What is it with these types of men?! They see themselves as the victim of everyone else's actions, so that THEY don't have to take responsibility for themselves. It's like they derive pleasure from their own misery. God forbid you ask these guys to grow up, b/c that's asking them too much.

They refuse to accept ANY responsibility for their current circumstances because it's LIFE's fault, never theirs. The world is against them. They can't be mature. They can't follow through. They can't respect my feelings or care about me as a person.

I'm sick of it!

Where are the emotionally available, mentally healthy men to date? Where are they?

I've done the online dating game and all I got from it was an abusive relationship with a divorced man and some truly awful first and second dates from other men who were so wrong for me, it was horrifying.

Men are so shallow, it seems. All they think about is themselves. And since I'm over 40, my relationship value seems to have plummeted to an all-time low because the only men interested, are the ones who are looking for their next victim to emotionally manipulate. And, as my favorite clown from the 90s tv sketch show In Living Color said, "I don't think so. Homey don't play that."

I deserve to be with a man who is emotionally mature, takes responsibility for himself, is mentally healthy, and quick to apologize when he's wrong, vs. a man who gives me the silent treatment in an attempt to try to emotionally manipulate and control me, or who tries to play the victim with me so that I"ll put him first and myself second.

I hate that I can't find the healthy version of the man I deserve to be with. This is ridiculous!

End rant.

I forgot to add. I’m not in the rehab business of fixing broken men. I’m not interested in being a man’s emotional caretaker or doormat. I used to accept those types but not anymore. I’m not a bad person either. I’m just intolerant of men who play the victim card in order to manipulate me.

These two quotes really resonate with me because it validates how I feel: I deserve better.

“Just remember that it's not your responsibility to fix a broken man. It's not worth your time, your effort, your love or your tears. If he's not willing to fix himself for you, there's nothing left to do but walk away and move behind his selfish, immature, and ultimately abusive behavior. Not all men are broken, but you have to believe you deserve better. Expect better and you'll receive better, it's that simple.”

― Pierre Alex Jeanty, Unspoken Feelings of a Gentleman

“The truth is, no strong man takes advantage of a woman's vulnerability. It is a trait of the weak.”

― Pierre Alex Jeanty, Unspoken Feelings of a Gentleman

[sarahsweets]

@streetcarblanche:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

What is it with these types of men?! They see themselves as the victim of everyone else's actions, so that THEY don't have to take responsibility for themselves. It's like they derive pleasure from their own misery. God forbid you ask these guys to grow up, b/c that's asking them too much.

Makes you wonder if they are the sterotypical "Mama's boys".

They refuse to accept ANY responsibility for their current circumstances because it's LIFE's fault, never theirs. The world is against them. They can't be mature. They can't follow through. They can't respect my feelings or care about me as a person.

I know this isnt quite narcisstic but it makes you wonder.

Men are so shallow, it seems. All they think about is themselves. And since I'm over 40, my relationship value seems to have plummeted to an all-time low because the only men interested, are the ones who are looking for their next victim to emotionally manipulate. And, as my favorite clown from the 90s tv sketch show In Living Color said, "I don't think so. Homey don't play that."

Its so backwards and reminds me of the way women are looked at as they age vs men. Women are expected to color their hair to hide the grey, practically sleep in makeup so they always look on point, have a perfect figure, the latest fashions and be willing to sleep with you at anytime. Women are criticized for aging. Men on the other hand tend to look "wise". Gray hair is the new sexy. No one suggests they get botox and "work" done to make them seem younger. How many times have you heard about a 50 year old man dating a 30 year old woman?

I deserve to be with a man who is emotionally mature, takes responsibility for himself, is mentally healthy, and quick to apologize when he's wrong, vs. a man who gives me the silent treatment in an attempt to try to emotionally manipulate and control me, or who tries to play the victim with me so that I"ll put him first and myself second.

Yes you do deserve all of that.

I hate that I can't find the healthy version of the man I deserve to be with. This is ridiculous!

End rant.

I hate the way things are now when it comes to dating but I have no answers. I know that if I had to date now or wasnt married I would be screwed and wouldnt know the first thing about dating. And I wouldnt be able to tolerate the "titty-babies" that are out on the prowl.

[rechu]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

I forgot to add. I’m not in the rehab business of fixing broken men. I’m not interested in being a man’s emotional caretaker or doormat. I used to accept those types but not anymore. I’m not a bad person either. I’m just intolerant of men who play the victim card in order to manipulate me.

Good for you for having a clear idea of what you will accept. One of my aunts was one of those that always tried to fix her partners and went through four failed marriages with those types of men. She never learned, it seems.

