Is Love Real?

Is love real? It's a strange question because I'm sure almost everyone has a similar automatic reaction, of course love is real. But as I sit here in the cased in quiet of a snowy night with a cup of lemon tea and a wandering mind, I'm left wondering: do I really believe in romantic love?

In the course of a romantic relationship there's all of those familiar stages. Attraction, courtship, passion, consumation, bonding, commitment, family, routine, seven year itch, lifelong partnership, and so on. And with each stage there is a set of emotions that define it. Consider attraction. You feel excited, anxious, nervous, giddy. Passion you might describe with words like lust, release, exhileration. And even commitment would use words like comfort, security, trust, affection.

So what is romantic love? Is it a combination of these emotional states taken simultaneously or in succession? Is it needing somebody to feel whole? And if so, isn't that just a complicated arrangement of codependence?

Could it be that the missing piece here is selflessness? That, "I would die for this person" feeling? And if that's the case, what differentiates it from say the love we feel for our children? And why can romantic love go away while the love we have for say, a child, is permanent?

The other wonder about romantic love is that it's not the same thing from beginning to end. Two young lovers kissing on a pier is very different from the old couple sitting quietly together watching that same ocean.

So what is it? Is it anything? Is it like a puzzle where you can't see the whole picture if you're looking at the pieces?

Maybe I don't know because I've never been in love? I mean, I think I love my wife but not being sure what that means, how can I know? Maybe over the last twelve years I've just gotten very used to her. And if that's all love is, then I could easily learn to love any long term room mate, right?

So feel free to weigh in. What is it, is it real, do you know if you're in it, can you choose it?

I look forward to your thoughts.

Cyran0

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Cyran0 said:
do I really believe in romantic love?

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I personally believe Romantic LoVe is REAL...... yet rather hard to sustain, being more or less used by that of young LoVe and lost to those that become comfortable with in their LoVe.

I think love is like the people who inhabit it and it changes and grows over time? That's why the young lovers kissing aren't like the old guys holding hands looking at the ocean.

We're the same people we were when we were five or twenty but we have more expreience, have lived more days. That's the major reasons that parents are in charge of children, it's not that they're "better" or stronger, etc. but because they've lived that many more days and seen and experienced that many more things.

An 11 year old friend of mine was commenting on what kind of car she was going to get when she was grown, what kind of clothes, boys, what she wanted for Christmas, etc. and I tried to explain to her that what she likes now won't necessarily be what she likes then, anymore than what she liked at 5 was what she wants now. . .

Very deep. I too have pondered the subject of love. Unfortuately all I come up with are more questions.

Linda

I know the love I have for my children is the most real, and true, love I've ever felt. As for romantic love, I have always believe it consists of four things; respect, acceptance, understanding and trust. Even in my marriage, I have yet to feel I have received all four of these things from another person, but know I have given it more than once.
Respect means valueing the other as an individual, respecting their needs and wants. Acceptance is knowing who they are, and loving them in spite of their faults. Understanding is looking at where they came from, who they are, and who they want to be - from their viewpoint. Trust is believing 100% that the other person will never hurt you, and will have your best interests at heart. Do I beleive this is mutually possible, that two people can give these things to each other completely? Yes, I do. But not without work FROM BOTH PEOPLE. True romantic love is the hardest thing two people can create and sustain. But I know there are couples out there who have done it. And it's what I want, and have always wanted. I just hope my husband can get to the same place before it's too late.

i actually just read an article in my womens studies book about this same subject. it said that too often people like they should fall in love. and then when that lust goes away they feel that the love has gone too. rather we should choose who we love. rather than saying how amazingly in love with someone you feel, it should be more like: this person treats me with respect and loves me back, so i choose to love them. reading that has made it a lot easier to deal with those "valleys" that we all come into contact with throughout relationships. because now if i feel like the love is gone i just think to myself how wonderful of a man my boyfriend is and that i choose to love him.

While you're in a pondering mood, I wonder if we have chemical imbalances that can make us lose touch with reality, can we be said to have free will?

Cyrano, love is real. How do I know? Because I feel it in so many ways and for so many different kinds of people. The fact that it's not always returned doesn't make me doubt it's existance.

Love isn't always just a feeling. It's many more things than that, particularly Committment. Adding to what Saluki said, it's a choice, it's an acceptance and it's work... constant work. It's like a plant that needs constant attention, feeding and watering, pruning the sick or dead parts. I feel as though not too many people know this and it saddens me. So many people seem to think that love is a passing thing... as long as the feeling lasts then you love someone, as long as the lust lasts, then you're "in love." No... it takes a choice, commitment, attention and nurturing.

