[Mushbroom]

So, ill go from the beginning and this is going to be long and i make no apologies.

4 weeks ago now, i used my wifes notebook to write something down, when i opened it i found a list of finances that she would be entitled to if she left, including CMS and also things she needed to buy for her new place.

Anxiety through the roof i hit the ceiling and i had an attack, i asked her what was going on,

We sat down and we talked and she told me that she wasnt happy, for the last 3 years (since our daughter was born) she felt as if i didnt help her, didnt show her affection, didnt help with the baby, didnt do anything except work and look at my phone.

I took a walk, i thought about what she had said and i typically begged her to stay, she closed herself off to me, over the coming days i couldnt sleep in the same bed, i had a mental breakdown through anxiety and had to get myself a room on camp,

She questioned this and i said it was best, she told me she just needed some space,

I thought she meant me moving out for a few days to let her think, she told me she meant just 20 mins here and there so she gets me time.

Fast forward a couple of days, and i asked her how she was feeling and she closed off instantly told me it was too soon, she didnt know, shed enjoyed me not being there for the last couple of days and now questioned whether she loved me.

I left that night, my mental health deteriorating i spoke to her sister for advice,

The day after fathers day she asked me if id spoken to her sister, she asked why and i said i was worried, i dont know where i stand or our relationship is, she accused me of stalking her instagram (i watch her insta stories and like her pics everyday.. always have) she told me she was scared that id come back in the middle of the night.. that cut deep.. wtf did she mean by that,

I left that night and she removed her married status on facebook, that tipped me over,

I went to see the Doc on monday, he referred me to a mental health specialist nurse.

I went home monday night i told her i was leaving for 5 days, she said "but were doing this so you can see the kids", i simply said "i know" and left.

I was with the mental health specialist nurse on tuesday with sucidal thoughts and and a whole raft of anxiety and depression traights. I managed to talk her out of the mental health ward because my wife didnt know i didnt want her to feel guilty because of it.

She has closed herself down so much but she hasnt said our marraige is over, she refused counselling, the padre and welfare, stating she doesnt want to talk to people she doesnt know, but wont open up to me

She is on ANTI D. She has a history of depression, i had a gambling addiction but ive been clean for 13 days now and im not going back.

I love her with all my heart but she is so cold towards me i dont know where i stand because she wont give me a straight answer to anything.

I dont want to walk away, i dont want her to go, i want to work through it as the problems are minor and i just need her to see that.

I can be affectionate, i can be loving, i can do everything that she needs but its difficult when the feeling of it not being wanted is always there.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by Mushbroom

We sat down and we talked and she told me that she wasnt happy, for the last 3 years (since our daughter was born) she felt as if i didnt help her, didnt show her affection, didnt help with the baby, didnt do anything except work and look at my phone.

I left that night, my mental health deteriorating i spoke to her sister for advice.. she asked why and i said i was worried, i dont know where i stand or our relationship

she told me she was scared that id come back in the middle of the night..

I can be affectionate, i can be loving, i can do everything that she needs but its difficult when the feeling of it not being wanted is always there.

A few questions came to mind..

She's felt like this for the past three years and you had no awareness at all? If you can be affectionate and loving, what was holding you back for so long?

Why did you contact "her" sister about your relationship concerns? It didn't sound like she was aware until after the conversation took place. I'd see this as crossing boundaries. "Liking" her photos and contents daily is excessive, IMO. I can understand why she felt you were "stalking" her, as much as I hate that term.

Did you ask her why she's afraid of your return?

Things like this don't happen over night. It was up to the both of you to address your concerns if your needs were not being met. You have a young child together.

I'm sorry you're going through this and it's unfortunate this wasn't dealt with a lot sooner. There seems to be a trust issue going on.. the addiction, the fear, the lack of communication. You've both been coasting and sweeping the issues under the rug.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off a bit strong. It sounds like she's already made up her mind and is buying time until she finds herself a new place to live.. ? Just a hunch.

