[TishaBuv]

I am devastated that my sister S would not help me to make peace in a major family fallout. She was callous when I certainly felt any person in the world would have been sympathetic at least.

This led to a text where I poured my heart out for help and she rudely blew me off, dismissively. Then silence. Forever. She never called me again. She used to call me every day and we had a very good relationship.

This happened months ago.

A few weeks ago, I called her together with my husband. He spoke to her to say how hurt and devastated I was from this fallout with her and how much we have been suffering. (No exaggeration). She was hostile and said that I ‘did not deserve any empathy or compassion because I contrived the whole thing with the family’. It turned into shouting and me calling her a F’n B.

I did not contrive the family fight at all.

She never called again after that, nor I, and I made it clear to her that I am so devastated from her treatment of me that I will only be in her presence again if I have to.

I loved my sister.

Beyond eating some shyt sandwich myself by just ‘letting this go and acting as though nothing happened’, I don’t think there is anything more I can do here.

I suppose I just can’t accept that kind of treatment from someone who claims to have loved me and acts like this.

The ‘should I bother?’ Title of this thread is because I am considering what to do to try to repair the relationship, as I wish I could and feel horrible about never speaking again to my sister. But she obviously isn’t reaching out to me, doesn’t have these same feelings about me.

Any helpful thoughts? Please be gentle. I’m coming out of a major depressive episode from this incident.

[divine1966]

Boy it’s tough. Sorry you are having these issues with your sister. Does she live far? If not maybe ask to meet face to face? Write a letter? Or perhaps just let it be, which must’ve painful, but maybe time will heal? Maybe it’s too fresh? I’d not involve spouses though. If I had a fall out with my brother, I’d be taken aback if my sister in law was the one trying to talk to me about making up and telling me how he is suffering.

I’d try to make it one in one with her, no other family meddling. But maybe wait a bit longer. Do you think it’s entirely her fault or both? If both, does apologizing help? You said she doesn’t call you, do you try to call?

[TishaBuv]

I suppose this is her nature and I should have known better than to seek blood from a stone in the first place.

I tried to get her to help me, which was involving family as well. See, there is this CONTROL dynamic in my family and toxic pride, I suppose.

Originally I had a spat with K.
I called Mom, who was witness to it, and merely said how angry I was. This one-minute phone call ended in silent treatment from Mom.
Meanwhile, K calls my other sister, her mom, who turns into mama bear against me...
I could go on in a flow chart of destruction involving the whole family.

Yep, this was all more of the phone game family dynamic that was toxic here anyway and has no stopped because I don’t call any of them anymore nor them me. Stopping that was for the best for sure!

[TishaBuv]

Except all I wanted to do was make peace!

[TishaBuv]

Instead of calling my mother again as well, I cried over it waiting to see if she’d ever call me again, which she DID NOT.

[TishaBuv]

At least I’ve had clarification and resolution with the rest of them. It didn’t end well, but at least it ended.

The only reason for this I can explain is that these people chose to look upon me unfavorably. They wanted to vilify me? It seems unfathomable.

I don’t want to rehash the details. Honestly, there was no basis for their opinions and attitudes in this.

Obviously, a lot of smack was spoken about me behind my back. All the negativity was unwarranted.

Yes, I made ONE faux pas which I immediately undid and apologized.

My sister E, the mama bear, just a few days ago said that I ‘had never apologized and that is why she is very angry at ME, as this thing was all my fault.’ All these months later, I had to yet again defend myself and eventually spell out for her in an email to ‘please state specifically what you think I owe further apology for’ to which she replied that she apologizes and I do not owe further apology. Unbelievable! WTF??? But at least that’s behinnd me.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, TishaBuy A relationship needs two people to make it work out. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're trying all you can to make things better, but she refuses to listen. My advice would be to stop trying for a bit. It's clear she's not interested at the moment, so any further attempts will probably be useless. Try to wait a bit more time before calling her again. And of course, keep the door open if she's the one calling you back. Please don't feel guilty, it's not your fault this is happening. It's clear that you're trying your best to repair things with her. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I hope your husband is being supportive to you. Stay strong. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Keep writing here if it helps. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[TishaBuv]

Divine- She lives driving distance away. We never had a disagreement or fight before in our lives. I see that’s because I never had any issue with her before.

