Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

I'm starting a new thread. Here's the old one:

I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

So, we are not beginning divorce proceedings yet. I am trying to find either a pro bono lawyer, or second choice, a sliding scale lawyer.

I am unemployed, It's covid, and I am alone and isolated much of the time. I am becoming VERY depressed and I am anxious nearly every day.

He continues to lie to me, gaslight me, deny responsibility, and flip the tables on me via text. I try to limit conversations to just details about him moving out, or anything that is crucial, but now and again, I completely let loose on him out of anger, frustration and rage over his treatment towards me.

This has been going on for four weeks now. I caught him in an emotional affair four weeks ago, and that was the final straw that broke the camel's back. I have not physically seen him in over two weeks because I refuse to see him in person anymore. He is in the process of moving out. That will take through the end of Jan.

I am grieving the loss of something that I was confused and conflicted about - his episodes of abuse always were followed by loving behaviors, or what is called love bombing behavior. I became confused by the loving behaviors, and wanted for the longest time to believe he was actually a good man, aside from the abusive episodes and tactics. NOT TRUE.

And I had wanted to believe that I had found "the one".

However, now I see that he fed me lies from the moment we met - lies that I did not realize were lies until much much later - telling me that he is such a loving, caring, giving and faithful man.

We talked at least 100 times about the topic of fidelity. He KNEW given my past history with cheaters that this was the ONE thing he could do that would hurt me the MOST. HE KNEW.

He claims that after I called the police on him one night because I was drunk that that caused him to "act of out character", weakness, and anger. He knew, however, that it would cause tremendous harm to me - the worst harm he could ever cause me - and he did it anyways, in knowing this.

He also had cheated on his ex wife too, but lied to me about this for MONTHS and MONTHS. Then it came out that he kissed another woman, yet denied that this meant he cheated on his wife.

I have told him that a man of TRUE character would have just talked to me about being angry that I called the police. Instead, he acted in a sadistic manner - what - to get back at me?!!? To tell me "F" you for calling the police on me? I had actually called the police on him because he was raging at me yet again, and I was scared of him.

And so I've told him that I want a divorce. No one has filed for divorce yet. But as soon as I can land a lawyer I will.

What I am looking for is support around the abuse I've experienced from him - all the yelling, the insults, the cruelty, the control, the manipulations and the lies - I believe him to be a narcissist, so I believe I have suffered narcissistic abuse.

I am listening to podcasts on abuse. I am trying to work on my healing. But I am SO isolated that all I can do is be completely consumed by what has happened - by the abuse. It's all consuming.

Please help.. whatever kind of support you can provide is HUGELY appreciated.

Feel free to chat with me anytime! Sorry for your hard times. :/

Thank you for the offer - very kind of you.

I'm really suffering badly. This is ALL consuming for me. I am ruminating and I cannot change my focus. I have nothing going on in my life. Unemployed, alone and bored. I feel traumatized by the relationship and by what happened within the relationship - and it's all consuming. It's all I can think about.

Stay strong, Have Hope! It must be excruciatingly hard to go through what You're going through but i do Believe You've got this. Please keep posting here And remember that we're available if You want to talk, even through pm if You want to! SEnding Many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Have Hope, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks @MickeyCheeky.

It's SO hard right now. Excruciating is the word for it. And agonizing. Every single minute I am in sheer agony.

Somebody posted these links on a different thread. Free peer support chats

Support Groups Central | Live Online Peer Support Groups for Life's Challenges

Hey Peers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect

Thanks, @divine1966, I appreciate it.

There is a chat on PC. Emotional support is empty but casual chat is open. It’s a distraction

I would dominate the chat with wanting emotional support, lol. So that won't work, but thanks.

You can do it in emotional support chat, that’s what it’s for. It might not be empty later. But distraction could serve as emotional support too, I think

I’d try not to contact him anymore. It prolongs pain and puts him in a power seat.

