[NataleeRose]

I don't know where to start. My husband and I were looking for a dog together for months. One day, he suddenly decided he would go out and pick his own. She is adorable, so I was fine with it. Long story short, I am NOT permitted to touch this dog. He brought her home and tethered her to him at all times. He trained her. I was never ever allowed to do anything with her. If I DO touch this dog, he must run over immediately and steal all the attention to himself. He feeds, waters, and gives her treats. I am not allowed to do any of these things (I sneak treats). ONLY he is allowed to let her in or out and only he is allowed to have her by his side. I am never allowed to take her anywhere. If I go outside he purposely calls her in to keep her away from me. We have had HUGE blowouts over this. It is singularly the most hurtful thing I have ever gone through living with someone. We are married with no kids, so I'd love to act as a family with our fur babies. I am told I must get my own dog to have this. It comes off as so possessive, controlling and just plain mean. I know his mother, a nurse for over 40 years believes he is on the autism spectrum. I too believe he is based on his behavior. Is this an autism thing, or just a cruelty thing? Are other men this psychotically possessive of their dogs? I dream of camping as a family, going on trips, etc...but to no avail. She does not come with us when I am there. He ONLY brings her when I am not coming. I've cried over this for almost 3 years now. He has made tiny changes. He permits me to touch her nose before whisking her away, but it is still horrible to live with. I LOVE animals, so I never fathomed I would experience having one I am barely allowed near. Help. Any advice or stories similar would give me some peace of mind. When you search google for answers and come up with nothing, you know you have a rarity.

[divine1966]

How long have you been married? I honestly wouldn’t stay married. I don’t think it’s aboit a dog. The whole behavior is just cruel and appaling. Has he been always possessive or cruel or is it a new thing? Is there a chance you can start planning your exit from marriage?

WOW. I am absolutely stunned. That is just downright cruel, abusive and unbearably controlling of him. I'm very sorry to say, but your husband is severely abusive towards you. And I mean, SEVERELY.

Is he controlling in other ways or only with the dog? It doesn't even matter. I would not put up with this cruelty for one second longer. You do not deserve this, and that is no way to live through life.

PLEASE reconsider your marriage with this man. This is such severe abuse, I have tell you that no amount of couples therapy or talking to him will ever change this man. It doesn't even matter if it's autism at play. It's abuse. Please get out of this relationship, for your own well-being and sanity.

HUGS to you.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central, NataleeRose. Wow, that is downright strange. How about talking to a therapist about it? Maybe he/she can give you some insights and help you decide if you want to stay with this guy.

[Betty_Banana]

Strange,for sure.Has your husband even explained his reasoning behind this?

I guess I may think a little different from others but my first thought was how sad.There has to be a story behind why he's doing this,something more going on besides him just being cruel and not wanting to share the dog with you.Like maybe he went through something in childhood that had to do with a dog and now as an adult he's determined he will have his own dog and nobody else is allowed to touch it.Or maybe he feels he needs this dog for love and to feel he has a purpose or something.

It doesn't sound like something worth throwing away a marriage over,it sounds like maybe he needs mental help.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, NataleeRose It does sound like a very weird behavior. How is the relationship going apart from this? Do you get along well with him? I think you seriously need to discuss this with him and ask him why is he doing this, if you haven't already. Perhaps you can try couple counselling, although the only one who needs it is him, really. If if continues to be like this, I think you may want to reconsider this relationship, especially if it's hurting you so much. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

This is definitely strange. And rude. Do you want to stay with this guy?

[lizardlady]

This is incredible controlling behavior. Is he controlling in other parts of your relationship?

[NataleeRose]

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

Strange,for sure.Has your husband even explained his reasoning behind this?

I guess I may think a little different from others but my first thought was how sad.There has to be a story behind why he's doing this,something more going on besides him just being cruel and not wanting to share the dog with you.Like maybe he went through something in childhood that had to do with a dog and now as an adult he's determined he will have his own dog and nobody else is allowed to touch it.Or maybe he feels he needs this dog for love and to feel he has a purpose or something.

