[Have Hope]

I am facing the possibility of having to end my marriage and am feeling an enormous, heavy weight of immensely deep sadness on my shoulders and in my heart today.

Reality has hit me square in the face - I am being on and off abused. I have given him an ultimatum (as of yesterday) and now need to follow through on that.

IF he cannot make important and necessary, much needed changes, IF he yells at me even just more time, I am insisting upon couples counseling and upon him taking FULL ownership of his issues (which he denies and won't own up to). IF he refuses to take ownership, and IF he refuses couples counseling, I am ending the marriage.

I feel such deep grief.

I have given so much of myself to this relationship - all of my heart, love and caring. We have built a life and a comfortable, cozy home together. We do not have children, but we share two pets. We share a social circle and a mutual social life together. Much would be lost, along with the marriage. And IF it needs to end, it would be his second failed marriage.

He told me months before our wedding that if couples counseling is ever brought up , that means the relationship is over.

He refuses to look at himself square in the mirror. He refuses to introspect and see his behaviors as being abusive. He will not take responsibility for his issues - instead, he deflects, blames and projects ALL his issues onto me.

And I am done. I am tired of it all.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, and this is how I am feeling - this is what is on my mind. I do not feel like celebrating. I want to skip tomorrow.

[downandlonely]

I am so sorry you have come to this point in your marriage. But if he refuses to change or even attempt counseling, I do think you are making the right decision. You deserve to be treated with respect.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I am so sorry you have come to this point in your marriage. But if he refuses to change or even attempt counseling, I do think you are making the right decision. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Thank you so much.

I do deserve to be treated with respect. And I deserve happiness, too. I cannot tolerate this up and down emotional roller coaster ride anymore. I am done. I have reached my breaking point.

[lady411]

Thank you so much for sharing. Your story sounds very similar to mine. Except we have two kids instead of pets. We’ve tried couples counseling but since it didn’t work for his first marriage so he didn’t put in his full effort into it. We are still trying to work things out. There are other issues at play but we both want our marriage to last so we are still trying to figure things out on our own. I believe we need help from outside sources but because of the quarantine here we are for now.

I’m so sorry you are going thru that right now. It’s a terrible feeling. Stay strong and I hope it works out for for you. Whether it’s separated or working on your marriage.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. Sending you hugs. Let me know what kind of support you need.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by lady411

Thank you so much for sharing. Your story sounds very similar to mine. Except we have two kids instead of pets. We’ve tried couples counseling but since it didn’t work for his first marriage so he didn’t put in his full effort into it. We are still trying to work things out. There are other issues at play but we both want our marriage to last so we are still trying to figure things out on our own. I believe we need help from outside sources but because of the quarantine here we are for now.

I’m so sorry you are going thru that right now. It’s a terrible feeling. Stay strong and I hope it works out for for you. Whether it’s separated or working on your marriage.

I'm so sorry to hear this about your own marriage. It's gut wrenching to say the least, and most painful, I know. It's good you both are working on it together.

My husband won't even admit he has a problem.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am so sorry. Sending you hugs. Let me know what kind of support you need.

Thank you so much, @divine1966!

I guess I just need people to sit with me and and support me in my feelings right now -- to help me to tolerate and cope with the sadness, the conflicted feelings and the extreme uncertainty.

I am not making any rash decisions or moves, but this is a very uncomfortable spot for me. Very uncomfortable. And most heartbreaking.

I am not good at managing difficult emotions. And I am used to taking quick action to resolve problems.

IF we were just dating and not living together with an intertwined life, including finances? I would have been gone long ago. But it's a marriage and a lifelong commitment I made. I want to give it every chance, but I also need to watch out for and tend to self preservation too.

So I guess I need help with coping with these tough emotions and working through them, while I am dealing with life without a therapist to help me right now. I know no one here can act as my therapist, but people can help support me in my plight. This is truly gut wrenching.

[MsLady]

I'm sorry Have Hope. Do you have a place to go to?

[divine1966]

Keep finances separate and don’t have both names in things like cars or anything else. You don’t own property so there isn’t anything combined. Not saying it’s easy emotionally. Not at all. But having things combined makes it more difficult. Make sure it stays this way just in case

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I'm sorry Have Hope. Do you have a place to go to?

Sadly, no.

I would have to move out on my own and break my apartment lease. In which case, I would be under the gun to find a replacement roommate, or else I am responsible for my half of the rent until someone else moves in to take my place.