I agree with Sarah, that it sounds like a lot of these are mama's boy types.

From several people I know, the dating game after 40, especially online, sounds brutal. Makes me glad I am not in it.

Hugs!! I hope you are able to meet a good man.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with those kinds of people, @StreetcarBlanche! I COMPLETELY agree with you, and with sarahsweets and rechu as well. You do deserve better. I understand why you find dating frustrating. It IS frustrating most of the times. I hope you'll still keep looking for the right Man for you though! It doesn't have to be Online Dating if you don't like it either. Either way, whathever you decide, we'll be here to support you and validate your feelings. You DO deserve a good relationship so please NEVER settle for anything LESS! Keep venting here if it helps. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME as well. I'll listen to what you have without judging and try to offer some Advice when I can. I'm sure plenty will gladly help you as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @StreetcarBlanche, and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING!

Thanks sarah, rechu, and mickey!!!

I'm just now realizing the irony of my PC member name and photo of a very tragic character herself, Blanche DuBois from the Tennessee Williams' play, A Streetcar Named Desire. Poor Blanche DuBois's first husband she marries is actually gay -- she catches him with an older man at a dance they attend together -- and she blamed herself for his homosexual nature and marrying her. Then a bunch of her family members die, so she turns to alcohol and sexual promiscuity to cope with the multiple losses only to create a false persona of the woman she strives to be but isn't yet, and this is why she fails in her next two relationships with men in the play.

I think I pulled the Blanche DuBois (this should become a coined term now, in psychology relationship circles, I'll gladly take the credit!) in my 20s and 30s where I created a mask with men, where I projected the type of woman I wanted to be but wasn't (yet), so I accepted ALL the wrong men into my life, the same exact way Blanche DuBois does in the play. Now? I like who I am, and don't wear a mask.

I REFUSE to put up with the mama's boys, the passive-aggressive victims, the narcissists, the fixer uppers (I love the HGTV show but that's IT), the non-communicator (who cant express their emotional feelings or thoughts), the guy who doesn't know himself (who won't even make an effort to get to know himself b/c that's his girlfriend's job in his eyes), the two-timer, the liar, the ghoster, the chaser, the wounded-lost guy (no map you provide will guide him to his true nature, that's HIS job but he refuses to do it himself), and the loner.

Give me literature or give me death. I will not go gently into the good night. I sure as hell won't do online dating again EVER. And, I won't put up with men who don't have their act together. If that means I stay single until I shuffle off this mortal coil (against my will b/c i want to be a vampire and live forever, maybe I should date LeStat), then so be it.

I'd rather be single than stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who is so lost, even if he got naked and afraid, and followed a tv production crew back to civilization, he'd STILL be wandering around looking to blame someone else for his choices. No thanks!

Online dating: what a nightmare! Guys who lied about themselves in their online dating profiles. Guys who just wanted to have a penpal but never meet in person. Guys who wanted a phone-a-friend but never meet in person. Guys who were scary abusive types. Guys with serious mental health problems. Guys who just wanted to use me as a floatation device for their bruised egos. Who wanted to control me, hit me, put me down, lie to me, disrespect me, blame me for their behavior. Never again will I pay some website a monthly fee to connect me with men who aren't good guys.

Where is he? Not prince charming. Eww. But Mr. Right. Mr. I-like and respect you and want to compliment your life, not overtake it or try to fix or change you-guy.

[luvyrself]

What did these men do?

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

What did these men do?

I’m not sure details matter so much because she’s expressing her experiences. But I understand why you’re curious. I think many people might be.

Originally Posted by luvyrself

What did these men do?

That's not up for discussion luvyrself. This is a rant thread, not a pour-my-heart-out in a dramatic monologue way thread. I'm not going to regale PC with every single bad relationship (although I did post about a couple) that I've had. And why should I? I just RANTED. End of.

Besides, that's not the point of my rant thread about bad relationships. A rant by definition is to speak or shout at length in a wild, impassioned way. Which is what I have done here.

[winter4me]

I think your thought about your PC name is worth digging into deeper---but shutmeup I know you are just ranting right now.

Originally Posted by winter4me

I think your thought about your PC name is worth digging into deeper---but shutmeup I know you are just ranting right now.

Now is the winter4me of my discontent. Like my monarch friend Richard III who is unhappy with the propaganda against him much like I am unhappy about the state of dating affairs for the after-40s crowd like myself. I rant, therefore I am.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

These two quotes really resonate with me because it validates how I feel: I deserve better.

