past several years, your children will resent her.

Once your kids are older, this tradition will probably come to an end. But who knows? Maybe it can continue on. I think it’s lovely!

[PotentAnarchist]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If she is the reason for you stopping the tradition you have done for the past several years, your children will resent her.

Most likely I would resent her as well. I agree with your statement 100%

[healingme4me]

I'm in a similar predicament with my exh and it took years to get to a point of being amicable. There's been health scares during these years on both sides. And times like those put perspective on life and focus on what happens for the kids if anything happened to either one of us. We're going to need to choose civility for graduations and weddings and other major life events. It's considered in my social circle coparenting.
Are there times when putting on the parenting front that I cringe and remind myself the divorce was the right call? Absolutely.
I've met others through these years that also coparent. It's not inappropriate to discuss what's going on in the kids lives. It maybe atypical but I know how important he is to my sons. They are 15,13,11. I've been divorced 8.5years.

Originally Posted by PotentAnarchist

She says that "when two people get divorced, they need to begin a new life without their exes in it". (remember, her relationship with her ex is strained at best) She knows I don't have feelings for my ex any longer.

She is applying her experience and her rules to your situation, which is not fair to you. It actually angers me. She is being far too rigid and inflexible. She's the one who needs to change her perspective, not you. You are doing what is actually best for the kids, and I think it's terrific that you are friends with your ex. She needs to get over it and adjust, or else it doesn't seem it will work.

[PotentAnarchist]

A few more points that she contends.

A. I’m “asking her to allow my EW into her life” when I ask her to join in on the joint celebrations. And that me asking is f’d up.

B. My kids love my cooking. And they’ll often ask me to cook for them particular dishes. I live in a small apartment. So I will often go to my EW house and cook for everyone. Including the EW and many of our mutual friends. Just like we do for joint holidays etc....

C. She has not stated “I don’t like EW and I don’t want her in my house”. Which means if we share a house she’s not welcome. That’s bs IMO. And extremely childish.

I'm sorry, PotentAnarchist, but it seems you two have very opposing viewpoints on this matter. If she cannot bend in her stance, I am afraid you have the answer as to whether this will work out with her. And yes, I agree with you. She is acting like a spoiled brat and is being extremely immature and childish.

[Bill3]

It does not appear that current gf is going to work out.

She is demanding that you choose between her and your children.

Which do you choose?

[luvyrself]

I guess I’m the dissenter here. I too have an unusual situation in that I actually live w my ex as friends. We bought a house as an investment. We were apart during much of my sons childhood. We had joint custody and are both very mild mannered people. But we didn’t do things in a totally combined group. Jealousy , eg territoriality is a normal emotion. She is nice to the kids, but I think forcing her to associate unnecessarily and against her will with your ex goes against human nature. Of course she needs to know that you are important as a couple.
I understand the new girlfriends position. You could have two smaller get togethers for big holidays rather than trying to squash everyone in together. She should not have to feel like an add on in those get togethers.

[healingme4me]

I did have a therapist advise to err on the side of caution in coparenting. It can give children a sense of inner hope for reconciliation. I am positive my sons are well beyond the holding out of hope and desire.
Holidays are kind of a jumbled oddity. When the boys were little, there were a couple of Christmas mornings when he came over to see their faces light up. Typically, however, he works many holidays as he did even when we were married. There have been years the boys have visited and celebrated with him on the Eve then I'd pick them up for the night into the next day. Some Thanksgivings we'd plate up some leftovers and bring him food to his workplace by virtue of the boys didn't want their father without a hot plate of an important meal.
I get how difficult it is to force kids to choose between family homes and whom to spend holidays with. I also appreciate the shared heartache of some of my friends who by decree must be separated for weeks at a time.
Coparenting is also a matter of compromise. Kids can be resilient and understanding of celebrating on different days.
I've seen various scenarios and agreements between amicable parties.
Where do things go once the kids are fully grown and on their own?

[PotentAnarchist]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I did have a therapist advise to err on the side of caution in coparenting. It can give children a sense of inner hope for reconciliation. I am positive my sons are well beyond the holding out of hope and desire.
Holidays are kind of a jumbled oddity. When the boys were little, there were a couple of Christmas mornings when he came over to see their faces light up. Typically, however, he works many holidays as he did even when we were married. There have been years the boys have visited and celebrated with him on the Eve then I'd pick them up for the night into the next day. Some Thanksgivings we'd plate up some leftovers and bring him food to his workplace by virtue of the boys didn't want their father without a hot plate of an important meal.
I get how difficult it is to force kids to choose between family homes and whom to spend holidays with. I also appreciate the shared heartache of some of my friends who by decree must be separated for weeks at a time.
Coparenting is also a matter of compromise. Kids can be resilient and understanding of celebrating on different days.
I've seen various scenarios and agreements between amicable parties.
Where do things go once the kids are fully grown and on their own?

OUr kids are in no way hoping for reconcilliation. They understand 100% that we are better this way than we are together.

There would NEVER be a force for the kids. They can choose. I have at leadt ten years with the youngest, but the rest are already pretty independent.

[TishaBuv]

It’s pretty scary and intimidating to a gf to contend with. If she feels insecure, she can easily worry that your good relationship divorce can become a reconciliation and she will be pushed out. What you do works best for you and it will take a very secure gf to happily support it and act comfortable.

[PotentAnarchist]

So last night was not good. Here are some of the things she said.

1. Just because she is the mother of your four children, doesn't make her family.
2. If she's your family, go be with your family
3. You're in a relationship with your ex wife.

Also, I found out she's talking to her best friend about this whole situation, and her best friend is sending her web resources saying that my relationship with my ex is unhealthy. So that's not helping at all.

[TishaBuv]

It doesn’t matter if she finds 100 people and articles to tell you that you are wrong. That doesn’t mean you are wrong. There is no right or wrong here. The bottom line is this is what you want to do. It seems she has made this into a deal breaker.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like this is a "power" issue for your current girlfriend where she feels your X has the power over you and that compromises your girlfriend's power over you. If your gf has children herself she is probably jealous that you can stay connected to your own family and she can't do that with her own children and her X. Maybe her ex cheated on her leaving her very insecure?

[Bill3]

Also, I found out she's talking to her best friend about this whole situation, and her best friend is sending her web resources saying that my relationship with my ex is unhealthy. So that's not helping at all.

I agree with TishaBuv.

You can figure out for yourself what is healthy for you and for your children. Whatever articles gf and her best friend dig up are irrelevant.

1. Just because she is the mother of your four children, doesn't make her family.
2. If she's your family, go be with your family
3. You're in a relationship with your ex wife.

I'm having difficulty seeing how your gf is going to accept any sort of connection with your ex.

She wants you to have your ex entirely out of your life.

I think you are going to have to choose between the relationship with your ex and your kids that you and your kids want, and a relationship with the gf (which includes the relationship with your kids that gf wants you to have).

Which do you choose?

Originally Posted by PotentAnarchist

So last night was not good. Here are some of the things she said.

1. Just because she is the mother of your four children, doesn't make her family.
2. If she's your family, go be with your family
3. You're in a relationship with your ex wife.

Also, I found out she's talking to her best friend about this whole situation, and her best friend is sending her web resources saying that my relationship with my ex is unhealthy. So that's not helping at all.

She sounds jealous of your ex. She is not secure enough within herself to be able to handle this situation. A very secure person would not say such things.