I cannot go live with friends and/or family, nor would I want to at this point in my life.

I'm not in danger and I am safe at least.

[Have Hope]

What I am really struggling with at the moment is my anniversary tomorrow. How can I celebrate and put on a smile, when my heart is breaking, and when I am thinking realistically that I may need to walk away from my marriage?

What do I do? What do I say to him? Honey, I am. not feeling celebratory today.. can we delay our celebration? Because frankly, our marriage is on the rocks, and I do not know right now if we're going to work out. This is a wait and see kind of thing.

This would be the 1st time i would be revealing to him that in fact, our marriage is in trouble and is tenuous. I have not revealed that to him so specifically. It was implied more subtlety through my ultimatum yesterday, but he may not be aware of this fact.

So I do not know if it's a good idea to drop that bomb on him, right on our anniversary. But it's the truth of the matter. So do I keep my feelings inside and to myself right now? Or do I honor my feelings, and drop this bomb on him?

[Have Hope]

In addition, I need to grasp something very important: which is that since I have survived a multitude of life setbacks, disappointments, heartbreak and devastating breakups that I, too, can also survive through a painful divorce, if it goes there. I need to get this into my head and fully embrace that I CAN get past this too. It would be absolutely devastating, but I think I can survive it. I hope I can at least.

[divine1966]

I don’t think there is any kind of obligation to celebrate anniversaries especially if you are not feeling too great. Honestly I know people in great marriages who aren’t particularly concerned with anniversaries. I’d not worry about it, you can celebrate your marriage on a different day. When things are better.

He can’t possibly be oblivious that you think your marriage needs work. I’d not be faking it. Married couple has to be a team. You have to have the same agenda to make it work. Having frank conversation and coming up with mutually agreeable solution is a good first step. Doesn’t matter if it’s anniversary or not. There should be enough connection between you two to be on the same page.

When I had my divorce I gave my ex no time to think. I announced that I am done and we need to work out custody arrangements right away. He was oblivious. Don’t know how, I mean he was not deaf or blind, but I never spelled it out. He thought it was not fair and we had to talk and work things through. Nope. I was done. He held it over my head for few years that I never gave us any chance. My only excuse is that I was very young and didn’t know any better.

Well divorce was the right choice. We weren’t a good match and in fact I believe it was good for our daughter because she grew up not witnessing bad marriage and could develop good relationship with both parents separately and grow up well adjusted. Otherwise who knows how she’d grew up. But I know that ambushing the person is not the best way to conduct business. Give the person fair chance

If you feel your marriage is on the rocks he needs to know. He then can make a choice to work or it or not. Likely he’d like to improve and make changes. . If you pretend that things are great, then he isn’t given a chance. If you are afraid to be honest, then it’s a problem. You shouldn’t be afraid

I’d not be faking. Not saying I’d start a fight but I’d share how I feel

[Have Hope]

Thanks, Divine.

If I am truly honest with myself, I believe I am afraid of a fight and another blowup from him if I confront him with the full truth right now. A part of me really hesitates.

[Have Hope]

I think he yells in part to intimidate me from ever questioning him. I questioned him why he was taking my hairbrush last Friday to work without asking me. And I got outrage, accusations, yelling, and blame in reply. All I did was ask him why he didn't ask me first since it's MY hairbrush. He walked into the living room informing me he was taking it to work, which I felt was rude and inconsiderate since I use that brush every day and it's MINE. He has his own. So I should not have questioned him apparently, or else I get rage.

So yeah he intimidates me from speaking up. That's why I felt more comfortable giving him my ultimatum by text yesterday and not in person.

[Have Hope]

The more I write the worse this sounds.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Thanks, Divine.

If I am truly honest with myself, I believe I am afraid of a fight and another blowup from him if I confront him with the full truth right now. A part of me really hesitates.

I do understand not wanting to have a blow up fight.

Maybe put it in writing that you think there are things to discuss and if he wants to do it via text/email or in person. It might work better in a text than face to face because it gives him time to think it through

I hate when stuff is out of place. My husband takes travel coffee mugs to work and then leaves them in a car instead of bringing them inside. It’s a pet peeve of mine. He is pretty much bald so no hair brush needed or he’d never hear the end of it if he moved it. I don’t do well with stuff being not where it belongs.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

The more I write the worse this sounds.

