Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 10:03 AM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Hi-

I am so hurt and feel very devalued. I was dating someone over 8 years. There are many facets to this story. He cheated on me last summer & I accidentally guessed at it..I was right, he was shocked I found out. I told him pick her or me, if it’s is me, our reconciliation required certain things-STD Tests, no contact with this woman, etc. At first he told me there was no sex, but admitted to it a month later.

We were trying to reconcile fall 2019-March 2020.. he stated he had zero contact with this woman. He was at my house for many weekends...they were tough, I was so hurt that he cheated and betrayed me.

Fast forward To July, I look on his Facebook profile and there is a pic of him & the woman he cheated on me with...no text, no phone call, no voicemail, nothing....We are in our 50s....

I do not understand why someone would behave this way.

Opinions please. Thanks

Last edited by Littlepalm; Aug 29, 2020 at 10:05 AM. Reason: Spelling
Hugs from:
Anonymous49105, Bill3, Fuzzybear, RoxanneToto, Yaowen

advertisement
  #2  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 10:27 AM
Yaowen's Avatar
Yaowen Yaowen is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 3,770
Dear Littlepalm,

Oh, that is so heartbreaking! I wish I knew what to say to help ease the pain of that but my English is not very good. You deserve better.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
  #3  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 11:28 AM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Thank you Yao Wen,

It does break my heart... I find it very cruel. I could never do this, I have too much integrity.

Hugs,

Littlepalm
Hugs from:
Anonymous49105
  #4  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 11:44 AM
Rive. Rive. is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 3,011
Wow, lack of respect to say the least. I wonder if he even regrets what he did to you or he felt he got away with it. It seems he is not even trying to make it up to you.

I would kick him to the curb.
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
  #5  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 12:14 PM
RoxanneToto RoxanneToto is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
I know this probably won’t be much help, but the cheating wasn’t about you, though admittedly it’s so hard to not take it personally. I’m sorry, anyway, it really stings.
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
  #6  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 01:56 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Wow, lack of respect to say the least. I wonder if he even regrets what he did to you or he felt he got away with it. It seems he is not even trying to make it up to you.

I would kick him to the curb.
Thanks....I think it is atrocious behavior for a 57 year old professional man! We had problems during those 8 years....with 95%being due to his behavior. After the cheating, not just a one night stand, he pretended to be depressed...it makes me sick...and he appears “in love” with his new gf..

Regrets...no...he has blocked me from everything...I helped him raise his son..and we had a commitment...I am so sad..

Hugs.
Hugs from:
Bill3, lizardlady
  #7  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 02:00 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
I know this probably won’t be much help, but the cheating wasn’t about you, though admittedly it’s so hard to not take it personally. I’m sorry, anyway, it really stings.
Hugs RoxanneToto,

Thank you for replying. I know the cheating was not about me...he was probably thrilled a female found him attractive. It does sting. Why not be a decent human being and call me, text, communicate some way. I wonder if new gf knows what he did.

Oh, and she is not younger nor thinner, nor prettier than me.

Thank you.
Hugs from:
RoxanneToto
  #8  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 02:29 PM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
You feel devalued because he didn’t value you. You say you had problems due to his behavior throughout the relationship. It’s his bad character to hurt you by ending it this way. He has issues and is a self centered and immature man.

I hope you will be happier moving forward without him.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
greylove, lizardlady
  #9  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 02:36 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Thanks TishaBuv,

I know it shows very poor character to do what he did.....He has zero empathy, and I doubt if will show up now. He is faking it with the new gf as she is giving him a lot of sex, and wearing the clothing he likes in public...maybe he feels sexier?

I am 5’, 95 lbs....he was 5’11”, 220-240..& he had male breasts....I am just being honest. His hair is now white...he thinks he is Charlie Sheen from “2 1/2 Men”.

I can never speak with him again.
Hugs from:
TishaBuv
  #10  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 04:44 PM
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,287
Well it’s clear he only cares about himself. He will be this way with whomever he hooks up with. You are better off without this sleeezebag. There are guys out there capable of respecting and appreciating you. Now that you are free of this jerk you can look for a better partner.
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Rive.
  #11  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 06:04 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
*****trigger warning ****

Do you really think he will be this way, eventually with other people? I know he treated his wife terrible...
In fact he did not try to stop her from suiciding. Which I find horrific.
This is how he thinks of women, as I saw a message to a friend “those bi+($ need to get laid, that will fix them”. He has empathy for no one.

I cannot believe I wasted all of that time.
  #12  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 08:01 PM
Molinit Molinit is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 875
My opinion is that he's a coward.
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
  #13  
Old Aug 29, 2020, 08:56 PM
Rive. Rive. is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 3,011
People usually repeat patterns of behaviour. What is it they say... if you want to look at future behaviour, look at past behaviour as that tends to be a predictor of future behaviour.

