[Impala]

If someone has badly let you down,if your trust in them has really been broken (for whatever reason-in my case my friend claimed it was through illness),can you/should you approach them and give them the opportunity to earn your trust again,or is it never going to work unless they approach you? (Just re-reading that makes me realise again just how little trust I have-I used the word "claimed"-I don't even know whether to believe that her hurtful behaviour was caused by illness or whether she used it as an excuse!!!)

[salukigirl]

thats up to you. personally, if i dont try and nothing is ever resolved it eats away at me. i like to give people a couple chances because no one will ever be completely unwavering for you. not your parents, nobody. were all human and we all make mistakes. but if youre not comfortable yet then dont. maybe you just need to give yourself some time to heal.

my example: my friend, natalie, used me for months. she would call me and say that if her boyfriend brought it up, she was staying at my apartment when really she was out with other guys, cheating on him. she would make plans with me and never show up. basically if i had plans with her i knew to make other plans because she was so unreliable. but she was 17. so i was so crushed that not only was she lying to her boyfriend who is a great guy, but i was her cover up. i couldnt stand lying to him so i said i was out. i was not ready to talk to her until just a few months ago and this happened almost 3 years ago. now we talk again and we settled our differences and shes a different person now. some people might say thats a long time to hold a grudge but i wasnt ready because of how many times she had used me and how many times she let me down.

so i think youll know when its time, if there ever is a time. everyone has their own length of healing time needed. but if you are just going to be reminded every time you talk to her of what she did i would give it a rest for a while. and even if she does come to you, if youre not ready then youre not ready. forgiveness is a lot harder than it sounds and everyone moves at their own pace.

[Impala]

Hi Salukigirl,
Thanks for that-it's a really helpful answer because I think you might have "hit the nail on the head" for me.I want to trust my friend again,I really do-I want to contact her and give it a go but something always stops me.My intentions are really good but somehow I don't seem able to put them into action..............maybe ,as you say,I just need more time.I'm glad you and your friend worked things out in the end.

[salukigirl]

please keep me updated on how things go with you and your friend. you might figure out that its not worth it to keep up the energy required of the relationship. you just need to think of what is healthy for you. dont keep up a relationship if its just tearing you apart. its not only bad for your mental health but your physical health as well. good luck with everything.

[Impala]

Thanks for your interest-I will let you know how things go.I'm still wary as I was badly hurt and don't want that to happen again.At the same time,I remember when things were very good.

In the meantime,I'm spending time with old friends and making one or two new ones...........I think this has kind of made me appreciate some of my friends more which is postive.

[salukigirl]

thats good that you can have a positive outlook on the whole situation. i think that was part of my problem was not being able to see the silver lining like the fact that i wasnt hurting anymore. or the fact that i became closer with my other friends etc...

[Impala]

That's about the only positive I do draw from the situation ,I'm afraid.I think trying to trust takes courage ,which I don't seem to have at the moment.

[Impala]

In this situation,is it down to my friend to approach me? If I approach her,is that sending the message that what she did before is ok?

[salukigirl]

if you want to approach her but youre afraid it will look like what she did was okay then make that known. tell her that what she did was inexcusable but its still not enough to break a friendship and she will have to earn your trust back. be up front about it.

[curley]

Dear Impala, If someone breaks your trust (for any reason), like you said, obviously it is up to you if and how you continue the relationship. If I knew that I had really hurt someone that meant a lot to me, I would go to them and try to make it right! Your friend must realize the way you feel, so why hasnt she come to you and tried to save the friendship! I would wonder if she cares. Like the previous post say, obviously it is up to you, but think twice cause there is a great possibility you will be hurt again. Trust is a very important thing to have in any relationship. From what I am reading, I dont know if she deserves your trust!

[Impala]

I appreciate what you're all saying,and I am very very worried about being hurt.I then think ,but she's ill though........and think it's not nice of me to give up.

[sabby]

Hi Impala,

Trust is a very important thing in relationships with others as you know. If indeed this person is ill and not just using their illness as an excuse, then I would say go to them and talk it out. The worst that can happen is that you feel she will remain untrustworthy and you can make your decision from there if you want to keep that person in your life or not.

Maybe this individual needs you to explain exactly what it was that hurt you and how it made you feel. It could be a learning experience for the both of you.

So many times our trust is compromised by misunderstandings. That's why it's so important to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. People have different perceptions of an experience and unless we discuss them openly, there can be lots of heartache and mistrust.

