Looking for a real and honest answer. No bleeding hearts, please

Affliction, is it too much to ask you how old you and your wife are?

Hello OpenEyes, no it isn't. I'm 46 and she is 38

Tonight was a good meeting. I got to learn a little from the steps as I volunteered to read a paragraph or two of step-2. I listened with as much as I could in myself to everyone's interpretation of it. I'd like to share more but I have to be up in 5hrs....it's not easy..but I didn't binge drink the last two days. Just enough to keep my shakes and withdrawals down. And I say this with all humility...it was hard as hell to hide them during the meeting. I got it all out in the car before I drove home. So that's where I am at. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read all of this and help with what you know. Have a goodnight/morning.

Is there a reason you go to NA instead of AA? It’s similar of course but still...

Hello divine1966...as you guessed it my brain won't stop thinking and I have to get up for work in a couple hours. I started messing around with drugs here and there from 14 and up. Yellowjackets and alcohol makes for a nice substitution at doing the whole upper/downers ...at least in my 20 yr old logic since I've never done heroin. I messed with coke for a couple of years and got out because I really liked it...I mean a lot...like I was saying earlier, Then came crosstops and alcohol. Then I began to trade street for OTC versions mixed with alcohol. I used Tramadol for awhile until a friend of mine told me that it shared the same neural pathway as heroin. So had to work myself down on that one.

At that point I was up to taking 12 tram a day. Then just like I said playing chemist with migraine meds, acetaminophen, and alcohol. I stopped doing that about 5 years ago and just went straight to alcohol and slowly ramping up afterwards. I wasn't trying to be dramatic a couple nights ago..Since I didn't have alcohol...I was at odds at running back to whatever pill layed on the ground to numb myself. I've always traded one thing for the other and never stopped. With lowering my alcohol with intent to stop...my nerves and thinking are running all over the place looking for an excuse to do something else to replace not drinking. I hope this kinda helps divine1966. It's not something I'm particular to talking about but I do see why anyone would ask. Thanks again for all the help and advice

Hey @Affliction: What are you doing for your sobriety? Everything else aside, one partner cannot get sober if the other partner is in active addiction. And if they manage to get sober, the relationship really cant last with one person actively drinking or using and the other person trying to stay sober. I am an alcoholic in recovery. My husband understood that part of the deal was no alcohol in the house. If we go out somewhere or socialize where there is alcohol I am in a place where I can handle it but I do not want it in my face or house. My husband realizes that my sobriety is more important than an occasional cocktail for him and has no issue with this. He really isnt a drinker anyway.

The points @Divine made about functional alcoholics were good, and this link really breaks it down:
What Is a High Functioning Alcoholic? | Know the Signs

Hello miss sarasweets, I've had to detox on my own because I'm the only income in our house. It's almost been 1 week and tonight was the worst. Since posting this I've attended NA meetings. Tonight was the first time I attended/participated in an AA meeting, I read as best as I could a paragraph from step-8 and we went over step-9 and discussed. I told the room what I was going through and it took everything I could to talk without sounding like i was sitting on a paint mixer going full throttle. I went to NA after. Today has been as about as I've felt since starting detox. I went from freezing to hot, really bad shakes to exhaustion. When I went to the meeting building one of the AA members saw I wasn't doing good, I told him what was going on and they were really great with reassuring me. Mind you I understand the whole 1 person drinking vs the other is not. When my wife was around I didn't drink...but I don't know how long it would've last knowing what I'm going through right now.

I would never put her or anyone I love in a situation where it would draw them back in to that situation. Even if it meant I had to stay somewhere else to clean up. I know...I grew up in an alcoholic household and watched my mom deal with my dad. I've been on the receiving end of an alcoholic on a bad day. However ...in my arrogance to not be that I learned (taken from an old game I played) that the longer you spend fighting an evil...the easier it becomes to fall to the very thing you hate and become it. Thank you again for taking the time to help and answer me. The next two days will be the real breaker for me as I'm going to try and stop. My condition as is I cannot go cold turkey...and I found out just a little of the way today/tonight. Thank you again very much. Everyone

Affliction, it sounds like the AA meeting you went to was not quite where you are yet. You should look for beginner's meetings. Often at those meetings they have individuals who are much further along and are available to new comers to be their sponsors.

