The ending of my relationship

Yes, I know you didn't.

I am seething with anger and rage all over again.

I told him to never call me again, and to never contact me for anything. He will not be updating me on his father anymore. GOOD RIDDANCE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope My husband is enraging me right now. He continues to dump ALL his feelings of devastation on me, whenever he catches me off guard. He will call me about his father in the hospital and his father's pending death, then he will dump everything he feels onto me, without giving me a chance to speak. He ignores everything I've stated about why I broke up with him, and continues to focus only on HIS feelings. Talk about self-centered and self-absorbed! And he accuses me of giving up after one therapy session, when he ignored EVERYTHING I stated in that therapy session! And he ignored it afterwards too - not once addressing my anger, my outrage and my hurt. I hate him... I truly hate him.

You have the power to hang up on him when he does that. No one is forcing you to listen to it

I know... you're right.

There will be no further contact from here on out.

I’m taking a half day off from work. I’m so upset.

I'm really discouraged. I just had therapy, which did not help me much except to vent a tiny bit (a new therapist). My husband and I fought over text and it's left me angry and ungrounded. He kept trying to push to come today to pick up his things, i kept saying no and he continued to push. I am exasperated. It's not convenient for me, he knew this already yet continued to push it and push it and push it. WTF!

He's ruined me - he's crushed met to the depths of my soul and entire spirit. I will never be the same again. He's ruined everything for me.

You feel crushed atm, but I believe that you will rise again. It will take time. Hang in there!

Good job telling him no. Do you have to keep going back and forth though? I'm wondering if you might just ***not respond*** after telling him no.

Do you think he knows how much he gets under your skin? How happy and satisfied would he be to hear you say that?
The best revenge is living a far better life without him than you could with him. Live your best life without him and it will annoy the crap out of him.

Thanks Bill.

I did stop replying. I told him I was too upset.

I already told him this. Too late.

If his belongings are two boxes (I think that is what you said earlier but I may have confused that info), have you considered mailing them to him - might be costly if they are really large and heavy, but might be worth it to get the deed done and without contact. Another option is a neutral location. In fact, in our area, police departments have safe zones for just this kind of thing. They are specified parking places right outside the police station for divorced parents who need to exchange kids for visitation, or people who buy something online from like Craig's List where you can meet to exchange whatever it is under the lights and security cameras of a police station. It would limit the contact time - they don't like you to linger - and not be at your home.

As far as the texting issue goes, you are going to have to set your boundaries and resist the urge to be reactive - that's what he wants most likely. That would be something to work on in therapy: how to disengage quickly and hold your boundaries so that you don't get sucked into repeated arguments with him. When you take the "thrill" he gets from riling you up away by not reacting, not engaging, he'll start leaving you more alone. (Mind you, he will probably try to push you back into being reactive at first - abusers are good at trying to keep that pattern going - but eventually the "thrill" will be gone).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope He's ruined me - he's crushed met to the depths of my soul and entire spirit. I will never be the same again. He's ruined everything for me.

Keep this thought in mind:....."I will NOT ALLOW anyone to have this kind of power over me." Do you realize how helpless this sounds? Find your inner strength & hold onto that.

Eskie, I know you mean well, but it comes across as condemning. I have been through far too much lately, including him, and it's killing my spirit. I am not helpless.... I am functioning, I am working, and I am moving forward, doing the best I can, but I am not myself and my spirit feels dead.

However, to your point, here's a quote I like:

Thank you. I am able to not see him when he comes to get his boxes. So that's the good news.

I like your suggestion of resisting reactivity. I tried it yesterday and it does diffuse the argument.

It was our exchange yesterday that made me feel dead inside, and I wanted to be dead, so much so that I was having suicidal thoughts. I am so done with him. I cannot wait for him to be out of my life entirely. He has trampled on my spirit, and normally, I am a very spirited, upbeat and energized person. My new boss even told me I have a lot of energy., and that was before our texting exchange yesterday.

I worry I will never be the same, and that I will never be able to trust another man again. I cannot even imagine dating. Not that I would date right now, but it's hard to imagine allowing my heart to be vulnerable ever again.

I am going to pray again. Prayer helps me. I need to be lifted up out of the abyss I am in - I need greater positivity in my life. I need my more positive mentality to shine through. I need my energy back.

The medications I am on I don't think are helping me to feel like myself either. After being in a psych ward, they put me on a couple more heavier meds. I feel them, and they cloud my thinking. I am talking to my psych nurse today about my meds. I want to change them up and drop one of them, at least. I've already cut the dosage in half, upon the guidance of my father who is a psychiatrist. I want to come off this one med. entirely. I need to be sharper at work than I have been in my cognitive thinking. It really bothers me.

