Need advice how to handle my friend’s behavior

I have really tried to be patient, but my friend is behaving downright rude! We are not romantically involved in any way whatsoever, so I just want to put that out there. However, he is exhibiting some mentally ill behaviors that are causing me too much stress & grief. He goes on and how he respects me and how we are such close friends, but I’m seriously feeling like it is a load of ********. He was supposed to come to my house to help me with some things and I was really depending on him to keep his word. He had a phone interview which I know didn’t last more than 20 min. The agreement was after he was done taking care of his business he would come to me. So around 1:45 I call and he rejects the call. I tried texting him and asking if we’re still on and no reply. I am getting extremely upset and I texted him way too many times which I regret. I should have given him until a certain time, then tell him I am not going to be home so next time. Come to find out his friend was visiting from out of town so she asked him to meet up for a quick lunch. Well, it takes two seconds to text but he said he didn’t want to be rude. Interesting being the limited times we went out to eat, he was hooked on his phone. Which made me realize I need to have stricter standards. He told me I was having an attitude which is what he says When I open my mouth and he doesn’t like what is said. Then he will say things like if I don’t like it we should move on. I brought up the fact, that were such good friends yet we rarely go out to eat. Then he starts making excuses like I work or I have a child. Women in their 40’s usually do! So we kind of got into it and all he was saying was how I have an attitude. I don’t, I just cannot stand flakes and people who don’t keep their word! I know if I had invited him to lunch and he was supposed to meet one of his friends to help him, he wouldn’t blow them off that’s for sure! I said to him so, if I call you up asking to meet for lunch you will say yes? He says yes if I’m home I will. He’s unemployed, when isn’t he home???🙄 Anyways, he started saying I’m immature and over reacting all we can hang this weekend. No. Now he’s on a time out. I’m always with him on the weekends. Cooking for us, helping clean his house etc. He had the nerve to say how his friends comment how good he treats me. That’s all an act to look good. I know we’re just friends, but I don’t like feeling like I don’t matter and my feelings don’t matter. Even after I said I feel hurt by his actions, he took no responsibility.

He’s been this way the entire time you’ve been involved with him as lovers and then as friends. That’s who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them. He is rude, selfish and disrespectful and he doesn’t appear to be changing even a tiny bit.

Cleaning his house? If he is unemployed, he has time to clean his own house. He can cook his own meals. He disrespects you with his words and actions. Why do you want friends like this?

What positives are you getting out of this friendship? And why are you cleaning his house and cooking for him? I have male friends and none of them do that for me. Why put up with rudeness in a friendship? Is this the same guy you tried to break up with over and over again who is an alcoholic? If it is the same guy, he won't change. He is who he is and he's going to continue to treat you as he always has.

i wouldnt tolerate that. If you have a romantic history with this person then the emotional power imbalance will be there for the both of you,. I know people say it can be done but my personal opinion is it is very very hard to remain good friends with someone you have had a romantic relationship with.

This was posted in an ad on my Facebook feed this morning. It feels applicable:

“Ever find yourself clinging to a one-sided relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner?

A good question to ask when we notice this is:

“What part of me is it that wants this so badly?”

Sometimes it’s our most wounded self... or our “child-self” that takes over and gets caught in the pain and fear of not being chosen.… The fear of being abandoned.

Our emotions are powerful. And to become more Conscious and self-loving... It’s our job to learn how to listen to our emotions and act from a place of self-worth.
(Rather than react out of discomfort.)

We often simply mask our discomfort to avoid feeling abandoned, unloved, or unworthy.
… Without really going to the root cause.

We’re temporarily soothing ourselves with a chase… Or giving ourselves away in dead-end relationships.

… But we’re not actually getting what we want or what we deserve from a relationship.

People don’t necessarily want to hurt us, but the reality is...

Unless they’ve done their inner-work and are aware enough to act Consciously, their actions may be entirely self-serving...

Which leaves you feeling unsupported.

It’s up to you to be your own wise, nurturing and loving inner-parent.

Remind yourself that it’s safe to be loved...

That healthy love doesn’t have to be boring...

Learn to see the signs of when you might be confusing chaos with chemistry.

You are here to be loved and cherished.

You have the capacity to step into your worth. And stretch yourself to show up powerfully in all of your relationships.

It’s time.”

He mistreats you now for over two years. You say you leave him but then you always come back, and he is the same he’s always been. The chance of him becoming an upstanding man are exactly zero. Before this man there were others who mistreated and neglected you. Are you seeing a therapist? That would be definitely something to address in therapy. You don’t need to live like this. You deserve better

As about how to handle a friend like that. The only solution is not to have friends like that

Something stood out to me. You said you are “just friends”. As if bad behavior is acceptable if people are friends. Friendships are very valuable. Friends don’t treat friends like this at all. If someone treated me this way, he’d or she’d be considered like opposite of a friend! That’s another thing to address in therapy. Your view on friendships and your ways to choose friends

GymGirl—^This touches on many underlying things about your relationship struggles that you put yourself into. How was your young childhood? Did you have a safe, loving environment with your parents? I wonder if all people who chase unrequited love have the young childhood trauma in common.

i must agree with the other wise posters. If he continues to act this way then perhaps it would be best to simply call it quits and to end the friendship here. So Sorry you have to put up with such behavior. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Gymgirl71, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

yes I had childhood trauma...this is why I have been with emotionally unavailable men. He is just too much of a trigger for me with a lot of things. He causes the anxiety to surface and the panic attacks.

