The ending of my relationship

Oh, I live in a state where that kind of thing doesn't hold water legally. And my husband doesn't know this person or any of this person's crowd. Entirely separate, so he would never know or find out.

I don’t believe going on dates makes a difference here unless minor children are involved. In general dating new people while being vulnerable and contemplating divorce is not a good idea, but not for that reason. I don’t think it will make a difference in divorce proceedings though. Courts don’t care about it

I still hold with the be WISE statement & I'm sticking to it....lol

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Originally Posted by divine1966 I don’t believe going on dates makes a difference here unless minor children are involved. In general dating new people while being vulnerable and contemplating divorce is not a good idea, but not for that reason. I don’t think it will make a difference in divorce proceedings

Exactly.....the word vulnerable is KEY.

Oh absolutely. It’s very wise to take one’s time with such things.

lol... I'm talking about a one night of having drinks and maybe sex with a guy friend of mine, and that is all. Not a relationship, not anything else. Just some fun to actually have some fun with another man other than my soon to be ex husband.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope lol... I'm talking about a one night of having drinks and maybe sex with a guy friend of mine, and that is all. Not a relationship, not anything else. Just some fun to actually have some fun with another man other than my soon to be ex husband.

Didn't you start off that way with your soon to be ex too?

No harm in going out with a friend. But that’s what happened with few previous relationship you had. Plus you plan on having sex. If he truly a friend he’d refrain from sex with a vulnerable woman in a process of divorce. And I wonder about why friends would have sex? It sounds like all these men you consider friends are after other things (like the other inappropriate guy). Now this guy? How are they friends? I wonder about definition of friendship here

You broke up with someone and went out with a new man to help you forget the previous one. But then simple going out for drinks ended up in a disastrous relationship every time. If you really do want to meet the guy, don’t drink, it leads to messy things and questionable decisions. Go for breakfast or coffee or lunch or walk in a park.

It might be better just going out with friends and no romance/intimacy involved. I and others had a bad feeling when you went out with your husband the first time (he said all the “right” things on a date)and you were grieving two previous relationships. And you also said you are only going to have fun, but that’s not what happened

I again have a bad feeling about outing with this guy. You are vulnerable and wrong people sense it (like that guy you let to rub your legs).

Try to find some girlfriends or acquittances to go socialize instead if possible.

I greatly appreciate the concern. I'm not going to date the guy and will tell him that. We're talking about one night of drinks together and possibly sex and that's all. This weekend I will be with a large group of friends all weekend long. I went to dinner with other friends earlier this week, and I spent time with a few friends last weekend too. This is no big deal. It's not how my husband and I started. I actually went on dates with my husband. This is purely just hanging out for one night. He is someone I've known for about 15 years.

Don't worry... I am not going to date anyone or fall into any kind of relationship. I plan on being single for a while yet. I cannot even imagine dating anyone right now. At the same time, you never know when you're going to meet the next person who could be suitable. For now I wish to simply develop my friendships more. This weekend will be a great opportunity to do so. I'm going to a concert Friday night with a group, then to an overnight gathering out of state with a far larger group on Sat. There will be plenty of women for me to bond with this weekend.

If I hadn't read the same words previous times in your life you have written of here, these words might be believable.

When we repeat previous behaviors & expect different results, this might be something to discuss with your therapist.

You are the one who should be concerned, not us as it is your life....your choices yes, but to complain about the results of those choices may indicate the need for wiser choices.

So, if I understand correctly, you intend to go out with people you've known for years, drink and socialize, and have sex with one of the guys you've known for about 15 years. Did this friend tell you he wanted to have sex with you when he texted? Or are you hoping he wants to have sex with you based on what he texted?
Friends with benefits is a type of relationship. One night stands are too. I'm not a fan of mixing casual one night stands with long established friendships. What if he's bad in bed? Or worse, really good in bed and you want too much relationship too fast?

You're an adult and you get to make your own choices. If a one night stand is what you want, maybe your pool of friends isn't the best place to find one. Would you make a kayaking group out of people you had casual sex with?

I hope you make the best choice for yourself and a healthy healing process.

