[Hugh Mungus]

I've been really struggling the last few days, i feel like i haven't got anhbody i can trust to talk this out with.

I've (22M) been with my girlfriend (24F) whom i love dearly for a little over a year now, she's practically my dream woman but events from her past really bug me because frankly i find them disgusting and unnattractive to me. When i think of her doing these things, i can't help but get upset because they are things that i can't believe she would do. That any rational self respecting person would do... I don't know if i can trust her purely because she has made such poor descisions in her past, and it makes me really uncomfortable to think of her in such a bad light. I have a lot of conflict in my heart because I've really fallen in love with her but after all this time the things she did still bother me, I'm not sure if i should continue dating her for these reasons...

Possible trigger:

All the promiscuity in university, sleeping around with random guys. She worked as a shot girl in a strip club wearing basically nothing when she was only like 20 years old. She has sent nudes to complete strangers as collateral for job that was less thsn legal. As a young kid she let her family friend (also a young kid, but teenage age) touch her innapropriately.

I feel like she has changed since meeting and falling in love with me, but i still don't know how to come to peace with some of the self nullifying things she's done, before i even met her. How do i squash my inner conflict and accept who she was, and who she is now? I really don't know if i can come to peace with some of these things as they go against my beliefs of what i want in a woman. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I want the images in my head to go away...

[Bill3]

It sounds like your relationship with her is going well and there are no major problems (except for your thoughts and images about her past). That is, it sounds like you love and value her for who she is now. Yes?

[Open Eyes]

Hi Hugh, considering what you shared, I would be concerned too. It seems like this girl lacks boundaries. And when a person lacks boundaries they may not have the ability to respect your boundaries. That's probably what concerns you the most with this challenge.

That being said, people do have life challenges and learn from them too. No one can change their past, most of us learn and grow as we navigate through our lives. It's possible this girl has learned and grown as a person, she can't change her past, but it's possible she has gotten help and is a better and wiser individual.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Hugh Mungus: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I want to start out by saying I've been married for almost 40 years! (My wife's accomplishment, not mine.) And I'll tell you it takes an ocean liner's worth of caring, forgiveness, compassion, & just plain stubbornness to keep a romantic relationship going for that long.

From my perspective what's in the past is in the past. You simply have to let it go. You weren't there when your gf did what she did nor were you a part of it. It simply no longer exists. To some extent it's really none of your business really. What's relevant is who this young woman is today & who will she be in the future. And, of course, there are no guarantees.

It does sound as though your gf may have some mental health issues. And so perhaps the question is what is she doing to address her issues & ensure she won't slip back into old habits as time passes. If she's not doing anything, & is not willing to do anything, that is a bad sign to my way of thinking. I would think what might be appropriate would be for her to be receiving some sort of mental health therapy herself &, at some point, for the two of you to engage in some couples counseling. Plus, considering your own level of uncertainty regarding your relationship with this woman, perhaps some mental health therapy services for yourself might be a good idea to help you sort your feelings for her as well as your fears.

You asked how you "squash" your inner conflict & accept who your gf was. My personal opinion is you cannot. There simply is no way to squash feelings. If you cannot put them to rest on your own (& clearly you cannot) the only realistic alternative I know of is to talk them through at-length & in-depth over a period of time with the help of a skilled mental health professional. Perhaps in the end the two of you will decide you were meant to be together. Perhaps not. But at least you will have given it your best shot, so to speak, & gone on with your relationship with your eyes open. That's about all any of us can do. The future is never guaranteed.

Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that I think bears some relevance to your situation. The details are different because the article deals with second marriages. But I think the insight the author offers is apropos:

Don't Ask Your Partner to Erase the Past

My best wishes to you both. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Nammu]

She's not your property you have no ownership of her. Her past is her past. The only problem here is your thoughts. If that's the way you think you'd better let her go.

