Emotional abuse? Controlling? What's he doing to me?!

I'm struggling enormously with my relationship, I feel physically sick with anxiety, disappointment and regret and may consider therapy asap. I've done almost all I can to make sure my boyfriend isn't paranoid, jealous neither untrusting of me - I don't leave our chat when we're not together because he wants us to speak back to back one to one. So I reply to friends through the notifications. Today, I left our chat a few times to kinda test the water, be a little rebellious, and reply to a friends message - what does my bf do? He goes to bed early and says "you seem more interested in someone else" just because I wasn't reading his messages straight away!!!!!!

BIG DISCLAIMER - I know now that I should NOT have EVER gone through excessive efforts of trying to prove anything to him. This is me hoping to find some insight on moving forward and learning from such naive choices which I gradually am.

It's a hard pain to explain but I feel internally and emotionally violated - I've no clue WHAT this horrible feeling is but I feel so gross and sick and angry at him for insinuating I'm doing something wrong by talking to a friend. I've devoted 110% of my attention to him and our chats since we first met MONTH'S ago so he knows I'm loyal to him. Just one day of talking to friends, I'm passively accused of hiding something. Bottom line is, I don't believe I've done anything wrong here but I know this will cause a huge problem tomorrow.

I can already see how this unfolds in several likely scenarios..
- he doesn't talk to me all day, maybe all week.
- we break up over the phone.
- argue.
- he apologises and we try to move on from this. But how much more can I take?!

This isn't the only problem we're having. There's far too much more to get into. I'm not sure how to feel. everyone says he's manipulative and controlling but I would really appreciate some unbiased perspectives from anyone who understands/has been where I am and moved on

When he's happy, we're perfectly fine but so much of the bad heavily outweighs the good. I'm so upset reflecting on the good times because we seem like aliens. This is what we really are!! He's paranoid, I'm devastated behind those seemingly happy faces.

this relationship isn't online, we're going through a period of not meeting in person after an argument in his car

What I keep thinking is - WHAT on earth was the point of all this?!?! All that fear, anxiety, hopes for things to get better... what happens to it all, what do I do with it? Time wasted? Or a lesson - what might that lesson be? Thank you for taking the time to read this, peace be with you all

It sounds like this boyfriend needs everything to revolve around him and if you don't comply with that he throws some kind of tantrum.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants YOU to be happy too.

eclair is this a strictly online relationship with your boyfriend?

Is he strictly online boyfriend? Something tells me you’ve never met. I apologize if I am wrong. But if I am right, don’t waste your time. He could be anybody.

Hello all, thanks for the replies - he's a real life boyfriend I meet almost every day but when we're not together, issues like this arise

By chat, I mean our whatsapp chat - I left so I could reply to another person. This SHOULDN'T even be a problem but I feel like he's made it into one, he's created this problem. For instance, before I started dating him I'd reply when I could to everyone I talk to instead of it always being back to back. Now I have to explain what I'm doing, why I took a while to respond etc

Thank you, open eyes That's a beautiful, kind thing to say - means a lot to me

The problem with WhatsApp is the other person can see that you are typing when you are in a chat with them, and if you stop typing then they know the message isn't for them. (Just a heads up for why he is so unreasonable when you are talking to other friends).

That being said, you deserve better than this. My guy sees me typing to other people on WhatsApp, (that's how I know other people can see the typing), but it doesn't bother him at all. This is a small issue, (not to diminish or downplay your feelings), but this shouldn't have escalated to the point where you feel its emotional abuse.

Small things usually lead to bigger things. Just be careful.

His behavior has the earmarks of a very controlling man. Sounds like he like to keep tabs on your every move and will accuse you of lying when you're on that WhatsApp.

Is there anything beneficial to you about this relationship?

Definitely sounds like he's very controlling and self-centred.

I'm glad to know you can have a perfectly fine exchange with your guy on whatsapp without any of this paranoia , that's how it should be It's never bothered anyone I've dated/befriended - he's sometimes paranoid about me looking at other men in the street so it goes above and beyond whatsapp, unfortunately but this feels like the boiling point where I've decided enough is enough on top of the constant "joking" about me allegedly sleeping around - WHERE is the humour in this??

Thank you so much for the response and the concern, thank you take care

You're right, everyone is telling me the same thing in my personal life - if I go out with a friend or family member, he raises the question "did you meet with another man?".. This is a red flag for me but leaving him feels very daunting and strange

What's beneficial? This will sound shallow but I like the affection - the hugs and cuddles. They manage to get rid of all the horrible things about our relationship and make it better temporarily until the next problem. They take my mind off things.

I think so too .