It was clearly a mistake to mention this guy. I won’t be bringing up anything similar about what I do. I’m 50 years old and can make my own decisions about what I choose to do in my life. I’m not 18. I've made poor choices in men to date and marry, but not simply to have casual flings or sex with.

You absolutely can make your own decisions. You can choose what you do. I don’t think anyone has any kind of power to stop you from anything. It’s just that there is a connection between things you do and results you get. Men you end up with are always unstable party goers, boozing, and drugging kind. If that’s who you surround yourself with, that’s the kind of men you always end up with.

Of course it could be just casual sex with this one. Just make sure you are very careful as if he is sleeping around kind (if he plans one night stand he is that kind of guy)he could be passing STD around even with protection so think twice. But can we prevent you from meeting with this man or any other men. No.

People only advice because you seemed to want help with making better choices. But it’s ok if you don’t. We all live and learn.

Yeah, I understand. At this time, I am not looking for help or advice on making wiser choices in men. That I would prefer to do on my own and with the help of my therapist. This man I do not intend to date and I may not even sleep with him. He may not be worthy of that again this go around. If I do sleep with him, I'll certainly protect myself sexually.

Well, I saw that guy last night, we hung out a while and then we kissed goodbye. After he left, I burst into tears, in knowing it truly is the end of my relationship. I was surprised and taken aback by my tears. I think it's telling me that I am not ready to go have sex with someone else. I don't think I am.

And he got me talking about my spiritual beliefs. He pointed out that I have different beliefs taken from different religions but that I am claim I am Christian. I do take different tenets from different religions and piece them together to form my own belief system, this is true. I don't see anything wrong with this, but somehow I felt wrong when he pointed it out. He is very precise, and wanted to know exactly what I believe in. It was an interesting conversation.

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I do take different tenets from different religions and piece them together to form my own belief system, this is true. I don't see anything wrong with this,

Then claim what you believe to be your belief system rather than labeling it
Christianity. He is actually correct in what he was saying. Just like everything else, you have the freedom to do & believe what you want but it is also important not to call something it isn't because that it not being honest with yourself or others.

Nothing wrong with believing in whatever you want or in a combination of things that you piece together. You are right that there is nothing wrong in that. But I don’t see any need in labeling it to be specific religion when it is actually something pieced together or your personal belief. He would be wrong telling you not to believe in whatever you want but he isn’t wrong in telling you that you can’t really call it Christianity.

Good for not sleeping with him. Not because he is a wrong candidate, but because timing is off

I am fundamentally Christian, so that is not up for debate. I believe in compassion towards others which comes from Christian beliefs, but it also comes out of Buddhist and eastern philosophy, but it's neither here nor there. Yes, I am glad I did not sleep with him. I am definitely not ready for that.

Fundamental Christiaity is believing in Christ who died & rose again for the sins of the world. Everything else is a philosophical belief that one can attach to a religion.

Yes, and that is my belief.

Well, my worst nightmare came true. I ran into him at the concert last night. He saw me so he came over to talk to me. He tried to flirt with me a little, and I didn't know how to react. It messed me up for the rest of the evening - seeing him that is. Basically it ruined my whole night. It was unexpected to see him and to have him dancing nearby where I was with acquaintances. And I felt out of place with my group - they're all good friends, and I am an outsider. The whole experience was just a huge bummer for me overall.

You might need to start looking for new friends. If they are originally his crowd and you still feel like an outsider after all these years, it might be a sign that this is not the right group. He was flirting? Ew. How embarrassing. He said he is heart broken and doesn’t want to live without you yet he is partying and dancing away. Dancing like doing actual dance moves with a partner? Or just drunken clubbing? I like to visualize. I’d probably laugh. Uncomfortable. He probably showed up because you told him you’ll be there. Don’t tell him anything

You have every right to just keep your distance if he tries to flirt with you. Hope you feel better by now.

The problem is is that there's still chemistry between us, and I felt that chemistry the other night, big time. We have a spark between us, and I don't know what to call it other than chemistry.

It doesn’t mean anything. I had sparks and chemistry with the most inappropriate relationship candidates. In fact people often feel strongest sparks with wrong people because your body responds to unhealthy familiar. It’s not really any issue. It’s just how it works. More time you spend around him and with him longer it would take to stop feeling the spark.,