Yeah.... I know this. I am trying, but it's really hard. I cannot text him any more of my anger as of today anyways, or else he won't reply. So I am forced to stop now.

You can ask for SomeOne in the public chat to go Emotional Support if You Want to!

Thanks, guys. I think I'd rather talk to my friends.. but thank you.

I spoke with my father, my sister and my cousin tonight. It helped. It helps to talk it out with family members especially. I also decided I am going to start camping out at my parents' home every couple of days. There is space for me to sit and work and not disturb them at all and we can be socially distant easily enough. That's my new plan. I need to get out of this isolation that I am in... it's making things far worse for me.

I woke up this morning and again noticed how large my apartment is now for just one person. It's crazy large. I will have to move at some point and downsize after I've landed a job.

And I woke up with a big sigh. He's not here - and he will never be in my life again. The last time we made love was the last time - almost a month ago. Ever look back on a relationship and think about when you last made love and how you did not realize it would be the last time?

I'm sad.

I also realize a serious problem I have - every time I've exited from a toxic or abusive relationship, I have tried hard to get that person to take ownership of their hurtful actions that broke up the relationship. I hammer it into them about what a s-h-i-t-ba-g they are and how they've wronged me. And what do I get out of that effort except for weak apologies, no apology, and no real ownership. I get denial and deflection of responsibility. So what's the point? There is none, except that I have this deep need to confront and let them have it. I don't get it.

Bashing him - or continuing to bash him - will not get me what I want from him. I DO want his TVs, his coffee maker, the silverware he left and the vacuum cleaner - all of these things cost money to replace - money I do NOT have. I've got to play nice from now on - OR at least polite.

I wrote this in my journal but I want to drop it here too as a reminder for myself:

Be glad that -

1. You no longer have to hear his baby talk - that grew OLD
2. You don't have to stroke his ego constantly - good job, great job honey, well done, you rock
3. You don't have to run downstairs to get HIS laundry for him in the morning
4. You don't have to hear him say (in his annoying BABY VOICE) first thing after you've woken up "I want muffins! Can we go back to muffins as soon as I get home?"
5. That you are no longer being physically RESTRAINED in bed - not allowed to get up from bed WHEN YOU WANT TO
6. That you don't have to appease HIM every morning by staying in bed cuddling because HE needs you to for "five" or "ten more minutes"
7. That you do not have to wait for him all the time: to finish his video game, smoke a bowl, to decide on a restaurant, to smoke a cigarette before and after walking into stores, to find his keys, his wallet or his phone, to run back into the house because he forgot something - you were constantly being made to wait ON HIM.
8. That you no longer have to say "oh.. poor baby" for any physical ailment he has that day
9. That you no longer have to give him money or your credit card to COVER HIM because he cannot budget
10. That you no longer have to deal with his belittling, mean, cutting so called "jokes" made at your expense
11. That you no longer are being told that you are doing something the WRONG WAY. Your way of doing things IS PERFECTLY FINE.
12. That you CAN go ROLLER BLADING, SKIIING, HIKING, SAILING, WALKING, BIKING, KAYAKING…. All the activities that he held you back from being able to do and enjoy
13. That you CAN go to the beach as much as you want and like - he didn't like the beach
14. That you CAN eat healthy foods again - and choose your diet. LOSE the extra weight that you've put on since being with him
15. That you have NOT had eating disorder symptoms SINCE HE LEFT
16. That you no longer have to QUESTION yourself or DOUBT yourself OR him because you now know that your gut was CORRECT all along - he is NOT trustworthy!!!!!
17. That you no longer have to clean up after him, or remind him to clean up, or remind him to do his laundry
18. Him saying repeatedly that he looks like ODONAS! How egotistical and narcissistic can he be?

It hurts that it did not work out - it's incredibly SAD. And I am taking out all of my pain and anger ON HIM. Rightfully so, given what he did and has done - but it's time to pack up that bag, seal it and let it float somewhere else, and away from me.

