Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Thanks.

And I know - that's my goal.

He's being such a bastard. I want nothing to do with him after this. He better freaking get his stuff out in the next week and 1/2. Once all his crap is out, I will have no reason to really talk to him. I just need him to get the divorce paperwork done so we can file for divorce ASAP.

He's saying he's done too now. Once again, he's trying to be in agreement with me when this whole time he's been pleading with me and trying to manipulate me back into the relationship.

I told him great, and get the hell out of my life.

There is no reason for soon to be exes or exes talking to each other unless they have children. Of course you could be on talking terms so if you run into him in a grocery store you can say hello. Not talking doesn’t mean being nasty. But other than that there is really nothing to talk about. My ex husband is not a bad guy and we get along but we only maintained connection throughout the years because of our daughter and he is the father of my daughter’s younger siblings. We keep in touch only for that reason. Otherwise we’d have no reason and no interest to ever talk. What about?

I hate him. This is no longer a friendly relationship - that lasted about a week.

It' s a very contentious divorce. He is a manipulative conniving asshole.

I loathe him and want NOTHING to do with him after this. There will be zero reason for us to be in touch, and I don't intend to maintain ANY contact with such a con man. He disgusts me. He is the most despicable man I have ever encountered. I am seething with hatred for him right now - I just want him out of my life for good. He can go rot in hell for all I care. He has turned every ounce of love I ever had for him into pure hatred.

This divorce and moving out process is really wearing on me.

He texted last night about filing for taxes together and offered to split his refund with me. He's trying anything he can to see me in person. I said no, I plan on filing in April, and we may be divorced by then - maybe. I want to wait until April and I said I wanted to file as married but filing separate. He then asked if married filing jointly would be more advantageous and I said I don't know yet. He claims he made 100K - I think before taxes. I think he's lying. He was supposed to make close to 90K, not 100K.

And after we fought the other day he says he wants to be friends - yeah, right. Once he's moved out, I have NO intentions of being "friends".

I woke up bitter about his infidelity. I am just really worn out by all of this. I need for it to be over already. It's been 2 months of this crap.

I wouldn’t call being upset and angry about the consequences of his infidelity “bitterness” (apologies if I already posted a similar comment here, but I think it bears repeating, especially with the prevailing cultural narratives around cheating that tend to favour - mostly the males - perps). I’d call it righteous anger for being put in a position where divorce was even something you’d consider. The whole thing is unfair on you (because none of it, aside from initiating divorce as a consequence of his choices, was your choice) and you’re entitled to be angry about it.

This story is forever a complete puzzle for me. How can someone making 90k is asking his wife for money every month? Couldn’t pay for his wedding? Couldn’t buy engagement ring with his own money? And can’t afford to hire movers? Cant afford to travel? Doesn’t have a penny saved? It’s not like he raised kids or something. Him not being good with money or having bankruptcy just isn’t explaining it. It has to be drugs that eating his salary. And it can’t be just pot and alcohol, although those are expensive. It has to be something more substantial, at least occasional heavy drug/cocaine use. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’d not give a penny to people who make 90k of 100k because I’d likely enable drug or other bad and dangerous habits.

That’s why you do taxes with tax accountant. You ask them which way is more advantageous and they will show you

Are lawyers milking you both for money, what the explanations for.not filing for divorce. This is so ridiculous

@RoxanneToto, thanks so much.

I like how you put it - righteous anger. Perfectly stated!

He tried to tell me the other day that it was RUDE of me to tear up all our printed pictures. Well, it was rude of HIM to be unfaithful!!! I couldn't believe he even tried to claim this to me.

I know - it doesn't add up. I do know he spends several hundred dollars each time he buys weed for himself. And as we already know, he likes to live large. And when I say large, he'll spend money meant for important things on fine dinners out at a steakhouse - he'll spend over $200 on a nice dinner with insurance money meant to fix the dent on his car, for example.