You do need support, and you also need to take it one day at a time and focus on staying sober each day and taking care of your children and working your job. As far as your wife is concerned, you have to let that go for now and focus on YOUR own effort to get sober, reaching out for support and literally taking it one day at a time and often that includes staying sober an hour at a time in that one day.

Affliction, it's a positive step that you have made it a point to attend some AA meetings. It's a positive step that you have admitted you have a problem and have a desire to actually take steps to do something about it.

Given that you grew up in a home environment that exposed you to an alcoholic, you will have certain emotional challenges you may not be quite aware of as of yet. It is unfortunate that you formed bonds with a woman that also suffers from alcoholism. And you began to use alcohol as a crutch yourself. At this point the only thing you can do is work on yourself and step back as your wife works through her addiction issues. Also, it is probable that you don't quite know how to actually feel "safe" either. Often the main reason for that is when having to live in an environment with an alcoholic, there is no sense of predictability that is actually consistent. That is, just learning that Dad or whomever the alcoholic is has disturbing patterns about them that any child runs and hides from, if not physically, mentally and often by disassociation. From what you have shared, you have codependent tendencies which is often developed when living with a parent that has problems with alcohol/addiction. Often the hardest when it comes to stop the use of alcohol is the psychological addiction a person has developed to using it to "numb" feelings rather than learning how to work through these feelings and even at first identifying these uncomfortable feelings you experience.

This is why THERAPY helps along with attending the AA meetings and being exposed to individuals who can be supportive when you feel like you can't get through a day without that drink of alcohol. SOME individuals actually attend more than one meeting a day to help them just get through that day alcohol free. As each day passes they slowly "learn" how to get through a day sober and the person makes gains on it.

It's best not to convince yourself that weining works, as that means you are still actually active and just prolonging the addiction. If you want the truth without the sugar coating, take the time and research it instead of going along with the thinking that reducing is the answer.

hey @Affliction

Quote:

Originally Posted by Affliction Hello miss sarasweets, I've had to detox on my own because I'm the only income in our house.

Does your job have anything for sick leave or short term disability. Many insurances will cover rehab and they do not need to disclose to your job what the leave is for.

Quote:

It's almost been 1 week and tonight was the worst.

I understand your predicament and I have to say with no disrespect meant detoxing at home is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Alcohol withdrawl is deadly. Its not like heroin or meth where you will feel like crap but live. It can kill you. I detoxed at home and the only thing I believe saved my life was that I happened to be on antiseizure medicine. I was drinking so heavily but you dont have to be a heavy drinker to have a horrible detox. Amy Winehouse died from alcohol withdrawl. Its the only withdrawl that can kill you. It can cause heart palps/possible cardiac issues, seizures, and all the other horrible symptoms you mentioned. I always tell the alcoholics I work with that if they cant do rehab they at least need medical detox. Its only five days but they give you medication that not only saves you but makes the symptoms more mangeable.
Im curious- why NA? Was it because there were no aa meetings that night?

Quote:

I told the room what I was going through and it took everything I could to talk without sounding like i was sitting on a paint mixer going full throttle. I went to NA after. Today has been as about as I've felt since starting detox. I went from freezing to hot, really bad shakes to exhaustion.

I would never put her or anyone I love in a situation where it would draw them back in to that situation. Even if it meant I had to stay somewhere else to clean up. I know...I grew up in an alcoholic household and watched my mom deal with my dad. I've been on the receiving end of an alcoholic on a bad day. However ...in my arrogance to not be that I learned (taken from an old game I played) that the longer you spend fighting an evil...the easier it becomes to fall to the very thing you hate and become it. Thank you again for taking the time to help and answer me. The next two days will be the real breaker for me as I'm going to try and stop. My condition as is I cannot go cold turkey...and I found out just a little of the way today/tonight. Thank you again very much. Everyone[/QUOTE]
Please go to detox. Do not do this alone.