“Just remember that it's not your responsibility to fix a broken man. It's not worth your time, your effort, your love or your tears. If he's not willing to fix himself for you, there's nothing left to do but walk away and move behind his selfish, immature, and ultimately abusive behavior. Not all men are broken, but you have to believe you deserve better. Expect better and you'll receive better, it's that simple.”

― Pierre Alex Jeanty, Unspoken Feelings of a Gentleman

The emboldened part is the part that I would like to draw attention to. I have heard both men and women cry, "I deserve better!" while ignoring the fact that like attracts like. Simply believing that I deserve a princess will not get me a princess. If that is my hearts desire, than becoming - or at least behaving like a prince, will improve my chances.

So often on here, a member will list all their partners faults which is quickly followed by everyone telling them how they deserve better - but, at least for me, I can't tell if they deserve better hearing only one side. For instance, does everyone deserve someone who won't cheat on them? How about a serial cheater? Does he or she deserve someone who won't cheat on them?

Anyway, if I keep attracting the same type of people, then it probably says more about me than it does about them. This is not meant to be catty - I know you can't hear tone of voice, but I'm hopeful you'll find something helpful in this post.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by yagr

So often on here, a member will list all their partners faults which is quickly followed by everyone telling them how they deserve better - but, at least for me, I can't tell if they deserve better hearing only one side. For instance, does everyone deserve someone who won't cheat on them? How about a serial cheater? Does he or she deserve someone who won't cheat on them?

I think you may be missing the point of Blanche's thread. To me it sounds like she is a stronger more assured and healthy woman having gone through all that bad stuff and drawing conclusions about the kind of men she will not have and behavior she will not tolerate. She is ranting. I do not believe she is asking for reasons these people were in her life.

Anyway, if I keep attracting the same type of people, then it probably says more about me than it does about them. This is not meant to be catty - I know you can't hear tone of voice, but I'm hopeful you'll find something helpful in this post.

To me it sounds like she has come to conclusions about what she wont put up with. I do not think that her experiences mean she is at fault for these men being assholes. If the issues she mentioned are true(and I believe they are) then it says more about THEM than her. She has broken free and knows what she deserves. Aint' Nothin' wrong with that.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Online dating: what a nightmare! Guys who lied about themselves in their online dating profiles. Guys who just wanted to have a penpal but never meet in person. Guys who wanted a phone-a-friend but never meet in person. Guys who were scary abusive types. Guys with serious mental health problems. Guys who just wanted to use me as a floatation device for their bruised egos. Who wanted to control me, hit me, put me down, lie to me, disrespect me, blame me for their behavior. Never again will I pay some website a monthly fee to connect me with men who aren't good guys.

Where is he? Not prince charming. Eww. But Mr. Right. Mr. I-like and respect you and want to compliment your life, not overtake it or try to fix or change you-guy.

I can DEFINITELY relate to this. Online dating isn't what it seems. People lie A LOT on many of those sites, and it's so hard to wade through all the filth. I will be honest and tell you I opened up my wallet a little and invested in Eharmony back in 2010, and met a wonderful guy. It was a LONG gruesome questionnaire, but it saved a lot of heartache and headache instead of being on horrible free sites like Plenty of (Cat)fish and OK Stupid. UGH, what horrible places.

Another thing you can check is MeetUp.com. I met a really nice guy from a Star Trek group in my area before I met my guy on Eharmony. I also joined some Board Game groups that were just good for my overall mental health and helped me be a part of my community and meet new people. Meeting new people helps so much because if someone knows someone they can introduce you too it would be great - guys online GOD they never want to meet and they want to send their "member" pictures all day long. I know the plight, trust me. And as someone who is quickly approaching 40 fast myself, I also know the double standard we face.

By the way, I LOVE Vivien Leigh, and her performance in A Streetcar Named Desire was top-notch.

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

I can DEFINITELY relate to this. Online dating isn't what it seems. People lie A LOT on many of those sites, and it's so hard to wade through all the filth.

By the way, I LOVE Vivien Leigh, and her performance in A Streetcar Named Desire was top-notch.

THANK YOU!!!

Always good to meet another survivor of the online dating world that exists to undermine women and men's self worth and self esteem. I invested 5 years of my money and time and all I got out of it were life lessons and a restraining order. Never. Again.

I only trust people whom I meet face to face. Shortly after I meet them and interact with them, I learn their true motives and can make better decisions about whether or not I want them in my life based on how they treat me. You know, like we did it in the old school days pre-online-dating.

I know online dating works for some people but it didn't work for me.