I believe two people can expereince real & true love
it should be comforting and enriching
starting with a foundation of a mature relationship
two people need to have stability - mind and spirit
Inner strenght
Handle responsilbilites, not withdrawing from one another during difficult times
real love requires honesty & respect
realistic expectations
A balance of dependance and independance
Able to rely on comfort and support.
I'm sure there is alot more that can be added I just haven't
got there yet.. this is all I can offer in opinion

It is real Cyran0! Why else would you put up with another human being 24/7? Love does change form and shape. Sometimes I'm more in love with him, sometimes he's more in love with me. When we're both on the same page, our kids are VERY embarassed, cause we're "old".

My husband and have have gone through some really amazing things, we have four children, and we've gone through some really horrible things, but we've managed to come out the other side.

We've been together a long time, we can communicate without speaking and read each others moods. I would not feel complete without him, and I don't think he'd be complete without me. I also do not think there is another person on the planet that would have put up with me all of these years and vice versa.

Some days I love him so much I can't breathe, and others I would like to strangle him, but I always love him. And luckily the strangling days are few and far between.

In this department I had very good teachers. My parents had many problems, but the one constant thing in their life was their love for each other. And they were like frikkin teenagers literally until the day my father died. On their headstone is a love poem my father found and had made into a plaque for my mother years ago.

So again, I have to say yes it is real, and when you find it you have to protect and nourish it every day.

thats probably what makes the difference. people who never see how a working relationship is dont know how to be in one. i sabotage my relationships constantly because my mom and dad got divorced when i was 7 and then my dad got divorced from his second wife that he was cheating on when i was 17. so thats the image of relationships that i have. my brother and sister arent any better. im so lucky that my boyfriend puts up with me. thats how i know its love. my ex boyfriends would get so angry with me when i would do stupid things or be in a bad mood for no reason. but jason just sits and waits for me to calm down. and if i dont then he doesnt leave me alone until i talk and then when i do i always feel better.

i think its just harder to believe in it for some people. you got very lucky to have parents who honestly cared about each other. i think i might know 3 people whos parents are still together. and those parents arent genuinely happy. so to me love looks like something you put up with, not something you like to have.

im not sure if im speaking for cyran0 but i definately understand how some people can question it. cause i definately have before and probably will continue to.

Cyran0, I just reread your post. Maybe, just maybe I've come to a conclusion. Love is universal but romantic love has an added component; lust.

For at least seven years I tried to get DH out of my heart and life. There were times I felt I hated him and wondered what the heck I even saw in him... save one thing.

We got back together five years ago and in the beginning it was touch and go. But through all the hell I've been through with him, there's no way I can get that man out of my heart... or my mind. There's still a little thrill that goes through me when he's working out in the yard without a shirt on. That same thrill is there when he comes out of the shower still wet.

When I think of my kids or grandkids, there is the same passion, NOT to be mistaken with lust mind you... but yes, I would die for any of them.

My mother's words come back to from the past. When she tried to describe her love for me, she'd say "I would throw myself in front of a raging lion before I'd allow him to touch you." The intensity, the passion and the commitment behind those words is reverberating in me right now like it has never done before.

Thank you for posing this question!

thats cool Tomi... i can imagine her... stronger than the lion ... its a great image... Thank you very much...

Thank you all for your heart felt answers. I intentionally wasn't posting because I wanted to hear what people had to say. Besides, my original post does a pretty good job of summing up my own musings.

Thanks again to all who contributed. It gives me a lot to think about.

Cyran0

I believe the purest form of love is between mother and child. I also believe that the type of love women and men have toward one another is real, but for necessity, for reproductive purposes. I believe the only reason men and women will love one another is because in the very beginning they had lustful attraction...pheromones and all that stuff. I've never loved another person the way I loved my mother then the way I loved my children...it is natures purest form of love. We here of mothers sacrificing themselves for their children all the time. Even animals in the wild will resort to their own death for their offspring. We hear of one fatal conclusion of love in a Shakespeare play, but is it realistic? I don't think so....if so it's obviously very rare.

When I think of love I compare it with outside sources like nature and history. In nature it's for reproduction and in history it was for survival. With today's convenience we attempt to mold the meaning of love and understand it, but ultimately it's the same meaning but much easier to get and even easier to lose.

I hope this all makes sense.

if were taking a biological standpoint then no its not. nature has set things up to make us feel that initial lust for people and thats what most associate with love is the passion. they feel that once the passion is gone, the love is gone too. primates are no different than any other animal. we want a person for a few years then after about 3 years our bodies are ready to have another baby again. (or the first one). then we start to reexamine our partners and usually pick out flaws so that we can find a better, more fit, mate. (fit not necessarily meaning buff). its just evolution. thats how we work. very rarely are animals in the wild purely monogomous. and if they are its usually social monogomy like in birds. they might have one mate, but they might fly around and if they find a better one, mate with them once during the season. and their ideas of monogomy are different. monogamy is usually just for that season. religion is usually what plays the biggest part in determining that for people and other animals dont have religions or rational thinking. thats why we torture ourselves like this.

humans greatest achievement is also the biggest downfall. intillect is what has kept us alive for 120,000 years but in the end its what is killing us.

good postings all.....

i dont 100% know what i beileve..but i think it's real <3

I think love is a personal thing. I don't think any one person can claim whether or not love exists for everyone. But if it exists for you, then that's wonderful.