I'm like all 70s/80s military brats...and it progressed...I traded street for otc...and in my detox it's been very not fun in holding myself back from using a tradeoff to the feelings I am getting. I went to the AA at the urge of the older members since they saw what I was going through at the table. I think they just wanted to keep an eye on me as well get me started. I feel more comfortable in NA meetings than AA too. Thank you miss sarahsweets and open eyes...the both of you....I been at 1.5 shots for one week....tonight I'm going to see how well I'll do not drinking..Yesterday was the worst...so we'll see. If I feel something is wrong I'll get on it asap and won't mess around. Thank you both

Hello,
I took a 10 mil lisinopril to control bp when I went to bed last night. woke up shortly afterwards drenched and freezing. I think I sweat good enough from probably having a hot episode that ya..after it stopped I went to the other spectrum. Today wasn't as bad as a couple days ago, little to no dry heaving. Just I could not get any control of my cough.

I thought I got through to day to like a champ...then when I got to my car I realized just how much I hide without showing. I went in to a real bad coughing fit and dry heaved some stuff that I didn't know I could dry heave. It felt like a five minute episode...not fun at all...so scratch the whole made it through day two without a bruise trophy. I'm going to go lay down after a shower and play with kids while we wait for some much needed chinese food.

Then I'm just going to lay down. I've got 2 days that I'm hoping I can work through this. Coughing and freezing fits calmed down but I'm wearing thermals and a sweater in my 73 deg living room. So ya...don't think chills are done yet. Have a good night everyone...here's to happy friday.

Are you smoking/using canibus as well Affliction? I am asking that because I just read an article where canibus use can make a person very ill with vomiting and dehydration.

Hello OpenEyes,
No, I haven't used any rec or med or cbd for over a year. Sorry I didn't get back till now. I literally just laid in bed. Finally gave up and got a bath towel cause I was soaking wet through the worst parts. I still can't shake this cough...but I bought delsum and alka seltzer plus....There is a cold/flu going around...cause my daughter is getting sick. There is just that lucky chance that I got sick around the same time I started this detox and yes since 2/14..i haven't drank at all

If you go from actively drinking and stop cold turkey that can in fact kill you.

Amy whinehouse did this and died

You need professional help to stop drinking

Hello Miss Christina, thanks to you and miss sarahsweets I've taken this road very seriously and have been monitoring myself as much as I can. If I get to a point I can't handle I'll definitely make sure to get ems involved. I tried to work today but that only went so far...I lost the wind in my sails after first break. Went home at noon-thirty...ran a couple errands and laid down for 2 hrs.

I did finally read up on Amy. She died from relapse...she finished off several vodka bottles. ( New investigation finds excess alcohol killed singer Amy Winehouse - CNN )..which I can see the tie in because she was detox-ing herself. Thanks for your advice! I promise to take them to heart

Tried to go back to work for a day and that didn't work out so well so took next two days off. Spent most of today doing laundry and cleaning house with my daughter. Still can't shake cough...going to the Dr. on Tuesday to see what they can find out. So far 1 week and a day, didn't go to any meetings this week 'cause I didn't want to get anyone sick.

My relationship with wife is still the same with more indifference than days where I feel we are connecting or having a connection. Feelings are still the same regarding what is happening that I don't see. Haven't approached her about it and quite honestly I am done having to deal with the emotional hot/cold game. I'm just working on building the part of me that I lost a long time ago...it's not easy and suppressing my emotions until I can face them is at best a spare tire travelling at 65mph.

Once this month is over I'm contacting my insurance company so I can get in with a psych-ologist/iatrist. I don't know if therapist is the direction to go but I am still just trying to get through the forest of where I am with quitting drinking. From what I've read it'll take at least a month from when I stopped for me to at least start going forward. Hope everyone has had a good week/weekend. Take care

Hey Affliction, I haven't commented previously, just finished reading your post, and thought I would check in with you and see how your doing.
You have had some great advice here already, I have a not dissimilar addiction story as yours although it's a different poison.
Keep focusing on yourself and your immediate situation and don't try to look too far ahead.. If one day at a time seems to much, break your day down into smaller portions and focus only on what needs done during those increments.
I found this particularly effective during anxiety attacks.
Practical tips aside, you have a good, indepth perspective., which will only improve and become clearer as you gain your sobriety.
You should be incredibly proud of what your trying to achieve whilst holding down a job and family, and whilst you don't feel like it you are showing a strength that many just can't find.
Keep doing what you are doing, and most importantly remember one mistake does not mean failure or giving up. There are many bumps along the road so keep your head up.
All the best, and take care.

