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  #1  
Old Jan 13, 2019, 12:28 PM
alokn alokn is offline
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Where could I start.. My husband started to work from home like a year ago, it was just a part-time job and not very consistent. It worked pretty well at the beginning but slowly started to be an issue in our relationship. I work full-time and I guess I started to be jealous of his schedule, being able to be home etc. Since he had so much time on his hands, he started to play computer games again (used to play them 24/7 as a teenager) which also included joining some online forums. In July I discovered that he was talking to multiple girls online (sexually and romantically) and that he joined forums such as "looking for monogamous relationship" etc. He told me he had only talked to one girl (but I saw multiple conversations with multiple women) and only because she had mental issues. After that, he stopped talking to them online, yet still kept playing video games. He was supposed to find a new job since his PT job slowly stopped making him any money, yet he wasn't able to (or didn't even try?) find one within the past 6-7months. He plays his computer games around 10 hours a day, goes to bed at 3-5am pretty much every day, spends money (that I'm trying to save) on his games and ignores everything around the house. Whenever I try to confront him about something he gets very upset, calls me names like "******", "idiot" etc and just yells at me. Whenever I find out he lied to me about something it's the same - starts to yell at me, starts to throw things, hit himself, calls me names and sometimes blames it on me. Then he always apologizes and tells me how much he loves me and that I'm his everything. Now he is supposed to go back to school starting in two weeks, but every time I asked him to show me his log in, schedule or just something, he gets upset and his log in magically doesn't work and I become an "idiot" again because I don't understand how his school works. I looked at his school email and saw many emails from his school counselors telling him that he was late to sign up and can only sign up for summer semester at this point. He also lied to them why he dropped out of school a year ago and said it was because of his dad's illness (even though his dad is perfectly fine).
I guess I'm just looking for some help in this forum, maybe someone here has experienced something similar? I don't really have anyone to talk to since I've moved from a different country to be with him so outside of work I have nobody but him and his family here.
Thanks for reading through this and for a potential help!
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  #2  
Old Jan 13, 2019, 11:03 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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He is verbally abusive to you and it sounds like he is not carrying his weight in the relationship.

How long have you been married to him? Do you have any children with him?
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  #3  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 03:34 AM
Iloivar Iloivar is offline
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Have you talked to his family about this?

Of course, im merely asking and perhaps it's not a wise suggestion as his family is more likely to side with him if they're unaware of his behaviour. But if they are, maybe it would be in your interest to do so? At least you'd have a real life support system. Of course, only you know whether this would be a smart decision since you're more familiar with their personalities and such.

Furthermore, have you two actually comprehensively discussed his behavior beyond just an apology?