I really don't know if he was doing cocaine the whole time we were together. I think I would have noticed. There's only so long one can hide a habit like that. And coke addicts are always sniffling... and the white powder shows in their nose hairs. I know this.

It's very possible he went back to a former habit. I think he had more of a habit with cocaine before we got together than I even knew about.

My own lawyer tried to milk me for more money even though he hadn't even made a phone call yet on my behalf to my husband's lawyer. He had written one single email so far and left one message for $500! Then he tried to milk me for $400 per hour when he failed to follow up with the other lawyer regarding the car lease. I am pissed. So it's my own lawyer's fault that filing for divorce has been delayed this long.

That's what I get for hiring a cheap lawyer.

IF I could, I would pay a lawyer the $1500 retainer to draw up the paperwork and file for divorce right now, but I am still on meagre unemployment benefits, I do not get my 1st paycheck until Feb 15th from my new job, and a good portion of my 1st paycheck has to go to expensive bills I must pay. Come March, I need to put away 2K per month in order to move out by Sept 1. I just worked out with my landlord that I will move residences by Sept 1. I have to save at least 6K or so in order to move out. So I have plans.....

So I have no choice right now but to stick with the a-hole cheap lawyer I hired given my finances and plans ahead. My husband tells me the paperwork should be completed next week in order to file for divorce. But, my lawyer and myself will need to review the divorce agreement 1st. Then I think I need to submit my own financial paperwork along with it so we can file.

Yes, it's taking forever, but what other options did I have? I didn't want to break into my bank loan in order to hire an expensive lawyer and go deeper into debt. I already have high debt, and my plan is to pay it all off within the next year. Then start saving for retirement. I refuse to go deeper into debt because of this freaking divorce.

The lawyer didn’t even call anybody yet all this time? He is dragging his feet

Yeah from what I heard daily pot usage costs hundreds of dollars a month I forgot he also eats out daily. Even if it’s eating cheaply, it would make one go broke if it’s every day and possibly more than once a day.

This needs to be expedited one way or the other

Nope - he said two weeks ago that he would call my husband's lawyer about the car lease, and he never called him. I am LIVID over that. If I leave this lawyer, he may try to keep the $500 I already paid.

As it is, there is not much for him left to do. I already worked out the car lease all on my own. All my lawyer needs to do is review the divorce agreement and negotiate any additional points that come up.

And yes, my husband smokes a LOT of weed, so it's an expensive habit.

I know it's not ideal, but as I outlined above, I really cannot afford to hire another lawyer.

Him continuing to lean on the police as an excuse for his infidelity is total bs. I just remembered that after that incident he was totally love bombing me while he was hot in pursuit of HER. If He had truly been angry with me about calling the police, he wouldn’t have been love bombing me. He would have acted pissed off and distant. He’s soooooo full of it!

Do I confront him on this or leave it be and not bother? He’ll just lie even more and will deny it.. maybe there’s no point.

I see no point confronting him. You are divorcing so it makes no difference. He’ll lie anyways

He was love bombing maybe because he was in good spirits as he was courting other woman and she was giving him attention, it made him feel god so he was feeling all happy jolly. I’ve read somewhere that some cheaters act distant but some are actually acting all enamored with their spouses and so much into them because they are in good spirits due to love interest on a side. Sadly some want more intimacy at home because they are excited over someone else. Lots of cheaters don’t act turned off or distant with their spouses when they cheat, it’s often quite the opposite. That’s why it often comes as an ambush.

Oh god... if that’s true I’m going to be absolutely sick. He was potentially acting crazy about me and wanting to make love because he was excited about someone else instead? Wow that hurts. I’m going to puke now. That pierces my heart. I cannot imagine that being true.

He certainly has been pouring out his feelings trying to save the relationship for 2 months. I’m going to choose to believe that even though it’s because he needs someone it’s also because there are true feelings there. I’m going to also choose to believe he cheated because he was afraid I was going to leave him so he was lining up the next victim.