[lizardlady]

Has anyone considered that all her subsequent behavior stems from being sexually abused by her cousin when she was a child? It disturbs me that the OP used the word "let" in relation to an older youth touching her.

I agree with others. Her past is her past. What matters is who she is now.

[Open Eyes]

I don't see where it says her cousin sexaually abused her Liz. Some young girls do let friends of the family touch them. Idk, she sent nude photos of herself to strangers?

Idk, I can't tell him he doesn't have a right to be concerned about what he shared.

[divine1966]

Did I read it correctly?

As a young child she was inappropriately touched by a teen and you consider that she “let” that happen. She wasn’t in age of consent to “let” anything happen. So if someone molests or takes advantage of a child sexually, it’s ok because child “let” that happened? Or is it ok and no big deal because molester was a family member? I can’t wrap my mind around this. Children can’t give informed consent re inappropriate touch.

In addition that’s mind boggling that you hold it against her.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Has anyone considered that all her subsequent behavior stems from being sexually abused by her cousin when she was a child? It disturbs me that the OP used the word "let" in relation to an older youth touching her.

I agree with others. Her past is her past. What matters is who she is now.

Yes. Entirely possible. Lots of research links sexual molestation at young age to subsequent questionable behaviors in adulthood.

[~Christina]

Honestly I'm sorry she was open and shared her past with you. Everyone has a past..

You either love completely or please end this and let her go find someone who will love her fully.

The bit about her cousin? That's childhood sexual abuse.

[Open Eyes]

I understand where some member's thoughts are going with this. Yes, sometimes this behavior does stem from abuse. I don't see him saying a cousin molested her. What IF he is sharing exactly how this GF is explaining it. What IF she told him what he shared "I let a family friend touch me and I liked it".

Not all promiscuous girls were molested, some just like the attention and power they get from it. I ran into this when I was younger, met girls that were just too into things and they just really liked the attention. I had a room mate like that, it got so I needed to distance from her due to guys thinking I was like that when I wasnt.

It's not black and white X doesn't always happen because of the Y factor.

Some girls have addictive behaviors and they even use sex to avoid anxiety and even lonliness. Sometimes, it's due not to abuse but lack of love and attention when they were younger from their parents. They find that lots of sex means lots of attention. Someone wants them, someone is paying attention to them and they really like it. And sometimes they WANT different partners to FEEL desirable to have a rush of power from it.

It can be connected to bipolar and even borderline personality disorder. There can also be alcohol issues connected to this behavior as well. It can also be a sign of a female with NPD issues too.

Maybe she did LIKE being touched inappropriately because MAYBE she needed something from her parents and did not get it, and she just liked the attention.

[Open Eyes]

What is her family like, have you met them? What are her friends like? Is she hanging out a lot with the friends from the bar? What is she doing to earn money now, did she settle down and get an eduation? Does she share this past with you with "I loved doing all this and found I constantly enjoyed it"? Did she experiment a lot with drugs?

The OP is only 22, that's very young yet. She is two years older and girls tend to mature faster than guys to begin with.

[Open Eyes]

I feel like she has changed since meeting and falling in love with me

How did you meet her?

[Have Hope]

@Hugh Mungus, I understand your sentiments and feelings around this. It's so hard not to judge someone for a checkered past, especially when it conflicts with our own value system. If she truly has changed and these events were four years ago and longer, perhaps it's OK for you to still hold the feelings you do have about her past, but not judge her now for who she is now? Is it possible to carry both types of feelings at the same time? It's hard to just do an about face or 180 degree turn on your own feelings, and like you said, it's been very difficult to see past it. So what if you honored your true feelings about her past, accepted them, but also view her as being a different person now? Someone who may have learned some lessons through what she did and who may have changed for the better? And maybe you can just love her for who she is now, a changed person?

[Open Eyes]

I SEE HIM/HER CHANGING and HE/SHE IS A DIFFERENT PERSON with me.

BIG RED FLAG!!

