[kittykatheartlove]

I have been a plus size girl all my life, 200lbs, but portioned with big boobs and hips. I joined a dating site a couple months ago, but it seemed that guys that matched me only wanted hookups or they were creepy. But met a guy and we talked for a few weeks in texts and phone calls for hours a night, and made plans to meet. The night before he said he 425lbs. Since we made plans, we went out. He is very round with a lot of extra pounds on his front and back, legs are heavy but a lot smaller than his torso. Think ex hs and college football athletes. But I really like him, he has a cute face (why I swiped right) and I usually go by if I can look in their eyes and want to see that forever, it doesn't matter body shape. But, idk if I can ever be physically attracted to him. He's definitely a 9.5 out of 10 for compatibility. Similar life stories, childhoods, marriages, we like the same things. We both have c-ptsd and can relate a lot about that. He's patient and kind. His hobbies even align with mine. Only thing I took a half point from is because he's a little too quick to want a relationship. He's already told his boss and friends about me and how happy he is we met.

He had gastric bypass years ago, and he lost 180 lbs. He exercises, so I know he's working on losing more weight. He's so eager, I got him to cut I his mountain dew intake from 6-16 Oz bottles to 2 a day, and we replaced it with water. He's been single for a couple years, since his divorce. So he wasn't taking good care of himself, now he's more determined to get healthier- because of me he said.

I never in my mind thought I'd "judge" by body type, I feel so guilty. I'm so confused. Do I go with my heart and hope I'll live him enough eventually to look past it, or end things now before it gets too serious? Ugh! Big sigh!

[divine1966]

Well I personally don't care about looks and I believe attraction comes from within, chemistry comes from emotional connection for me. Not looks. Plus looks fade. On the other hand if there is no attraction at all then it might never be there.

Talking about weight, I’d be only worried about health concern of excessive weight. It causes health problems but if he is trying to lose and eat better, it’s all good. It wouldn’t stop me

How long you’ve been dating? I’d say if it’s been steady going out for months and you feel no attraction, it might not be there. If it’s been only few dates, you don’t really know where it’s going and you should give it time

[kittykatheartlove]

We've been talking a month, met last week for a few hours. I had a great time. Maybe I'm just scared to get into another relationship? All my past relationships turned out to be abusive, and I don't see it coming. Maybe I'm scared because he's a good guy and I don't know how to be with someone like that.

Originally Posted by kittykatheartlove

He exercises, so I know he's working on losing more weight.

He what? You mean he walks 10 feet a day, right? He lies. It's almost impossible to excercise with that much weight. A proper diet is enough to drop such figures, and it's very easy. So I would verify his story.

And no, don't feel bad. 425 pounds is obese. Yes, I said it. It's exteremly bad for the man's health and he will die because of it much sooner than he thinks. I don't care whether he's sick or not, struggling with bad metabolism, or whatever - sure, it can make things harder, but not 425 pounds harder! Are you kidding me?!

We should push people to take care of themselves. I have no mercy. My father was obese like that and he died when I was in my early twenties when he didn't have to die. This man is very irresponsible and stupid. Don't waste your time on him.

[unaluna]

Misterpaul, kinda harsh. You should watch the movie Thinner.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Misterpaul, kinda harsh. You should watch the movie Thinner.

I don't care about movies. If I was harsh like that to my dad back in a day, I'd be able to force him to do something with his health and maybe he'd be alive today.

I am sorry. Some people struggle with weight - I UNDERSTAND, but 425 pounds is beyond. It's dangerous. It's like sickness. The man should do something about it. And we shouldn't let him get away with it.

EDIT: Again, it's just an opinion. You may ignore it.

[divine1966]

Well this is mostly mental health forum. If someone posted on here that they have eating disorders or whatever other weight issue, you wouldn’t berate them. You’d likely use a different approach. This person isn’t even posting here and OP was asking about attraction to him, not if this weight is healthy. It’s established it’s not a healthy weight and it sounds that both OP and this man both know about it. Typically people won’t stop unhealthy behaviors if they are told they are being disgusting. It doesn’t work that way.

[MickeyCheeky]

i agree with the wise and wonderful divine1996. Health may be the biggest concern here. Excluding that, it is up to you to decide whether or not you feel like you can get over the fact that you don't feel attracted to him. Personally i don't feel like you need to be ashamed for it is perfectly normal to feel this way i think. In any case take your time to think about how much this factor is important to you in a relationship. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @kittykatheartlove, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well this is mostly mental health forum. If someone posted on here that they have eating disorders or whatever other weight issue, you wouldn’t berate them. You’d likely use a different approach. This person isn’t even posting here and OP was asking about attraction to him, not if this weight is healthy. It’s established it’s not a healthy weight and it sounds that both OP and this man both know about it. Typically people won’t stop unhealthy behaviors if they are told they are being disgusting. It doesn’t work that way.

