The ending of my relationship

Thanks! My mom suggested meetups to me just last night. I need to do something to mix and mingle and meet new people for sure. I mean, I have friends but I want and need more friends who are local to me. Those local I can count on one hand.

And yes... I must give myself a break. I’ve definitely been through a lot lately - I shouldn’t expect the world from myself right away.

Having been away from him for three months made me somewhat forget all the nuances of his abuse. Having been with him for the last two months has reminded me of his shadiness and sneaky behaviors. He is so dishonest. I think it’s a way of life for him.

Yup. Way of life.

Sadly some people just are that way and they see nothing wrong with it. You can’t change their ways. That’s who they are

That’s in their core: cheating on taxes, manipulating books, committing welfare fraud, returning used items, switching tags, manipulating people for monetary gains etc These are all same categories of unethical shady people with no moral compass.

Sadly he is kind of one of them. Good riddance

You’ve had such a rough time lately, as divine1966 said. It’s understandable that you feel how you do right now. Just take things one day at a time and you’ll be back to kicking butt before you know it! You’re a survivor and will thrive again

Not to mention coercing their spouse to do cocaine on their wedding day!

Yes, sadly he is one of them. I cannot believe I married such a shady character.

Thank you, dear @RoxanneToto.

It's helpful to hear this - I am a survivor, and I will thrive again - very true words! I've been knocked down so many times, but I always get up.

Shady people often appear quite convincing and sweet on the surface. Otherwise how would they get what they want? Not saying he is a con artist but they are always very charismatic.

Some people think they are just entitled (maybe raised that way) and nothing would stop them from trying to get what they think they are entitled for. When people catch on to it, they look for new victims. In your husbands case he also has substance abuse issue. Cocaine isn’t a joke.

You’ll be fine. Just need time to heal.

He is charismatic - he's a salesman and can get people to do what he wants all the time at work.

And in the last few months, he's borrowed money from me, his roommate and his mother. Probably all to support a coke and drug habit, I am sure. I bet he kept a lot secret from me, including using porn when he knew I will not stand for that in a relationship/marriage.

He is ALL sweetness on the surface - pretending to be mr. generous, mr kind and mr good guy. It makes me ill in knowing what's really beneath the surface. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

And he is VERY entitled. He does as he likes, without any care of how it effects someone else. He is without conscience.

I think he IS a con artist - he conned me into believing he is an honest, FAITHFUL and eternally loving man. These are the things he told me he is in the beginning, and he is NOT any of these things.

I am SO glad I ended things again. SO glad.

Yes, this is going to take time.

I am really taken aback by how unconscionable and how much of a liar my narcissist husband is - on the surface, he is sweet, generous, loving and kind, but beneath that, he's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

He cheated and he lied. He lied numerous times to me - I think he lied a lot more than I even know about. When we first met, he told that he would never make me cry, hurt me, or cheat on me. And I believed him - yet, he did ALL THREE.

HOW in the world can someone behave this way? Be nice on the surface, yet be a mean, cruel, two-faced, lying, cheating bastard in reality?

Ain't that hard, lady. Takes some trauma combined with messed-up genes and no helping hand in early stages of life and its done.

Yes, I’m aware. What I’m taken aback by is I’m nothing like him so it’s hard to comprehend. I’m loyal and honest to a fault, ethical, moral, genuine and decent. He is none of the above. Because we’re so opposite, I can’t wrap my brain around his false facade and immoral behavior. He will praise and defend his so called integrity til the cows come home, but then he’ll behave the opposite. He’s just a total liar and a fake and I cannot relate to this type of personality at all.

It's a personality DISORDER, not a type of personality. Hows that joint theraphy you were planning back in a day? Any outcome of it?

Thanks for the correction - I didn’t mean to offend you if I did.

We had one couples therapy session and that was enough for me to break things off with my husband. I expressed all sorts of things in that session and my husband didn’t even ask me or want to discuss my feelings after the session. It’s like it all was dismissed entirely - my anger, my outrage and my mistrust of him. He just totally ignored it which told me everything I needed to know: he doesn’t care about me, about how I feel or about what I think.