If I could go back and explain this to that 22 year old I once was, I could have avoided MANY hurts that I suffered through. And if other posters really sit and think about that, perhaps the choices they themselves made would have been different too. When we are YOUNG and NAIVE and exprience "LOVE" we want to believe this LOVE is going to conquer anything that can hurt us. And we often decide "This person will be different because of ME and HOW I LOVE THIS PERSON".

Sometimes the REALITY is that a leopard simply doesn't really change it's spots. Considering my own experiences in my own life? There is no way I am going to tell another person their FEELINGS and concerns should be ignored either. There are times we may really WANT another person to change, and even TRY to give that person a chance. And often what we discover is our efforts to care did NOT change that other individual and we DO end up sadly getting hit between the eyes with that reality.

There are most definitely many times an individual develops a way of navigating their lives that they NEVER really do change. Manipulative unhealthy individuals CAN most definitely come in BOTH males and females too. Often, if we have endured the consequences of just that, it's not unusual to see how that individual simply moves on to yet another NIAVE innocent individual and behaves EXACTLY the same way with that individual too.

I know others have been victims, have been hurt and they WANT to give others a chance to learn and grow as they may have. Yet the truth is sometimes an individual doesn't deserve that kind of sympathy. I know this all too well, because that was my OWN MISTAKE. And UNFORTUNATELY, more than once. And in all honesty? It was in fact a WOMAN that hurt me more than ANY man ever did, yet I had been hurt by males too in my life. There were some red flags I missed there too.

I am certainly not going to encourage this very young and still NIAVE young man to IGNORE his feelings about this individual's behavioral history. Sometimes we LOVE another individual and we want to believe in that LOVE. And we ignore IMPORTANT red flags that should NOT be ignored.

[Fuzzybear]

[Have Hope]

People can change. It was four years ago and longer. He did not say that he sees her changing, he said he see that she is different now. There's a difference. Why should a past such as hers be big red flags? She's not who she was then. If we were all judged for the stupid things we did when we were young, no one would have a relationship. The past is the past. No one is telling him to ignore his feelings. He says she's the dream girl now, so maybe she truly has changed. Only time will tell. If he cuts her off now because of her past, that would be unfortunate. I could see if someone had been jailed for a federal offense or something along those lines, but not this.

[Open Eyes]

I am going to play a little Devil's advocate here. There have been times in my own life experiences that I HAVE shared things about myself that are private life challenges. To my horror, those very things were thrown at me casting unfair judgement of me. "What a bad person, I CAN'T LIKE YOU". To top that off I faced what is called a smear campaign too. And by individuals who come across as understanding and forgiving too. Yes, as long as you see things THEIR WAY.

I have been a member here a long time and all that time I have been Open Eyes. I haved shared life experiences here. And I am one of those members that may have shared my life experiences here more than once with different struggling members I reach out to help here and there. I don't do that to empower myself, instead I do it to say "yes, I have experienced a challenge like that myself".

Sharing some personal history challenges with another person is ALWAYS A RISK. Sometimes, a person is not mature enough to have the ability to hear something and be able to actually handle it well. And sometimes it may even hit too close to home with them too and they choose to distance from it.

This OP is very young yet. And he shared some things about this girl that he is really having a problem with. And I cannot tell him to "just" ignore any of it because I don't even know this girl he is talking about. All I can do for him is share things I have learned myself in my own life. And sometimes a person's history CAN reflect how they look at things, how they navigate and that they may not be a good fit for us when it comes to having a relationship that we can accept.

Sometimes, people go through crap in their life but are still NICE people, they may have learned some hard lessons. We all have our garbage. And other times some people go through things in their lives and they sometimes choose a darker path. Well, you live long enough, you can end up meeting/experiencing both, I know I have. I can't say with any certainty what this GF is, good or bad.

What I AM hearing however, is a young man that is simply not mature enough to know what to think about what he has been told. It's very likely he simply doesn't have enough life experience to know what to think. And you know what, "that's ok".