I pointed out that such unhealthy weight says a lot about irresponsibility of the man which has a lot to do with attraction.

And no, I wouldn't say those words to someone posted on here that they have eating disorders. But the man is not reading it, so I decided to speak my mind. Sorry if I went too far.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I pointed out that such unhealthy weight says a lot about irresponsibility of the man which has a lot to do with attraction.

And no, I wouldn't say those words to someone posted on here that they have eating disorders. But the man is not reading it, so I decided to speak my mind. Sorry if I went too far.

We don’t know if he has eating disorder or in fact we know nothing about this person except that he is overweight. We just want to be mindful of how we approach things especially on this particular forum. It’s ok to advice particular strategy if people ask for advice re stop drinking, doing drugs, overeating etc Not ok to tell others to stop doing something because they are being gross. It never works. People seek help when they are ready. We can be supportive on their journey

[*Beth*]

I have a nephew, 45 years old. He's fairly handsome. He is also 6'8" and weighs probably close to 400lbs. He's had one serious relationship in his life, which lasted about 3 years. It breaks my heart that women don't seem to be interested in him - because of his size. He would make the best, most devoted family man ever. imo, most people tend to pay far too much attention to "looks" - and especially to weight.


If you feel compatible with the man you've met, and you truly think there's a future, perhaps you can work together to lose weight (if that's what you both want to do). How fortunate that you've met someone with whom you had an instant sense of companionship!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I have a nephew, 45 years old. He's fairly handsome. He is also 6'8" and weighs probably close to 400lbs. He's had one serious relationship in his life, which lasted about 3 years. It breaks my heart that women don't seem to be interested in him - because of his size. He would make the best, most devoted family man ever. imo, most people tend to pay far too much attention to "looks" - and especially to weight.


If you feel compatible with the man you've met, and you truly think there's a future, perhaps you can work together to lose weight (if that's what you both want to do). How fortunate that you've met someone with whom you had an instant sense of companionship!

What a shame. I hope there is a lovely lady out there somewhere. He should visit Midwest. Not necessarily talking about stereotype re heavier people here but generally people aren’t as obsessed with weight and looks here. Imho

There are a lot of women who are obsessed with guys height. They’d never date someone shorter than this or that. How goofy! Ton of wonderful men are shorter than average. Who cares? At least weight one can control! No one can control their height.

Is he in your state? I avoid playing match maker but a good friend of mine would be such a good match for your nephew

[leomama]

Don’t feel bad about not being attracted to him. Tell him to hit you up when he’s no longer obese , or tell him you can be friends for now but you need to know that he can take care of himself. It’s a health issue.

[RoxanneToto]

Even if someone does tick all the boxes, it doesn’t mean an attraction will develop or that they’re right for us, and you know what? That’s completely ok. You sound like a kind person, who doesn’t want to hurt another’s feelings, but I would be honest with myself here and at least ask, would I feel any more attracted if he weren’t as heavy? It’s hard to walk away if we can’t see a discernible reason to, I know, but if the attraction really isn’t there, it’s better to let go in the long run.
It’s also understandable that you don’t want to rush into anything after being hurt so often in previous relationships.
In any case, I hope you can make a decision that feels right for you. Good luck!

[bpforever1]

I also have been in abusive relationships. The current guy I'm seeing now is no looker either. He is short but in great shape. I can attract better looking men but truthfully looks are not everything. I am also not too attracted to his looks but to his personality. I like him but when I see other good-looking men my heart skips a beat. But, with him I can be myself. I also have not told him about my illness and probably won't for awhile because we are not serious yet and even if we were, I don't think it is his business. So, nothing is ideal. If you like him and care for him why don't you try helping him to lose weight through encouragement and support. You say you're also overweight so may be you can lose weight together and support each other. If you like someone, you should be helpful. But, that is just my way of doing things.

[Bill3]

My suggestion is to explore, rather than pursue, the relationship.

I am thinking that if you take some more time, rather than decide right now, you will come to clarity about what you need to do.

[AliceKate]

Do you judge him because of you, or because of what other people might think? Mind you, I'm the same, I do judge people for not taking care of themselves, just as I judged myself for the same reason some years ago.