It doesn't sound like something worth throwing away a marriage over,it sounds like maybe he needs mental help.

He says it's "mans best friend". the dog calms him. He has issues with calming down, he is super smart and his brain runs a mile a minute. It has been exhausting. He is my best friend....and outside of those super abnormal behavior, he is not abusive towards me. We have normal couple fights. He tends to run a bit jealous over others success, etc. However, we live a good life. The only issues that is unbearable is the dog. I have begged and pleaded that this change. His answer is that I get my own dog. I think that is absurd. I don't mind that the dog prefers him. Most dogs like one person more than the other...it is the game of keep away that drives me mad

[NataleeRose]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

This is incredible controlling behavior. Is he controlling in other parts of your relationship?

in the past, but we live a quiet and remote life. I give him nothing to be jealous or controlling over.

[Open Eyes]

Is he abusive with this dog at all?

If you "are' an animal lover and he suggested you getting your own dog, then get your own dog.

I know his mother, a nurse for over 40 years believes he is on the autism spectrum. I too believe he is based on his behavior.

She is probably onto something with this suspicion and because she raised him she may have had challenges with him where if she read about children on the autism spectrum she realized he had many of the challenges described.

[Travelinglady]

I agree-get your own dog, since he insists the dog is HIS best friend. And try not to worry about this issue, if everything else is okay in your marriage.

I respectfully disagree. Her husband is exhibiting abusive traits. What he’s doing is extremely cruel to her and beyond controlling. Even if she gets her own dog, what kind of marriage is that? It’s unheard of.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I respectfully disagree. Her husband is exhibiting abusive traits. What he’s doing is extremely cruel to her and beyond controlling. Even if she gets her own dog, what kind of marriage is that? It’s unheard of.

I agree. Just getting your one dog would be ok if people were roommates. Spouses aren’t allowed to touch each other pets is really out there. I also have never heard of such a thing and I thought I heard it all!

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by NataleeRose

He says it's "mans best friend". the dog calms him. He has issues with calming down, he is super smart and his brain runs a mile a minute. It has been exhausting. He is my best friend....and outside of those super abnormal behavior, he is not abusive towards me. We have normal couple fights. He tends to run a bit jealous over others success, etc. However, we live a good life. The only issues that is unbearable is the dog. I have begged and pleaded that this change. His answer is that I get my own dog. I think that is absurd. I don't mind that the dog prefers him. Most dogs like one person more than the other...it is the game of keep away that drives me mad

So it's more of an emotional support/therapy dog for him then.If it helps calm him then that's great.Maybe that's why he's so determined he doesn't want you around it,not because he's being mean or anything but because he needs it for himself.

Is he in any kind of therapy or seeing a professional for any MH issues?If not maybe he sees this dog as self treatment or something.IDK. Maybe suggesting professional help would be a good idea?

If you have a good life other than this problem then I would say you're actually quite lucky.I don't see what he's doing as abuse,I see it as he obviously is struggling with some issues.

Perhaps I differ from others on this. But he knows how upset it makes her, she begs for change yet his answer is to get her own dog. He cannot share his comfort dog with his “best friend”, wife and life partner? He won’t let the dog near his wife or let her pet and love the dog? He is being extremely selfish, extremely controlling and control IS a form of abuse. This is also extreme cruelty.

[Betty_Banana]

He clearly has some issues going on golden_eve,especially if every other area of their life/marriage is fine.It doesn't sound to me that he is purposely being hurtful or abusive.He sounds like he needs help.

That's just my own personal opinion though.

I understand what you’re saying. I just think it’s very cruel behavior and very controlling behavior. And when someone is so controlling like that it’s abusive. Every psychologist would say the same. What’s more is she wrote that they live a quiet and isolated life. Well most abusers isolate their victim and want full control. She said he used to be controlling before she became isolated with him. Just makes me wonder.

