[rdgrad15]

I find that there is nothing wrong with waiting for people to come to you first in social situations, contrary to popular belief that you must always take the initiative. Some people are able to take the initiative while others, like me, are probably meant to just wait for others. I find from personal experience that taking the initiative just causes people to be annoyed. I rather be seen as someone who others may not want to be friends with but still may like me rather than annoy others and be the one that everyone silently groans about when I arrive in a social situation.

I’ve been asked by other people, both extroverts and even introverts like me that have decided to be brave and interject themselves or take the initiative, about why I don’t socialize more. The reason is because I don’t want to annoy people. For those who are extroverted, they just may be better at initiating conversations. For those who are introverts, they may be brave and succeed, but they may just wind up annoying others.

I’ve had introverted friends in the past like that and even have one now. She is being brave which is good, but her idea is to interject herself into other people’s conversations. She told me that’s the best way to go out and make friends. I don’t see it that way. It can come off as annoying and I can even see some people getting annoyed too. She doesn’t notice it happening. And I’ve seen other people in the past not notice that they are coming off the wrong way. That’s why I play it safe and wait for others to come to me. That doesn’t mean you have to stand in a corner and appear mopey or uninterested.

You can keep to yourself while still appearing approachable. Acknowledge people who walk by and reciprocate when someone approaches to talk. Even if I’m briefly on my phone looking at something unimportant, people still approach so I don’t think phones are a deterrent as long as you’re not on it all the time. Others, like my friend, may find it annoying that I don’t tru to initiate conversations but I honestly don’t see a problem with waiting for others to approach. As long as you make yourself look approachable, people will still talk. They may not try to be friends, but at least they may come to like you.

[bpcyclist]

This is an interesting topic. I think what comes to mind for me is the old saying 'Be true to thine own self.' That's pretty good advice. Be you. Whoever you are. It seems like that is probably the best path to success both professional and personal. For some reason, people seem to be able to tell when we are being other than our authentic selves and it causes discomfort. So just be you. That's the best policy.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

This is an interesting topic. I think what comes to mind for me is the old saying 'Be true to thine own self.' That's pretty good advice. Be you. Whoever you are. It seems like that is probably the best path to success both professional and personal. For some reason, people seem to be able to tell when we are being other than our authentic selves and it causes discomfort. So just be you. That's the best policy.

Totally agree! Even I can tell when someone is not being themselves and it is actually off putting for me. It isn’t genuine. I think people notice it in my friend and even other people who try too hard since they are technically not being themselves. They are going about it the wrong way.

[Blknblu]

Fake it till you make it
Is what my therapists told me,
But/and this seems sick.

[Mendingmysoul]

It is the best to be ourselves in a social situation.I am an introvert too.But can hold a good conversation with a person on various topics.It happened a lot of times that I sit in a corner silently ,then someone approaches and we end up having a long and interesting talk.Then people tell me later that the other person I was chatting with is an arrogant person and hard to communicate with.I am surprised by others opinion of this interesting and knowledgeable person.You Do not have to give importance to other's opinion of you.Just be in your comfort zone.You will surely attract like-minded people in a social situation.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Blknblu

Fake it till you make it
Is what my therapists told me,
But/and this seems sick.

I disagree with your therapist. That is definitely not the way to do it. Yeah you’re right, it does seem sick.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

It is the best to be ourselves in a social situation.I am an introvert too.But can hold a good conversation with a person on various topics.It happened a lot of times that I sit in a corner silently ,then someone approaches and we end up having a long and interesting talk.Then people tell me later that the other person I was chatting with is an arrogant person and hard to communicate with.I am surprised by others opinion of this interesting and knowledgeable person.You Do not have to give importance to other's opinion of you.Just be in your comfort zone.You will surely attract like-minded people in a social situation.

I agree with you. Yes I’m the same way, I wait for people to approach me. Yeah people can be harsh in their opinions.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I find that there is nothing wrong with waiting for people to come to you first in social situations, contrary to popular belief that you must always take the initiative. Some people are able to take the initiative while others, like me, are probably meant to just wait for others.

I’ve been asked by other people, both extroverts and even introverts like me that have decided to be brave and interject themselves or take the initiative, about why I don’t socialize more. The reason is because I don’t want to annoy people.

That’s why I play it safe and wait for others to come to me. That doesn’t mean you have to stand in a corner and appear mopey or uninterested.

You can keep to yourself while still appearing approachable.

Sounds like a bit of a cop out. "I refrain from doing this thing that gives me social anxiety - not because of the social anxiety! - but out of respect to others." Uhuh, sure...

There isn't anything wrong with not wanting to socialize (unless it's causing you numerous personal issues, AvPDers and Schizoids). There also isn't anything wrong with not wanting to be particularly outgoing. But if you want to engage socially with others, to make friends, then you've gotta make an effort. At least a little bit.

