[Bill3]

In another thread divine1966 brought up the Five Love Languages.

I would be very interested to hear thoughts on how these work in practice.

Suppose, for example, that your love language is not your partner’s.

Would you use their love language, or yours?

And must you just accept that you are not going to be loved in the way that you want and perhaps even yearn to be loved?

Or should your partner love you in the way that you want and yearn to be loved?

Thoughts will be welcome and appreciated!

[sarahsweets]

How do you find out which one you are?

Try this quiz Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages(R)

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

How do you find out which one you are?

Bn-logo_307x47

[divine1966]

You have to do things for your partner that makes them feel loved. So it would be their language (not yours) and they would reciprocate meeting your needs using your language. Of course within reason. I mean if your partner likes gifts it doesn’t mean you must buy lavish gifts every week or quality time doesn’t mean quit your job and be wuth your partner 24/7. Exercise some logic and reason.

No I absolutely don’t believe in just accepting that you’ll never be loved the way you want to. It builds resentment and it’s miserable existence.

Of course it all has to be within common sense constraints, not everything could be done. Compromise and communication is a key

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

How do you find out which one you are?

What makes you loved and cherished the most.

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you so much for making this thread, Bill3! I'd be curios to know about it as well. I'm not very knowledgable about it. I hope the kind and wise people here on PC will be able to help me a bit. Sending many hugs to everyone

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you Bill3 for making this thread. I also would like to learn more about this

[Chyialee]

Good Evening Mr. Bill and everyone else.

Be aware that people's love language(s) can tend to shift a bit over time, or situationally. But the bases tend to stay the same> F.e.; my fiance's main need is specific and intense acknowledgement -- which can take the form of TOUCH (the usual) or simply Concentrated Attention.
He gets nuts when he feels I'm not telling him something, and by nuts I mean unhappy and anxious and PTSD-triggered. He feels abandoned.

My basic need is also Acknowledgement -- but via respect for my privacy and boundaries. I tend to feel invaded and "DEMANDED" when he wants to be physically close and I'm going thru shiz and can't deal w/his need for attention. I withdraw when overwhelmed (Aspie Lite)

We have a pretty good T.

Thank all Dieities!

We've also known each other for decades, and knew about each other's preferred Love languages/Acknowledgements before we ever got together.

Upshot is, sometimes one of us has to be the more sensitive and giving -- and sometimes the other. And sometimes we just both have to back WAY TF off because we've got our feelings spread ten feet around us and there's no way to approach without stepping on something. lol and ~sigh~

I doubt we're unique. Weird, yes; unique, no.

Hugs

xo

Chyia, love is easy; living it is hard

[Fuzzybear]

Papa bear, I think, may be Aspie lite

Hugs to all

[Chyialee]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Papa bear, I think, may be Aspie lite

Hugs to all

Dang. I'm sorry, Fuzzy Dear -- we're a lot to cope with sometimes; totally in our own heads and even when trying to be aware & sensitive to partner, we can remove ourselves to waaay more than arms lengths. ~le sigh~
In other words, we're a a pain in the touchis.

Lol I gotta say Crazyman and I had a hot spat which fortunately blew itself up on a gale of laughter. Went like this:

Crazyman: You aren't paying any attention to me and not talking to me and I'm feeling abandoned!
Me: ???WTF ??

CMan: You know exactly what I mean why didn't you talk to me about xyz and the house in IA and and and and besides that I hate it when you abcdesf.....

Me: How f888king dare you, back off and I mean NOW. Sorry about your insecurities; they're yours. So deal.

CMan: In otherwords go @#!$ myself right?

Me: In otherwords, you're picking a fight. Wanna fight?
CMan:YEAH!!!

Me:* Sticks out chin*, Trying to keep straight face:
" K. You start."
CMan: Oh dammit Chy...

(Uproarious laughter.)

So yeah

We've known each other too long and too well. We knew what we were getting when we signed up for this.

Heh.

xo,

Chyia, it is what it is and sometimes what it is, is a mess

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thank you Bill3 for making this thread. I also would like to learn more about this

Thank you Bill3!

Originally Posted by Little Cat

Try this quiz Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages(R)

I took the test and scored highest in:

Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Um definitely. My H is very good about telling me he loves me and giving complements but he also can get upset at times and say things that have shattered all of us.

We are compatible in the areas of quality time and physical touch (my scores were also high in these areas) but my spouse sucks in the area of gift giving and I have learned to expect/accept this. I value words of affirmation, quality time and touch more anyways.

All of the five love languages show we care. Perhaps we should try/make an effort to do them all whenever it is practical. You get what you give!

New Radicals - You Get What You Give

but he also can get upset at times and say things that have shattered all of us.

It is also not fair to be upset about angry words for too long. In relationships, you have to just advocate/stand up for yourself even when it feels uncomfortable. You have to figure out what your musts are in a relationship and figure out how to enforce that. You have to be willing to walk away if they aren't meeting your own personal musts. Sometimes you are going to fight--you have to care enough to fight and listen to each other's POV. There are reasons behind anger (or feeling shattered ) and you have to talk about it and work it out or around it. If you are working around it then you should be able to be open that that IS what you are doing and everyone should understand why. I am improving in this. My H and I's relationship has improved. We are on the same page regarding our children. It is getting better. It hasn't happened automatically. It takes self reflection, discussion, work.

