The ending of my relationship

Have Hope, remember where the path of chemistry with him leads...

Yeah. If I were to meet that guy who traumatised me, I likely would still feel the chemistry, too. I don't want to meet him, though.

My therapist explained how it works. When i was younger I thought if I feel butterflies and am all excited and fire works are flying, thats Mr. Right for me. After reading about how it works and working with therapist I know it’s not the case

What do you find you feel with Mr Right then/what did your therapist explain about it? (Yes I'm interested if you have anything to say about that)

What I do know is I've experienced more than one type of chemistry/attraction with guys but I've never really analysed this deeply. Even though it's an interesting topic. I don't know if Have Hope wants a long discussion on this though so I'm not going to add more on this now

Attraction is important. But it’s not the only thing. Relationship will not survive. You need to feel many other things besides the butterflies: feel safe and secure and comfortable and know that he is a good person. If he is a jerk it’s not matter how hot and bothered you feel, relationship won’t last or won’t be healthy

Yeah I agree that you need to feel safe and comfortable as well. I still wonder about the different versions of attraction, maybe I'll find a thread for that.

We're talking as friends right now. We hung out yesterday as friends. I am not sure where this is headed, but we cannot seem to stay away from each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope We're talking as friends right now. We hung out yesterday as friends. I am not sure where this is headed, but we cannot seem to stay away from each other.

Emotions NOT logic. No REAL relationship can have its foundation on only chemistry. THINK about what you are doing.

Even dogs have chemistry between them, it is called SEX

I AM thinking about what I am doing, and I think I may still love him. I'm going with the flow right now, and this feels right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I AM thinking about what I am doing, and I think I may still love him. I'm going with the flow right now, and this feels right.

Yep, your life, your choices.....good luck

Ex spouses could be friends. I am friendly with mine. I am not sure that’s what you are doing though.

No harm in getting back together of being friends. But are you doing it because he is a kind, trustworthy, stable, independent, honorable man or you want to be together because you felt all excited and all kind of sparks seeing him in a bar drinking dancing and probably being high (not saying you were but he sure was).

Partying in bars is fun but it’s not real life. Real life is you two having constant fights, him constantly lying, him doing drugs, him asking you for money, constant drama, you are being perpetually upset. That’s sadly is a real life you have with this man. If that’s the life you want, that’s the life you’ll have

But of course you are free to do what you want.

Of course you may still love him. No one stops loving their spouses the minute they plan divorce. It doesn’t work that fast! And love isn’t enough

No. This is not love. You mocked him here talking about his erectile dysfunction. You can feel whatever for him, but not love.
I wouldn’t ever talk bad about someone I love in front of other people.

The last part sounds so romantic but if I can be honest with you....it will lead to hurt again with like a 99.9999% chance Sorry for being so "negative". Is there any chance you could do a rebound relationship with some random guy and then end that relationship fast (no commitment), I imagine that even that would be better than this.

(If you do that, be sure the guy knows it's without commitment!)



PS: I was not straightforward enough. The 99.9999% is a 100.00% actually. I'm truly sorry.

I agree with the poster that said that it's normal to still have feelings. It doesn't all shut off so fast forever. It takes time. It does not mean you would need to act on those feelings. They are just feelings to be processed, not feelings to act on if they do not coincide with rationality and reality. I think it feels right for you now because your brain - while you feel these emotions - is only focusing on things that *seem to* match your current feelings. Your brain is not pulling certain facts from your memory right now. It's almost like amnesia in a sense.


But I'm not trying to tell you what to do! It's your life. Just concerned.

It’s anonymous forum so it’s not like she talked to relatives or something. I don’t remember why was ED brought up but maybe it was in a context, the context is the guy smokes pot every single day spending hundreds on it and does coke. I am not surprised he has issues in romance department. It’s a given. Perhaps his ED wasn’t brought up not to mock him but to mention how his drug abuse causes medical issues.

I do agree that chemistry and sparks aren’t love. I’ve been around the block. Loud music, all kind of substances, hormones, music, dancing, bar atmosphere makes people feel all kind of things. Could be confusing. Eventually reality sinks in.

Quote:

It’s anonymous forum so it’s not like she talked to relatives or something

If I TRULY loved someone I wouldn't speak about it even on an anonymous forum.

Let's see:
HH talking about possibly having sex with the guy she was meeting up with (but didn't)

Then feeling "chemistry" (sexual desire) when meet at a concert (drugs & alcohol involved?)

Selective amnesia totally about all the reasons a divorce was wanted in the first place.

Not sure where hanging out as friends(?) (FWB?) is headed.