So, here's my developing list of activities to pursue:

Kayaking
Roller blading at the beach
Singing with an acapella women's group
Join a hiking group
Learn how to kite surf
Go to the beach as much as possible
Get in shape
Quit smoking

I'm dropping this in here as a reminder of ALL I want to do!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Yes, I’m aware. What I’m taken aback by is I’m nothing like him so it’s hard to comprehend. I’m loyal and honest to a fault, ethical, moral, genuine and decent. He is none of the above. Because we’re so opposite, I can’t wrap my brain around his false facade and immoral behavior. He will praise and defend his so called integrity til the cows come home, but then he’ll behave the opposite. He’s just a total liar and a fake and I cannot relate to this type of personality at all.

What amazes me more is that we saw the red flags before we got married & talked ourselves out of paying attention to them & actually calling off our weddings.

Yep, in my case my ex was a nice guy but a loser when it came to personality in the overall sense.....which showed up immediately after the wedding because it was there before.

I don't know about you, but those red flags I saw before the wedding put me on the defensive in the marriage because I wasn't willing to put up with the crap that caused the red flags in the first place. I actually addressed the issues before the wedding & said I don't want to get married if this is how you are. Yep, assured me that all my demands were ok until after the wedding. All 33 years of our marriage were nothing but fighting & my career was my escape rather than divorce till I could leave.

Different reasons for their behaviors & different behaviors ( mine was a majority of financial issues & lying about them, not an outside relationship) but the results end up being pretty similar.

Be glad you didn't own a house together. 3 years after my divorce I am still in a law suit against my ex in a state 2100 miles from where I live. They can be real @$$'s when things don't go the way they want. My ex has totally ignored communicating with all 3 lawyers I have hired to deal with this.

You will get through this.....just stay determined & stay strong

33 years is an awful long time to put up with abuse. I, too, told my husband before the wedding that I wouldn't tolerate his poor behaviors, and it too became far worse right after the wedding. Far worse.

The infidelity was at the end, but it was the final straw for me.

We are lucky in that we don't own any shared assets - it makes it far easier. I cannot even imagine what you went through and still are going through.

How do we know if he has a personality disorder though? He wasn’t ever diagnosed. There are plenty of dishonest shady crooks and they don’t automatically have disorders. I’d not diagnose him

So why in the world all of you call him a narc? NPD = narcisstic personality disorder.

I do - I lived with him. I know he is NPD - he has all signs of it.

I've diagnosed him as having NPD. I lived with him and would know.

Thing is that people can have narc traits without having all the symptoms that would give them the NPD label. After I left my EX I sorted through trying to figure out what I had been dealing with all those years. Narc was one of the things I thought about because much of his behaviors came across that way. I finally had a T who suggested a different possibility because he never met him but only by the things I said about him. I actually researched his suggestion & sure enough, the ASD suggestion in this case can have traits that come across as a narc. Sometimes people can just be @$$-holes & it looks like they are a narc without qualifying for the actual label of NPD because they have so many traits that are similar. That is why we can't diagnose but we can say that most of their traits fall under that category

Who all of us? I think he sounds dishonest and shady and he lies a lot and acts entitled and full of himself plus he does illegal drugs. Based on what was posted about him. I don’t recall ever calling him narc or diagnosing him

Only qualified medical professional can diagnose a disorder. We could suspect someone might gave XYZ but I don’t see how can anyone say for sure someone has a disorder in absence of actual diagnosis

Yeah, but he's not a member here, and I've lived with him. I've read all about NPD and he fits it to a T. He fits every trait, characteristic and behavior.

I'm saying he is NPD, and I am convinced of it.

But can we drop this? I don't think it's relevant to the issues.

Of course we can. I'm sorry, I didn't start it. I shouldn't respond to the attack. It's on me.

My husband is enraging me right now. He continues to dump ALL his feelings of devastation on me, whenever he catches me off guard. He will call me about his father in the hospital and his father's pending death, then he will dump everything he feels onto me, without giving me a chance to speak. He ignores everything I've stated about why I broke up with him, and continues to focus only on HIS feelings. Talk about self-centered and self-absorbed! And he accuses me of giving up after one therapy session, when he ignored EVERYTHING I stated in that therapy session! And he ignored it afterwards too - not once addressing my anger, my outrage and my hurt.

I hate him... I truly hate him.