I ADORE Vivien Leigh as an actress and I love Tennessee William's plays esp. Streetcar.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think you may be missing the point of Blanche's thread. To me it sounds like she is a stronger more assured and healthy woman having gone through all that bad stuff and drawing conclusions about the kind of men she will not have and behavior she will not tolerate. She is ranting. I do not believe she is asking for reasons these people were in her life.

To me it sounds like she has come to conclusions about what she wont put up with. I do not think that her experiences mean she is at fault for these men being assholes. If the issues she mentioned are true(and I believe they are) then it says more about THEM than her. She has broken free and knows what she deserves. Aint' Nothin' wrong with that.

You know me well, sarah!

The whole point of this thread was to rant about the state of affairs of my absent dating life NOW as opposed to to hell I went through for 2 decades and what i learned from it.

It was more a reflection rant about what I've learned after everything I put up with from the wrong men I met and dated, and how I know better now and won't put up with the same shenanigans, abusive behaviors, or downright stupidity.

I have broken free. And, like my favorite gal Vivien Leigh said in Gone With the Wind, "It was better to know the worst than to wonder." And "Hardships make or break people."

I don't have to wonder anymore. I know what types of men to avoid now. I know what I deserve if I ever do date again, and what I will and what I won't put up with from them. I don't need to explain myself. Not in a rant thread.

@StreetcarBlanche

There’s that saying about how you first gotta kiss a lot of frogs.... It’s no fun...

I can only imagine how difficult the dating world is these days. I’m guessing you’ve tried different online dating sites and you’ve probably met guys through introductions by your friends...

I wish I knew the best advice to give but I do believe there’s a good person out there for you. He’s probably just as tired and fed up with dating as you are. Hopefully he hasn’t given up.

I’m sure you are wise now and can see the red flags a mile away. Don’t give up hope. Find hobbies and activities you enjoy and try to keep having fun.

Originally Posted by yagr

The emboldened part is the part that I would like to draw attention to. I have heard both men and women cry, "I deserve better!" while ignoring the fact that like attracts like. Simply believing that I deserve a princess will not get me a princess. If that is my hearts desire, than becoming - or at least behaving like a prince, will improve my chances.

So often on here, a member will list all their partners faults which is quickly followed by everyone telling them how they deserve better - but, at least for me, I can't tell if they deserve better hearing only one side. For instance, does everyone deserve someone who won't cheat on them? How about a serial cheater? Does he or she deserve someone who won't cheat on them?

Anyway, if I keep attracting the same type of people, then it probably says more about me than it does about them. This is not meant to be catty - I know you can't hear tone of voice, but I'm hopeful you'll find something helpful in this post.

Thank you for mansplaining relationships to me, ygar with your prince and princess example. Very patronizing of you.

Mansplaining: When a man explains something to a woman in a patronizing way and it often begins with a man completely disregarding a woman’s opinions by interrupting her mid-sentence.

As sarahsweets pointed out, you completely dismissed (actually) the point of my rant thread about my past dating history. Your response isn't even related to my rant -- it's actually a rant of your own.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

@StreetcarBlanche

There’s that saying about how you first gotta kiss a lot of frogs.... It’s no fun...

I can only imagine how difficult the dating world is these days. I’m guessing you’ve tried different online dating sites and you’ve probably met guys through introductions by your friends...

I wish I knew the best advice to give but I do believe there’s a good person out there for you. He’s probably just as tired and fed up with dating as you are. Hopefully he hasn’t given up.

I’m sure you are wise now and can see the red flags a mile away. Don’t give up hope. Find hobbies and activities you enjoy and try to keep having fun.

Well I'm nearly 50 so my rant thread was meant as a reflection and a desire to share my exasperation over the horrible dating experiences that I've had to go through over the past two decades with men. The positive experiences that I have had dating were nice but fleeting because the men just weren't right for me.

I don't really need dating advice as much as I need to know (rhetorically, I suppose) why some women are lucky and meet "the one" whereas there's gals like me who are constantly bombarded with "frogs" no matter what we do to clearly communicate our standards, boundaries, or expectations to the eligible bachelors who cross our paths.

I mean, short of carrying a resume with me of my dating objective, a professional summary of my relationship successes and bullet point lists from each failed relationship of what I achieved, vs. what I failed at, I am at my wit's end with the way the dating world works now with online dating.

I definitely have hobbies and I definitely attend social group gatherings again but only to get myself back into the social scene. I mean, these female celebrities who dated/are dating younger men give me hope that all is not lost...yet.

But I will not resort to paying a dating website to find 'the one' for me after I gave it 5 years of online dating which yielded nothing good.

[atisketatasket]

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