I’m also choosing to believe he cheated because his ego needed boosting after I seriously threatened to divorce him and leave him.

Personally I just think when relationship isn’t working, it is not working and who did what and why becomes kind of secondary and you will never really have an answer. You’ll just drive yourself crazy. It’s important to remember that you wanted to end it many times in the course of this relationship and it had nothing to do with cheating. It just wasn’t right. So you could choose to believe that it just wasn’t working and not drive herself crazy over why he did and what he did.

If you do plan on staying together, then it’s important to analyze what happened. Otherwise it might be better to focus on “this just was not working”.

Honestly healthy relationships with addicts/daily substance abusers aren’t possible. I tried with alcoholic. Wasn’t working. They can be the best people and still it will not be healthy relationship. If someone needs to be high daily, they can’t have healthy relationship. Unless of course they seek recovery.

So try not to worry why he texted that woman. It’s not relevant plus he is high every day, he likely did it all high. So we are back to square one. He is an addict. Hence it’s not working

True enough - but he's not only an addict. He's an abusive raging narcissist. He has many more problems and issues than just being an addict.

But you're right - I've wanted to leave him many times over and for all of the above issues.

I'm just not buying his side of the story is all. I call more BS. But of course he wants to and has to make ME partially responsible for HIS decision to cheat. That's what makes me the most upset - so I protest against these claims and I tell him that the police is a BS excuse and reason for what he did. I tell him it was HIS choice and conscious decision to cheat on me.

You can’t make him admit anything or accept your point of view. It’s exercise in futility. You can’t make him to hire movers and move his stuff out even though you gave him money for it. How can you make him admit anything. No amount of fighting with him is going to accomplish anything

This is not a court of law where fault and blame matter. You don’t have to agree with him or buy anything at all but I don’t see where is this protesting leads you except prolonging these texting drama and keep communication going. You know what happened. Doesn’t matter what he says.

Focus on starting a new job and clearing your mind and hurry up your lawyer to get divorce going. Don’t talk to him

Yep - I cannot get him to admit to anything - all he does is lie and try to blame me, regardless. It IS a futile effort. And yes, all talking does is prolong the drama and I really need the drama to end now. I am so sick of it. Around and around we go, getting nowhere with the same argument.

I just spoke with my mother about him.

THANK GOD I was SMART enough to NOT agree to pay off all his debt with the first bank loan I took out!!!!!!!!!

That's what he wanted me to do with the money! That loan specifically was taken out to cover him with reduced hours at work and to make up for any loss of income because the bastard works on commission only. SO what does he try and do? He tried to next get me to use the WHOLE of that bank loan, meant for emergency purposes ONLY, to pay off ALL HIS DEBT, which then would have turned into DEBT IN MY NAME!

What a bastard!!!!!!!!!!!

My mother is convinced he married me for my money and my good credit. I think it's a mixture, but I think he saw that he could get something financially out a marriage with me, so he pushed it. So, yeah, while I truly believe he also had true feelings of love towards me, that he in part also used me. He certainly took advantage as best as he could of me in the financial sense.

But thank goodness I was adamant about not using that 1st loan to pay off HIS freaking debt. What an a-hole.

Wow. He asked you to pay his debt? Take bank loans?

What’s with bank loans. I never took bank loans in my life and I had some struggles in life and then some. Whenever I had pay cut or not enough income, I took a second job. And I never made the kind of money your husband makes.

When he had reduction of hours or wanted his debt paid he had to take a second job like the rest of decent human beings. Not ask women to take loans for him. Instead of playing video games and smoking pot he had to go work. I don’t get this. Please never support men financially anymore. This is crazy. Soon after meeting you, he asks for money. This is beyond red flag. It’s a red banner. Jeez.

I agree! My criteria for my next man is that he earns MORE than I do, is highly successful AND ambitious! I now will refuse to date anyone who earns less than me. And I refuse to be the breadwinner and the one financially paying for everything. Never again!!