[Have Hope]

Had your wife ever brought up these issues to you in the last 3 years, or is this the first time you are hearing these things from her ("she felt as if i didnt help her, didnt show her affection, didnt help with the baby, didnt do anything except work and look at my phone.")?

If she had never brought these things up, then I can understand your shock. But if she has mentioned that these things are bothering her, then it would have been on your shoulders to help out more, to be more affectionate and to show her that you care about her and the baby.

And those problems are NOT minor. They are HUGE. If she truly feels that you have not helped with your child, and that you have been an absent father and husband, and if all your attention has been on work and on your phone, then she has a right to feel resentful and neglected.

A gambling addiction can become a HUGE problem in a relationship. Depression can also become a problem. And lack of communication can be a HUGE problem as well that can break a couple apart.

It sounds like your wife's mind is pretty much made up, without her saying the words to you. She removed her marital status from Facebook, which says a LOT about what she's thinking and feeling. It seems she does not want to be married anymore. As painful as it may be, you may have to accept that this is what she wants. And if therapy is not what she wants, what more can you do? You cannot fix her unhappiness that has been prolonged over several years. Resentful builds, and it seems she reached a breaking point and wants to break free.

[RockyRoad007]

I'm sorry you're going thru this. As a woman, I would like to point out a statement that said a lot. It just seems to blow her off.

"I want to work through it as the problems are minor and i just need her to see that."

If I were in your wife's shoes, my reply to the above statement would be "No, the problems are major, and I just need you to see that".

[Open Eyes]

Hi Mushbroom, welcome to Psyh Central. Sorry you are finding yourself overwhelmed right now. However, it's important that you face some realities and that just may hurt. Yeah, Reality can be very hard to face sometimes, yet, it's essential to any true growth as a person.

A gambling problem is NOT a minor problem when you have a family that depends on you. And you only stopped nine days ago, isn't that when things began to "change"? Addiction problems can ruin relationships.

[Molinit]

I noticed you didn't mention your gambling addiction until the very end. Huge problem. Do you really mean you have been clean just 13 days or did you mean 13 years?

If only days, my suggestion would be to divorce. Work on your sobriety. Don't try to have another relationship until you have been clean for more than a year.

Also, along with your gambling, it may help to work on your emotional regulation a bit. It seems that when problems arise you react in a very dramatic fashion (having attacks, instead of paying attention to what she is telling you you are focused on your "mental health deteriorating").

Also, respect her request to stop looking at her Instagram.

[Mushbroom]

So,

Having felt attacked by almost every single one of these replies i have an update,

I arrived home to feed the cat to find her wedding ring a note a divorce petition,

Now im calm i can update you on this, she is using my gambling addiction as the main front and accusing me of spending "our savings" lack of support and not supporting her mental health.

Now,

I replied to this and accepted the divorce with a level head.

Throughout our relationship she hasnt contributed anything financially, fuel to pick her up and take her to mine a 7hr round trip for 4 years, before we were married she never paid for the fuel,

We got married i paid for everything except the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses,

Once married she had secret debt, she approached me once and i had to borrow money off my parents to pay it off, she didnt tell me how much more debt there was, this was a recurring theme and when i sat down and totalled what id paid for her it was about 6k? She also still has these debts however after months of telling her to speak to debt advice or set up a standing order so she wasnt missing payments she finally did it. After multiple bailiff letters were placed in different areas of the house unopened and hidden

Now, the instagram thing was a ploy to aggrovate me against what she had been planning, it was a throw away comment i am active on instagram so i watch everyones stories daily, she wasnt the only person i watched and liked daily, but as shes my wife youd expect to have your updates liked by your husband (apparently not)

She stated to me that she was worried that id come back, yet ive never given her a reason to believe this, its guilt talking to get a rise out of me so id be offended and leave,

My "gambling addiction"

Now, this is a strange subject and i fully expect none of you to understand however, having spoken to my mental health nurse and mentioning her secret debt, she made a valid point,

"Your compulsion to gamble sounds like a response to ensure you have the money to pay off a hidden debt"

This resonated with me, when i had cut my financial ties to her mentally my compulsion to gamble was no longer there, so i put gamstop in place joined GA and ive not had a compulsion to seek gambling since.

