[gloria]

So H and I had a conversation. He is aprehensive of today's session with t.
I told him that, since he seemed pretty sincere about getting divorce I felt we still needed to work on our issues to be able to maintain a healthy relationship, even if we were getting divorce because we will continue to be in each other's life because of the kids.
He said he doesn't want to get divorce now (what?). He wants to work things out but doesn't want to spend too much money in t. He asked what issues we had. SO I FINALLY HAD GUTS and addressed one. Well it is a start:
I told him how hard it was for me to express my feeling to him due to fear of his reaction. I explained that, I couldn't just be me and tell him how I felt about anything, how I have to put a lot of thought into the words I use in order to hope to get the message across and also, hope that his reaction will not cause more fear.
Any way, I don't see him too willing to cooperate in t and I want to know what are his issues. I want to know why he wanted to get divorce.
I think what I will say in T is that I want to hear what his issue are, and if he is not prepared to work on them, I am not prepared to continue this marriage.
What do you think?

gab

[beacher27]

I think that your plan is a good one, and one I'm probably going to follow myself. If in therapy he can discuss his own issues and shortcomings and things he needs to work on, then maybe there is a chance. How did he react when you told him about your fear? Did he seem like he understood what he was doing to make you afraid? Funny, lately I feel like I am not sharing anything that I feel or think, that I'm not even me anymore. That must be how you have felt for a long time. I know it's not healthy, good luck in therapy. I'll be thinking of you.

[gloria]

I am so glad somebody repply. Therapy is in about an hour and I don't feel so sure about my idea being a good one.

He reacted kind of dull when I talked about my fear. You see, his cyle is dull(or dead) - angry - explosion - loving - dead - angry -explosion - loving - dead - etc.

He's been in the loving so he's going dead and anger is coming soon.
My fear now, is that he might want to work on his issues, it would surpise me, but what if he does, I really don't want to stay married.

gab
<div class="foot">(Edited by gloria on 08/04/04 02:06 PM.)</div>

[gloria]

Session is over. It was not a good one. I tried very hard to keep myself from crying and I still got watery eyes. I know he is upset. He told me when the session was over that I need to decide what I want for myself, and that this time he's not going to fight for our marriage like he did the last time we almost got divorce.

Anyway, we agreed to come to marriage counseling, but neither one of us was trully sincere about addressing issues. He just kept on saying that he loves me, etc. Never said one reason why he wanted to get a divorce, he just kept on saying he wanted to make me think about what I want.

Sucky session, that is all I can say.

gab

[lifeisgood061690]

ozzie's suggestion is a good one ... write down what your issues are and ask him to do the same ... my husband says he is willing to go to therapy ... it's his effort to keep us together ... i'm not so sure it's going to work but i guess at least he is willing ...hope it's not just prolonging the unavoidable... time will tell ... you explanation of your H "cycle"... that's my H... he is in his loving cycle now then becomes very complacent he's satisfied with mediocracy ... guess i'm not ... anyway good luck with your therapy ... hang in there!

[Sesquix]

Hey Dear Gab,
Hang in there and get all the kinks out you can. It seems like his idea of divorce was to scare you back into the marriage, maybe? I agree also that the list is a good tool. I have used that on many occasions just dealing with choices my hubbie and I have had to make. I do know that I couldn't live like that, not being able to speak your mind. You made a great first step though and hopefully the next ones will come easier. Even proposing the list idea to him for you both to work on one evening would be a great idea. Take good care and may you have superman strength.
Sesquix

[(JD)]

sorry... but how do you feel about the therapist?

[gloria]

I am very angry right now, I am mad at her. But I understand that it is in my court now to make the right moves.

I do not want to write that list, I've done it 100000000 times. Believe, to reach to the point to KNOW I WANT TO get divorce was not easy, I am just very stupid and I cannot put those words out. I am very scare. I want him to be the one. He is not happy either. I know, but for some reason he loves me, who knows, maybe I am his security blanket for all I know. He's not ready to let go. He said he doesn't want to get divorce, he was home early last night. He already called me at work to wish me a good day, he asked me if we can have lunch together ( I don't remember ever having lunch with him).

I am very angry right now, I've lost all the balance I had.

gab

[lalo53]

Tell him to sh** or get off the pot.

[(JD)]

ok. Again, I'm sorry to hear this. When you calm down, you can begin a list... tack it on your refrigerator (if there's room) one item you can put on there is for HIM to quit jerking you around LOL

try to find a different perspective. Maybe you can milk it for all it's worth? Like, if it's a free lunch out, hey, go for it. We've all had meals with toads before... ppl we had to work with, ppl at seminars...

but if it isn't something you want to do, then say NO thankyou. That isn't something I want to do with my time. You have something else planned. You don't have to itemize your time for him. Not at this point. (and later, only if you were decide this would work ah hem!)

You'll find your balance. Breathe.