I tried to find some positives, but they are not consistent. Normal friends meet for lunch now and then..that’s normal. Hanging out yes maybe once in a while that’s normal too. What isn’t normal is cooking for the two of us, sleeping over all the time like a pseudo girlfriend. I even mentioned how we rarely go out and normal friends do this. He had all kinds of excuses and the bottom line is the reason he doesn’t is because he doesn’t want to, and doesn’t feel like he has to make any sort of effort to keep the friendship alive because I’m always here.

It’s understandable. Childhood traumas linger and it’s expected that man like him would trigger anxiety and other responses. I am sorry you are hurting. Is there any way for you stop with this man? Panic and anxiety attacks are hard to handle and I feel you could try to avoid those by keeping away from him? I know it’s pandemics but could you try to make new friends when things get better with current situation. You aren’t alone in this struggle. We all attracted wrong people into our lives. No judgement here.

But with this guy it doesn’t sound like there is anything good or uplifting or even fun. You deserve more

Dearest Gymgirl, this has been an ongoing and long-term issue for you with this man. Are you in therapy? If not, I suggest seeing and talking with a therapist about why you continue to put yourself in a harmful and hurtful position with this man. You're getting nothing but misery and he's using you. Why do you do this to yourself? And trust me, I am not pointing fingers. I married someone who is abusive and now I am divorcing him. But I will not tolerate disrespect and abuse. And you my dear, are tolerating disrespect and disregard. You need to get to the bottom of this with a therapist who can help you to see your value and worth and who can help steer you to healthier relationships, including friendships.

I have to stay away even if I didn’t want to, I have to. He is not well mentally, and he’s making too many things surface with me to the point where I am not acting like myself

Not only am I seeing a therapist who even said he’s a trigger for me, and he’s not acknowledging my feelings...but I’m also being treated for anxiety disorder with meds...I hate taking meds too.

I have been in eight abusive relationships. EIGHT. Then I married an abuser. So I have an unhealthy pattern myself to work through with regards to men. Hence, why I understand your predicament and am not pointing fingers in any way. I empathize and sympathize.

But the bottom line is: this guy is toxic and unhealthy for you. At some point, you will need to break your own unhealthy patterns in relationships. For me, it's taken years to get to a point of really wanting to resolve this for myself, because I have hurt myself SO MUCH through my pattern of abusive relationships. SO MUCH that I now am determined to break free.

You have to get to this point yourself in your own journey... but we only get there when we're truly ready to break patterns of behavior. And I'm afraid you're going to continue to hurt yourself and to put yourself in harm's way, which just only prolongs your misery.

It's up to YOU to decide whether you wish to be happy or not in life. Only then, will you take steps necessary to avoid toxic people and relationships in order to have a healthy, happy and fulfilling life. We are responsible for our choices, our actions AND for the relationships we CHOOSE to become involved in.

I am glad you have a therapist. Keep working on this in therapy. Hugs to you.

Focus on your well being. Your health comes first. If relationship is detrimental to you, it’s time to try getting out of it

yes absolutely. He only seems to be able to see my behavior, and how I’m controlling bla bla. He doesn’t see how he’s contributing to the issues and I’m too old to teach a grown man how to behave. He may not want to see it. But he’s constantly acting in a manipulative and condescending manner and I don’t need this crap

Then why do you keep going back to him again and again and again? You're banging your head against a brick wall with this man.

I always think it’s my fault and blame myself.

Are you listening to HIM say this to you? IF so, don't pay heed to his false accusations. Pay attention to how YOU feel, HIS behavior towards you and the fact that you always end up empty handed. It's not your fault. Not one bit. This is all on him. Please don't blame yourself for HIS poor behavior.

thx I just get confused and second guess myself. I sent too many texts etc but it was because he flaked out then rationalizes it and turns the tables. Even went as far as to say he got opinions from friends. His friends hearing one side of the story no less. There are 3 sides. And his older brother and his other good friend have defended me in front of him also. My gut feeling just tells me I’m not “bugn” like he says. It’s always I’m bugn or chill out or something. He’s got a real street mentality I hate to say it.

Perhaps it would help if you read about unhealthy vs healthy relationship dynamics and behavior so that you distinctly know the difference. Or perhaps read about toxic behaviors. Then you can identify his behaviors more easily as being toxic. He sounds like he is gaslighting you by turning the tables around on you, which is actually an abuse tactic.

It doesn’t matter whose fault is this. Are you happy with this guy? If yes then it’s all good. If not, get out and don’t go back. It doesn’t matter who is to blame. Life is too short to be unhappy

oh yes, I remember all the gaslighting tactics abusers do, but I forgot about it...and he’s protecting his energy and boundaries 🙄🙄

As must you, my dear. Protect your OWN energy and boundaries.