Yep, sounds like a real recipe for success....guess it depends on how one defines success

Feeling all kind of desires and sparks towards all kind of people (including exes) while going through break ups/ divorces is not uncommon. Heightened intense stress could cause all kind of crazy emotions. That’s why it’s recommended to stay away from exes and soon to be exes and potential love interests while emotions are so raw. That’s how all kind of troubles happen.

Is it easy? No. But unless one wants more drama and another disaster, it’s really better to stir away from such things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 Feeling all kind of desires and sparks towards all kind of people (including exes) while going through break ups/ divorces is not uncommon. Heightened intense stress could cause all kind of crazy emotions. That’s why it’s recommended to stay away from exes and soon to be exes and potential love interests while emotions are so raw. That’s how all kind of troubles happen. Is it easy? No. But unless one wants more drama and another disaster, it’s really better to stir away from such things.

Exactly!!!! Makes people less willing to sympathize when the same result happens again because this time it is a known choice to put the drama & disaster back in ones life.

It is not easy to make wise choices when decisions are based on emotion rather than logic.

Guess I was lucky. By the time I left my husband I hated him & there never had been real "love" in the marriage so walking away was so easy. I have resolved the hate over the years but I still don't like him & all the stupid things he has done that are still screwing up aspects of my life (financially) even after the divorce. No emotions existed toward him except negative ones. Makes life simple to walk away from a marriage like that

This is what you posted about a month ago.
I hope you will reread your thread and talk to your abuse advocate and therapist about the current situation.

I've had that high lust fueled chemistry in the past. It's intoxicating, but it isn't real love. Lust has no judgement to make good decisions. You need to make the good decisions for yourself.

Ftr, I don't think you are stupid. I think the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin released in your brain when you are in his presence are clouding your rational thoughts.

Amount of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin released are directly correlated with how wrong the guy is as a partner. Cant stay away, love of my life, madly in love, intense chemistry, can’t move on from him was exactly the same Hope felt for abusive homeless addict man, then some other inappropriate man after and likely other men before that.

It seems more abusive and wrong they are, more intense is the lust and infatuation

And it’s not abnormal to feel this way. Our bodies respond to familiar. Unfortunately what’s familiar here is constant drama, abuse, struggle, all kind unhealthy things. But these emotions and these attractions aren’t signs of a healthy relationships or signs that you must continue going for these kind of men.

Wow - an unexpected landslide of comments. I guess it's to be expected though, under the circumstances.

@eskielover, I can understand how you may feel, but you sounded unsupportive by saying it's hard to feel sympathy if I choose to go back again. He is going into therapy. He knows it's a prerequisite for me being with him again.

And someone said that I don't love him because I talked about erectile dysfunction? That could not be more far from the truth. Just because I talked about what is dysfunctional doesn't erase the feelings I have for him, and still have for him.

I understand everyone's concerns. I am not saying that we're definitely getting back together. We've hung out a couple times since the concert, and it was really nice. I cannot say what is going to happen, but it feels right between us. Something does feel right. It's not just lust or infatuation. We have something between us that hasn't gone away. I've tried to hang out with another man - it made me realize how hard it is to truly find that certain chemistry in someone. And my husband and I have it between us. There were undeniable sparks flying between us at the concert - and not just lust or because of loneliness. I can be alone and have been before. There's something very natural and genuine there.

I don't know what's going to happen. I am going with how I feel right now and this feels right. I get it - that I've laid out all sorts of problems that have occurred and that I've described how unhealthy he's been for me. I guess I hope that therapy truly helps him - he's very willing, and wants me to give him a list of things to work on. It's going to take a long time. Perhaps I'm being stupid, but that's my decision and choice. I know I do still love him and that there is love there still between us. That's all I can say right now.

When someone intentionally makes the decision to go back into an abusive relationship & ends up complaining about the same things, it is no longer support but ENABLING behaviors that need to be changed.

If therapy makes a difference great. If not just take action without complaining about what he is like any more

People complain on here about their spouses all the time, yet remain in the relationship. This is a support forum and I should be able to post about my husband in any way that I wish to.

You sound very condemning, unsupportive and judgmental. A more compassionate reply would have been along the lines of "I can see how hard this is for you... leaving someone is not easy, nor is divorce. It's a big life decision, it's one of the most difficult life experiences one can go through, and emotions can be contradictory".

Perhaps he can change - perhaps not. But at this point, I cannot deny my feelings. If he cannot change, then I truly will have my answer.

He has spoken with his mother about his anger issues, even. He is accepting of it now and wants to address it in therapy. This gives me some amount of hope.

I wish you the best. I hope both you and your husband have success in therapy.

Also, thank you for opening your discussion about the end of relationships. Its never easy to open yourself up to points of view that are difficult to hear. Its helped to reinforce for me that our choices are our own and the outcome of those choices are also only our own.