The simple truth is Mom started the silent treatment thing. She will never give in. She means it. Disowned over anything she does not like! We all learned it from her and it needs to stop. It destroyed our family.

[TishaBuv]

An interesting part is they all knew how debilitatingly emotionally upset I have been over this whole thing. I thought they would at least feel compassion for me over that. Could they be so cold to that knowledge?

Even if I were the villain they made me out to be, wouldn’t my loved ones have some compassion for my suffering?

Meh, I’m just metaphorically feeling for that missing limb again, trying to make sense of this.

It was narcissistic abuse.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

This led to a text where I poured my heart out for help and she rudely blew me off, dismissively. Then silence. Forever. She never called me again. She used to call me every day and we had a very good relationship.

I wonder if you are just more emotional about your family than this sister is? Perhaps she got the impression that you didn't want to talk anymore or that talking right now just isn't working? You once said that one of your sister's mostly cut emotional ties with the family. I did that when I was younger because the relationship with my mom was more painful than happy. My mom was so much a part of my brother and sister's lives that it felt easy to move far away. Were your daily phone calls truly intimate? Or was she a bit detached all along? Does she really know that you want a relationship again? If she knows--I wouldn't bother until a lot more time has passed.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yep, this was all more of the phone game family dynamic that was toxic here anyway and has no stopped because I don’t call any of them anymore nor them me. Stopping that was for the best for sure!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Instead of calling my mother again as well, I cried over it waiting to see if she’d ever call me again, which she DID NOT.

You are saying opposite things here.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I am devastated that my sister S would not help me to make peace in a major family fallout. She was callous when I certainly felt any person in the world would have been sympathetic at least.

This led to a text where I poured my heart out for help and she rudely blew me off, dismissively. Then silence. Forever. She never called me again. She used to call me every day and we had a very good relationship.

This happened months ago.

A few weeks ago, I called her together with my husband. He spoke to her to say how hurt and devastated I was from this fallout with her and how much we have been suffering. (No exaggeration). She was hostile and said that I ‘did not deserve any empathy or compassion because I contrived the whole thing with the family’. It turned into shouting and me calling her a F’n B.

I did not contrive the family fight at all.

She never called again after that, nor I, and I made it clear to her that I am so devastated from her treatment of me that I will only be in her presence again if I have to.

I loved my sister.

Beyond eating some shyt sandwich myself by just ‘letting this go and acting as though nothing happened’, I don’t think there is anything more I can do here.

I suppose I just can’t accept that kind of treatment from someone who claims to have loved me and acts like this.

The ‘should I bother?’ Title of this thread is because I am considering what to do to try to repair the relationship, as I wish I could and feel horrible about never speaking again to my sister. But she obviously isn’t reaching out to me, doesn’t have these same feelings about me.

Any helpful thoughts? Please be gentle. I’m coming out of a major depressive episode from this incident.

I completely understand how you feel! I am going through the same thing with my sister because of her controlling toxic friend who is obessed with my sister. We still don't talk.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

I wonder if you are just more emotional about your family than this sister is? Perhaps she got the impression that you didn't want to talk anymore or that talking right now just isn't working? You once said that one of your sister's mostly cut emotional ties with the family. I did that when I was younger because the relationship with my mom was more painful than happy. My mom was so much a part of my brother and sister's lives that it felt easy to move far away. Were your daily phone calls truly intimate? Or was she a bit detached all along? Does she really know that you want a relationship again? If she knows--I wouldn't bother until a lot more time has passed.



You are saying opposite things here.

If I called and acted like nothing ever happened, this sister would most likely also act like nothing ever happened. I’m not going to do that.

I came on here years ago, struggling with my husband and mother. Also, I had a toxic friend, who has since eliminated herself this year. She flamed out over nothing and never called me again, too, nor I her.

I’d say how I have a good relationship with my two sisters. Ironically, now I am still with my husband and we are improving because my husband is finally communicating and making effort with me. My mother is being kept at a very delicate balance of me calling her every few days to see how she is, because that is really ALL she wants and I want to maintain minimal contact and not be estranged.

My sisters spat some mean things at me during this fallout. One thing was this sister S said, “We sure aren’t ever going to listen to anything anymore about your marriage!” Anything they had against me, they threw in my face. Is that love? I did not do anything like that to them.

