[MsLady]

Where do you draw the line or find acceptable when it comes to your significant other looking at other men/women in public?

We are surrounded by beautiful people every day. It's human nature to be drawn to beauty.. people, objects, art, music..

What crosses the line for you?

[TishaBuv]

Looking can’t be helped, but it must be so subtle that the eyes don’t follow and the head doesn’t turn. Usually comments would be unacceptable too. After many years of marriage, sometimes comments are made jokingly when someone is over the top and we are people watching, or I may give a beautiful woman a compliment. Woman to woman is okay, but if he said it, I’d probably feel hurt. He’d get jealous if I commented about a man being attractive, too.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Looking can’t be helped, but it must be so subtle that the eyes don’t follow and the head doesn’t turn. Usually comments would be unacceptable too. After many years of marriage, sometimes comments are made jokingly when someone is over the top and we are people watching, or I may give a beautiful woman a compliment. Woman to woman is okay, but if he said it, I’d probably feel hurt. He’d get jealous if I commented about a man being attractive, too.

How do you feel about having innocent crushes outside of the relationship that is, and will never be, a threat to the relationship? Do you think it's common in healthy relationships?

[Crazy Hitch]

Can’t stop a side glance. Drooling is out of bounds lol.

[SorryShaped]

It doesn't bother me if I'm with someone and she looks or even makes comments. But, if she gets up and wanders over after making comments, she might need to be asking for a ride home.

[ARaven0137]

I think a curious or appreciative glance is fine. Ogling...not so much.

On innocent crushes, I think it depends. Many of us have our innocent celebrity crush that will never happen, but we love to swoon. I think that's harmless as long at it has no negative effect on the main relationship. If one spends all of their time drooling over Brad Pitt or Zac Efron, that could be bad.

Beyond that, one should be careful of emotional affairs with other people that one actually has contact with. I can say that from experience...

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MsLady

How do you feel about having innocent crushes outside of the relationship that is, and will never be, a threat to the relationship? Do you think it's common in healthy relationships?

If you have a crush, you don’t let your partner, or anyone, know. My husband has even been a little jealous when I said I thought certain actors were handsome and had a crush. He’s mentioned crushes he had on actresses, and I wasn’t jealous. I know it’s just a far away crush on someone he will never really meet, and neither of us were obsessed.

What makes a crush ‘innocent’? You would never act on it? Are you flirting with this person? That’s not so innocent. That’s trending into emotional affair territory.

[divine1966]

Not I don’t think it’s common in healthy relationships. I believe having crushes happens in relationships were people aren’t content so they seek satisfaction elsewhere, could be innocent crush or something more. I can’t imagine crushes in healthy relationships.

Neither my husband nor I are interested in anyone else but if we watch tv we both might notice that the actor or actress are good looking. We aren’t blind. Same way we’d notice if the cat is cute or flower is pretty. Not like we have particular desire for someone.

Neither one of us is flirty with people. When we out and about I tend not focusing on what’s around me, I am a little hyper, while my husband does look around but it’s because of his safety OCD. He is checking exit signs and doors configurations and if anyone looks suspicious etc lol not checking women out. That’s a non issue for us. Saying that, of course we both talk to all kind of people, coworkers or family friends of both genders. But there is nothing inappropriate going on

But I dated men who looked at other women a bit much yet were jealous if I even turned my head or talked to someone. Not healthy. Needless to say I am not married to those men.

[AzulOscuro]

Thinking of another person in a romantic way is for me a clear sign that we are distracted and our relationship is not going very well.
Of course, I don’t like my partner when I’m with him look excessively other women and he doesn’t do it, I would take it as a lack of respect.
Look but without obsessions.
Then, I see other guys look at me or my partner pays the attention that they are looking at me and I feel bad for their partners.
But, as I said before, look a little is impossible to avoid but as soon as you have your partner with you, you know what it might worth and where you have to put your attention.

[AzulOscuro]

I’m wondering if we are or not monogamic by nature.

[MsLady]

Personally, I think we're all drawn to beauty. There was this baby test done, years back, and it was concluded that babies spend longer periods of time looking at beautiful faces, and smiling, than at faces that were more asymmetrical.. stating that beauty has definite impact on our behaviours.

So, at what point is it seen as disrespectful.. either to the attractive person or the partner we're with?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by MsLady

Personally, I think we're all drawn to beauty. There was this baby test done, years back, and it was concluded that babies spend longer periods of time looking at beautiful faces, and smiling, than at faces that were more asymmetrical.. stating that beauty has definite impact on our behaviours.