We all had stupid fights with people at some point

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I do understand not wanting to have a blow up fight.

Maybe put it in writing that you think there are things to discuss and if he wants to do it via text/email or in person. It might work better in a text than face to face because it gives him time to think it through

I hate when stuff is out of place. My husband takes travel coffee mugs to work and then leaves them in a car instead of bringing them inside. It’s a pet peeve of mine. He is pretty much bald so no hair brush needed or he’d never hear the end of it if he moved it. I don’t do well with stuff being not where it belongs.

That's a good suggestion, thanks.

My issue was he didn't ask me if he could take my brush -- he told me he was taking it. It's polite and respectful to ask first before taking something that is your partner's belongings, something they use everyday.

I just called the counseling hotline available to me through work - EAP. In thinking this through more, I do not think this is the right timing to lay on him right now. His father is sick again in the hospital with pneumonia for the fourth time. We're in a pandemic. It's our anniversary tomorrow. And we're both just generally stressed.

I think it may be best for me to just wait on this until the right moment arises, and when his father is out of the hospital.

I am also still processing a lot of what's happening, a lot of what HAS happened, and I am formulating new conclusions every moment.

Like, for instance, he claims and accuses his ex wife of being an abuser, and of being abusive in their relationship to the point he had to exit. Now that I see how he is, I know he was also abusive -- or maybe she never was, and perhaps instead she was reactively abusive to him in response to HIS abuse.

So... he's been giving me all this time a false story, because of course, he's in denial. it's HIS version, which I am sure he believes in some way. When I have told him point blank that he's being abusive? He turns it around on me and says "No, YOU'RE abusive!" And "you have an anger problem! NOT me!" And "YOU have problems!"

The more I think on this and process it all, the more hopeless I feel about this ever working out. I don't see how it could possibly work unless he finally takes FULL ownership and responsibility for his behaviors, but he's been in denial for this long, why start now?

It may even take me walking out the door on him for him to agree to go to counseling or offer it as solution for holding onto me.

It all feels so hopeless.

I at least feel better in knowing that I am finally facing this more head on and am seeing things for what they truly are. At least I am being honest with myself, and with people here too.

Apologies for writing a novel! lol.

[divine1966]

You are being strong and realistic. That what counts.

Yeah every situation could be resolved if people reflect on their words and actions. “Sorry, I really do need to ask about taking your stuff. I need to do better and I’ll do better next time”. I bet there’d no fight after that. Simple. Why oh why some people escalate stuff. Stuff like this could be learned in therapy if it doesn’t come naturally

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are being strong and realistic. That what counts.

Yeah every situation could be resolved if people reflect on their words and actions. “Sorry, I really do need to ask about taking your stuff. I need to do better and I’ll do better next time”. I bet there’d no fight after that. Simple. Why oh why some people escalate stuff. Stuff like this could be learned in therapy if it doesn’t come naturally

Thank you!!

And agreed! It could have easily been resolved. But nooooooo... he exploded. Yes, it can be learned, IF someone is willing. If they don't think they have a problem, then that's a problem.

I think I know what pushed in part to blow up too. I will talk about that aspect later.. it's about our financial ties together.

[Have Hope]

Then I think of logistics, like if we have to separate, HOW in the world will we pull that off, living in the same household?????? Even if temporary, how could we even manage that? It's a very small place! It would be AWFUL and SO uncomfortable living that way. I don't know how we could pull it off, unless I stayed at my parents' home for a month.

[Have Hope]

I am severely depressed -- it is hitting me like a TON of bricks. He arrived home and we ran errands together and got takeout for dinner. We've spent the last 2 hours together, driving around, and my mood has swung way low. I am depressed being around his company right now. He is picking up on something being wrong, and on me not being my normal bubbly cheerful self. I am not telling him. I feel it's best right now. I simply told him I felt "blah". It will eventually come out somehow.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Keep finances separate and don’t have both names in things like cars or anything else. You don’t own property so there isn’t anything combined. Not saying it’s easy emotionally. Not at all. But having things combined makes it more difficult. Make sure it stays this way just in case

Sorry, @divine1966. I didn't initially see this post of yours. Our finances are already entangled. I won't get into details, but I will need a lawyer, if this goes in that direction. From this point forward, I will be careful to not get even more entangled.

[bpforever1]

My prayers and thoughts are with you!!I hope whatever path you choose, it works out in the end.