[Greensea08]

Hello everyone,

I joined this forum because I’m looking for advice (both professional and non-professional) on how to handle certain events that are occurring in my life. I’ve been mentally and physically struggling everyday because of these events and it’s really taking its toll on me.
I recently discovered that my partner of 5 years has cheated on me and I am currently using another form of therapy to help me through this breakup/heartbreak process and it was going pretty well. Another incident of unfaithfulness has occurred in my life though just a few days ago between my parents, but only I know about it. I have never been faced with this much stress and heartbreak in my life at the same time and any help will be very appreciated.

[~Christina]

My first husband cheated on me. I felt every negative emotion under the sun. I of course blamed myself for a long time. I got myself into Therapy and started processing it, wasn’t easy.

The biggest thing I learned and accepted that I did nothing to cause him to cheat. He choose to be a sucky human and cheat instead of being a man and leave the relationship if he was that unhappy. I was dealing with having my Father battling cancer and I guess he thought I spent more time with him at the hospital.... he mentioned that once. Yes sucky human being.

He married her the day after our divorce was final. Our daughter was 6 and she started to refuse to go to his house because they fought all the time. So yeah I’ll admit I got a chuckle out of it.

Welcome to Pc

[Open Eyes]

No one wants to be cheated on and when it happens it's extremely disappointing and can really affect one's ability to trust. When it happens it's important to make sure you don't fall into questioning if you were worthy of being respected and valued. Instead, it typically means the cheater lacks in ability to respect and is very susceptible to being selfish and only think about their OWN needs. Often there is something "missing" in the cheater that he/she can't seem to fill and that's why that person tends to be so self absorbed and often struggles to respect and appreciate the relationship they have. It's not about what the victim is not able to fill either, most of the time it's something the cheater continues to struggle with and therefore often never can enjoy a true caring and respectful quality relationship.

It's really not surprising this relationship forum is so busy either in that one of the things that so many struggle with that stretches back to an early age in them is developing the ability to RESPECT. Often many don't really see it in their own home and engaged in by their own parents. When I was growing up my parent's generation basically revolved around the man being the king of the home and everything revolving around HIM and HIS NEEDS and constantly pleasing HIM. That entire way of thinking has most definitely created a lot of problems that have been handed down to other generations. However, there were families where instead of the man being the king, the mother was the one that ruled and wore the pants, that too created problems that got handed down. Then there came the "throw away" marriages where if things were not going so well instead of staying committed it became socially acceptable to divorce and end a relationship feeling no guilt or shame about it. Many now are even beginning to wonder if marriage should even happen or have any value anymore. It's not surprising that people genuinely stress over what commitment actually means and feel so confused.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with the other wise posters, @Greensea08! I'm so sorry that you've been cheated on. You did NOT deserve that. Take your time to grieve. It is NOT your fault. I'm glad that you are going to therapy to help you heal. It is certainly not easy and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with unfaithfulness from your parents as well Please keep fighting. It will get better. I promise you that. Just keep working on yourself and please keep in mind that it was not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. Please keep that in mind, ok? I hope this forum will help you. There's plenty of supportive people here. Please hang in there. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Greensea, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING IT LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC!:
I hope you will find the information and the support you may be seeking.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I am going through this, too, after 27 years with my H, whom I'd always considered my best friend, in addition to being my husband.

He has been involved in several practices which I personally find repulsive. I have been very shocked! I do not know this m

In all honesty, he was "caught" planning against our relationship 14 years ago. I
had found a deposit slip to a bank on the
other side of a U.S.!

Upon confrontation, he had offered up the explanation that his BP had caused him hypersexuality and other complications. His therapist seemed to agree with him.
So, for 14 years, he has been frequently telling me how sorry he is.... Further stating he never would have never done it if he was not I'll with BPII .

Just about 6 weeks ago, I'd found out that he has carried on with this for the past 14 years! He's a very believable liar. I had no idea! I know people often say: " the wife had to know.". I used to think this, as well! It is not true, however

. I wish I had known... And I am one to take an action, to confront him and to make something happen!

Hehasbeen very proficient at living a double life. I do not understand the mentality that goes along with this.

He has also been participating in a lifestyle I find repulsive. It's just unbelievable... And VErY hurtful!

He shows absolutely no remorse and treats me like I was found out and am untrustworthy, etc, I do not know this guy!
Seriously.

So, while things might be difficult while deciding just what to do about your relationship and your life, it's critical to extract ANY type of an unfaithful person out of your life, ASAP, even with some initial "heartache."

My heart goes out to you!
Please rake good care of YOU!

[divine1966]

I am sorry to hear that. I personally wouldn’t stay with cheaters but I can’t tell you what to do.

Please be safe though. check for STDs and don’t ever have unprotected sex with him. He is not to be trusted. I’ve met this one lady HIV positive, she contracted it from her own husband who slept around. No man is worth to have something like that

[sarahsweets]

So one of your parents was unfaithful with the other? Thats really rough because it puts you in the position of confusion and feeling like you have to choose sides.

[continuosly blue]

I have since learned that monogamy is almost an impossible practice. I have learned that you can’t trust any human being just for the fact that they’re human. We enter into relationships thinking that we own the other person. We don’t “ own “ anybody. There could be a million different reasons why he did what he did and none of them could have anything to do with you.
It’s very hard to trust. The main thing I learned is make sure you can take care of yourself. Don’t ever have to depend on anyone. You come into this world alone and you go out alone. What happens in between is called life. I think someday marriage will be a thing of the past. Maybe even love too......
Hope you get through this betrayal.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

I have since learned that monogamy is almost an impossible practice.

I understand that your experience might lead you to feel this way and that is fine. But i cant help but share that monogamy is entirely possible and trust as well. I met my husband when I was 18 and we married when I was 20. We are coming up on 24 years of marriage so I just wanted to put it out there that it is possible.

I have learned that you can’t trust any human being just for the fact that they’re human. We enter into relationships thinking that we own the other person. We don’t “ own “ anybody. There could be a million different reasons why he did what he did and none of them could have anything to do with you.

This is a very good point. I do not think I own my husband nor he owns me but you are right. Just because people are people doesn't mean we own them. And this person's cheating could have nothing to do with the op so good point.

It’s very hard to trust. The main thing I learned is make sure you can take care of yourself. Don’t ever have to depend on anyone. You come into this world alone and you go out alone. What happens in between is called life. I think someday marriage will be a thing of the past. Maybe even love too......

It is hard to trust especially if you are a trauma survivor or have been betrayed in the past and taking care of yourself is a priority. Maybe marriage will fall by the wayside but I hope not. For those of us who want a commitment I think its worthy. I have no judgement against people who do not want to marry but I do believe love is the most important thing.

[divine1966]

Monogamy is certainly possible.

Saying that if one doesn’t want to be monogamous it’s fine as long as they either don’t enter committed relationships or inform their partners of their intentions to sleep around, then informed partner could make their choice.

As long as people are honest it’s all good.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s probably difficult to get through the work day with this stuff weighing heavy on you. I hope coming here to talk helps you work through it. I wish you all the best.