I wish you well Impala and hope you find what is best for you with this relationship. Go with your gut instinct on this after you have an open dialoge with this person, it will lead you in the right direction


sabby

[Impala]

Thank you Sabau.I guess the bottom line is that my friend has hurt me enormously and my trust in her is minimal right now,At the same time I still care for her but have no idea wether she has any regard for me at all.Her words(last time we were in touch) said she did,her actions said ahe absoulutely didn't.(I've always been a believer that actions speak louder than words). I cannot believe how anyone could treat someone the way she did me and still claim to "care" for them.Then comes the complicating factor of mental illness which either she uses to excuse atrocious behaviour or is the real reason for her behaviour. Where do I begin and how do I say all that? I don't feel I'd want to meet in person,such is my feeling that I need to protect myself.From my point of view I'd prefer to keep some distance to begin with and speak online but that was something she refused to do with me even though she was obsessed with an online relationship and so used her computer to talk all the time! (When it suits her-see what I mean?).So,where and how do I start in getting all this across? That's where I'm stuck.

[Junerain]

How to get this all across? Written comunication can afford you to get it all out without getting hurt or interrupted and without appearing as vulnerable...yet without an online connection.....what about snail mail? It still exists, am i right? You could really write it all out....

I struggle with forgiving too...when to, when no to, and to me, there are 2 wonderful points brought up in this thread......

1) Salukigirl.."Everyone has their own period of healing time.....

You may need.....TIME!!! I've been in a terrible, terrible fight with my own mother and the more time passes, and the more I dream at night and unconscientiously unwind, I find, yes, time helps!! You can allot an amount of time without contact to make sense of it all and find your inner bearings.....

2) Curley..You can decide if AND HOW the friendship will comtinue....perhaps only you will get together and do something distracting like go to a movie then you can discuss the movie its bigger and smaller issues...perhaps you will just talk on the phone without seeing each other in person....perhaps you can accompany her to a mental health clinic or center or hotline if that is her issue her mental health or is it's physical then to a clinic to the according health issue..perhaps you can just get together in a group....there are limitless ways YOU can define the HOW in the relationship...

write us again, Impala.....this thread is helping me, too, I hope it helps everyone who reads it and struggles with forgiveness and assertiveness...

[Impala]

Hi Junerain,
Thanks for replying.Forgiveness is such a difficult issue isn't it? Right now,there's been no contact between us for months (except the birthday card which she sent-Lord knows why after the way she behaved!). I think you are right about time,although in my case I'm not sure how much further on I am-maybe,as you say,I just need more time still.Do you find that with time your feelings of hurt and anger have lessened? How much does forgiveness depend on the other person being able to meet us half way? I guess,in it's purest sense,it doesn't depend on the other person at all and it's possible to forgive someone yet never speak to them again.............but in real life? It would be so much easier if there were some sign from the other person that they want this too-has that happened in your case?It hasn't in mine,sadly. I do have an email address I could send to-I was referring more to a way of having a two way conversation which I'd prefer to do via instant messenger,to keep some distance and that's what my friend wasn't willing to do.(with me).

[Junerain]

Yes, with time my feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, powerlessness, fear, and betrayal have lessened....they say time is the healer of all things..........You say you are waiting for..'....some sign...' isn't the birthday card a sign by the definition of signs, right? Perhaps that was your friend's way of reaching out, no? I haven't gotten any sign in my case that they want this too, yet I love MYSELF deep down and am not going to be tooooo dependent on getting that meet 'halfway..' You could write exactly that, to your friend, in an email, about meeting halfway, about a sign from your friend, you may have to give up the desire for 2 way communication but this way you won't be interrupted you can WRITE IT ALL OUT, EVERYTHING...right? You could even give your friend a link to this thread if you so desire...

[salukigirl]

junerain - are you poking me in the head with a stick? lol. are you calling what i said stupid or are you agreeing with me? im confused.

[Junerain]

Im agreeing I'm agreeing, I'm such a visual person and the picture there gives way to reaching out and feeling out to where boundaries are...which time does in its way...

[Impala]

I can't even convince myself to send my friend a christmas card after all this,such a simple thing.I'd never have dreamed this time last year that I'd feel this way.Isn't it awful? I really feel like I should send one but then can't seem to bring myself to write it or mail it.I really don't know why I feel like this about such a relatively minor thing .

[Impala]

Maybe it's my "gut instinct" telling me something ,or an excuse on my part because I'm so wary???

[Junerain]

Listen to your gut, it's the one thing you have. You were the one who brought up a Christmas card or a Christmas email....was it your gut telling you to acknowledge Christmas with your friend? Perhaps a simple merry christmas on an email or snail mail and that's it, if that's all you muster...I bet your friend calls YOU after that!!