Now,

I accepted the divorce and i have sent my own version of events.

On reflection and careful consideration, her accusations of my gambling affecting "our savings" is not true, WE never had any savings and she didnt put anything towards it,

She said i was gambling in secret however she knew i was gambling as she had admitted to looking through my accounts and didnt seek to confront me or seek help for me if she was that worried,

She stated there was no sex, this is because after my first was born she fell into depression and i gave her the space she required, she didnt want it and i wasnt going to pressure her, we had sex frequently so then my second was born, and the same happened again, however my 2nd born is 6 months old now and suddenly she doesnt want to be with me anymore..

This decision was made months ago and made me out to be the bad guy,

However on reflection

That money that was i was gambling she reaped the benefit from, new clothes, bigger house, new cars, and 2 holidays, not to mention paying off her secret debts.

Now, lack of affection and intimacy are easy fix's with communication and the will the succeed.

Lieing to your husband for 3 years and then accusing me of doing nothing for you? Thats not ok.

I have financially kept her above water for 10yrs.

Right now without the divorce settling into my brain yet i am calm.
I will ensure my daughters have everything that they ever need and require, but shes made her decision. Its time to move on and stop blaming myself for something im only partly at fault for.

[bluekoi]

Mushbroom,

I'm sorry you and your family will be going through a divorce. Awesome you've taken steps toward quitting gambling! Your daughters' will need your support and guidance in dealing with the divorce. It will be hard for everyone.

I just want to let you know we have a Men-Focused Support Forum if you are interested. Take care.

[MsLady]

The financial piece is definitely a heavy burden so for that, I do feel for you. You've also added further information about your situation so it's easier for us to better understand what's happening and to better support you through it.. and as dysfunctional as the gambling was, I get what your therapist is saying. Good for you for putting it behind you.

[Open Eyes]

@Mushbroom good to read that you calmed down and were able to sit and write out your second post remaining calm.

You were so emotionally distressed in your first post that you were unable to share the whole picture so members were only able to respond on what you did share. Glad to see you finally calmed down so you could share more. It’s very helpful for you to be able to sit and write things out the way you just did. Not so much for us here at PC but for yourself.

The reason this helps is it allows you sort things out so you can understand the bigger picture and that maybe what has happened is not as bad and your wife has contributed to the problem in your marriage as well.

So you get home and your wife has left correct? Do you know where she is? Does she have the children?
How can she afford to do anything if she doesn’t have money unless you give it to her?

[Mushbroom]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

So you get home and your wife has left correct? Do you know where she is? Does she have the children?
How can she afford to do anything if she doesn’t have money unless you give it to her?

So this weekend was pre-planned for months, its her dads long weekend so we always went to london to see them, however due to the seperation i decided not to go as it would have been too awkward,

She had intentionally decided to use this as a catalyst to her 'leaving note' calmly texting me pictures of my children enjoying time in the pool,

She works but is currently on maternity pay, due to her outstanding debts im unsure how shes paying for the divorce as she has denied the ability of collecting some or all of the charges from me,

She will be moving 200 miles away to be closer to her family, and has a very warped idea of what she is entitled to, what shell actually recieve and how to get it,

On the proviso that shes planned this for months, she should already have plans in place and already started paperwork for social housing/universal credit to ensure she lands on her feet,

My children will be treated like Queens, all im taking from the house is the TV and my own stuff, i cant take anything else without my children suffering because they dont have anything,

I have no financial burden to my wife, she has her own debt, that is her decision,

I dont give her money i need to be clear on that, she works, but her money pays for household food childrens clothes activities and the odd takeaway,

I pay for all of the household bills/fuel/Car etc.

My gambling never led me to debt, i never used my overdraft and rarelt used my wages for it, i played with winnings only.

[sarahsweets]

I am sorry you are going through this. I caution you against getting any members of her family involved like her sister. Many times families stick together and could gang up on you.