Do you intend to divorce? Barring any further context, that is probably the best decision whether you think he can change or not.
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  #4  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 05:36 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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We teach people how to treat us. If we tolerate behavior that hurts us without addressing it then we are complicit. If we do address the behavior and set boundaries it is our job to stick with those boundaries. If someone crosses them and we tolerate then we are teaching that person that our boundaries dont matter. When you confront him about things do you tell him what it is that you really need? I mean aside from the obvious-to not have him involved with other women- but to you explain what you need? If you confront him but do not share your expectations then he will keep pushing the boundaries. If you do share your expectations with him and he still crosses those boundaries it is up to you to explain why that isnt acceptable and then set a consequence( I do not mean punishment like he is a child, I mean consequence as in what he will lose with you by his behavior). He needs to realize that you mean what you say. He needs to know that he is damaging his relationship and he needs to show that he cares about it enough to stop. If he doesnt and you keep tolerating it he has no motivation to stop. Why stop if he can have online relationships and still have his real life wife/girlfriend? He has the best of both worlds that way. You have to make it uncomfortable for him so he will stop. Personally I do not give many chances when it comes to situations like these. I view it exactly as if its infidelity. If he does not stop then its almost proof that he doesnt love you enough or take you serious enough to change his behavior. I am not saying this is easy but it is true. We are responsible for ourselves and how long we will tolerate discomfort in being treated a certain way.
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  #5  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 06:28 AM
Anonymous40643
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I agree with Bill. His attacks on you and calling you names is abuse. Plus he was caught cheating (he was cheating), he lies and he's totally irresponsible. Do you want to stay with this man? Do you have family in your country who can help you? My suggestion would be to leave him and find a way to leave him.
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  #6  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 11:00 AM
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WishfulThinker66 WishfulThinker66 is offline
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This is absolutely NOT what I would call a loving husband.
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  #7  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 01:02 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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He sounds like a nightmare. Your goal should be to escape this nonsense as soon as possible. Longer you are staying worse it’s going to get. Plus since you work and he pretty much does not, he likely plans on taking financial advantage of you. Run. And run fast. Regardless
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  #8  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 01:22 PM
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MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is offline
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I'm so sorry you're struggling, alokn He doesn't sound like a good husband at all. I'd suggest to dump him as soon as you can. Do you have any children? Either way, I think you should leave. It doesn't seem like he cares about this relationship and he doesn't even want to talk about it. And I feel like it's trying to manipulate you into staying. I'd suggest couple counselling, but really, he's the one that has to change. So it's either that, or you leaving him. I don't see many other solutions. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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  #9  
Old Jan 14, 2019, 07:03 PM
alokn alokn is offline
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Thanks for all your replies! We've been married roughly for two years, the first year was awesome (he had a job and was really responsible and never called me names or anything) but everything started when he started to work from home which is about a year ago now. We don't have any kids at this point.
Every time we have an argument that escalates into name calling etc, we talk about it after. I tell him that it's unacceptable to act like this and we talk about things we/he should do to make the marriage work. And he usually really tries for a couple days but then it goes back to usual and this has been repeating at least every other week. I get set off pretty easily though, when I had a frustrating day at work or something and I come home and find out he hasn't done anything.
We don't fight like this all the time so that's why I don't want to give up on the relationship. He can be very loving and really show me how much he loves me etc. It feels like he gets into this rage of madness only when I catch him doing something and he can't talk his way out of it. Then the name calling starts. And he even told me he does it because he's mad and doesn't know what to say. We talked about it a lot yesterday and he seemed to understand all the issues we have and he seemed to want to work on it.
His family thinks he should start working or finish his degree like it was planned when we got married but he gets upset every time somebody tries to tell him about it.
  #10  
Old Jan 15, 2019, 04:32 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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So are the times he shows you love worth the rest of the time where you feel angry and hurt?
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  #11  
Old Jan 15, 2019, 06:11 AM
Anonymous40643
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The problem is he is not changing the behavior even though you have told him it is unacceptable, which says that he cannot help himself. He has a serious problem. He cannot help himself from calling you names? There must have been hints of this before he worked from home, somehow? However, that's not the point. You're not only dealing with verbal abuse, but with someone who lies and who is unfaithful. Why would you want to stay with such a man? Because he is sometimes loving towards you? I say this with the greatest compassion, but do you hear what you're telling yourself?

Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jan 15, 2019 at 06:49 AM.
  #12  
Old Jan 15, 2019, 03:54 PM
alokn alokn is offline
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He's never been like this before. He was always very supportive and always did everything for me. I have no idea how/why it got to this point. And of course that I hear myself. I've always said that if I found myself in a toxic relationship that I wouldn't stay in it, I would just leave. Now I feel like it's too difficult because I know that he used to be amazing and I guess I'm still hoping it'll be like that again? I don't know. Either way, if it really keeps going like this and nothing changes, then I won't have a different choice and I'll just leave him.
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  #13  
Old Jan 16, 2019, 06:30 AM
Anonymous40643
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I'm afraid that once true colors are shown, people don't change back into who they were before. You are seeing his true colors now. He lies, he calls you names, and he has cheated (what I would call cheating). I am very sorry you are in this situation. I wouldn't hold onto the hope that he will suddenly gain an epiphany and be a different person. This is who he truly is. Perhaps he didn't show this to you before. ((((hugs))))))
  #14  
Old Jan 16, 2019, 07:06 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Just remember that lack of consequences for him (you leaving) means he will never be motivated to stop or change,
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  #15  
Old Jan 17, 2019, 04:05 PM
alokn alokn is offline
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UPDATE: Everything seems to be getting better again. We had a really long and serious talk on Sunday/Monday. He agreed to see a therapist to try to work on his anger issues etc. He is helping me with everything at home, we take a daily walk with our dog, communicate a lot better again and he is supposed to go back to school next week. His dad also stopped by today and talked to him about his options when it comes to school/job etc. Obviously I'm not completely over everything that has happened but I feel like he is finally putting everything in normal like it was before all the fighting. I told him this is his final chance and if he screws up again - I'm leaving for good and I'm getting a divorce.
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