I have no doubt that some extrovert will eventually come along and adopt you as a friend. They might even be a very good friend. Or it might be me.

However, and maybe this is only my personal gripe, but it isn't my responsibility to somehow recognize that the wallflower secretly wants a friend, and then to pull them into conversation. If you're not engaging in conversation, I'm going to assume it's because you don't want to engage, and I'll respect your boundaries (more or less).

[sarahsweets]

I think it really depends. No one is required to walk up to people and interject themselves into a conversation. To me that’s kind of insulting if you involve yourself in conversations with people when they are having one and you don’t know them. I suppose that could be looked at differently If you are at like a work party and you need to project that team player look. But there is a way to look available with your body language. I’m very very social. Everyone I meet I usually ask their name. I like asking my local cashier where something is if I can’t find it. I like addressing people by name. But if I’m in a situation where I may only know one person or it’s just my husband and I’m standing on the perimeter of a group I’m not going to butt in. But in situation where I’m at like my husbands Xmas party I’ll try and talk to people while getting food or eating at communal tables. He’s extremely shy and if his party wasn’t like a fancy night out for us he wouldn’t go. He uses me as his buffer. When some big wig who doesn’t even work with my husband comes around to shmoooze with the peons, he likes me there because I’ll do that talking and it will sound good and he will look good. (he works at an Ivy League university and does teledata installation so he feels out of place when these professors attempt to mingle. )

My one friend is a playwright, director and professor of theater in NYC and brought me as a guest to some premier party and I’m standing around meeting people like Fran drecher, Kim cattral, Laura tierney, all these famous people and I’m meeting them. That is when I was very intimidated. I didn’t want to look star struck and you don’t ask for autographs at these things. I just kept a low profile and made nice. I was totally tuned in and in observation mode. I think some of these issues might have to do with feeling inferior or intimidated.

[LilyMop]

I definitely agree with being true to yourself. Just remember people have to be able to get a glimpse of the real you in order to feel comfortable with you. Maybe in social situations you can just smile a small smile or give an authentic complement on occasion so people know you are approachable. That might help you connect with people a little bit better without having to say a whole lot. Also, maybe find light and fun topics of conversation you know you can be comfortable with and stick to those areas when you meet people. I hate it when people ask probing, personal questions so I keep to certain topics and steer away from others.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by theoretical

Sounds like a bit of a cop out. "I refrain from doing this thing that gives me social anxiety - not because of the social anxiety! - but out of respect to others." Uhuh, sure...

There isn't anything wrong with not wanting to socialize (unless it's causing you numerous personal issues, AvPDers and Schizoids). There also isn't anything wrong with not wanting to be particularly outgoing. But if you want to engage socially with others, to make friends, then you've gotta make an effort. At least a little bit.

I have no doubt that some extrovert will eventually come along and adopt you as a friend. They might even be a very good friend. Or it might be me.

However, and maybe this is only my personal gripe, but it isn't my responsibility to somehow recognize that the wallflower secretly wants a friend, and then to pull them into conversation. If you're not engaging in conversation, I'm going to assume it's because you don't want to engage, and I'll respect your boundaries (more or less).

I do agree with you. I don’t expect people to realize I want to be friends or at least talk. But at the same time, I like to be careful. It’s one thing to keep to yourself but still look approachable and just simply outright interject yourself into a conversation that is taking place with people you don’t know.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

No one is required to walk up to people and interject themselves into a conversation. To me that’s kind of insulting if you involve yourself in conversations with people when they are having one and you don’t know them.

It really isn't that clear cut. Sometimes it's appropriate, even encouraged, and sometimes it isn't. You have to be able to read a room.

Have you meandered down the halls of a hotel where a group of people are discussing something that's clearly personal? Then your opinion isn't welcome. Move along.

Are you at a tailgait for your favorite sports team trying to enjoy your bag of Cheetos while a stranger is loudly proclaiming that his team is going to destroy your team? He's literally asking for a confrontation of the friendly rivalry sort, and it would be rude not to indulge him. Throw a Cheeto at him.

These examples are kinda extreme, but you get my point. If you're at a social function, as the original post indicated, it's already expected of you to be social, so it wouldn't be considered rude to chat up strangers unless they were giving obvious signs that they didn't want to be bothered.