I don't think he will change. He's getting his own way, so there is no incentive for him to change.

His needs and pleasure take priority and women merely seem to be objects to be used.
Thanks for this!
Littlepalm, Open Eyes
  #14  
Old Aug 30, 2020, 06:53 AM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
My opinion is that he's a coward.
Hugs Molinit-

I agree, he is a coward. If he told me, what was I going to do? Probably state some nasty truths or ask him some difficult questions, but in the end....he still was going to be with her, or was already with her. Maybe he cannot face his true self.

Last year when I learned of the cheating I said to him, “ I never thought you would cheat...your father cheated on your mother, and you saw how much it hurt her. (His mother was a very nice woman & treated him well). You are no better than your backstabbing father, whom you cannot stand...so take a look in the mirror and tell me what you see”.

I have no trouble looking myself in the mirror...I have a few mental problems-depression, anxiety, and CPTSD- and I am a good person with a great heart...

I am crying now because the kind people whom have answered this post, have treated me with more kindness and respect than he did...and I am a stranger to you all..

Hugs
Hugs from:
Anonymous49105, Open Eyes, TishaBuv
  #15  
Old Sep 01, 2020, 02:35 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,008
Has he said he is sorry? I dont think you should stay with him either way but I am curious if he made excuses to you?
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
  #16  
Old Sep 01, 2020, 02:50 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
No. Not a word except a text stating I had 10 days to get my own cellphone plane & he was sending me my belongings. Four giant boxes arrived. All of my clothing smelled musty, so the had to be in his basement for months.
Odd, he did not send me items he gave me..like a pink SONICARE toothbrush...but he did send me every single pair of under, including two which were not mine.

He is happy with his “new woman”. He should have spoken to me. I am so hurt.
  #17  
Old Sep 01, 2020, 05:12 PM
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,287
My guess is he will probably hurt this other woman too. This type tends to have a pattern. He is a user and just moves on to someone else once he gets bored.

I know it hurts to experience this kind of person. It’s not you either it’s his problem and just learn from this. There were red flags you missed.
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Littlepalm
  #18  
Old Sep 16, 2020, 07:36 AM
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,637
__________________
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Littlepalm
  #19  
Old Sep 16, 2020, 01:38 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
My guess is he will probably hurt this other woman too. This type tends to have a pattern. He is a user and just moves on to someone else once he gets bored.

I know it hurts to experience this kind of person. It’s not you either it’s his problem and just learn from this. There were red flags you missed.
Yes. There were giant red flags I missed, or ignored. I just cannot imagine treating someone so disrespectful. M hart is giant, and I always had his back...he does not have that any longer
  #20  
Old Sep 18, 2020, 12:20 PM
EagleTears EagleTears is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Littlepalm View Post
Thanks TishaBuv,

I know it shows very poor character to do what he did.....He has zero empathy, and I doubt if will show up now. He is faking it with the new gf as she is giving him a lot of sex, and wearing the clothing he likes in public...maybe he feels sexier?

I am 5’, 95 lbs....he was 5’11”, 220-240..& he had male breasts....I am just being honest. His hair is now white...he thinks he is Charlie Sheen from “2 1/2 Men”.

I can never speak with him again.

This part puzzled me... How do you know that this new GF of his is giving him lots of sex? Is he telling you this or do you talk with the new GF? Where did you get this information from? It could very well be false, and not true. A tool to use to hurt you even more.

Either way.... This man seems troubled. He doesn't know how to act like himself... instead has to portray a fictional character on a TV show. He has no intentions of ever staying faithful.

His lost and your gain. You were generous enough to accept this man for who he is... what he looks like.. and even go as far as to accept that he has a weight issue... yet he goes around and does this to you.


Stay strong
  #21  
Old Sep 18, 2020, 01:12 PM
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope Have Hope is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Littlepalm View Post
Hi-

I am so hurt and feel very devalued. I was dating someone over 8 years. There are many facets to this story. He cheated on me last summer & I accidentally guessed at it..I was right, he was shocked I found out. I told him pick her or me, if it’s is me, our reconciliation required certain things-STD Tests, no contact with this woman, etc. At first he told me there was no sex, but admitted to it a month later.

We were trying to reconcile fall 2019-March 2020.. he stated he had zero contact with this woman. He was at my house for many weekends...they were tough, I was so hurt that he cheated and betrayed me.

Fast forward To July, I look on his Facebook profile and there is a pic of him & the woman he cheated on me with...no text, no phone call, no voicemail, nothing....We are in our 50s....

I do not understand why someone would behave this way.

Opinions please. Thanks
I have a stance on cheating -- once someone cheats, I don't think they should ever be given a second chance. For me, that's it. Once is enough. and I will never be able to trust the person ever again.

