My Boyfriend Scared Me

Wow. I'm sorry this happened to you! I'm also glad because he doesn't sound like a good person for you at all. Hopefully it'll be easier for you to cut your losses now.. no more wondering.. no more wasted time being controlled.

I'm not sure what you mean about the best you could hope for (in bold).

Of course he'll turn it on you. You're not the problem though so let all that roll off your back and don't take a moment worrying about it. He's clearly struggling with a lot about himself.

I'm glad you have that clarity. Still.. a crappy situation to be in. Big hugs to you!

I'm so sorry for your sudden and immense pain.



I will be keeping you in my prayers.

((((((((Anandi))))))))

I hope what I am about to tell you helps. A good love relationship is not a home improvement project. True love is loving someone as the person actually is. This is not the man for you--and you are not the woman for this man. Period. Right now, today tell your clinician friend that you are separating yourself from this man and make sure she has all the particulars on him--his address, his physical description, etc. He sounds dangerous and he may very well react very poorly to your choosing to stop interacting with him. Then, stop interacting with this man. Stand firm when you tell him that you two are not suited for each other--no more phone calls, no more meetings.

I agree with your first two statements.

Many people find themselves in bad relationships, or get into a relationship all for the wrong reasons and discover it's wrong. Most people just want to be loved and to find a loving relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. People are just trying to figure things out for themselves, and they want support while they work it out for themselves. It's hard to find a good and healthy relationship it seems, and that becomes evident by all the posts and threads about relationships.

This is a peer support forum. If people in bad relationships use it to post about their struggles, they might be doing it for support or to run things by other members.

@Anandi, it was good that you took some time to share your concerns about this man here with others. It gave you a chance to consider things you may not be seeing, or at the very least you have gotten support from others about important red flags about this man that you really needed to recognize.

Now that you are seeing some important realities about this man, and he has also told you that he never cared about you and HE is rethinking things, what you do now is important. This man NEEDS to feel HE has the control and he CAN engage in doing harmful things. IMHO, the best way to handle this break up with him is to do so in a way that allows him to think HE is the one in control and making the decision. Everything you have just shared here is actually telling you how HIS ego is all that matters. For individuals that are narcissistic and sociopathic, that is ALL they care about. There is absolutely NOTHING you can say or do to change that either.

This is definitely a learning experience for you right now. NOW that you see the reality you must also see how you gave into it too. You will begin to slowly recall how MOST of your interactions with him were in fact "ALL ABOUT HIM". You were wonderful as long as you SERVICED HIS EGO. Narcissistic individuals insist on a following, THEIR need is ALWAYS GREATER. If you challenge that AT ALL, you will end up dealing with one hell of a narcissistic RAGE. Their rage will entail ANYTHING they can come up with to CONDEMN YOU. How DARE you say ANYTHING that makes them feel bad or inadequate or undeserving. You don't GET to have the power, only THEY are to have that and THAT is really ALL THEY CARE ABOUT. Think about it now, isn't that what he just told you?

So here is what you have to go by when it comes to developing a safer "exit" plan with this individual. He will have NO INTEREST in how YOU feel so he will NOT offer any calming for you at all, and anything at all will come at you in a condescending tone where he talks DOWN to you further letting you know YOUR needs are not important or truely worthy. He is telling you that he will not accept ANYTHING ELSE but that YOU DID NOT MEASURE UP for what HE NEEDED. He is actually being honest about one thing with you in that he NEVER really had ANY feelings for you. The best you can hope for? Yes, is that you have SERVICED him in some way and can be USEFUL when HE HAS NEEDS.

Truth is you were ONLY adored when you were SERVICING HIS NEEDS. The power ALWAYS had to be his and his alone. It was in fact all about HIS EGO. You were only getting petting approvals as long as you played by that rule.

Now you need to understand how you allowed that to happen so you don't allow it to happen again.

This is important to learn otherwise you will fall into this same trap again with yet another narcissist. They see you long before you know it because they look for a certain type they can get what they need from. They already know what kind of petting you need to keep you engaged in servicing THEIR ego and needs.

I was thinking the same. The question is, HOW without him trying to maintain this toxic relationship.

Yes, it does hurt to realize you were in love with a person he is not. But better you found this out now rather than later when you're too deep into the relationship. Your breakup plan is a good one. Congrats to you for wanting to end it and on your own terms. You can do far better than this person, and you you deserve it. Know this within yourself, and carry that forward with you. Hugs to you. It will hurt for a while, but all pain is temporary and eventually will diminish. Be happy to be free of a man who scares you.

@Anandi most narcissists develop from some kind of "abandonment" in their history/childhood so when it comes to ending a relationship with them it's important to do your best at remembering their going to "react" IF they feel they are being abandoned. Anandi, it's not a situation where there is some kind of property or children etc., involved so the safest route to take is to make the break in a way that allows him to be the one who is leaving and you to remain kind and respectful as he will need to disconnect feeling HE is the one that has more and it's best for him to continue to grow and gain as he has outgrown you. Give him that even though it's not really how you feel. He will never get how you feel, it's always going to be what he feels or needs that he cares about the most.