[unaluna]

Its been 3 years. Why cant he have his own dog? If he is on the spectrum, and life otherwise is fine, then the OP should get a dog or cat if she does want her own pet. Im assuming he takes complete care of his dog?

We dont know what life is like for him or them. Maybe the dog is his version of his man-cave. Maybe she decides everything else?

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I understand what you’re saying. I just think it’s very cruel behavior and very controlling behavior. And when someone is so controlling like that it’s abusive. Every psychologist would say the same. What’s more is she wrote that they live a quiet and isolated life. Well most abusers isolate their victim and want full control. She said he used to be controlling before she became isolated with him. Just makes me wonder.

You're right,she did say that he used to be.I missed that part.

[Open Eyes]

I have met people that are very possessive and controlling with their animals especially when they want them trained for a specific purpose. My concern is if he is abusing or neglecting this dog.

I still think you might do well if you got your own dog.

[amandalouise]

mind you I havent read the whole thread but I have a thought about this...

many people who are training a special needs dog/ service animal do request that all other family members are hands off. this is so that the service animal bonds in a very special way with the person with a handicap first and foremost...

example I and my wife and children have our own service animals that we each trained. granted the children needed some help with this but the help we provided was very minimal so that the dog that our daughter picked out was hers and the dog understood that she was the dogs owner and care taker and he had a job to do with her.

service animals are trained and treated differently than a whole family pet. that service animal has a job to do and one specific owner and must mind and perform on commands from the owner not just every family member.

example what happens if my daughter is across the room and she is going into a seizure but its not notice able yet and her dog is being petted and loved on by me, my wife or the other children? the reality is that her dog would be distracted and not doing his job of notifying my daughter that she is about to enter into a seizure and my daughter would get hurt.

my point is if this guy has a mental or physical health problem and is trying to make sure this dog understands who his direct owner is and thats who he is there to be with, then others petting and loving on him is going to sabotage the training and instilling rules and boundaries with this dog...

its not abusive to expect the person that went out and bought a dog doesnt want others to be handling and playing and caring for the animal,

my suggestion is since this obviously isnt going to be a full family pet then its time to move on to getting your own dog. then you can set the rules and such for your dog just like he is setting the rules and boundaries for his dog.

there are many families that I know that have pets and service dogs and each person in the household is responsible for their own respective pets/ service animals.

bottom line this is his dog so he gets to make the rules and such about his dog, just like when you decide to get a pet or service animal you get to decide whats what with it.

[divine1966]

There is more to this than him and her having separate dogs that other person isn’t allowed to even touch (his dog isn’t a service dog by the way so no excuse for not allowing his your own wife to touch him).

Concern is that a man “used to” be controlling but now “he isn’t” because they live such isolated life that OP gives him nothing to “control” her about. Well first of all it’s typical sign of abusive marriage. Second of all even though they are so remote and isolated, he still found something to control her about: this time it’s a dog.

Nothing in this thread indicates that dog is abused (not saying it’s not but OP didn’t mention it). But many things in this post indicates that OP is being abused (not saying physically). Why her being mistreated isn’t a concern? Getting her own dog isn’t going to make her hurt less over her husband’s controlling ways. It’s not going to fix marital issue.

This isn’t about dogs.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Its been 3 years. Why cant he have his own dog? If he is on the spectrum, and life otherwise is fine, then the OP should get a dog or cat if she does want her own pet. Im assuming he takes complete care of his dog?

We dont know what life is like for him or them. Maybe the dog is his version of his man-cave. Maybe she decides everything else?

Going by what she posted she does not decide everything else. He was controlling and jealous and now they live such isolated life that she gives him nothing to be controlling about (except he does and this time it’s a dog). That doesn’t sound like she runs the show here.

[sarahsweets]

Holy hell...