Originally Posted by LilyMop

I hate it when people ask probing, personal questions

I do that all the time.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think it really depends. No one is required to walk up to people and interject themselves into a conversation. To me that’s kind of insulting if you involve yourself in conversations with people when they are having one and you don’t know them. I suppose that could be looked at differently If you are at like a work party and you need to project that team player look. But there is a way to look available with your body language. I’m very very social. Everyone I meet I usually ask their name. I like asking my local cashier where something is if I can’t find it. I like addressing people by name. But if I’m in a situation where I may only know one person or it’s just my husband and I’m standing on the perimeter of a group I’m not going to butt in. But in situation where I’m at like my husbands Xmas party I’ll try and talk to people while getting food or eating at communal tables. He’s extremely shy and if his party wasn’t like a fancy night out for us he wouldn’t go. He uses me as his buffer. When some big wig who doesn’t even work with my husband comes around to shmoooze with the peons, he likes me there because I’ll do that talking and it will sound good and he will look good. (he works at an Ivy League university and does teledata installation so he feels out of place when these professors attempt to mingle. )

My one friend is a playwright, director and professor of theater in NYC and brought me as a guest to some premier party and I’m standing around meeting people like Fran drecher, Kim cattral, Laura tierney, all these famous people and I’m meeting them. That is when I was very intimidated. I didn’t want to look star struck and you don’t ask for autographs at these things. I just kept a low profile and made nice. I was totally tuned in and in observation mode. I think some of these issues might have to do with feeling inferior or intimidated.

Totally agree. Yes most people do not like it when someone they don’t know interjects themselves into a conversation that is taking place and they don’t know them. It can be seen as rude and intrusive. The only exception is if the group members invited someone new into the conversation and asked questions. Then that’s okay. And yeah in terms of work related topics, it is more acceptable if it is a work related discussion. In fact, it is somewhat expected in some cases. But other than that, it’s not a good idea to interject. That’s good you’re able to help out, I’m very shy myself too so being with someone else helps.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

It’s one thing to keep to yourself but still look approachable

"Look approachable." What does this look like, exactly?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

I definitely agree with being true to yourself. Just remember people have to be able to get a glimpse of the real you in order to feel comfortable with you. Maybe in social situations you can just smile a small smile or give an authentic complement on occasion so people know you are approachable. That might help you connect with people a little bit better without having to say a whole lot. Also, maybe find light and fun topics of conversation you know you can be comfortable with and stick to those areas when you meet people. I hate it when people ask probing, personal questions so I keep to certain topics and steer away from others.

Yeah that is true. All good ideas of making yourself more approachable without interjecting. I do smile but I can try some of the other ways you mentioned too. I should tell my friend the same thing since she tends to interject herself which somewhat annoys other people. And she isn’t even aware of it which isn’t good. One thing about being an outsider is that you can notice things more than someone else who may be trying to have a conversation.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yeah that is true. All good ideas of making yourself more approachable without interjecting. I do smile but I can try some of the other ways you mentioned too. I should tell my friend the same thing since she tends to interject herself which somewhat annoys other people. And she isn’t even aware of it which isn’t good. One thing about being an outsider is that you can notice things more than someone else who may be trying to have a conversation.

You know what, it sounds like you and your friend are introverts and there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with that. Introverts do tend to listen and notice more. Introverts also tend to seek a deeper level of conversation with others. Introverts usually don’t care for small talk. There are many books you can read about introverts if you enjoy reading. Or maybe you can find some YouTube videos on the subject. Maybe you will find that you can appreciate the qualities of being an introvert plus also seek out other introverts. It’s good if we can love and accept ourselves as we are. I’m sure trying at least but it isn’t easy, I do know that.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

You know what, it sounds like you and your friend are introverts and there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with that. Introverts do tend to listen and notice more. Introverts also tend to seek a deeper level of conversation with others. Introverts usually don’t care for small talk. There are many books you can read about introverts if you enjoy reading. Or maybe you can find some YouTube videos on the subject. Maybe you will find that you can appreciate the qualities of being an introvert plus also seek out other introverts. It’s good if we can love and accept ourselves as we are. I’m sure trying at least but it isn’t easy, I do know that.

Oh yes I agree. Yes we are introverts. Definitely. And I agree, they do tend to notice things more since they observe more. Yeah those are all good ideas.

[Mendingmysoul]

And there is a lot to learn when you silently noticing others.I learned a lot just by observing a group of people. My being introvert does not hurt.Ya sometimes I get ignored by others,they think I am boring sort of.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

And there is a lot to learn when you silently noticing others.I learned a lot just by observing a group of people. My being introvert does not hurt.Ya sometimes I get ignored by others,they think I am boring sort of.

Yeah I agree. There is a lot to learn. Yeah I get ignored too but yeah at least I can notice things that some others may not. In fact most of the extroverts I’ve known both past and present seem to be more oblivious to small details and also are more likely to be hurt and caught off guard by it. There has been times where I’ll notice someone who is an extrovert being mistreated but they won’t notice right away.

Once they noticed, they were obviously and understandably upset. At least with observing, you can decide if a certain person or group of people are even worth trying to open up to in the first place. I’ll admit that has happened to me. At first I will wish to get to know someone or a few people but then later down the road I would find out by how they treat others that they weren’t very nice people to begin with.

