Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

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This man is not doing his part. You deserve better than that and we see that you know that! Good for you!

Thank you soo much.

Thank you!

Well, it's our wedding anniversary today and I am crying. He is irritable this morning and not feeling good. He kissed me goodbye and grumbled "happy anniversary" - no cheer, no real joy.

This is a nightmare. My worst nightmare right now. My parents are sending super sweet and happy text messages to us, and I am crying. They have no idea what's going on.

We haven't had sex in 3 weeks either. Our sex has dwindled down to barely anything at all anymore - 1-2 times per month, maybe, if I am lucky? I have brought it to his attention as a problem, and he said "we'll work on it". Has anything changed since? NO. He gave me a little something this past weekend to satisfy me at least, but we haven't had intercourse in 3 weeks.

This is not the life I want to live.

He just sent me a cute Happy Anniversary text, and I am bawling my eyes out.

I'm sorry this is such a hard day for you.

In addition we all stuck at home and can’t do much of anything. I am sorry it’s a rough day. Pandemics isn’t helping. Don’t worry about it being an anniversary. Take pressure of it. Just think of it as another day

I think you two just need to talk and see where you stand. Reduction of sexual activity could be stress or age related and that’s normal. If it’s related to problem in break in emotional intimacy then it’s something to look into. It might not be a big deal at all.

Thank you soo much. It really is very tough.

Yes -- we're stuck at home, and that creates stress and hardship all by itself.

We are of an older age, we both have had a lot of work stress, and we're both totally exhausted by the end of the work day. He told me a while back that that's all it was. And then the pandemic hit, and we can't go out. Then there was financial stress when his work hours were drastically reduced.

But in our blowout fight last Friday, he tried to blame me and issues we've had for our lack of sex. I called him out on that, and he retracted his statement and said he blames me for nothing.

On the flip side, before this blowout, we were most affectionate and loving with each other, cuddling and snuggling every night and being very sweet together.

I admit that I was recently struggling with the notion of being single again. It was very painful for me years ago to be single and alone. I looked around me, and everyone was coupled up -- most of my friends at least and social acquaintances. I was alone for national holidays. I was alone on Christmas, while my sister had someone. I was alone on New Years eve, and it was very painful for me. I spent many days, nights and hours alone - the isolation I felt and experienced really got to me and made me deeply depressed. I finally up and moved across the country to resolve it and to experience new adventures. I was gone for 4 years, and then eventually returned back home.

So I had to face and contend with my fears of being alone again over the last week during this questioning of whether I need to divorce. And I came to the other side of it, thinking I can handle it, and still be happy on my own. I have some very good and close friendships, I do have support and I have a social life that is intertwined with my husband's but it could be ok -- I guess? If I just avoid him? I don't know.

If I divorce, I also decided that I will remain single for the rest of my life. I am done with all relationships. Though I've also had healthy relationships in my life and I know what they look like, I've also had a string of abusive relationships. I don't trust my judgement, and I don't trust myself anymore.

I really thought I had found a good man in the beginning with my husband. But he rushed into things, which. was a red flag. I was aware of him rushing things, and I was aware this was a red flag. But I wanted to give it a chance, so I continued, while telling him we had to take things more slowly. I tried at least.

On our wedding day, he blew up at me in anger and we fought the morning of our wedding. He told me to "leave him alone". I almost called the whole thing off. So here I am, on our anniversary, still questioning the marriage and still thinking perhaps it was a big mistake.

I think you can trust yourself. You are now wiser.
On one side, you are seeing things clearly and have clear your boundaries and you are standing up for yourself. This already should give you a credit.
On another side, you are being compassionate with people who are important in your life, in this case, your husband.

You are doing the best it can be expect from a person, in my opinion.

Don’t put the blame on yourself and your capability to choose. There’s not a perfect marriage but as you saw, the important is that both parties are ready to grow. If your husband can’t do it, you have the right to look for yourself.

Thank you sooo much for your compassionate and kind post.

I appreciate you saying I am doing the best I can. I am trying. I do have clear boundaries, and I am standing up for myself. I am trying to be compassionate with my husband -- I do still love him, even though I hold anger towards him right now.

I don't trust myself though. But I guess I am getting ahead of myself. We're not separating right now, and divorce is not on the table at this moment. At least it's not being discussed, even though it's on my mind.

Thank you.

I made a 'wedding and year in review' video for my husband for our anniversary before all this went down. I just posted it on his Facebook wall, regardless. It's a really great video, I think.

And now I am crying again. I want to celebrate, and I want to feel happiness. And a part of me does feel some amount of happiness, coupled with pain.

When I watch the video, it's of our happy times together. And it makes me cry and feel very sad for what I am thinking of right now. He has no idea that divorce is seriously on my mind.

