Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Keeping a journal can help. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. xo I (also) regretted not leaving earlier, but I told myself that I did what I did....when I was able to.....I don't blame myself.....that is just useless.

Thank you @Marie123.

I do keep a journal and write in it nearly every day now. I am also listening to lots of podcasts on the abusive relationship and specifically on narcissistic abuse, since that's what I suffered.

Someone (a woman) on my Facebook abuse group said this, and it resonates:

"Past you was doing her best, and was growing. Growing into the person she was meant to be, more confident, more willing to stand up for herself. She did what she could with the skills and knowledge she had then, and she tried to make the best of it. You are so brave for going through all of that. Past you would be so proud of present you for surviving all the bad days so far."

I also wanted the fairytale. I was 48, never been married, had 2-3 broken prior engagements and I really wanted to get married. He presented a version of the fairytale to me, and I didn't want (at the time) to ruin it.

The truth is:

I wanted my long awaited vacation. I made a conscious decision that I could not deal with a breakup back then - I could not face at the time another failed engagement and another massive let down on the heels of another broken engagement. I could not face the shame of the social buzz that would ensue - the shame of saying how ridiculously happy we were, and then having to suddenly break it off just days before the wedding. I could not face it back then.. I was not strong enough to handle it, so I pushed forward with the marriage.

I JUST bought my 1st concert tickets knowing that my husband won't be going with me - it's a concert in May. We'll see if it actually happens then due to covid, but I bought the tix now in case it sells out. It's a concert that normally my husband and I would attend together. This is SO weird. I asked a girlfriend to go instead.

This thread is not very hopping with activity. Maybe my OP was too long. I don't know.

I wish I could just get a little more support around all this.... I'm still struggling.

I think sometimes people might not know what to say if it’s not a specific question. Or might not want to say something to upset you further. It’s a delicate topic. I personally don’t want to say something wrong. I do like to give practical advice. When it’s warranted.

Thanks for your feedback! I've been wondering what it is... I don't think I get upset over people's posts too often, do I? You and I have always worked it out whenever we've butted heads.. as you know, I've always appreciated your own posts and help with all this!

Divorce sucks and there’s not much one can say to help it through.

Just got to get it done as fast as possible and move on. I’d spend as little time as possible talking to him or seeing him as there is no need to establish a new mode of communication or particular civility. Just get over with so to speak. You’ll feel better when it’s filed and you have a job.

I wonder what you said when he wanted to be compared to Adonis. I thought I heard it all. That’s a new low. Unless he was joking. If he was serious, I don’t find such vanity in men attractive. He is one weird dude

True enough......

Yes, all will be better once I am working and once the divorce is finalized. I hope.

I never replied to him when he compared himself to Adonis. I was too in shock. SInce he's said it several times, I don't think he was joking.

You have a lot of restraint and patience. It would be hard not to laugh. Even if he looked like Greek God. Haha That's probably why he thought women should pay his way. Because he thinks he is so gorgeous and he thought it was so important. hahah

You put up with a lot of nonsense from him. Time for a new life

I wish I had laughed! He caught me by surprise each and every time.

I do need a new life!

I think I am coming to a place of greater self acceptance, self forgiveness and self compassion.

This is with regards to having made the decision to marry him despite knowing it was abuse. I knew days before the wedding - and faced a decision then. Then I faced a decision again on the morning of our wedding when he blew up at me again. I consciously made the decision both times to move forward with our plans.

I had been kicking myself all this time for having done that. I know I've written already about this, but it's very important to my recovery... forgiving myself for marrying him when I already knew there was abuse, that he is abusive and that it was going to be rocky.

I now realize that I wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to handle a breakup right then and there. I could not face or allow another failed engagement. I did not wish to face the social fallout and I did not want to ruin our vacation plans or lose 7K of my money that I had committed.

But I KNEW - I knew and I saw it then. So I have to forgive myself for making a decision that has caused me more harm in the end. I have endured a LOT from him all this time. He has caused SO much stress for me and upset.

It took a year and a half to get to this point of being able to break it off with him - out of sheer necessity. I was pushed to a breaking point last July, and now again, in Nov. His infidelity may be a blessing in disguise - had he not done that, it's very possible I could have allowed him to talk me into staying longer and giving him more of a chance. Now there's NO chance.

My head and thoughts are still very focused on my husband. I have been anxious and concerned that he is now with that other woman, which bugs me to no end to think that he is. I know I know.... let her have him because he's a train wreck and will abuse her, too. I know this. It's just SO hard to be COMPLETELY ALONE myself, while thinking that he could be hooking up with HER now - before we're even divorced. I do not know if they are, but it's the thought and possibility which is killing me. And it HURTS.