What a tragic snowball! I was hysterical and depressed over the dysfunctional marriage. I had a close relationship speaking to my mom and sisters often. I am so sorry I ever confided in them. I am so sorry I ever picked up the phone and let them into my life while I was experiencing (and still am) a dysfunctional relationship that caused me the depression it did/does. They threw in my face my stuff they ‘had on me’ just to hurt me. People do this intentionally to hurt you when they are angry at you over whatever, they use your faults against you, even vilify you.

[TishaBuv]

These people will say they love me but they act so unlovingly. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together.

And my husband’s take on all this is that my family is jealous of us and all this anger and hatred from them truly is over politics and money!

[TishaBuv]

Here’s my take on it. If I can humble myself to swallow her ‘tough love’, I’ll consider it.

Me: I’m so upset over the facebook post with K.
S: That’s just K being K.

Me: Now Mom was snippy and we hung up over this. I’m so hurt!
S: That’s just Mom being Mom.

Me: Sister E just called and she says this whole thing is all my fault. The call ended really badly. I’m so upset!

She hears me crying. She knows my history of how upset this translates to....doesn’t she??? Zero support from her though in any way. Not even an “I’m sorry to hear all this.”

[TishaBuv]

Me seeking her support ended in a text summarizing the situation and the depth of my pain over it. She responded she was going to get her oil changed. Then silence. Forever. Same game as Mom plays or she really just doesn’t care about reaching out to me.

Months pass, no interaction with her at all. Except a text on my birthday, “happy birthday” and a text when I SENT THEM COOKIES FOR CHRISTMAS to thank me and say they were delicious, to which no further conversation happened other than me responding “Thank you”. Then I called her, so hysterical my husband HAS to get involved now, so he is speaking for me to tell her how upset and devastated I am over this with her.

She instantly deflected by going into how happy she was we were back together. Sincere? I’m sure. But it was done as a jab in this case to take the focus away from her.

I can’t remember much of this conversation as I think I dissociated TBH, but I know she went double down on her nasty attitude and POV. She said that I “did not deserve any empathy or compassion because I had contrived the whole thing,” and “this is how she handles her daughter, (who was diagnosed BPD)” Incidentally, I never had one bad moment with her daughter. She’s a sweetheart who has so much anger...hmmmmm....wonder why.......

It is hard to convey everything here about our loved ones properly in a few words but though I may be wrong about this because I may just be projecting, my take is:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Me: I’m so upset over the facebook post with K.
S: That’s just K being K.

I am sorry she was so insensitive to your feelings--she should have acknowledged your hurt feelings but also--isn't K her daughter? Sometimes people get really defensive about their children for complex reasons (I know I do) and it is true that neither she nor you are likely to change K's behavior. I am sorry she was so badly behaved toward you. I am sorry your sister got so angry at you for her daughter's bad behavior. I have done this to my husband; in the sense that I have blamed him too much for my son's bad behavior, not wanting to see his behavior for what it is.
Your sister may not be her daughter's issues objectively. This will not change over night. Until she sees it for herself (you can't make her because of all the emotions going on between the two of you right now), perhaps you two just need some space for a while. It might be good for both of you. I bet your relationship will turn around some day. You may both have some emotional issues.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Me: Now Mom was snippy and we hung up over this. I’m so hurt!
S: That’s just Mom being Mom.

You have said many times that your mom will never change also. I am sorry your sister's got so mad at you when you just needed to vent and get some compassion about how she treats you.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Me: Sister E just called and she says this whole thing is all my fault. The call ended really badly. I’m so upset!

She hears me crying. She knows my history of how upset this translates to....doesn’t she??? Zero support from her though in any way. Not even an “I’m sorry to hear all this.”

I am sorry she has been so cold about it. Is she always? Do you think that they are just tired of you ruminating about it over and over or do they never take your side? Sorry if I am not being that careful about your feelings. You have said you are still hurting over this.

[TishaBuv]

Sister E is momma bear to K. Sister S has the daughter diagnosed BPD. Sorry for the confusion.

Yes, sister E defended baby cub and has some twisted view about it and I’m not sure why, but at least we settled that dispute and sadly ended a whole family relationship over her treatment of me. I suppose she’d talk to me and act like we moved on from this, but I won’t. It hurt too much. Her negativity toward me just hurts too deep. What did she think of me to have vilified me mercilessly until I demanded she put into words exactly what she thought I did, which she did not, and that ended this matter?

