Is there an age?

mandy, often I've heard the story of two sons of an alchoholic father, one grew up to drink and the other not, when asked why they both had the same reply...because I saw my father drink! being an adult is about living your life for you and making decisions that are in your best interest and the interests of those you care for. This is a situation that has troubled you for sometime and I understand you may feel powerless to stop it. I pray that your sons will learn the lesson of what happens when you abuse alchohol by watching your husband...even at the expense of the lost respect. God bless you..

thank you for your kind reply.
It IS amazing how a same situation can affect two people in differing ways....... makes it hard to know which way my sons will go......

I'm having a real tough time at the moment. sometimes it bothers me much more than others....... this past weekend(was a bad one) has been one of those "bothers me" times.

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This is a situation that has troubled you for sometime and I understand you may feel powerless to stop it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes, the feeling "powerless" is the one "kicking my behind".

feel like a flower that's wilting.........

mandy

mandy, they say that prayer changes things, I believe it too! we may feel overwhelmed or powerless, but HE is not!

You can't protect your children from it. They know Dad is this way and are expressing their disappointment. The fact is that they now feel that they have to protect you because you haven't change the situation. I'm sure it breaks their hearts to realize that their mother lives with this all the time. No child wants to watch the parent get left behind with these problems while their life moves forward.
You have a lot of decisions to make. Try to support each other. And get help for your husband.
Much Blessings
Ocean

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The fact is that they now feel that they have to protect you because you haven't change the situation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You know, I've been just recently noticing this in them. They ask me with such concern-- how *I'm* doing... when I think they shouldn't be wondering that at their age.
wow- How did you know they were like that? you are quite insightful!

However, this makes me feel even more guilty.... man, is that pathetic?? I don't know...... it all is confusing and just makes me feel so very bad all around.

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You have a lot of decisions to make.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> yea, ugh..... I know. am also so scared........

thank you for replying..... I wish I could have all of you guys in my home with me when I get to shaking about this all......

thank you-- everyone.

mandy

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mandyfins said:
They ask me with such concern-- how *I'm* doing... when I think they shouldn't be wondering that at their age.
However, this makes me feel even more guilty.... man, is that pathetic?? I don't know...... it all is confusing and just makes me feel so very bad all around.

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Mandy.....instead of feeling guilty....find your pride in knowing that you raised two wonderful sons who are empathetic and care for you, their mom.

Regardless of their age and where they are in life at the moment, the three of you can lean on each other for support. They are becoming young men and for them to learn how to be supportive a woman in difficult times is a wonderful thing even if the situation is less than perfect.

Mandy dear, leaning on the 2 boys that you have raised is not necessarily a bad thing. Granted there are things that are between you and your husband and don't need to be shared with your sons, but there are still things you can all bond and support on.


sabby

Mandifins, your husband just traded one addiction for another; "work-a-holic" to "alco-holic." I suggest you go to some Alanon meetings for further insight and help.

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mandyfins said:
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The fact is that they now feel that they have to protect you because you haven't change the situation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You know, I've been just recently noticing this in them. They ask me with such concern-- how *I'm* doing... when I think they shouldn't be wondering that at their age.
wow- How did you know they were like that? you are quite insightful!
>>> Been there. Dad was an abusive alcoholic.Mom gave him a choice "US" or the "ALCOHOL". We were lucky, he chose "US". But this kind of decision isn't always so easy. Especially, for you who's living with it daily. I know how your kids are feeling because I saw the abuse my father could inflict when drunk. I was very young but I never forgot. As a child I looked at my mother wondering why she is still letting it continue? I was too young to understand.

Your kids are concerned for your welfare. You're their mother. They know how hard it is. They may be afraid to tell you how they really feel. But if/when you make a decision about your future I'm sure they'll be there for you. To help you adjust to the changes.

My mother had me young. She was never alone until Dad died and I moved out. When she first started dating I was spooked. The man she chose..was an alcoholic. I knew it from the day I met him. Didn't like him. Beg her to get away from him. She did..just in time..he showed his temper once(not on my mother, thank god!). She began dating another man, he was a previous drug addict and alcoholic...Lord, I wanted to cry....He's clean...but it makes me nervous. But all has been well. No problems. They are happy. WHEW! >>>>

However, this makes me feel even more guilty.... man, is that pathetic?? I don't know...... it all is confusing and just makes me feel so very bad all around.

>> You are not pathetic. You love him. There's nothing wrong with loving him. It's just the alcohol and the changes in him that you don't love. But you are supporting it. Not because you want to. You've been conditioned over time to just accept it as it is. Do you think you and he could attend any support groups? Would he go? Or can you go alone? You need to have a place you can feel safe and vent openly. Find your way and not have to feel alone. There are so many other people going through this too. Reach out. >>>>

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You have a lot of decisions to make.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> yea, ugh..... I know. am also so scared........

thank you for replying..... I wish I could have all of you guys in my home with me when I get to shaking about this all......

thank you-- everyone.

mandy

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>>> {{{{HUGS}}}} MANDY !!
You've been strong for a long time. Reaching out is the best thing you can do. I hope he doesn't use the computer often and see your private thoughts. Be Careful. Find a support group. And please email me anytime.
Make 2008 your year!!
Blessings & Prayers
Ocean13

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find your pride in knowing that you raised two wonderful sons who are empathetic and care for you, their mom.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> hmmmm..... I've not thought of that. Thank you Sabby.

The "leaning" though, on someone else, phew- that's a tough one for me..... me posting this is HUGE(so difficult) as I keep everything to myself-- but in person!-- Oh, that would be so so hard to "lean". (we need a "terrified" smilie-- it would go *here*)

thank you again Sabby-

mandy

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your husband just traded one addiction for another; "work-a-holic" to "alco-holic."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> *sigh*, I have pondered that ........ yes, I think that is what has happened......

I was so sad and felt "second" to his job(when he worked 70 hours a week)- huh, little did I know that it could get worse, as his alcohol drinking affects more things in a negative way- than the working too much did.

Sometimes I feel like I'm one of those that can't be content with what they have-- ya know? like, why did I want his "over-working" to change-- why couldn't I have just been OK with that? now it's a worse situation.....

thank you for your reply SeptemberMorn-

mandy

Thank you Ocean, you've been so kind.

I find it hard to grasp, how there's been so many nice people here replying to me.
I don't know what I'd do without this-- thank you all.

I've recently started therapy and hope to get going in a better direction...... it's so very hard. I spoke up to husband about his drinking the other day and he got angry and commented that he didn't think this "therapy stuff" I'm doing is helping. but I intend to trudge on..........

thank you all, you're all- in my heart.

mandy

Ahhh mandy...you are most welcome! Isn't it hard at times to find the positive.

I understand hon that you are the fixer, the doer, the protector, the nurse, the everything. I too am the same way in life. I struggle everyday to let myself go and be able to lean on someone IRL. I don't seem to have a problem here online as much. It's very difficult to play the role reversal.

You have stepped out of your comfort zone to post here with this particular issue in your life. I'm very proud of you for going through with this. I think you are doing a wonderful job of expressing yourself. I also think that it's about time you learned that someone else in your life is willing to be YOUR protector and YOUR support. Even though it is uncomfortable, inside, we need to know and feel that we have someone in our corner

Love to you!

sabby