No abuse is ok, no matter what the age of someone. Some who are abused turn into abusers themselves. Some who are abused learn from it and become more protective and understanding despite of it. Each person will look at this situation a little differently depending on their history. Some have been abused and have to work through it, may have made some mistakes because of it but end up being good people.

I can't tell this young man what to do other than spending more time learning and to not commit until he has had enough time to come to terms with it and see if this individual actually has "changed" for the better.

What stands out to me the most is that he is very young yet and he genuinely doesn't know what to do with what he has learned. It's ok if he has the feelings he has. It's ok if this is too complicated for him at this time in his life too.

[Open Eyes]

Hopefull the OP will return and share some more with us here at PC. That's who we are all here to help.

[medievalbushman]

What stands out to me here is we've got a lot of responses and opinions on one post that honestly... doesn't provide a very clear picture. Hopefully OP can help flesh in the blanks and clarify some of the questions that have already been asked so that we're all a bit more well informed. I think he'll find exploring the issue some more will be beneficial.

[seesaw]

@Open Eyes I think all anyone can do is share their perspective, which will always be colored by their own experience. You've shared what stands out to you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The concern I have is when one person or another tries to establish that they are right. None of us can be right. It's not our life, we're not there, we have no clue what's really going on. All we can do is share from our own experience how we have dealt with similar situations.

What's there for me in this is that regardless of the reason, the OP is uncomfortable being with a woman who has more sexual experience than he does and has lived a different lifestyle than him. He seems to have trust issues as well as insecurity about the relationship. He either needs to deal with these or end the relationship. It's not fair the GF either if he is constantly untrusting of her for no reason. And that's not a healthy relationship for either of them.

I also hope the OP returns to give us some more background.

[divine1966]

Personally I think no one is obligated to date anyone else. If person’s previous experiences or current life style or whatever else under the sun is a problem or creates a discomfort, then there is zero reasons to date that person.

No one owes anyone anything (especially if it is just someone we date, not tied for life). There are ton of men some women would consider dream come true but id not even want one date with them (when I was single), could be because of their current life or could be because of their past. Didn’t owe anyone explanation why.

My only concern is blaming a child for being molested because she let that happened or make a mockery out of child abuse because such horrible things are common or perhaps she liked it. That’s my only concern as I don’t tolerate such things perpetrated upon children and don’t take child abuse lightly.

Other than that at 22, or in fact at any age, there is zero reason to date anyone you aren’t 100% comfortable with. When people ask if they should date so and so, the answer is likely “no.”. If the person was right for you, you’d not have to ask. When you meet right person, you’ll know. This one isn’t the right match for you. And you aren’t the right match for her. It doesn’t matter if it’s her past or other issues. Things don’t need to be that hard in the very beginning and one shouldn’t have that many concerns that early on.

Good luck

[lizardlady]

[Have Hope]

The OP hasn't been back to the thread. This thread is 3 pages long. I hope they're not overwhelmed.

[Hugh Mungus]

Wow i didn't expect to get so many replies on my thread here, thanks for helping me out and sharing your insights everyone

I've been feeling a lot better on this topic lately, in large part due to explaining my feelings to my gf and letting her know the dark thoughts that were going through my head. We had a long in depth conversation about what i was going through, what i was feeling, and ultimately it helped calm me down a lot. When I'm with her and talk with her I do feel like she's a completely different person from the life she lead before she fell in love with me. I feel much more level now and able to deal with the problem i was facing. I knew i would have to have this conversation with her, but i also felt i might benefit from the experience and advice of other people, in an open and inclusive, non judgemental space.

To clear one thing up - what i meant about her getting touched, in her mind she consented to what was going on at the time, she was young (8 i think) and technically below the age of consent. It doesn't make it any less creepy though, but i can't say she thinks she was, or feels like she was, molested. And the perpetrator was a family friend, no relation, i think like 13 yrs. at the time.