Please....... people... please support me. I am alone in this.

He just tried telling me that I am the only one who has told him he treats women poorly - BS!

I fought back and it ended in an F you and F off on my end.

Like hell,

Oh of course he says you are the only one. He is full of it. What about him having all kinds of issues with ex. Please. Bet she had all the same issues. Plus who cares about other women?

Maybe he was too scared to treat them poorly or they’d stop paying for him.

I don’t really care how a man treated other women as long as he treats me the way it works for me.

Did he steal other women credit cards and charge without permission too?

Did he yell at them on his wedding day and demanded they buy him gifts and give him money for drugs? Did he use illegal drugs to get through his own wedding day with them too? Who cares how he treated who

Who cares how he treated other women and what they said about it. It’s irrelevant to you and your situation.

I don’t have anything helpful to say, but hang in there!

Thanks @TishaBuv!

I am sure he has abused every woman he's been with. He claims that only I accuse him of treating women poorly - BS!

I am sure that he abused his ex wife of 14 years. yet she doesn't yet realize it was abuse. She refuses to talk to me, he says. I am guessing that she is as toxic as he is, and that she blames herself for his abuse somehow - I don't think she realizes to this day that it was abuse, and that's why she refuses to speak with me about it, and that's why she is still in touch with him AND his family.

Da....n, you hate this guy.

How can you be sure? Did you live with them for 14 years? She doesn't notice the abuse? Abuse is a pretty big deal, she would notice, I bet... She is as toxic as him or is she a victim like you? It doesn't add up. I think you've lost your objectivity.

I contacted his ex to speak with her about his abuse, and she wants nothing to do with me. So I assume she is in denial. She also continues to be in touch with him and asked him twice to come over to fix her TV in the last couple years.

He's very good at turning the blame around and at making accusations to make it seem the other person is at fault.

He claims his ex abused HIM. He claims she even hit him. I am betting that he's the one who hit her. All abusers try to accuse their partner of abuse when they're the one abusing. My husband tried to do that with me too.

Hell, I just learned that he actually recorded me yelling at him the night I called the police. GREAT. He's probably showing it to his friends and family is my guess.

He is begging again with me. We texted a bit last night and this morning. He says he wants to come home. He's begging for forgiveness.

I am not bending. I told him he's blown it with me.

This is the time when abusers easily weasel their way back in - after the woman leaves and starts missing him and then starts blocking out the abusive aspects of the relationship because she misses the good parts. I've read about this being a very vulnerable time for a victim of abuse.. I am trying really hard to maintain the course and to not let him sway me.

He recorded you? Great.

It doesn’t matter what happened in his marriage. He’ll likely tell people that you were abusive too. He now has recordings of it. I’d not give any thought on his ex marriage. Not relevant

I think you both talking to each other right now opening up possibility of a very toxic cycle. Could you try to stop talking to him or it’s too hard?

It’s too hard not to talk sometimes.

Yes he recorded me!!!

His begging is making this harder. Much harder. Ugh. It's tugging on my heart strings... him saying he wants to "come home". I feel like I'm living in a movie. Except it's MY movie. So basically I've kicked him out of our home. I know he's regretful of his actions, but there is so much more. I could never trust him again. And he's abusive. How could I possibly continue in this relationship with him? Even if he were willing to get help, it's not going to change him. He needs like TEN years of individual therapy - PLUS, he's a narcissist, and he won't even know this OR realize this about himself. There's no point.

And yes, I suppose for a minute I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. It's not easy when he begs and pleads with me, telling me how "profoundly" miserable he is without me.

Well while it appears as he is begging, he also remains kind of nasty and accusatory. He doesn’t accept responsibility and blames you for what happened.

I don’t see how it expect it to work? It can’t possibly work after all the nasty things said, police involved and things recorded and him courting other women. And it’s after only a year and half of marriage. That’s not normal or common at all to have that much drama that early on

A lot of the things could be overcome in a relationships but I can’t imagine getting back together after all this. If getting back together is not possible I see no point in daily conversations and continuous fights.

I also suspect that he has an agenda. If he was truly remorseful and truly begging he’d never blame you or continue aggravating you. He doesn’t have a plan B, like having a new woman secured or plan on how to leave on his terms so he wants back until he does have a plan. Then he’ll leave on his terms.

I also wonder what’s he telling people. He left because how you behave and he has recordings. You promised to be good so he might return. He probably told his parents that. He’ll come back and aggravate you again until you blow up and he will have a proof that you are unstable

I’d stop these talks with him. If he tends to record you, he is probably recording when you are cussing at him over the phone or yelling. I’d never trust him.