[EagleTears]

Originally Posted by kittykatheartlove

I have been a plus size girl all my life, 200lbs, but portioned with big boobs and hips. I joined a dating site a couple months ago, but it seemed that guys that matched me only wanted hookups or they were creepy. But met a guy and we talked for a few weeks in texts and phone calls for hours a night, and made plans to meet. The night before he said he 425lbs. Since we made plans, we went out. He is very round with a lot of extra pounds on his front and back, legs are heavy but a lot smaller than his torso. Think ex hs and college football athletes. But I really like him, he has a cute face (why I swiped right) and I usually go by if I can look in their eyes and want to see that forever, it doesn't matter body shape. But, idk if I can ever be physically attracted to him. He's definitely a 9.5 out of 10 for compatibility. Similar life stories, childhoods, marriages, we like the same things. We both have c-ptsd and can relate a lot about that. He's patient and kind. His hobbies even align with mine. Only thing I took a half point from is because he's a little too quick to want a relationship. He's already told his boss and friends about me and how happy he is we met.

He had gastric bypass years ago, and he lost 180 lbs. He exercises, so I know he's working on losing more weight. He's so eager, I got him to cut I his mountain dew intake from 6-16 Oz bottles to 2 a day, and we replaced it with water. He's been single for a couple years, since his divorce. So he wasn't taking good care of himself, now he's more determined to get healthier- because of me he said.

I never in my mind thought I'd "judge" by body type, I feel so guilty. I'm so confused. Do I go with my heart and hope I'll live him enough eventually to look past it, or end things now before it gets too serious? Ugh! Big sigh!

Hello Kittykatheartlove,

The appearance should always be secondary... what matters the most is how he treats you and his personality. I do have some concerns about him...you mention about him pushing this relationship too quickly.. If you find this troubling and you feel uncomfortable about it.. you really do need to tell him to tone it down a notch and lay down some boundaries.. he doesn't need to be telling his boss and friends about you, and how happy he is that you both met. To me that's the beginning of emotional entrapment.

I also found this paragraph to be a red flag...

“He had gastric bypass years ago, and he lost 180 lbs. He exercises, so I know he's working on losing more weight. He's so eager, I got him to cut I his mountain dew intake from 6-16 Oz bottles to 2 a day, and we replaced it with water. He's been single for a couple years, since his divorce. So he wasn't taking good care of himself, now he's more determined to get healthier- because of me he said.”

He's a full grown man with physical health problems.. He should be taking care of himself.. not having you to tell him to reduce his mountain dew intake. I think hes searching for an emotional support caretaker more than anything else. Why is he heavily relying on you to get healthier all of the sudden? Why can't he do it himself if hes truly determine?

[mote.of.soul]

Hi @kittykatheartlove

I haven't read all previous replies here but from what I understand from your post, you're attracted to his personality, very much so, but not sure if you can sleep with him and share physical love. That could be hugely problematic for him if a regular sex life is part of what he would like. Or maybe the sexuality isn't such a big deal for him and for you? It may pay to have those questions cleared up before comitting much further. I personally don't believe it can work if you both want a regular sex life but don't have that sexual attraction, that chemistry.

Then again, maybe you believe those feelings can grow with a little bit more time? I don't know. But I do think listen to your heart and your own basic, direct feelings about it. Be very honest with yourself. Don't fool yourself. 🙏

[kittykatheartlove]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Do you judge him because of you, or because of what other people might think? Mind you, I'm the same, I do judge people for not taking care of themselves, just as I judged myself for the same reason some years ago.

It's not about shame, I don't think, it's physical things, like he can't wrap both around me, less energy for spending the whole day out and about. I understand why he wasn't talking care of himself, he got a divorce, got depressed, started drinking again after 16 yrs sober, really didn't care about living or dying. Then he got sober a few years ago, the depression worsened having these feelings he hadn't worked though since childhood.

And me? In the last 5 years I've been working on my perception of myself. My weight we a huge issue for me and I tried lots of things trying to get past my plateau point, where I'm at now. I have a hormone problem that contributes to weight gain, plus have had some kind of major surgery on my ankle or lower back at least once a every year for the last 21 years (was in an accident), and am laid up 6-12 weeks each time, each time muscles I worked hard on all year, atrophy duting that time. Harder and harder to get it back each time. Plus, as long as I don't look like a bum, I get "that look" or comments from guys often, which helped me realize I'm not as ugly as I thought.

[ArtleyWilkins]

My niece and her husband are both overweight. Her husband is very overweight and definitely at least over 300lbs. He is a devoted husband and an amazing father to their two children. He's an active member of their church. He's a supervisor in his company. He's just overweight. Would we all like to see him lose some of that for longevity of health reasons? Absolutely. But I guess what I am saying is it is the quality of character of a spouse that is ultimately most important.

And yes to the hormone issues, my niece and my daughter-in-law both have Hashimoto's and losing weight, despite both of them being extremely active and healthy eaters, is nearly impossible. (And finding a good endocrinologist is no easy feat either). Best of luck to you.