Sister S is a quirky one. I knew she was a prickly pear. I guess I just never saw that until I experienced it first hand.

I never saw her act so dismissively to her daughter (who is 30). Come to think of it, I never saw any interaction between the two of them of any depth verbally.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

It is hard to convey everything here about our loved ones properly in a few words but though I may be wrong about this because I may just be projecting, my take is:
I am sorry she was so insensitive to your feelings--she should have acknowledged your hurt feelings but also--isn't K her daughter? Sometimes people get really defensive about their children for complex reasons (I know I do) and it is true that neither she nor you are likely to change K's behavior. I am sorry she was so badly behaved toward you. I am sorry your sister got so angry at you for her daughter's bad behavior. I have done this to my husband; in the sense that I have blamed him too much for my son's bad behavior, not wanting to see his behavior for what it is.
Your sister may not be her daughter's issues objectively. This will not change over night. Until she sees it for herself (you can't make her because of all the emotions going on between the two of you right now), perhaps you two just need some space for a while. It might be good for both of you. I bet your relationship will turn around some day. You may both have some emotional issues.

You have said many times that your mom will never change also. I am sorry your sister's got so mad at you when you just needed to vent and get some compassion about how she treats you.

I am sorry she has been so cold about it. Is she always? Do you think that they are just tired of you ruminating about it over and over or do they never take your side? Sorry if I am not being that careful about your feelings. You have said you are still hurting over this.

You are so right. They got frustrated with me because I was chronically depressed and hysterical.

Moving forward wearing muzzle.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You are so right. They got frustrated with me because I was chronically depressed and hysterical.

Moving forward wearing muzzle.

As someone who is also chronically depressed and have days where I rant about the same old things that are in the past that I need to stop revisiting in my mind and just let them go--rant to me anytime. I understand.

[s4ndm4n2006]

first I want to say I feel for you, and my heart goes out to you. I know this is tough and no words can make that better for you

I will say that you've done more than your share with trying to reconcile with the people in question, and unfortunately the ball remains in their court. Should you give up? I can't say for sure, but I can say that for the moment letting it be is the best course of action. Does that mean that you just walk away forever? no. nothing is forever and things can and probably will change in the long run, for better or worse.

Thing is continuing to try to reconcile with the unwilling only will serve to make them have more assumed power over you, giving them more confidence to continue to berate you and make you feel small and wrong, etc. By letting it go and showing them essentially "ok, it (or your acceptance and repentance) isn't that important in the grand scheme of things is far more effective at sort of subtly knocking them down a notch or two. Part of the problem in this situation as I see it is the self importance that she places on herself. Don't let her continue to be "important" in your mind for now...

But you've got to realize yourself first that in the grand scheme of things, she isn't the end all, be all, sister/friend/etc.. but your life will go on and your success therein is independent of her approval and acceptance.

[sarahsweets]

I think it depends on whether you felt you were out of line, whether you felt heard and if your sister if being realistic. If the answer is no to all those things it might be better to pull back for now and let things be.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think it depends on whether you felt you were out of line, whether you felt heard and if your sister if being realistic. If the answer is no to all those things it might be better to pull back for now and let things be.

I was out of line, but it was a knee jerk reaction to being antagonized by K. I immediately apologized and removed the single, stupid post from facebook.

I was definitely not heard. In fact I was shut down by family who refused to engage me, even worse, probably lied about intentionally when they put words in my mouth to vilify me.

The interesting thing is both sisters, intelligent women, must truly believe they are being realistic and so in the right that they are quite proud of themselves for their callous treatment of me, even knowing what emotional state I am in over this. But, they are completely not in the right at all and there was no convincing them otherwise... perhaps someone spoke such lies about me they were poisoned against me? Or they just never thought too highly of me to start with.

Note: I have been a very generous and loving daughter and sister.

I have tried way too hard with these people and doing nothing seems to be the best course of action here.

Thanks, my village!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think it depends on whether you felt you were out of line, whether you felt heard and if your sister if being realistic. If the answer is no to all those things it might be better to pull back for now and let things be.

I’d love to join your No F’s Given Society! Lol

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’d love to join your No F’s Given Society! Lol

You can be VP if you want. I have been the only member as president for awhile!