Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

YEP - it's just yet another manipulation tactic. He is trying anything and everything possible right now to convince me not to divorce AND/OR to keep my name on his car lease for the duration of the lease.

I love it - doesn't pass your smell test. LOL! You're so great.

I bet he is just buttering me up. Of course, I took it as sincere, being the trusting person I am. But I bet you're right - it's just YET ANOTHER tactic.

I should be more on top of this!

Well this man is conniving. I’d not say that “men” are conniving. That’s a stretch. Some men AND women are conniving. No need to bash men in general

Well he does know it was wrong on logical level. I mean it’s common sense. But does he sincerely feel remorse? I doubt it. But see that’s what loss of trust means. You can’t trust (and it’s understandable as he is a liar!) that what he says is the truth and how would you have marriage with him? You’d never trust him again

Exactly - I do not know if he feels genuine remorse. I'm guessing he's just mad and remorseful for getting busted.

This is what I responded with:

You finally said it - that no matter how hurt you were, you never should have hurt me back in the worst way that you knew how. Thank you. I have important things to get done today. So goodbye.

What he is saying is incorrect. His lawyer cannot represent both sides or mediate between the two of you. It is a conflict of interest the law doesn't allow. His lawyer will only represent him. For mediation, you need a qualified, 3rd party, mediation person. In my state, they are licensed as such. Be strong. The ride is about to begin.

Save all text and email and avoid phone conversations.

Lawyer can represent both. I know it’s being done. It only works if people mutually agree on stuff and have each other’s and mutual interest at heart. It’s unusual but could be done. Not in hope’s situation though as her husband is a schemer

Yeah, my husband is scheming and is trying to work things in his favor. So I need a lawyer in this case.

Oh, ok. I stand corrected. It's not the case in Oregon.

Also, my husband is trying EVERY single angle he possibly can and is VERY manipulative. I don't trust his intentions whatsoever when he tells me I do not need a lawyer - he wants me to keep my name on the car I leased for him for the full duration of this lease, which ends in July 2022! I refuse to do so, so I need my lawyer to negotiate this with his lawyer - I cannot do this myself because my husband has a way of getting his way with me every time.

Ok, does this ring true to you????

This morning and for the last month, Iv'e gotten from him "I can't live without you", "I'm broken without you", etc etc. And then there was a sudden change between this morning and this afternoon whereby he later declared "I don't want to be married anymore to you either".

He states it's because I am continuously rejecting HIM by constantly saying "no".

But now he's within hours loving me, can't live without me, then rejecting me?

How can he be rejecting you when you said you are done with him. He just talking crap. “It doesn’t matter what you want. I am done with you. How you feel about me being done with you is irrelevant to me. Good bye”

It's more immature tit for tat playground behavior. You reject me? So I will reject you back!

This is what I wrote to him last - LOL.

You dragged me down financially, emotionally and mentally. I feel a LOT better since you’ve left my life, I feel a LOT more like my true, happy go lucky and real self. I am far happier. So I thank you for leaving. Thank you.

I forgot to mention you dragged me down physically too - now I can do all the things I love again - kayaking, roller blading, skiing, hiking, SAILING, camping. Thank you for giving me back myself.

I also wrote this, in following the above texts:

I know you’ll move on fast to someone else. Because that’s what a narcissist does. It’s called narcissistic supply. You cannot live without someone constantly stroking your fragile ego and fawning over you, thinking and telling you how incredibly awesome you are. Get over yourself and grow the **** up. Go to therapy and face the fact that you have narcissistic personality disorder. And that you’re going to **** up any relationship in the future because you’re severely abusive and a narcissist. Your parents did you a HUGE disservice. Your father is abusive and your mother over indulged you. But you’ll never admit to this and you’ll never get help. And you will end up alone in the end. I will find a healthy relationship. Good luck!!!

Ok - I lost it again on him.

All he said to me was that he agreed with the divorce, and that he doesn't want to be married now to me either.

What got to me was the very quick turnaround in his thinking - he went from begging and pleading in the morning, to I don't want to be married to you either by the afternoon.

So I went bananas on him.

WHY? WHY did this get to me SO much? WHY did this upset me SO much? I am not asking for answers - I am asking myself.

It felt like I got the narcissistic discard all of a sudden, and it hurt me - maybe that was his intention once again - to hurt me? I feel like that's the real truth of the matter. That he said this in order to hurt me further.

I am NOT happy with how I reacted. I basically went ballistic on him all over again.

The feeling of the break up was one’s fault or mutual, all the rehashing of the fight, is an instinctual thing to want to do for closure.
In a divorce- ‘I am done with you and how you feel is irrelevant’ That says is honestly all there is to it. Divorce is cold and sometimes cruel.

One of you has to file for divorce. If you already gave a deposit to a lawyer, you should just file. Then he has to respond and will use his own lawyer. You do not care at that point about how, why, when, what he does.

We are supposed to file jointly. I believe. And I don't think my $500 legal fee covers filing for divorce. It covers negotiating points in the divorce agreement only. I can ask my lawyer if we can file for divorce, I suppose - it can't hurt right?

I think you should file before him and have separate lawyers. He will manipulate everyone, not just you.

I just asked my lawyer if my fee can include filing for divorce too.

We do have separate lawyers now. I finally hired one. YAY!

It's New Years Eve day - I recall last year on this day my husband and I had a HUGE fight. It almost ruined the new year for us. We made up at like 10 PM and hung out celebrating for a couple hours. He always managed to ruin practically every holiday and family gathering for me.

This eve, I will go to my parents' home for a couple hours to hang out. I have no one to celebrate with tonight except for myself. I am going to make the best of it though. Party of one coming up! LOL.

He said that he doesn’t want to be married not because he changed his thinking but because he wanted you to hurt and because he is manipulative. He knew that if he says it to you, you’ll get upset and will continue this marathon. And maybe he even hoped that it would make you want his attention because you feel rejected. It made him feel good. He doesn’t tell you want he thinks, he tells you things that get a reaction and lead to a desirable outcome for him

It’s like you still buying things he is telling you

You're right - I am STILL buying into some things he says. What is wrong with me? Why can't I look at him and everything he says now with total skepticism? It's engrained in me or something to believe him.

That sounds like a very good summary of what actually occurred. My gut feeling says it was another attempt at manipulation - I need to trust my gut!

Luckily, I gave him the opposite reaction than probably what he wanted from me. LOL. Even though I DID get upset, I also told him that I am FAR happier now without him, that I wasted the last 3 years of my life with him, and that he dragged me down in every way.

Probably not what he expected to hear.

Good point that you fought almost every single holiday. Your holidays were often ruined because of it. It might be a good change, not to have to fight on holidays

My husband works on New Years Eve and covid is too rampant here so I’d not be going anywhere. I’ll be home alone too. Well I am not big on celebrating New Years because I fall asleep before midnight no matter how much I try!

Enjoy your time without fighting, plenty of enjoyable things to do.