Time to just face the fact that it did not work out and that it's a painful ending to a relationship. It's a loss - of something I desperately wanted in my life - a lifelong partnership. It's a loss of love. It's the death of love. And the love I got is not the kind of love I want and need. It was unhealthy love.

BUT, love CAN be reborn in another. Perhaps there IS hope for someone else to come along. Perhaps I WILL find love again… and next time, with someone more worthy of my heart, my energy and my life.

Perhaps I am coming to a greater place of acceptance, yet I feel the deep sadness of it all. He has been my companion after all for the last three years.

And I don't want to live in regret. I told him I regretted ever meeting him, ever giving him a chance, and that I regretted marrying him. The bottom line is: it's a tremendous disappointment. I am disappointed in HIM as a person, and I am disappointed in myself for not listening to my GUT early on.

But like I wrote above, I really don't want to live in regret. It's wasted energy and all it does is produce sadness over one's life choices. I made the choice to marry him, in knowing beforehand that he's abusive. I wanted to give it a chance. And I did - and it proved to me that yes, he's abusive and yes, I must leave him.

Is anyone out there? I think I am posting to myself, lol. Maybe this different thread was a bad idea? I don't know.

I proposed to him today that we file for divorce jointly, an uncontested no fault divorce. If we can agree on a few points that need to be written up in the divorce agreement, it can be uncontested. A contested divorce would be more expensive and would drag out for a longer time. I want this to end and quickly.. and for as little money as possible.

I may need to see him in person on Sunday - we're supposed to discuss the divorce details on that day, and he's coming to the apartment to pick up some things. I haven't seen him in like 3 weeks? I am concerned that he will try to argue me out of a divorce if I do see him. He has said several times now that I am not willing to try to fix things or get help. I could see him pulling a guilt trip on me for divorcing without getting professional help first.

I AM throwing in the towel. For me, the relationship has run its course and there's no point in seeing a professional together. All they would say is "you must separate".

I am incredibly sad today. It's not anguish and agony today - it's pure sadness.

The only bright spot is I ordered a beautiful Christmas tree from Amazon which should arrive today. That will bring some cheer into this empty home.

Uncontested divorce is always the best. There’s nothing to contest here as the only thing people contest is custody of children and property/major financial obligations, which isn’t the case here. Of course people could argue about forks and spoons but no lawyers want to get into petty stuff.

I’d try not to meet with him in person. No need to discuss divorce details in person. Over the phone is just fine imho

True. And thanks.

Yeah, I really don't know about meeting him in person right now. Since I am nervous and anxious about it, perhaps a discussion by phone (or even text) is better.

My abuse advocate would probably advocate for not seeing him in person, based on our safety plan.

In my list that I provided about what I no longer have to deal with from him?

He had made a comment a few times about how he is an Adonis - he would have his shirt off and would make the comparison of himself to Adonis. PUKE. He is overweight, he has a tire around his waist and a belly, and he thinks he looks like Adonis? Get real. SO narcissistic!!!!

SO... I think I have turned a corner!

I hope!!!

I feel SLIGHTLY better. I am no longer being ruled by my anger and rage, which was fueling me and propelling me to still engage with him and to confront him with the truth of the matter from my perspective.

I am now more fully accepting this divorce and the sad reality of the relationship ending - for the last 3 weeks, I think I was taking out all my pain on him over this needing to end now. Then it hit me yesterday that I must accept this new reality, which is I am divorcing him and I have chosen to leave him.

Once I realized this, I felt more empowered. It's MY choice. It's MY decision. And I am doing what is best and right FOR ME. And he cannot and will not be able to talk me out of it.

What I am dealing with now is REGRET - regret over not ending it far sooner and before we got married. I saw and knew of the abuse then.

As I had written previously though, I don't really believe in living with any regrets.

So how do I overcome my current regret?