[Mendingmysoul]

Well quality over quantity always matters.I would rather prefer a few good and deep friendships over many flaky ones.But some like more numbers.Its personal choice.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Well quality over quantity always matters.I would rather prefer a few good and deep friendships over many flaky ones.But some like more numbers.Its personal choice.

I agree. I rather have a few close friends than a bunch of flaky ones but yeah it is a personal choice.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I find that there is nothing wrong with waiting for people to come to you first in social situations, contrary to popular belief that you must always take the initiative. Some people are able to take the initiative while others, like me, are probably meant to just wait for others. I find from personal experience that taking the initiative just causes people to be annoyed. I rather be seen as someone who others may not want to be friends with but still may like me rather than annoy others and be the one that everyone silently groans about when I arrive in a social situation.

I’ve been asked by other people, both extroverts and even introverts like me that have decided to be brave and interject themselves or take the initiative, about why I don’t socialize more. The reason is because I don’t want to annoy people. For those who are extroverted, they just may be better at initiating conversations. For those who are introverts, they may be brave and succeed, but they may just wind up annoying others.

I’ve had introverted friends in the past like that and even have one now. She is being brave which is good, but her idea is to interject herself into other people’s conversations. She told me that’s the best way to go out and make friends. I don’t see it that way. It can come off as annoying and I can even see some people getting annoyed too. She doesn’t notice it happening. And I’ve seen other people in the past not notice that they are coming off the wrong way. That’s why I play it safe and wait for others to come to me. That doesn’t mean you have to stand in a corner and appear mopey or uninterested.

You can keep to yourself while still appearing approachable. Acknowledge people who walk by and reciprocate when someone approaches to talk. Even if I’m briefly on my phone looking at something unimportant, people still approach so I don’t think phones are a deterrent as long as you’re not on it all the time. Others, like my friend, may find it annoying that I don’t tru to initiate conversations but I honestly don’t see a problem with waiting for others to approach. As long as you make yourself look approachable, people will still talk. They may not try to be friends, but at least they may come to like you.

I think more so than either or, it's more of a situation where act as is appropriate for the situation at hand. Perhaps some people of course tend toward initiating more so than waiting but an all or nothing ideology usually isn't the best approach. There are times when even if you're the type to wait for others to initiate, that it's better to be the one. Same goes for the type that is very open and forward in situations, it's not always ideal to insert yourself into every conversation either, nor does everyone want to say hi and/or talk to you at all.

Do what is best for the situation at hand but in the end, no it's never wrong per se, to be the one that usually waits for the others to start up conversations.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I think more so than either or, it's more of a situation where act as is appropriate for the situation at hand. Perhaps some people of course tend toward initiating more so than waiting but an all or nothing ideology usually isn't the best approach. There are times when even if you're the type to wait for others to initiate, that it's better to be the one. Same goes for the type that is very open and forward in situations, it's not always ideal to insert yourself into every conversation either, nor does everyone want to say hi and/or talk to you at all.

Do what is best for the situation at hand but in the end, no it's never wrong per se, to be the one that usually waits for the others to start up conversations.

Yeah true, I agree. It definitely depends on the situation as well. Sometimes it's best to wait while other times it may be okay to initiate. And yeah in terms of inserting yourself, it is probably not a good idea to do it with people you don't know. It's one thing if you see a group of friends your close to and you join them in their conversation but it's another thing to insert yourself into a conversation with people you don't know as a means of trying to get to know them or make friends. You're right, not everyone will want to talk. Some are more private than others.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Just don't be that introvert who doesn't initiate conversation or contact than the gets in a huff because no one invites you to anything or talks to you. You can make the choice, but as with all choices, you have to learn to live with your choices.

I used to be much more introverted than I am now. I'm still essentially an introvert, but I've become more comfortable conversing with people I don't know very well. It took getting involved in some activities that put me in contact with relative strangers on a regular basis. These are large-group organizations where I am moved around and sitting to different people almost every time we meet. Teaches the art of small talk really fast . . . and some of that initial small talk has developed those relationships into nice friendships over time.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Just don't be that introvert who doesn't initiate conversation or contact than the gets in a huff because no one invites you to anything or talks to you. You can make the choice, but as with all choices, you have to learn to live with your choices.

I used to be much more introverted than I am now. I'm still essentially an introvert, but I've become more comfortable conversing with people I don't know very well. It took getting involved in some activities that put me in contact with relative strangers on a regular basis. These are large-group organizations where I am moved around and sitting to different people almost every time we meet. Teaches the art of small talk really fast . . . and some of that initial small talk has developed those relationships into nice friendships over time.

Oh I agree. Yeah I would never be the person that gets mad at others for not inviting me to stuff if I didn’t put in any effort to appear approachabled make small talk. I’ve actually known people in the past that have done that and it is annoying. Almost like looking for attention. Yeah you’re right, small talk is nice.