So, at what point is it seen as disrespectful.. either to the attractive person or the partner we're with?

Staring, not just look in passing. Repeatedly making comments rather than occasional comment here and there. Using particular vocabulary like one thing is to say: “she is nice looking”, but a bit over the top would be “she is so hot oh my look at this gorgeous figure” lol

[TishaBuv]

In front of your romantic interest, it’s disrespectful to look beyond a quick notice as though anyone passed by. (Unless the couple is into that sort of thing)

I’ve noticed all people I’ve been with, my partners, my friends and their partners, just observing other couples— those eyes don’t move! Lol

(But Matt Lauer once totally stared at my boobs in a low cut blouse! )

[Have Hope]

I think it is so individual where that line exists. Some people it does not bother, and on the opposite end, a glance can inspire extreme jealousy and insecurity. So to me, this all depends on the person, who they are, how secure they feel, and whether they can accept a glance or a look or not. I know I'm not answering your question directly, but that's my answer.

[MsLady]

What would you say is appropriate when talking to your partner? Do you think it's ok for him/her to make comments to you about your sexual parts? Do you take it as a compliment or do you find it inappropriate to have them talk about your body parts at random times?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MsLady

What would you say is appropriate when talking to your partner? Do you think it's ok for him/her to make comments to you about your sexual parts? Do you take it as a compliment or do you find it inappropriate to have them talk about your body parts at random times?

I think when two partners are intimate and have emotional intimacy, then talking about body parts sexually - and even at random - is a natural part of that intimacy. I don't have issues with it myself. To me, it says they're attracted to you.

But if it's a constant - like constant sexual objectification of a person - and that is all there is in the relationship is a sexual attraction - that will reveal itself and may become uncomfortable if one person wants more or if one person wants the emotional intimacy too.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by MsLady

What would you say is appropriate when talking to your partner? Do you think it's ok for him/her to make comments to you about your sexual parts? Do you take it as a compliment or do you find it inappropriate to have them talk about your body parts at random times?

What kind of comments? Like you are eating dinner and he says I like your ....? That’s bizarre. Or is it in a different context? How random and how often is it?

What’s appropriate is what YOU as a couple or you as an individual find appropriate. It’s very subjective. If your partner does or says something that you personally find annoying and inappropriate, then you have to tell him and he has to stop. If he doesn’t stop then it’s a problem

I’d like to be helpful with specific situations that would bother me but some of your scenarios are really vague. Do you have a specific example? I feel that your partner does a lot of things that you find bothersome and you want to know if we find it bothersome. I would be bothered going by some scenarios you described, but it depends on a context.

We all have different deal breakers. Things i’d not put up with are perfectly normal for others. What’s important what bothers you

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

What kind of comments? Like you are eating dinner and he says I like your ....? That’s bizarre. Or is it in a different context? How random and how often is it?

What’s appropriate is what YOU as a couple or you as an individual find appropriate. It’s very subjective. If your partner does or says something that you personally find annoying and inappropriate, then you have to tell him and he has to stop. If he doesn’t stop then it’s a problem

I’d like to be helpful with specific situations that would bother me but some of your scenarios are really vague. Do you have a specific example? I feel that your partner does a lot of things that you find bothersome and you want to know if we find it bothersome. I would be bothered going by some scenarios you described, but it depends on a context.

We all have different deal breakers. Things i’d not put up with are perfectly normal for others. What’s important what bothers you

Well said!!!

[MsLady]

I wasn't initially looking for help as much as I was looking for other people's experiences and comfort levels.. the whys and why nots.

A lot of my discomforts come from history of distrust in people who have proven to be untrustworthy. I've had a lot of toxic people in my life (family, friends, partners) so I really don't know what's considered "socially appropriate" .. vs me being "overly guarded" due to my own negative experiences.

I'm trying to assess how much of me is needing to heal and how much of the other person is needing more awareness.

I know it's healthy for couples to flirt with one another, to be sexually involved, and to give compliments to one another. I also think "in context" is important.

I'm with a partner who has very poor boundaries, is highly impulsive, and often thinks of his own needs first. Pair him up with someone like me, who's been betrayed on so many levels.. we end up in a toxic dance without any music.

I get I need to feel comfortable and shouldn't accept anything less. I'm so closed off right now.. I don't want to be for the rest of my life.

Some examples lately (in front of our daughters):

* Compliments on my cleavage
* Telling me I look great in jeans, using a sexual tone
* Complimenting certain shirts I'm wearing that are more fitted.. etc

Are these compliments? They make me uncomfortable. Is it because it's become a trust issue (and I see how he watches other women sexually) .. or am I just uncomfortable and needing to relax and take a compliment?