Privately you can thank your lucky stars that you don't have property (or private information you have shared with him) or anything with him yet that he can use against you in some way. It's always important to remember that when it comes to narcissists or toxic people it's THEIR EGO that matters to them the most. And THAT is exactly what this man made clear to you Anandi.

Good job recognizing that this isn’t a healthy relationship. Good job posting about it and sharing your concerns. You are strong and courageous and you’ll do well in life. Hugs

@Anandi you have been quiet, how are you doing?

There is such a big time difference from where you are and here where I am, it's morning here and where you are it's night. So here it's 11:17 in the morning and where you are it's 11:17 at night.

I was thinking more about what you shared and what your boyfriend said to you that frightened you. Well, considering some of the history you shared about him, it's not surprising that he doesn't really understand what "love" is or means. Because you have chosen to be a healer using a religion, I think that given this situation, it's important to understand that when you help someone that is looking for spiritual healing that has a very challenged history, and strong cultural messages, you are not going to get the same kind of deep understanding and sense of connection that you have yourself.

Everything you have shared that this man said to you is troubling, however, at least he was being honest. The "truth" can be pretty scary, and the truth this man shared can definitely fall into the scary realm. As a religious /spiritual healer part of what you are doing as a healer is to actually help others come to terms with themselves, forgive themselves and learn to overcome some of the ways they had to function to survive. When someone you loved/cared deeply about tells you they never loved you, they may be telling you how they do not have the ability to love the same way you do. That can be deeply distressing to hear from someone you felt a deep love for.

I have been thinking about how you are angry, felt he had lied to you for the past 6 months. Yet, he did not want to continue that so he confided some "truth" with you about himself. Even when he said, "I can't/don't love you but you have been an important person to me". I know that was so hard to hear, but, at least he was being honest with you. Anandi, as a healer having someone open up and share "truth" with you is important to that person's healing. The "truth" can most definitely be hard to hear, and equally hard for someone to say too. Yet, when someone does share the truth, that person must somehow respect you enough to do so.

You know, there are times when a person is way too hurt due to their history that they simply cannot ever have the capacity to love and trust. That would cause them to lose their sense of control, a control that person had to develop in order to survive. A hurt or be hurt mentality that person developed in order to survive is the only way they can function. Sometimes a person has a history of being invaded so badly that they can never truly form connections with others in a normal way, it's simply causes them to feel way too vulnerable and unsafe. Now through study there are labels for individuals who can only function a certain way that fall under the "disordered" catagory. These disorders reflect behavior patterns in individuals that result from how these individuals were exposed to environments that caused them to develop certain ways of surviving whatever environment they were exposed to when they were growing up in both a family environment and cultural environment. Human beings are designed to navigate and we all learn to navigate based on whatever environment we have to survive in. There is definitely a lot of gray when it comes to this reality about human beings. There simply is no real black and white as there are too many variables to consider including temperment and even how someone's brain is wired.

Well, often loving someone means having the ability to hear their truth, and be able to let go of what we wanted them to be that they could never be for us. So, as a healer, that will be something you will need to work on understanding as best as you can. It's not so easy to do.

It time to dump him. People can change. I don't see him changing if he fascinated in hurting people. If he did this to other? He could do this to you.

That is great advice!

I lost a coworker to domestic violence and not a day goes by since her murder do I ask myself. if there was anything else that I could have done to save her life.

The worrying thing here is that he is not getting any help over his instincts and/or deep-seated desires.

All those instinctual urges (plus, he admits still watching such violent documentaries & not to mention his violent past) are just lying dormant, simmering under the surface.

One day he can blow up and then what?

I would run a mile and not trust his words.

So, 9 days ago I let my neighbors who I am friends with know what is going on, then left to stay with a friend.
10 days ago I saw my therapist, and received coaching on how to break up. He had me wrote a bullet-pointed script that made it all about me and what I am looking for. Skirted the violent fear altogether and blessed him for the things he said he wanted - to be free of the "burden" to do what he's passionate about - business.
I have continued to stay with friends, but will return home in a few days.
Next step on my work with my therapist is dealing with how I got sucked into this in the first place.
I have joined a Facebook support group for survivors of narcissistic/sociopathic relationships. And have reached out to friends and family to not go through this alone.
The pain is devastating and deep. I feel like I've been stabbed and am bleeding out. Not really functional at all. But I am moving forward with the knowledge that the pain will heal and that I deserve so so much better. I am so grateful that I posted in this forum and for everyone's honest feedback.
My therapist reminded me when I was feeling terrible that I didn't pick up on the red flags, that love is truly blind. It's not easy. But I will get through this wiser and stronger.

Thank you so much for letting us know!



Blessings to you!

Thank you for letting us know. You are wise and strong beyond your years. Hugs