inviting dad's girlfriend to x-mas

my dad and stepmom got divorced in 05 because he had been cheating on her since 04 with a woman. well him and that woman are still together but my sister holds a grudge like none other! I finally got over mine and went and saw him at thanksgiving. She yelled at me saying that I was making it okay for him to bring her anywhere he wants. I said "i just wanted to see my own father on thanksgiving". it had been 2 years since I had seen him on thanksgiving. And she said "well it's been about 4 for me". its almost like she's making it a contest of who can hold out the longest. And my dad has several health issues and you never known when one of them might take it's toll. Anyways, my sister thinks that me going to thanksgiving made it okay for him to bring her to christmas. I think she wouldnt even want to come to a place where noone likes her and she would just be sitting there but I dont know. My sister is making me feel like a bad person because i wanted to see my dad. I still don't like the woman simply because she makes no effort at all to get to know me. But that doesnt mean Im going to shut her out when her and my dad have been together about 3-4 years now. How am i supposed to talk to my sister about this grudge?

And if you want another example of my sisters grudge holding abilities - she didnt talk to my mom for 2 years. I dont even remember what happened to make her so mad but she didn't talk to my mom for the 2 years that my niece was born and baptized and going to her baptism means a lot to my mom and she purposely didnt invite her. My sister can be very vindictive for a very long time when she is "wronged" and I have no idea what to do about her. Christmas will be in her house so ultimately it's up to her - i just wish she could let go. She threatened me that she wouldn't come to my high school graduation because I lied to her about the guy I was with! I don't get how someone doesn't get exhausted expending that much energy into holding a grudge! I mean, after a while I just gave up because it's too exhausting to hate someone. And cutting her out means cutting my dad out. And I don't get why that's such a problem. We both went through the same things that he did but I got over it because he's my dad. Anyone else dealt with a sibling like this?

I am that sibling and I say let her get on with it you just do as you feel, write her a letter if you wish stating all that you have said to us but if she is like me (for which I am ashamed of) then she will cut you out of her life for a while, there is no answer apart from do what you want because she certainly will.
Sorry.......

((((((((((((( salukigirl ))))))))))))

Blended families are difficult to deal with sometimes. I commend you on keeping cool and doing what you feel you need to do by seeing your dad and his g/f.

Two people can go through exactly the same experience and bring out of it totally different views and feelings. Since you are both different people....I think that makes sense don't you?

Maybe you can find some time during the holiday's to spend with your dad away from your sis's home? If she isn't going to invite them to her home for the holidays, there isn't much you can do about that. It's her home eh?

It sounds like your sis has some anger issues that she's having a tough time dealing with. I'm sorry about that. But it doesn't mean that you have to take on her feelings. You can validate her feelings by saying to her that she has a right to feel whatever she wants, but that you too have a right to feel what you feel. Validating doesn't mean you have to agree with her....just that you give her acceptance of how she feels. Maybe by doing that, she will be able to learn to give you the same in return?

I know it's hard to keep family together when there are rifts. And I'm sorry you are going through this. Just remember that you have every right to see your dad and have a relationship with him, even if your sis doesn't understand why. I wish your sis could let go too.....but she has to be the one to want to make the change.

I agree with you.....it's not worth spending all that energy on being upset and holding grudges. I would much rather spend that energy on good and positive things too!

I wish you and your family well saluki. I hope you can find a balance for yourself through the holidays.


sabby

Unless you are having the Christmas celebration, nothing you do/say can invite your Dad anywhere (other than where you are inviting). If your sister is having the party, you're not in control, she is. Sounds like your sister is confused about who is in "control" of whom and that she wishes she could be in charge of the other adults. As you say, I don't think your dad's girlfriend is going to want to come to such an unwelcoming place.

I would try to talk to your sister about what kind of person she wants to be; a gracious hostess or a "shrew" :-) It's not about what your Dad or Mom or the other adults do or do not do but about what she chooses to do that determine how she will "turn out" as a woman. Holding a grudge is about her issues, not theirs and doesn't hurt them. You have already wisely seen that your dad's girlfriend is not someone you want to know much because she made no effort to get to know you. I think that's wonderful that you at least made the effort to find out.

salukigirl, I think you cannot solve your sister's problems. You can forge/mend your own relationship with your father and his girlfriend. You can choose to see your father's girlfriend or not, or choose just to see your father. You can also choose not to spend your Christmas at your sister's. If she doesn't invite your father to her house, maybe you would rather also not attend and instead have a quiet get-together with your father over the holidays--meet at a restaurant for lunch one day, whatever you are up to. There are lots of options. Do not get sucked in to any sort of grudge or competition your sister is holding. Also, why don't you volunteer to hold Christmas next year at your place and then model how you would like it to be done?