Love is hard for me. I don't feel much love at all. I don't have any feelings of love for my parents or my sister. They support me, they care for me, they love me, and for that I am grateful. As a person, I like my dad the best. But I can't say I feel anything overwhelming for any of them.

And it's not a bad thing. I feel like a social failure sometimes, but it's not a bad thing! I don't feel like I'm missing out. Love just doesn't seem to exist for me. And I'm okay with it.

Does that make any sense?

cyran0

I'd say you asked yourself the most important question as a man,"would I die for this person".

As a man I say you have to say yes to this..in order to be in love with the women you marry...I'd not want the women to feel this obligation though..since that is our role

Septembermom..I agree that you also need lust...I met my wife at about age 17 and I was also this age, we are now in our 30's....all I can say is she drove me crazy with lust I could not get her off my mind,and she wanted to play hard to get while constantly flirting kissing etcetc..she would even bring me dinner every night and sleep over in the same bed,but would put the brakes on when I tried to go to far,and this was ALLOT for over a month...she was and still is soooo hot...if it had not been for this I probably never would have hung in there so long....just kidding,I know this sounds shallow...

anyway I think the romance is for the movies...though is important to include to break up the regimen once in a while,women like to be suprised..and the fact that I did and still do lust for her is no suprise anymore LOL

though I'm sure I have not been or never will be, the perfect husband..I wish I could..thats not to say she has been the perfect wife either..we are actually opposites..but have been together every day since we met..very very hard to do

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Cyran0 said:
Is love real? It's a strange question because I'm sure almost everyone has a similar automatic reaction, of course love is real. But as I sit here in the cased in quiet of a snowy night with a cup of lemon tea and a wandering mind, I'm left wondering: do I really believe in romantic love?

In the course of a romantic relationship there's all of those familiar stages. Attraction, courtship, passion, consumation, bonding, commitment, family, routine, seven year itch, lifelong partnership, and so on. And with each stage there is a set of emotions that define it. Consider attraction. You feel excited, anxious, nervous, giddy. Passion you might describe with words like lust, release, exhileration. And even commitment would use words like comfort, security, trust, affection.

So what is romantic love? Is it a combination of these emotional states taken simultaneously or in succession? Is it needing somebody to feel whole? And if so, isn't that just a complicated arrangement of codependence?

Could it be that the missing piece here is selflessness? That, "I would die for this person" feeling? And if that's the case, what differentiates it from say the love we feel for our children? And why can romantic love go away while the love we have for say, a child, is permanent?

The other wonder about romantic love is that it's not the same thing from beginning to end. Two young lovers kissing on a pier is very different from the old couple sitting quietly together watching that same ocean.

So what is it? Is it anything? Is it like a puzzle where you can't see the whole picture if you're looking at the pieces?

Maybe I don't know because I've never been in love? I mean, I think I love my wife but not being sure what that means, how can I know? Maybe over the last twelve years I've just gotten very used to her. And if that's all love is, then I could easily learn to love any long term room mate, right?

So feel free to weigh in. What is it, is it real, do you know if you're in it, can you choose it?

I look forward to your thoughts.

Cyran0

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YES YES YES Romantic Love is Real!

But you don't just get it handed to you on a silver platter. You must work for it. You must make it happen. God gave you the "FREE WILL" to make it all happen.

Is it easy? NEVER. If love were easy we wouldn't have divorces, etc. Love is never easy. It takes a lot of work.

Can it be done? Absolutely. It's a roller-coaster ride but it can be done.

Ocean13*

I think love is real. I think we are all instinctually wired to love and protect our children and to connect with our spouses to ensure survival of the species. I think, at least at this point in my life, that some people have the capacity to take this instinctual love to a higher deeper level. I think this higher level love exists for many people, unfortunately for me I've never experienced it. But I do believe it is real.

In my life I always seem to fall short of what others want or expect from me in regard to this deeper love. Although I want to experience it and feel it towards others, it just seems to be beyond my capacity. Maybe its an area in of my cerebral cortex that never developed properly. Since I've tried to experience it, I'm starting to believe that it may be like language development. You only have a window of developmental opportunity to gain this ability. If you miss it the skill or capacity to acquire it is lost for ever.