I'm coming in a little late, but these are all red flags. What would be next? What you wear out in front of the public is not OK? The way you do the dishes is not OK? Control comes out in all sorts of ways. This is just the first of it. Hugs and cuddles, I understand... that can be a powerful force to want to keep someone. Same with good sex. But these are warning signs of what's to come. Seems it's still early enough to break it off before you're too attached and having worse issues. Wishing you all the best, whatever decision you make!

Part of the “cycle of abuse” is times of a degree of kindness and warmth. These give the victim of control and abuse some hope and so she continues to stay around.

If he sees you almost every day, then him demanding you don’t talk to other people is controlling and completely uncalled for. So also if you see each other almost every day, what’s with the lengthy chats? Who has the time?

Just for your personal reference, i dated a guy just like your boyfriend. It escalated from his paranoia and verbal abuse to physical abuse where he'd slap me in the face IN PUBLIC (no one who saw him hit me, ever stopped to help me either which makes me angry in retrospect). Not saying that your boyfriend will physically abuse you.

But you are being abused right now by your boyfriend verbally, and he's manipulating you providing you with the shallow affection. It's up to you if you want to leave him.

But if your friends are noticing this too in your boyfriend, and people online are telling you that he's acting abusive, then you have a lot to think about. Is being abused by ONE MAN worth it? There are a ton of men out there you can date, who won't abuse you. The question is: what do you want?

From your description, I will say that it seems to me that he is very very likely a controlling person but at the very least is severely manipulative.

"you seem more interested in someone else" Manipulative statement that is implying that if you're devoted to him there should not be a moment when your attention is ever split between him and others. Is this realistic? obviously you know it's not. It's also not fair to you. Ask yourself, first, does he actually believe this is healthy? The answers that come in both cases are bad. First if he believes this is a real and valid expectation what does it say about what he wants? That he wants you to be completely engulfed by him, his presence. If he believes that, is this the type of relationship you want to have? If he does not believe that this is a healthy expectation, it is worse because he is entirely aware of the manipulation and is doing it for control reasons. To make you feel bad and make you conform to his expectations. The more he can isolate you from others the more he has power to control. Because the controller wants no outside influences that might make you aware of what's being done to you.

He may be paranoid. He may have issues with trust. so? Who cares, it is not your job to alleviate those problems when they are not based on anything abnormal or wrong that you've done. having paranoia, trust or other issues is never an excuse to be manipulative and/or controlling and to expect the other person to make those symptoms go away. it is the opposite of loving someone because love as a behavior is one that seeks to give to the other, the things they need, and is selfless.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, eclairparty98! I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given some great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! I don't have much to add to what everyone on this thread has already wisely and wonderfully said! I completely agree that he seems like an abusive, dangerous man. From what you wrote it seems like you know it as well! Please try to run away from him as soon as you can! You deserve MUCH, MUCH better than him! Please try to dump him as soon as you can! You deserve to live an happy, fulfilling life and relationship, but with someone else that will truly love you for who you truly are! Please try to run away from him as far and as soon as you can! You deserve to live a better life and to NOT be abused at all! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! We'll be here for you if you need support! I hope your family and friends will be supportive as well! You deserve all the help you can get to get through all of this! You're still in time! It's not too late! Keep fighting! Run! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, eclairparty98! We all believe in you! Believe in yourself as well! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Keep fighting and take good care of yourself, ok? Remember that you're an awesome, strong warrior! We all know that! I'm sure you know that as well, even if it's deep down! Keep fighting! You can do this! You've got this! Keep fighting!

Besides, by dating this guy, you're probably driving away non-abusive guys - either becasue they see you as taken or because they think it signals that controlling or abusive men are your type, discouraging men who aren't controlling or abusive.

That's not exactly a supportive statement. You're actually shaming the OP for dating an abusive guy. Can you see that? Wow.

Hello there!! Thank you so much for your supportive response , this combined with your beautiful perfect username came at such wonderful timing and means so much to me. Thank you!

He's already started to make comments on what I wear - it's too early for any of these problems. These problems should never ever exist in any relationship to begin with!! I know I'll have to break it off. Thank you again for your support

I briefly dated a guy once who commented on what I wore, I had a red jacket on, pretty one. And he said I look like a fire truck, then he was surprised I was done with him. Stay away from these kind of guys!

Yikes, divine1966! I dated guys like that too -- who insulted my clothes or makeup. They acted indignant after I'd dump them. Well, it's because you were an abusive a--h---! Why would I ever put up with that kind of nonsense from a man!

Oh, you're very welcome, and thanks for the kind words!

Oh dear -- yeah, this doesn't sound good...... I know it may be really hard, but it may be the best thing for you to do.. and it sounds like it is. Please do take good care of yourself, gather your supports around you so you can have the strength & courage to do what you need to. Wishing you well!!! And remember, when one door closes, a window opens... love can be found again!!! With a better man.