I am really struggling

Yes which is why I’m not giving up on him. I corrected one of the people who was advising him , and I spoke my truth in front of another one and tried to reach out to a third.
He has both ptsd and autism so he’s quite volatile. Before things fell apart I was beginning to understand what was required of partners of aspergers and I balked. I had too much going on with my own ptsd as well as my daughter at the time to deal with it.
I really appreciate your answer. You get it. I’ve seen how children with autism act, they’re in their own world. One of my neighbors has an autistic child.
He broke the silence on Thursday through email and while it’s not nearly enough it’s better then silence. He has been silent on social media through for over a month which is very unusual for him.
Much of what I read about having a partner with aspergers warns ppl away, I’ve read that ppl with aspergers can appear narcissistic or psychopathic on the surface.
My own t would tell me I don’t need that , I should go out and enjoy life. She would tell me not to let him use me like a snack machine to get the emotional reaction he wanted. She would tell me to let him live his own life and go meet some nice man who would treat me better.
On the other hand my p doc was skeptical if my t was really helping me at all because she was only seeing me once a month.
My t thought I was doing fine and I didn’t need therapy.

You’re speaking in the plural as if this is a pattern with me. Under ordinary circumstances I would not pursue a man, it goes against my own personal code . I’m not chasing a man who ditched me and is not nice to me. I’m trying to get through to a man who has aspergers and is not talking to anybody that knows me. Not only has he cut me off, but he’s not talking to anybody that I know of right now.
You speak to me as if I’ve never had therapy. I have had years and years of therapy, both individual and group.
The unhealthy relationship pattern is the man I love has aspergers and I don’t know how to relate to him. He said he broke up with me in November of 2016 yet asked me out for my birthday in June of 2018. I did not accept his invitation at the time and I deeply regret it. He didn’t give up on me. I’m not going to give up on him.

It's important that you understand that even when you correct other people in how they advise him, it wont change that HE still genuinely doesn't understand what to do or how to respond to you or your needs. His calling you to get together for your birthday doesn't go as deep as you think it does. Instead it's more of him remembering that when it's someone's birthday you remember and wish them happy birthday and maybe do something nice. You see leomama, it's a task he remembers in what to do for a birthday, it's not about "love and caring", they simply don't go that deep. His brain is wired differently than yours, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT. Your "feeling" about caring and not giving up on him? He is not capable of have that kind of "feeling", it's just not there in his wiring.

He called me two months before my birthday to take me out, remember I’m a Leo.
I think he was capable of caring about me at one point. When I showed him my sleep logs he said he was sorry I was suffering and didn’t mean to hurt me. That was this week.
What do you suggest I do? Are people with aspergers capable of loving other people? From what I’ve read it can be very difficult for their partners. I even knew a woman who suspected her husband had aspergers and I could tell it was hard.

leomama

They may love head knowledge what they think is love but from personal experience neither my dad nor my Ex-H was capable of having a REAL emotional connection. If that is what you are looking for you won't find it where you are looking. He has already demonstraited that with the way he has treated you.

We had it in the past so I know he’s capable of it. He doesn’t believe me that I still love him or that I want to get back together with him. He doesn’t trust me. He thinks it’s a trap. I’m trying to reason with him. He seems content to live his life without me limited as it is and I’m trying to tell him he doesn’t have to do that, I’m right here.

leomama I agree with eskie and she should know in that she sure had a lot of experience when it came to interacting with someone with this challenge. Unfortuntely, for eskie as she has shared with you there was no actual help for her at the time so she would know why both her father and her now ex were so difficult to interact and form an actual connection with. leo, it's important to understand that these individuals want to connect better yet they genuinely continue to struggle to do so because they simply are wired differently. I would correct the last sentence that eskie posted from you should know by the way he has treated you TO you should know by the way he has interacted with you, there is a difference in that with him it's not intentional, it's only what he is capable of. It's similar to if someone genuinely can't see the color blue, no matter how much you try to help him/her and explain it, they just simply cannot see that color but may learn how to remember the sky is blue and a room in their house is blue and some birds are blue, but that never means he will genuinely know what "blue" really is or looks like, understand??

Hi Leomama,

I sympathize. However, it did not sound like a healthy relationship. He was disrespectful of you. I understand you miss him. Please don't expect too much from the new relationship. It might not work out this time.

Yes. What do you suggest I do?

It’s just an email exchange at this point.

maybe he is content without you. Trying to figure out how to make a relationship work is exhausting for them as it is for the other person. Why are yiu telling him how to live his life just to make you happy? That is very presumptious of you to tell him how limited his life is without you. Maybe he has realized that simple is what he needs. It's not all about you & what you want like it sounds you are trying to make it.

