I can't just date for fun

There's a guy I've gone on 3 dates with. I like him so I asked some questions like would he ever marry again, and if his kids know he's dating. Too soon to answer but basically got a no to both. Now before giving him my heart he was winning, I'm pulling back. Because his kids are adults they should know he's dating. I'm like a big secret, and I don't want to be some fling for him. And put my heart on the line.

I'm a future planner, and I could see a future with him but doesn't sound like he feels the same way. So do I drop him? Or wait and hope he changes his mind?

After three dates his kids don’t need to know he is dating. It’s no one’s business after just three dates. It’s no big deal. I never made announcements after 3 dates. I might change my mind on dating someone after more dates so no reason to inform everyone. Not because it’s a secret but three dates is nothing. If you dated for months then I’d think people need to know. Not few dates

If however someone says they never want to get married again, you need to trust them and not sit around and wait he changed his mind. If you want to be married and he doesn’t, then he isn’t the guy for you

Sloooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Down, you don't know this man.
If you really cannot date comfortable without jumping into an imagined future, try doing things with groups of folks (meet up groups eg) and learn to take your time getting to know people and let them get to know you. He doesn't know you either.

his kids are adults. not 12 yr olds. not a big deal.

and if I walked around and only looked at relationships are marriage potential, well I would be missing out on knowing some great people. why not ask people on the fist date: will you marry me? no, then sorry I have to leave, you won't commit.

I like relationships that develop over time...you learn about each other and eventually decide if it is one that can stand the test of time, maybe you never marry but just stay really close deep friends.

do you place a date limit on getting answers? I mean at 3 you are placing limits already.

3 dates is not enough to be able to see a future with someone. You’re going to scare people away by doing that. It says too much too quickly to the other person. Yes slooowwww down. It takes a lot longer to get to know someone. Give it time and allow room for things to develop naturally.

If he is divorced with grown children, he may not be interested in getting married right away. Also, three dates is not keeping some big secret from his children who are grown. If you are trying to create a future you can be setting yourself up for disappointment in that you may be trying to put him into a role of "your idea of" that he isn't going to fit into. Don't think you need to suddenly give someone else your heart either. It's much healthier to see who this man is. If you have enjoyed the three dates you have had with this man, then see what develops.

I like to be the devils advocate. I think this guy is a bad prospect. There are plenty of men who want a real partner. Why have to bend this into a good shape- yuck.

Are you saying you seem to like this guy more than he likes you? And that he is just dating for fun and you want more? If that's the case, if something in your gut is saying this is the wrong dating fit, listen.

In regards to your questions of whether to drop him or wait and see if he changes...I guess it depends. I don't feel I have enough info to advise, but I've been In situations where it was clear I felt more than the guy, and it was quite soon into it. I waited and wished I hadn't.

I think I ruined what was developing. At first he liked me more than I really started liking him. Like feeling like I love him. We haven't had sex and honestly that can ruin things for me. But I don't want to with him. I just have fun being around him. But I went wacked. Bummed.

Why do you think you ruined it? He doesn’t want another date?

He sent me a text enjoy the holidays and this time of year. Just felt so final. Like don't text me, he doesn't celebrate Christmas. Who knows maybe needs a few days to think. Just doubt I'll hear from him. He talked about this being a slow time of year for his job on our date.

It was nice of him to wish you happy holidays. Why not text him back and say thank you? Also, sometimes a text like that isn't some kind of breakup, instead it could be repecting that it's the holiday and you may have family obligations. It's not like this man is suddenly insisting on taking over your life or even pushing you for sex. He isn't even pushing for you to include him in your holiday either. Have you thought of organizing something you both can do for a date? Even going to see a movie with him?

Aviza, you’re getting way ahead of yourself. 3 dates is not enough time to fall in love. What’s your version of love or do you feel you need someone in your life and that’s why you’re rushing your feelings? It’s dangerous and opens yourself to potential hurt.

I don't feel like I have enough info. It sounds like you may be reading into things or you just haven't provided enough information about your conversations for me to form an opinion.


If it feels final, but aren't sure, ask him where he stands?

I asked he's still interested. He'll give me another chance.

I'm curious, what does that mean? Did you have a conversation? Did he actually say that he'll give you "another chance?" Or is that just your own thoughts on his expression of interest in you?

Give you “another chance”? He said that? You only had three dates. What is he referring to?

My mini emotional breakdown. That kind of scared him away.

Well he said he'd never marry again. That's a problem for me. Looks like he's not the guy. I should end it now. Before getting myself all attached needlessly.

Yeah he doesnt sound very friendly. He sounds judgmental. Nobody is ever good enough for a judgmental person. But its really themself that doesnt measure up. I mean, you need to USE good judgment, but you dont have to be mean about it. If you get a bad vibe from someone, you just say you dont think youre a good match. Your safety comes first, and for that yes you need good judgment.

Hey @Aviza: I think you should focus on yourself. Do you go to therapy? You seem to be rushing into things.

I go to therapy. Lots of therapy. I'm dating and finding men to be judgemental users. I have to guard myself more. Dating has always been hard for me, now it's worse with the judgement.

He isn’t right match. Glad you won’t keep dating him. You’ll find more suitable men. Just don’t rush into anything and leave if they aren’t right like this guy

I remember after being with my future husband for several months (and living with him for a while), we were walking through a forest chatting about this and that. He stated that he thinks husbands and wives should have their own bedrooms in a house. I was like "What?!?!" He gave his silly reason, and I just shook my head in amused disbelief. Then that night, I told him that I would spend the night in the spare room. He was like "No, no, no, no, NO!"

I said, "Well, I thought you liked the idea of separate rooms?" In response, he said he changed his mind. We've been married for over 20 years and never slept in separate rooms.

People just say stuff sometimes, but don't necessarily mean it in stone. Three dates is nothing. Almost nobody falls in love after only three dates, and yes, a person asking about marriage so prematurely would make many people feel uncomfortable and sort of "rebel" and say "No." He might have said the same if you asked him if he wanting to have more children.

It seems like you're already sounding like a difficult girlfriend for him. I suggest you reevaluate your approach to dating, unless you are very desperate to remarry quickly. If the latter is the case, then you might want to search dating sites for men that write "Looking for a potential wife". Believe me that there are some such men out there. However, they may not be what you are ultimately looking for. Or are you? If so, you may want to obtain that info before even the first date. That would spare anyone the restaurant bill.

Well despite my difficulty he loves me and we talked it out. I'm not actually ready to remarry just like having the option. Anyway, we always have a lovely time and thinks were soulmates. I've agreed to see him more and "just enjoy each other" not in a sexual way we haven't done that yet. I feel so good around him, so happy. We disagree on so many things I can't really see this working but it is so far.