I had a far better day today not being in touch with him at all. This is clearly the ticket to my healing. I need to continue not being in touch with him. Now, there is zero reason for us to communicate except for about the divorce, if necessary. I can finally breathe, relax and work on my healing.

This morning's thoughts:

A big part of me wishes that this were ending on the prior note it ended on: with him being completely in the wrong after his infidelity. Now it's ending on a note of I didn't want to try and fix things, which now places the blame on ME. He can now walk away thinking and saying this to himself and other friends. "she didn't want to try" instead of "I messed up and had an affair".

This makes me seriously angry - I want the responsibility to fall on HIM for our failed marriage, but now the blame and responsibility is on ME. It's not right. It's unjust.

I know I cannot control what he thinks or feels, and that I cannot control what he tells our friends. And I have to not care, but I do care.

I want him to feel the brunt of HIS failure to be a good husband. Since he was on his best behavior during this second go around, he can now claim he was a good husband who tried to make things right.

I am sure that his efforts this go around were all about boosting his own ego and making himself feel better about himself.

But for 2.5 years he abused me, and in no way does six weeks of good behavior make up for 2.5 years of abuse. I've told him this, and he keeps saying he tried to make it right and that he's a changed man, but that I didn't want to try.

He won't take responsibility, and that's an injustice I will just have to somehow accept.

But even if it is all his fault, he’d still not think that and won’t tell that to his friends. So it doesn’t really matter what really happened. You not wanting to try or him being a jerk. He’ll believe what he wants and he’ll tell people whatever he wants to tell. He’d tell them he was a good husband regardless of what really happened. So honestly it doesn’t really matter. What matters is you want out. So you are out

Yes, logically I know this. Emotionally I cannot accept it.

It's gaslighting: he believes and claims that his improved behavior now erases everything that happened previously.

I am listening to a podcast on gaslighting and just heard this quote: "the erasing of the abuse is worse than the abuse itself".

It leaves the victim feeling powerless. My reality is being canceled out, leaving me bitter and feeling victimized all over again.

This is the issue:

He claims that he's a completely "changed man", which to him, erases all his prior abuse that I endured in our marriage for 2.5 years. He now claims that I did not want to try and fix things, so I am now to blame - not his infidelity, not his countless acts of dishonesty, and not his abuse. It's that I didn't want to try, especially after only one couples therapy session.

He thinks his best behavior erases all prior abuse. He refuses to talk about the past, and he claims that I live in the past and just want to keep rehashing it.

So now he walks away feeling good about himself because he tried to make things "right" by being the ideal, supportive and loving husband for the last 2 months, and I feel disempowered and bitter because my reality of abuse is not validated or acknowledged.

My truth is erased, and his truth replaces it - classic gaslighting. And now I am left with the bitter injustice of it all. How do I recover from his gaslighting?

Your truth isn’t erased.

Him saying things has nothing to do with truth. Its unrealistic wanting him to accept the truth or validate and acknowledge abuse. If he was the kind of person who admits it validates or acknowledges abuse, he’d likely not be an abuser and you’d not have to divorce. Abusers are not the ones to acknowledge abuse or they’d not abuse in the first place.

You give him too much power and importance. His words or thoughts aren’t of ultimate importance. And you can’t really expect validation from him. It’s not going to happen. And that’s why you got to divorce him and hopefully move on

I'm seeking valIdation right now, not logical reasoning. I cannot be validated by him, so I am looking for validation here right now.

I do know all this in my logical mind - I am dealing with the emotions of it.

Telling me I give him too much power feels like criticism when I'm already very low and feel disempowered. I am seeking empowerment, not criticism. I need to be lifted up.

There is no criticism. I thought suggesting that he and his opinions are not more important that what you think would empower you.

I feel that everyone offered a lot of validation, acknowledgement and support and giving you many suggestions and uplifting and empowering you in many ways possible. I know for sure I offered all that over the months and years. For quite some time I wasn’t the only one responding on threads about your husband offering support and empowering you. You can’t possibly say you weren’t getting all of that on this forum and from me in particular.

I am bowing out.

I didn’t mean to offend you or put you on the defensive. Your input has typically been very helpful and greatly appreciated. It’s just from your one post I felt criticized. I’m very sensitive right now - and am very raw. Sorry if I offended you - it wasn’t meant to be a blanket statement about your posts overall. You’ve been very supportive all along. Don’t leave... you’re like an older sister to me!