Hello,
Thanks for the hugs Open Eyes, and thank you Dyromii...you are very correct...everyone here has been awesome with advice I needed to hear. I've taken what I can and I am slowly wrapping up my pitty party blanket. One day I'll through it in the attic...promise. I definitely have learned that I can't try to hammer it all in...I'm slowly learning about surrender and working through my understandings of trusting in a higher power. He and I have talked with each other since I was a kid...and like most fathers he's had to hear me cry and ***** about how unfair things were in my life growing up. I just haven't learned to apply yet...only took me 30 years to finally listen. I guess the drugs, alcohol, and my ego kinda made me deaf to it. I definitely must start with my anxiety attacks, our kids need to see me handle and fix not panic and run in to walls. Thanks for the compliment too... I don't consider myself proud..I shoulda done this a decade ago...when things happen that put our family in my hands to manage...and I ran to alcohol instead of managing myself...it took some humbling to do it sober....before I was just applying myself mechanically like it was my job not my family and using alcohol as my escape time.
I promise...I'm not downtalking your praise...but I'm looking forward to properly earning what you have given me. So ...meetings this Thurs & Friday...Sponsor...and learning steps!

Hey @Affliction I think you are doing amazing. I am really proud of you even though I dont know you irl. You are embracing the process and keeping an open mind which is half the battle. Keep your chin up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Affliction Hello, Thanks for the hugs Open Eyes, and thank you Dyromii...you are very correct...everyone here has been awesome with advice I needed to hear. I've taken what I can and I am slowly wrapping up my pitty party blanket. One day I'll through it in the attic...promise. I definitely have learned that I can't try to hammer it all in...I'm slowly learning about surrender and working through my understandings of trusting in a higher power. He and I have talked with each other since I was a kid...and like most fathers he's had to hear me cry and ***** about how unfair things were in my life growing up. I just haven't learned to apply yet...only took me 30 years to finally listen. I guess the drugs, alcohol, and my ego kinda made me deaf to it. I definitely must start with my anxiety attacks, our kids need to see me handle and fix not panic and run in to walls. Thanks for the compliment too... I don't consider myself proud..I shoulda done this a decade ago...when things happen that put our family in my hands to manage...and I ran to alcohol instead of managing myself...it took some humbling to do it sober....before I was just applying myself mechanically like it was my job not my family and using alcohol as my escape time. I promise...I'm not downtalking your praise...but I'm looking forward to properly earning what you have given me. So ...meetings this Thurs & Friday...Sponsor...and learning steps!

Just checking in to see how you are doing and how the last couple of days have been.

Hello,
Thanks miss sarahsweets! I will be sure to earn the advice and time you've given to me. Hello to you too Dyromii. This was my first week back at work and meetings since getting a flu bug/going clean last week. As of now I'm 2 weeks clean. Work wasn't fun especially after being out of commish last week...got a little pale but a friend helped keep an eye on me. Went to my meetings tonight and discovered a my higher power at work. Because of frustrations in my life. I had a talk with HIM asking for help in hearing his voice because throughout my time and clouded thoughts I have forgotten/lost the ability to hear his advice. At tonight's book study funny enough...the topic was Prayers & meditation. SO ...I guess he heard me and threw me that to let me know my prayer didn't fall on deaf ears. I can't wait to start learning the steps...I got a couple numbers for possible sponsors so I'll wait for day off to get the courage to call. Social butterfly is not my strong suit so I'll be leaving my comfort zone for this. Thanks to you both!

Ok...one thing that sux is this insomnia...especially if I had a particularly stressful issue with my personal life...Already 0106hrs and I have to get up for work in 4hrs....blech...I need something to exhaust my mind....like...meditation....or a high powered mallet to the noggin.

When a person is used to using alcohol so they don't have to deal with their emotional challenges, no longer using to avoid means now you have to finally learn how. This is why individuals that are working on being sober and staying sober are told not to engage in relationships for about a year. This is what your wife is going through, part of why she has distanced from you while she is in detox and getting sober.

There is the physical dependence which you have clearly been challenged with, and then there is the psychological dependence that takes longer to work on. This means you will genuinely be learning how to take things literally one day at a time. This is what your wife is working on and it IS challenging. Yes, there is often a time to adjust to learning how to sleep without the alcohol that sedated you.

You may also need to be tested for sleep issues, it may be that you experience sleep apnea.