[Travelinglady]

My understanding is we should meet our loved one's love language. The natural thing is to assume that what makes us feel loved is what we should do for someone else. But once we find out what makes our special one feel loved is what we ought to do if we really love that person.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Bill3

In another thread divine1966 brought up the Five Love Languages.

I would be very interested to hear thoughts on how these work in practice.

Suppose, for example, that your love language is not your partner’s.

Would you use their love language, or yours?

And must you just accept that you are not going to be loved in the way that you want and perhaps even yearn to be loved?

Or should your partner love you in the way that you want and yearn to be loved?

Thoughts will be welcome and appreciated!

Well the first thing I know about this subject is that understanding the love languages gives the couple the opportunity to understand each others language and thus learn better how to provide their partner with the things they desire and/or need.

it's really not all that foreign, just a good description of how people are affected by different behaviors and as such is a way to understand each other and learn to communicate better and everything. Even in any kind of therapy most of what is talked about is really the "languages" of each partner in the couple and the differences in communication, our interpretations of things said, and how better to communicate. Love languages is a good guideline for describing a few different types of people and how they love and are loved, it's realy just a tool for understanding and what you do with it takes your own discernment and action.

Ideally I would think that if your partner's love language is different than yours which is more often than not, true, that you would seek to find ways that you would love them in a way that they would interpret it as such. I mean is love doing what is easy and what we find familiar based on ourselves or is love actually knowing your partner and finding ways to give to them in ways that would make them feel loved?

must you accept that you'll never be loved in the way that you want? I think that's a good question but not too complex. Step away from the love languages and just simply ask yourself if you are to accept that your partner will never fill your needs in the way that you would expect or want? Would you stay with someone that continually ignores what your bents are, what your preferences, needs, values and such are? I think we all know the answer to that, and the 5 love languages just gives us a more summarized list of types of "love"

continuing tyour thought:

...should your partner love you in the way that you want and yearn to be loved?

I kind of answered that already but to be more clear, isn't that the definition of love itself? Is loving someone doing what you interpret as caring about them or is it about learning about your partner and giving them what they need in spite of the fact that sometimes it won't be "natural" to ourselves?

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Bill3

In another thread divine1966 brought up the Five Love Languages.

I would be very interested to hear thoughts on how these work in practice.

Suppose, for example, that your love language is not your partner’s.

Would you use their love language, or yours?

And must you just accept that you are not going to be loved in the way that you want and perhaps even yearn to be loved?

Or should your partner love you in the way that you want and yearn to be loved?

Thoughts will be welcome and appreciated!

Great topic! I never thought about that myself!

[Bowdent]

I may be in the minority here, but I am not a big fan of the love languages idea. This is probably because I felt that the concept was used as an emotional abuse tool against me. My attempts to show love for my wife were constantly invalidated, and I could never seem to figure out what her love language was. She would constantly tell me she didn’t feel loved, and I would try to explain that I had done this or that that she told me was her love language. She would respond by saying that I was just doing those things to appease her, and that despite my actions she still felt that unloved. I finally have realized after many, many years that her love language seems to be clear, and demonstrable emotional control. She said she has felt the most loved at the times when I felt at my absolute lowest, groveling and begging in apologetic submission for not being able to understand her love language. She feels most loved, when I clearly appear the most broken.
So, if you have a hard time trying to clearly find someone’s love language, and you feel constantly like a failure as a spouse, be careful of the love languages being used as an abusive tool.
I’m not stating that they are globally bad, but in my life they have been used to crush my spirit

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Bowdent

I may be in the minority here, but I am not a big fan of the love languages idea. This is probably because I felt that the concept was used as an emotional abuse tool against me. My attempts to show love for my wife were constantly invalidated, and I could never seem to figure out what her love language was. She would constantly tell me she didn’t feel loved, and I would try to explain that I had done this or that that she told me was her love language. She would respond by saying that I was just doing those things to appease her, and that despite my actions she still felt that unloved. I finally have realized after many, many years that her love language seems to be clear, and demonstrable emotional control. She said she has felt the most loved at the times when I felt at my absolute lowest, groveling and begging in apologetic submission for not being able to understand her love language. She feels most loved, when I clearly appear the most broken.
So, if you have a hard time trying to clearly find someone’s love language, and you feel constantly like a failure as a spouse, be careful of the love languages being used as an abusive tool.
I’m not stating that they are globally bad, but in my life they have been used to crush my spirit

It's understandable that you have a negative reaction to the concept but I would say that it's not the concept that is bad in your situation or that it is particularly prone for abuse, since it's just a description of how to interpret other's expectations, it's neither bad nor good but the fact is that when you are with someone that is emotionally abusive or otherwise dysfuncitonal they can and will use whatever tools or concepts that they have at their disposal to skew, twist and otherwise manipulate. So it just happens in your situation that it is the concept of the 5 love languages but the core problem was that you were with someone abusive and manipulative.

I hope that makes sense.

I highly recommend the book. My love language is not the same as H’s. You feel very loved when your significant other makes the effort to understand your love language. It also helps you to gain a bit of insight about yourself.

[Calypso2632]

I took the quiz and scored equally in Words of Affirmation and the physical touch one. 8 points to each. The test said that didn't happen often. Lol. Leave it to me!! But it does ring true. Then I had my boyfriend do it and his was Quality Time. These are good things to know that I can try to improve upon. Thanks for this thread!!