He posted on my FB wall a happy anniversary post -- short and sweet, and not gushing like all our friends do.

We have several married friends who GUSH all over each other about how awesome the other person is, how much they're loved and how much they cherish each other and their marriage/relationship.

We're not like that. We never gush about each other, not online at least. It does make me envious of my friends' marriages though. And it makes me sad about ours.

Don’t forget that you are giving him the possibility to grow and be better.
I would be jumping up and down with joy if I had the possibility to be better and fix things up with my spouse.

What if he does know that you thinking that and that’s why he is withdrawn worrying that you are contemplating something? I don’t think you should discuss divorce per se. It might not be a good idea.

But you two need to discuss that you aren’t happy and maybe he isn’t either (maybe because you aren’t putting up with stuff).

Asking him what HE thinks needs to happen to improve your marriage might provide some insight to what’s the deal with him? Why is he fighting over insignificant things like hairbrush. Is he thinking your marriage doesn’t need improving? I don’t think you should be suffering and crying in silence. You are married. You have rights to share how you feel and what’s bothering you. Unless you don’t feel safe to do so, then it’s understandable but it’s worrisome

I hope you two can discuss it and get on the same page

He told me how happy he is just last week, before he blew up at me in rage. He tells me fairly frequently that he loves me soo much, that he cannot live without me, and that he would be lost without me. These are his words.

I will find the right time. It's our anniversary and his dad is in the hospital sick, so obviously not any time soon would be appropriate. I am sure I will continue to feel depressed over the next coming weeks, so I am sure he will pull it out of me at some stage. I don't feel like approaching him and opening up to him. I feel like closing myself off. His outrageous behavior has effected me in this way. He can figure it out for himself that something is wrong. I am going to shut down and shut myself off.

I also went thru similar as our anniversary was less than a month ago and we were not doing too well. Our older daughters made it easier by making us a celebratory cupcake.
The way I figure is that if you’re definitely not going to divorce on that day and you both weren’t for sure decided on separating then why not use it as an opportunity to enjoy a nice dinner and maybe open some type of dialogue about your current situation. Or not. Perhaps just put your differences aside and take a day off all that tension you’ve been building up.
Just a thought.

Wow your husband sounds a lot like mine. He can be very temperamental. I have to be careful to make sure he’s not too tired or sexually frustrated or stressed out, etc. Or else the yelling begins.

My last two therapist have argued against texting discussions. There is a lot of misinterpretation involved in texting and emailing. I’m not a fan of face to face discussions with my husband because they usually end up with yelling, name calling, down talking in his part. Texting with him does give him time to think and respond from the heart but I’ve noticed it only occurs when it’s one really long text followed by a really long reply.

I’m so sorry you had such a difficult anniversary. I totally empathize with you and completely understand you for wanting to close off and shut down. But I don’t think he will figure it out for himself. From what I’ve read it sounds like he is completely oblivious of how you are truly feeling. And you would be right in thinking that this is his problem entirely. Because I’m sure that you have tried to express your thoughts and feelings. He is the one who is lacking compassion for his wife.
Please try to find some help for your depression. I know therapy has really helped me recently.
You sound like a strong and courageous woman. Focus on taking care of yourself before you make a decision as huge as divorce. Try doing things for yourself that will enrich your growth spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

Thank you for your posts and for your empathy.

Like I had written above, one more time of this, and he either gets help or I'm done and I'm out and he has a divorce on his hands. I will not put up with this in a marriage.

And yes, I am shutting down a bit and feel pushed away. I am getting treatment for my depression already, but because of the pandemic, I have not been able to see my therapist, unfortunately. But I am on medication at least.

I am judging for myself how best to handle things. Every situation and person is unique. He will figure out that something is wrong, and he probably will pull it out of me at some point.

We did manage to have a good night together for our anniversary, though his stomach has been ill for the past week and his shoulder is in severe pain, so no intimacy, yet again. I am starving for intimacy at this point, though we do cuddle throughout the night.

Thanks again for your kind words.

I am awake yet again at 3 AM. I haven't been able to sleep through the nights very well lately. Lots on my mind. Then my husband eventually wakes up and calls for me to come back upstairs to bed.

I am clearly disturbed about all of this. I've never been up at night like this before. I've never not been able to sleep. It's most unsettling.

And everyone (all our friends) were wishing us a happy anniversary yesterday. My parents even stopped by to give us two dozen roses and a balloon. They have no idea what's going on. My sister knows, because I confided in her about this at one point. My sister is behind me.

I wish I felt better. I hate this.

We didn't even make love that much on our own honeymoon. We had fought just before the wedding, on our wedding day, and once or twice on the honeymoon. We made love once. On our wedding night.

What a freaking disaster I am in. What have I done?