I am in the midst of a divorce right now and my husband cheated on me for quite some time. He is still with his latest girlfriend. If he stays with her, there is going to come a time when she will meet my daughters and perhaps have a relationship with them. So it goes. People get divorced and move on and have different partners. It is hard for the kids to accept that, but their parents aren't going to be hermits the rest of their lives. I don't believe that "the other woman" usually breaks up the marriage. My marriage was bad before the affairs began. The affairs my husband had were a symptom of the bad marriage, not a cause. The best thing for us was to split up, affairs or not. Also, your father's girlfriend may have been keeping her distance from you at his request. He may have been trying to protect you, but to you it appears she was not interested. Who knows. Perhaps you can share the thought with your father that his girlfriend seems uninterested and see what he says. It's all so complicated. Best of luck to you and your sister. Holidays are hard.

thanks everyone.

i guess its just hard watching my sister ruin her own relationships but never realizing that its her own fault. she does the same thing with her husband. flips out over nothing and then blames him while he is the calm one trying to talk about things. just boggles my mind.

i guess i just figure, if its either a) see my dad but have to see her too, or b) not see my dad at all... id rather have my dad back y'know? I just dont get why its not as important to her. maybe he is important to her, but the way she acts doesnt portray that. it seems like her being right, and everyone acknolwedging that shes right comes before anyone's feelings. so shes willing to not speak to her own father over an affair that went on almost 4 years ago.

the worst is being on the outside and witnessing her mess things up with her whole family. she called me one day and told me that she was snooping around her 13 year old daughters room and found a note that said she had a boyfriend. she was so upset that her daughter never told her. and i just said "don't you see what youre doing as maybe the reason she can't trust you with that stuff?" and she just got mad at me. i got my niece a journal last christmas that is programmed to her voice and her password so its locked unless she opens it lol. i told her to use it constantly!

just sucks not being able to talk to her. cause if anyone tells her that maybe she should try letting something go then she cuts off ties with whoever said that. i just dont get it.

I think anyone with siblings has gone through this. Your sister put the guilts on you. The best thing you can do is learn how to protect yourself from accepting people's judgement. The most effective way IMO is with a therapist.

However, I had a mental picture that, "protect yourself. . . most effective way is with a therapist" of a therapist being held in front of one like a living shield :-)

Therapists can be good for helping figure out the "adult" shenanigans that happened when one was a child, as well as the parallel ones happening now. I know I had a heck of a time in therapy because a lot of my "memories" and position points were when I was 5 years old or a young teen or something! Of course I didn't understand what was happening and felt some things were "bad". Looking at one's childhood from an adult perspective with another adult who isn't tangled in it is a lot of help, especially where it concerns parents.

i want a trip to the zoo

i talked to my dad today and he said he would see me on tuesday so Im guessing she still invited him. I guess maybe a couple years ago I would have gone along with her drama sessions but now Im just sick of it. I have too much crap going on to deal with it. I seriously think she gets bored sitting at home with the kids all day (shes a stay at home mom now). Because I swear, ever since she quit her job it has been gossip gossip gossip! She calls me up to tell me something "juicy". So I call the person it's about and almost every time my sister has blown it out of proportion. I think she's been watching too much of that desperate housewives crap.

hmmmm.... i just thought that after i graduated high school this would all be done with. Then i find it still happening in college, at my jobs, in my family. does this crap ever stop? I just want a drama free life!!

I like Perna's image of the therapist as a shield. I think the objective of therapy is to be able to hear the the therapist's words telling you you are ok when you're in one of those situations.

I guess as long as we have to interact with people who love drama, drama will be in our lives. But it becomes easier to recognize and resist being drawn in.

yay! i guess my mom talked to my sister. she said "it has been 4 years. obviously theyre not breaking up any time soon and this isnt just a fling. so do you really want to expend that much energy to be mad? isnt it so much easier and less stressful to just let it go?" and i guess my sister talked to my dad and invited him and his girlfriend to her house for xmas.

we went there today and i saw she was there and was silently waiting for the explosion - but nothing. then when my dad and his girlfriend left, my sister didnt say anything. she never yelled at me, accused me etc... i guess her and mom's talk kinda clued her in on how immature she was acting about the whole situation.

and to top it off, my dads girlfriend actually talked to me. it was weird. i felt a little awkward but she held on conversation with me and bought me a present. so maybe she will start to make an effort now that my sister got off her white horse.

thanks for your guys' help. i guess i just know now that to get anything into her head, my mom has to be the one to say it lol. and i guess my mom also told her "your sister is not the reason this is happening and you dont need to yell at her for it". so she quit blaming me for everything. (for right now). well see how long this transformation lasts.

Oh that's so cool. It sounds like the spirit of Christmas is alive and well. Mom's are good at getting through to their kids - both good and bad. I hope this is the beginning of some maturity on your sister's part.