It is random.. during a family walk, as I'm preparing dinner, as we're sitting on the couch as a family..

I recently mentioned to him that he doesn't make me feel like he's attracted to me (based on his behaviours towards other women and our lack of intimacy) so now he's doing this. Maybe he's trying and I just don't trust him yet.. or maybe it's perversion on his part or something else..?

[Have Hope]

No -- it's not because of a trust issue on your part. In front of your daughters, these comments are completely inappropriate. Also trust your own gut reactions. IF it feels uncomfortable for you, then you are not comfortable with it, period. And something feels off. Maybe this guy objectifies women too much, and you're picking. up on that.

But like Divine said, it is highly individual and subjective, so what is most important and what matters is how YOU feel.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Maybe this guy objectifies women too much, and you're picking. up on that.

This has definitely crossed my mind. I've had talks with him about our 3 year old, as well. She's very attractive to many (long golden curly locks, blue eyes, beautiful smile) and she is forever getting compliments. I've had to curb it, myself. Dad still compliments her on her hair, her outfit, etc. I've had to tell him to stop taking soooooo many photos of her over everything and anything.

As I've said already, we're all drawn towards beauty. At what point does it become unhealthy and damaging?

[TishaBuv]

I agree, whatever both in a relationship agree upon is what goes, but yours has inappropriate red flags.

His objectifying comments in front of your daughters are definitely inappropriate.

In my experience, my mother dressed very attractively and pretty sexy from as long as I can remember. But I never remember my father or step father making any remarks that were uncomfortable. Maybe my step dad would say something like “Oh baby!” In a flirty way and it was complementary, also I was in my teens.

The same thing with me getting dressed up and raising boys. I wore some fancy outfits, but I am a little ashamed to say I ventured out in some really sexy ones. However, my husband didn’t make any comments, nobody did. We just scooted out the door. Well, those days are over and we had fun while they lasted...

I think your husband is being disrespectful checking out other women and inappropriate by objectifying you in front of your girls. It sounds like there are some bigger issues there.

All you can do is speak up and tell him how you want to be treated. Hopefully he can change. I’m sure you are far from alone in having this issue.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MsLady

This has definitely crossed my mind. I've had talks with him about our 3 year old, as well. She's very attractive to many (long golden curly locks, blue eyes, beautiful smile) and she is forever getting compliments. I've had to curb it, myself. Dad still compliments her on her hair, her outfit, etc. I've had to tell him to stop taking soooooo many photos of her over everything and anything.

As I've said already, we're all drawn towards beauty. At what point does it become unhealthy and damaging?

I’m detecting another red flag with your three year old. Listen to your instincts and protect yours daughters.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I think your husband is being disrespectful checking out other women and inappropriate by objectifying you in front of your girls. It sounds like there are some bigger issues there.

All you can do is speak up and tell him how you want to be treated. Hopefully he can change. I’m sure you are far from alone in having this issue.

You will not catch me in a sexy dress, ever. I don't typically sport a cleavage, either. A sweater I was wearing showed some. I'm a "nice shirt" and jeans kinda girl. I've never dressed provocatively.. just never felt inclined to. So the compliments I do get is when I'm by chance wearing something more fitting.. a newer top, skinny jeans..

I do think he judges women by their sexual parts. A couple times in the distant past, he'd be rude to a young waitress who was flat chested and wearing a fitted shirt. "Rude" as in, he'd look at her shirt as if she shouldn't have been wearing it.. by avoiding eye-contact.. by barking his order like she was beneath him. I find this behaviour strange because he's not a "boob" man but treated them like that, anyway.
I did address this with him and he claimed to not being aware of it at all.

As far as being around the girls, sometimes he's trying to be discreet but as I've told him before, he does NOT have a whisper voice. People can hear him.. our girls can, too. Other times he's impulsive and doesn't even consider that speaking in sexual ways, even minimally, is inappropriate for our daughters to hear. Same with talking about the local drug addicts and the specific drug they're on.. or using the expression, "pulled the trigger" when expressing something that has nothing to do with a gun. Am I being critical?

[divine1966]

I’d not appreciate such comments especially in front of your kids and with sexual connotations and not in private intimate situations.

Can you tell him to stop?

Why is he complimenting a 3 year old on her looks? It would much better if he said how nicely she drew a picture or how well she knows her ABCs. I feel that your guy focuses too much on sexual things in women and their looks. Yours and everyone else’s. Was he raised that way?