I’m
Sorry, that’s not what I said. And since he’s not here to speak for himself I’m not going to repeat what he said. It’s obvious he’s living his life without me or else he would’ve called me.

Even if he is having difficult time with relationships, he clearly is capable of dating and committing and having friendships/interactions/with women. He was married before even if it didn’t work out. So I’d say if he wants to be in a relationship, with you or anyone else, he knows how to. I’d not be telling him that he doesn’t have to be without you. It’s his call. I’d not assume his life is limited at all.

Again, since he's not here, I'm not going to speak for him. I never said his life was limited. I don't really feel comfortable talking about him anymore since I'm now corresponding with him and he was a member of this forum even though he's not currently active.

I can only speak for myself. I am really struggling being apart from him. I know we both live with the daily heartbreak of being apart. However he and I have two different beliefs. He believes our future blew up, I believe it is alive and well. Our future is us and as long as we are alive, it is alive.

He doesn't believe that I love him, am interested in him and that my feelings for him never changed and I don't know how to convince him I am telling him the truth.

I do believe this is a function of his aspergers , and I know there is help out there for partners of people with aspergers. It was frightening what I was reading when I was researching that subject. People with aspergers act like narcissists even though the underlying reasons are different. They can come across as psychopaths even though the reasons for the behavior are different. As I said there is a kid in my complex with autism and he is nonverbal. His mother is constantly cajoling and reassuring and coraling him. Its exhausting.

I'm not going to give up unless he tells me to. In the past he would tell me not to contact him and then the next day he would email me. This is how our relationship has been. It has been very volatile. I'm trying to bring peace to it now.

I was his peak experience. And I am still alive and available and interested in him. He just has to come to believe that. So, no, I'm not going to give up.

Don't know but those words are a direct quote from what YOU POSTED in this thread.

And I said I would not quote him as he is a former member of this forum and I have too much respect for him to do that. Why are we arguing about my words? How is this helping me? Look, he doesn’t believe I still love him and I never stopped loving him. He has aspergers or level 1 autism depending on your preference. I’m looking for help with that not to be judged for talking.

I wonder what’s going on. You often post something but then in a very next post say that you never posted it. Maybe you don’t remember?

You called his life without you “limited”, then in a next post you are saying you never said it: “He seems content to live his life without me limited as it is and I’m trying to tell him he doesn’t have to do that, I’m right here.” Then few minutes later: “ I never said his life was limited”

That’s why I sometimes wondered if you post about two different men or something else is going on

This quote isn’t from what HE said, it’s YOUR words. I don’t believe anyone asks you to quote him at all and no one judges you. You are suffering and everyone is trying to make you suffer less, not more. By pursuing this man, you are causing more suffering for yourself. You are asking what you should do. Then you get upset when you get advice to not pursue him. It’s unwise to beg a man come back after he ended a relationship as it clearly causes you much pain. You are free of course to continue but all it’s going to cause is more pain

leomama, aspergers is on a spectrum some individuals have a harder time than others. However, they definitely DO struggle when it comes to connecting and relationships. This is what is contributing to what you "feel" are confusing messages that you have been getting from him. You keep saying you don't want to abandon him, yet he is STILL only interacting with you on a minimal level and you end up confused and clearly emotionally confused and even on a self blaming level that's not healthy for you. Then anytime something goes wrong and he goes silent it literally sends you spiraling through a loop and self blaming. He was married and struggling and you still wanted a relationship, and is he really divorced? Well who really knows, he barely communicates with you and you ended up getting badly triggered. Then you end up "confused" and desperate. This is just not healthy for you leomama.

Why confused in quotes?

I’m the one that ended it but it wasn’t a permanent ending, it was taking space. I agree I should not pursue him. So what do I do?

What do you do? Let go and allow yourself to heal, do you see a therapist now? Understand he is not abusing you, he is wired differently and doesn't think the way you do or connect the way you do.

I am sorry this is so painful for you leomama. Seeing a therapist might help. I also find support groups very helpful, and many of them are free.

But what will help most is time. I know it doesn't help you now to know that you will feel better in the future though. It sucks to wait.

You said he broke up with you in November 2017. Supposedly two months before his divorce was final. You were upset that when he was finally free, he ended it. Now you claim that you ended it. See what I am saying. You post one thing then post something completely opposite just few posts later.

What do you mean by “what do you do?” Just live your life. Enjoy it. If you aren’t enjoying your life, seek help. But let this guy go