So, this man? He showed you once before that he is not trustworthy. He showed you his willingness to cheat once, and then even worse, let you find out about it again in the most horrible way. His character is extremely flawed.

You deserved far better than how he treated you.

What you can learn from this is that once someone shows you their true colors earlier on, trust and believe what you are witnessing. You wanted to give him another chance, which is admirable, but the saying is true that "once a cheater, always a cheater".

This man's character is SO low. You yourself would never treat someone this way, I am sure.

So.. the other gemstone to take away? Thank the Lord you are no longer dealing with such a person of such low character. And he will certainly mistreat this new woman, just as he did you, and he will most likely cheat on her as well.

The pain of his betrayal will pass in time...... give it time, and know that you deserve someone of much stronger character who is HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY. This man is not.

Hugs to you.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Littlepalm
  #22  
Old Sep 18, 2020, 02:13 PM
Littlepalm Littlepalm is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Northeast
Posts: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I have a stance on cheating -- once someone cheats, I don't think they should ever be given a second chance. For me, that's it. Once is enough. and I will never be able to trust the person ever again.

So, this man? He showed you once before that he is not trustworthy. He showed you his willingness to cheat once, and then even worse, let you find out about it again in the most horrible way. His character is extremely flawed.

You deserved far better than how he treated you.

What you can learn from this is that once someone shows you their true colors earlier on, trust and believe what you are witnessing. You wanted to give him another chance, which is admirable, but the saying is true that "once a cheater, always a cheater".

This man's character is SO low. You yourself would never treat someone this way, I am sure.

So.. the other gemstone to take away? Thank the Lord you are no longer dealing with such a person of such low character. And he will certainly mistreat this new woman, just as he did you, and he will most likely cheat on her as well.

The pain of his betrayal will pass in time...... give it time, and know that you deserve someone of much stronger character who is HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY. This man is not.

Hugs to you.
Thank you Have Hope,

I agree with you.... When I found out, I should have stated, “it is over”. When I found out, before I called him..my heart started bouncing, i my stomach felt as if it was in my throat....horrible physical feelings...a trauma bond....
My mind had a flashback to when I was a child, yearning for my mother’s love....I have childhood trauma isssues....which I am trying to work on...

Yes, he showed me quite clearly how little he thought & felt of the eight years we spent together.

I am lucky I will never see or speak to him again..

Hugs,

LP
Hugs from:
Have Hope
  #23  
Old Sep 18, 2020, 02:24 PM
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope Have Hope is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Littlepalm View Post
Thank you Have Hope,

I agree with you.... When I found out, I should have stated, “it is over”. When I found out, before I called him..my heart started bouncing, i my stomach felt as if it was in my throat....horrible physical feelings...a trauma bond....
My mind had a flashback to when I was a child, yearning for my mother’s love....I have childhood trauma isssues....which I am trying to work on...

Yes, he showed me quite clearly how little he thought & felt of the eight years we spent together.

I am lucky I will never see or speak to him again..

Hugs,

LP


I have found that I have accepted far less than I deserve at times because of that same trauma bond and desire to be loved.

Once we heal that trauma bond, it's easier to not put up with any of the crap and nonsense.

So, I had someone once who cheated on me years ago, and I found out because I went through his phone one day. Then, after we broke up, he tried to cheat on HER with ME months later and wrote me love letters while he was with her. Well, she stuck with him even though I mailed those love letters TO HER, and she married him years later. Now, I find out (through him - he contacted me again years after being with her), that he was STILL cheating on her. And to this day? I am sure he is cheating on her, even after marrying her.

So, once a cheater, always a cheater. These types of men are despicable. It's a disgrace.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this kind of pain after 8 years of being together. But yes, be thankful you didn't marry him and find this out after more years together. I always try to find a silver lining, in every situation.

Hugs back to you.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Hugs from:
Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Littlepalm
  #24  
Old Sep 23, 2020, 11:54 PM
guy1111 guy1111 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hate to hear stories like this. 8 years is a long time. Makes my heart sink. I know how it feels to be cheated on multiple times. Very awful feeling. My heart goes out to you. You are a strong and brave person to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. It's good to vocalize this stuff so can grieve the loss of a relationship you thought would survive. Let it out so you can heal.

I know too how damaging it can be to your self esteem as well. You can't hear enough how beautiful, smart, and loving you are. You need to tell yourself this as much as you can. Do things that will build you up.

Take care!!
Hugs from:
Have Hope, Littlepalm
Thanks for this!
Littlepalm
  #25  
Old Nov 14, 2020, 12:40 PM
Prycejosh1987 Prycejosh1987 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 368
In this instance you need to set boundaries. You have to respect yourself, an ultimatums good but if your bluffing it wont work. Work on intimacy in your partnership.
Reply
Views: 1603

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:16 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.