Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

A problem here on my end, is that when he starts yelling at me and out of the blue, it shocks my system, I am completely caught off guard, and then my body reacts or rather, my PTSD is ignited and I physically start shaking. Then I get angry in response for how he's treating me, I raise my voice in response, and I fight back. All the while, my body is shaking. When he yells at me, it's very intimidating, which I know is his goal.

The next time it happens, I will have to remain calm, even if it takes me by surprise. My plan is to go right to my phone and start recording the conversation. Then I will say, very calmly and gently to him:

"You are emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told you many times over that I will not tolerate this kind of treatment, and that it's not the marriage I want or will put up with. The last time this happened, I told you we would have a serious problem if it happened again. Now we have a serious problem. Either you own up to having issues AND get professional help for this, OR I am divorcing you. It's your decision."

And I have to say this while my PTSD is triggered and while I am physically shaking.

Or wait until calm again and then tell him when you are able to communicate as you wish?

Thanks, Bill. I need to follow through with how I presented it to him. He will not react well if I lay this on him now or anytime soon, even in a calm moment. He thinks everything is now better and/or resolved. I told him that the next time it happens, we will have serious problems, so that's how I need to proceed.

Right. What I am wondering about is this:

I am wondering whether it has to be said in that exact moment--sounds very difficult--or if better to wait until you are calm again.

I know... you're right and you make a very valid point. It will be difficult. I am worried about it, but I think I can pull it off. I know I'd rather wait, give myself time to strengthen myself and my resolve, and follow through on how I presented it.

If you have NO tolerance to his abusive behaviours then the decision needs to be YOURS, not his.. or you end up losing credibility in anything you're saying to him.

If he's shown he's unwilling to own up to his issues, then there's nothing left for you to do. These delays are just eating at you. It's not worth it.

I suspect if he were to go to counseling, any changes he'll make won't stick with you because you're both fragile and in need of someone who's able to give you both a fresh start.

I agree -- if he cannot own up to his issues, I have to leave him - and I will have no choice but to do just that.

This is the way I wish to proceed and is what I am most comfortable with doing. I want to give him the option to own up to his issues and also to choose counseling to work on it and to be able to keep me. If he cannot do either, I have my answers. But I feel best proceeding right now with the plan I have in place.

Right now, I am strengthening myself. This is my own personal journey and process towards being able to say what I need to say to him. I need this time for myself.

Thanks so much for your caring.

It’s a simpler decision in your situation; the age you are, the length of the relationship, the financial balance and entanglement, the lack of kids.

You have the ability to just focus on either having a truly good relationship or cutting bait.

One major thing I have realized: it is a process for a person to figure out leaving their spouse. It's not a simple process and it takes mental and emotional preparation. I have to be ready to say "that's it then. We're done" if he refuses to take ownership of his issues and go to counseling with me. I am not there yet. I am still processing. I am still needing to strengthen my courage to do this -- to 1) confront him with an ultimatum and 2) to then leave him if I need to. We JUST had our wedding anniversary, and of course, I have some mixed emotions. And right now, everything is back to normal and loving and sweet again. It's really hard to face leaving a marriage, and a commitment that one has made. And now I can see this.

It’s very hard. No doubt. And you have to do what’s right for you regardless what others think. No need to make rush decisions.

Just be careful if this sweet and loving period is not just a portion of a cycle. Isn’t he always sweet and loving after acting angry? I do hope it’s change for the best though and he took your text to heart. Fingers crossed

The simple emotion is love. Are you madly in love with him? You may decide that all the pro’s and the intensity of love, and the not wanting to get divorced may be something you choose to stay in the relationship and learn to cope with the fact that when he gets stressed out, he yells at you. I know it triggers you, but you may choose to work through it. There’s no shame in that.

I’m glad you celebrated your anniversary and aren’t fighting. That’s a good sign that you are not leaving him. You just need to negotiate with him to not yell at you and for you to calmly deal with it when he does (because this is his way and it will be a hard habit to break).

I wish I had learned to cope better many years ago. I’m on meds and only these are actually helping. Yes, my husband triggers me but my bad reaction to it is my flaw. If we had divorced and I blamed myself for it because I had emotional issues, I’d have felt even worse.

Take your time.

Another trigger for me that I’ve noticed is holidays. Can it be that your anniversary also caused stress for you both? Anyway, glad it’s over.

Thanks, but it's not like that. I am not going to just cope with him yelling at me. I will leave him. This behavior HAS TO CHANGE. And I will leave him if necessary. That is my line, it is my boundary, I will NOT tolerate abuse! Period. And he IS periodically abusive. I've decided enough is enough, and I will walk away from him and the marriage IF it continues in any shape or form. I am adamant. I have far too much self respect, far too much life left in me to live, and I believe in being happy and fulfilled in a marriage and in any relationship.

Absolutely! I just said this myself in a different thread. It does take a lot to come to a realization and it is scary.

You come off as a strong person. You'll figure things out! Hang in there. I also think this covid19 has opened a lot of eyes.. it sure did mine. I'm not judging you. I understand exactly where you're coming from. It's tough for sure!

Thank you!!!! I am building up my strength again, but yes, generally I am a pretty strong person. I've overcome and survived through SO much, that it's made me far stronger. And yes, it's a process, and it's not easy -- far from it.

@TishaBuv, you asked about being soooo in love with him. No, my love has waned. My feelings are changing. I am not feeling "in love" with him right now and I am not sure if I will ever get back to feeling in love with him. When I am disrespected even if on a periodic basis, it changes me and changes how I view the person. I am viewing him now from an entirely different lens: from an objective lens of "can I even be with this person?????" "do I even want to???" and "do I still actually love him?????"

So, my feelings have changed as a result of the disrespect.

I actually have pretty strong self esteem in many ways, and I think I have fairly grounded sense of self, self worth and self respect. I fought hard to develop those traits within myself, after being beaten down for years. I am not willing to sacrifice my self worth and self respect ever again -- not for anyone - and not for the sake of "love" or romance.

That's how I feel. So, now, right now I am not feeling that feeling of in love.

How long have you been together?

Over 2 years.

Yeah every situation could be resolved if people reflect on their words and actions. “Sorry, I really do need to ask about taking your stuff. I need to do better and I’ll do better next time”. I bet there’d no fight after that. Simple. Why oh why some people escalate stuff. Stuff like this could be learned in therapy if it doesn’t come naturally[/QUOTE]

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I think I missed that post! Very good post. Great points!!! ❤️

I think I missed that post! Very good post. Great points!!! ❤️[/QUOTE]

I quoted Divine's post there

(just in case there was any confusion )

Wow.. and you've been married for one year and were engaged shortly after you met? He must have been a good catch at the time.

I was engaged once after only knowing him for 5 months. Big mistake.

Engaged 7 months after meeting, married after a little over one year. Yes, initially I thought he was my dream man in many ways.

To turn off lovingly seems pretty logical when someone yells at you abusively.

Over my long marriage there were problems. But yelling and belittling weren’t an issue. There were other things that I overlooked, other things that triggered me, and many great things. The good always outweighed the bad. Then there is my issue about how I get triggered and that is a problem I bring to it.

My father would always say when in doubt make a good/bad list and see which is longer.

Plus, maybe he can curb his tendency to yell at you and learn to change.

Yeah.. i will make that list. Thank you.

I am really down this morning.

I am sorry you are down.