I may have made a mistake getting married

Yes, more time is needed. I just needed support while I figure it out. I have trouble sorting out my feelings. I used to shove them down years ago with an eating disorder. I am trying hard to just figure out my boundaries & limits, the deal breakers, as you put it, where I stand on various issues, and how I truly feel.

This may be superficial sounding, but I am very attracted to my husband! He's both very handsome and cute in my mind and there's definitely a chemistry between us. A physical reaction and real chemistry. We basically do it for each other. You don't always get that in a relationship, plus companionship. We have that. .. on the plus side. And for me attraction is very very important. I cannot be in a relationship without that spark of chemistry. I realize this is not everything that makes something work, but it certainly helps.

Not superficial. It’s important. Most certainly chemistry and physical attraction have to be there, otherwise might as well be friends, not lovers. Unsure how to conduct a relationship without chemistry and if people actually do that. It sounds more like friendship. How do you even get intimate without chemistry.

Saying that the most intense chemistry I ever fell was for people who were the most wrong for me. I talked to a therapist about it and she said it’s common, and I am not alone in it, so it’s not just me. Our bodies subconsciously respond to what’s familiar. Often familiar is unhealthy pattern, unhealthy relationship pattern, often stems from family of origin. When we meet somebody who could be healthy and good for us it doesn’t always feel familiar so we might not subconsciously respond as strongly. If we stick it out it though it could grow into strong love that is sustainable. I am not saying feeling strong chemistry is wrong, it is just never enough to provide feelings of fulfillment and true happiness in a long run. I most certainly attracted to my husband or I’d not bother but I am a bit cautious when I hear about most intense chemistry.

I would recommend working with him to make a list of ways to do this so you can refer to it when feelings start to rise. Maybe define the main disagreement, then take a walk to clear your heads.

This is wonderful news, Eve. People CAN change for the better if they really want to. It's a hard, continuing effort, but there's nothing like a special relationship to provide that motivation.

Very best wishes to the both of you.

Sounds like he is realizing he has some bad patterns and is trying to stop them. That’s huge. If you set a boundary for yourself-“not one more fight that bad”, you need to tell him that because its only fair and gives him a chance to work with you on new ways of solving disagreements before things escalate. I would recommend working with him to make a list of ways to do this so you can refer to it when feelings start to rise. Maybe define the main disagreement, then take a walk to clear your heads. Is there a possible compromise, etc My therapist just gave me some rules for communicating that are supposed to prevent things lapsing into a fight. You’ve probably heard them. Things like saying “I understand what your saying...”. You could google this way of communicating.
You dont have to co-mingle your money. Sounds like you had better have separate accounts. In fact, that might take some of the stress down a notch.

You're still going to have disagreements, and a part of a good relationship is being able to work through an argument in a healthy way.

I don't want to divulge too many details of what's happening in my marriage right now because I don't want to hear negative input that will influence me. I know people will most likely tell me to leave him IF I do relate all the details..

I need to work this out for myself, & suffice it to say, I've been questioning whether it will last.... and we JUST got married only a few weeks ago!

We've been having many problems, some of which I knew and saw, some of which I am only seeing now. The thought of having to end this sooner than later made me beyond depressed and suicidal feeling the other day.

I am posting this simply to have people respond with support around my conflicting emotions and confusion.

I do love him, but I have mounting concerns, some of which are financial.

We also have had some bad fights, just before the wedding, during the honeymoon and after the honeymoon.

He has anger problems and can be explosive. He will not admit to this, but he has a very bad temper.

He will NOT go to a counselor. He says that IF that comes up, then that means the relationship is over.

I know that what that is really about. He doesn't want a counselor telling him that he in is the wrong. He is very defensive and cannot be in the wrong. He DOES apologize when he hurts my feelings and CAN take some amount of ownership when I tell him so.

I don't know how I feel, I really don't. I DO love him and want it to work out, but then I see the mounting concerns and problems and I feel very pessimistic about it.

There's a LOT at stake if I leave him. A LOT. I would lose my whole social network that we both share, and a lot more than that. And I know I need to grapple with those issues...

This is a process. We just got married. I am not willing to pull the plug that quickly.

But I knew before the wedding that I had serious concerns..... and I went through with it anyways. I could not deal with a breakup right then and there. And I knew just before the ceremony while we were fighting that it was maybe a mistake.

What's worse is I am not talking to family about it. Only a couple of girlfriends. I am not letting many people into this situation, again because I don't want to be influenced.

There are good things too and he can be most loving and endearing a lot of the time, but the concerns are big and valid, especially when it comes to finances.

I am deeply sadenned that you are going through all of this! It's great that you have witnessed a turnaround in your hub's behavior but it's always important to remember that you are unique and have your individual needs, thus continual assertion of your boundaries is necessary. You have a right to seek a marriage counselor without being controlled. This also extends to your closest friends and family members. You can speak up if you are screamed at or have seen too much temper. You have a right to end any relationship, from casual to romantic, that's not founded on security and love. Most importantly, you are a worthy, loveable, and thoughtful person with your own story, strenghts, and weaknesses! I hope you remember you have my support and everyone else's here; you are very much valued despite everything you're going through!

Good for you knowing your limits and asserting your rights (in a loving manner).

The way I look at things (and I realize that my opinion might not be popular- although I think you share it), that there are things in life that we MUST do and often having to put up with unpleasantries: we must have a job to pay bills, we must provide care for minor children if we have them, we must pay rent if we are renting etc Those are “musts”.

Marriage in my opinion is not a MUST. It’s not something people have to do. One can be single and just enjoy friendships or single and date or single and live together etc etc

Since marriage isn’t something we must have, I don’t believe that we must put up with something or accept something that we don’t enjoy or allow something or even simply have less than what we want. I personally see no reason. I am not saying people must divorce after one fight or expect 100% perfection but I honestly think something close to 100% is desirable, otherwise why be married?

That’s why I am pleased to see that you want to stay if things improve and are good and you won’t put up with it if things are not right. That’s wise and logical approach.

In a meanwhile I am glad he is showing improvement. Good news!!!

awwwww, thank you SO very much for your kind words and supportive encouragement!

I agree with everything you wrote! You are so right on about all your points. I do have these rights, and I am definitely aware of it. I have made my voice known, and I will not be controlled OR silenced. If that is how he wants things to be, I will most definitely walk away..... but he does seem to have come around to a very different place than he has expressed before. So there's some hope... like I just wrote above. A sliver of hope. Thank you. (((((((hugs))))))))

Have you told him that you'll leave is he's to revert back to his old ways just one more time? Not that you should have to, but sometimes people need to have it spelled out to them to appreciate the gravity of their actions and the consequences that could arise from them. Even if it appears obvious. Spoken confirmation basically seals it.

Otherwise, good luck. Hope it works out.