Do you attract toxic people?

A toxic friend story - this is just one of many stories I have. My question is at the bottom of the post.

This so-called friend and I have known each other for nearly 30 years. We mainly drank together at the bars whenever we saw each other, or sometimes he helped me with home projects I needed help with. He's always lent an ear whenever I've had a bad breakup - we would go enjoy a few drinks on the beach and I would cry about my broken relationships to him. This went on for years. We always enjoyed each other's company and had a lot of good laughs together. At one point in time, he would introduce me to people as his "wife".

Fast forward to today. I haven't seen very much of him since I married two years ago. He pretty much disappeared from my life, though I texted him from time to time. I knew he had a crush on me all those years, but he never made a move.

I invited him over the other night - needing comfort during my pending divorce. He's been more in touch since the separation five months ago.

He began rubbing my feet, which turned into a leg rub. I didn't mind because my legs were sore. He's given me leg rubs in the past - strictly platonically.

Well, this time, his hands ventured to my private parts near my thigh. I squirmed and pushed his hand away, saying "no, don't go there!". A few minutes later and before I knew it, he was trying to unzip my pants. I jumped away from him and froze. I didn't know how to confront him, so I excused myself to use the bathroom, then told him I needed to go to bed so he needed to go home.

I am appalled and am freaked out. In the past, there were a few times that we had become physical. There were times when we drank together and I would pass out, with him sleeping over my apartment, but in a separate bed.

I am aware of what this means - I need to cut off the friendship entirely. He is no friend of mine.

But I am disgusted and sickened by his behavior and treatment of me. Thirty years of what I considered to be a friendship of sorts, and he just wants in my pants as soon as I am getting a divorce. I knew he had feelings for me, but the total disregard for me and the disrespect is what takes me by surprise.

I will cut ties with this person. He is an alcoholic to boot and I don't need this in my life at this juncture.

I am seeing that I need far healthier people around me, and the ones who are not healthy, I must cut loose.

But it makes me feel very alone. I need new friends, it's covid, and I am 50 years old - soon to be a divorcee. UGH. I am just sick of attracting toxic people into my life. My soon to be ex husband was/is abusive and extremely toxic for me, and this man is clearly toxic. I've had many unhealthy relationships and seem to pick up all the broken strays. I know I need higher standards, but it makes me feel very alone.

I need to find healthier people, but I don't know where to start or look - everywhere I go in life, I pick up toxic types of people.

Anyone else feel that they mainly attract toxic people?

A part of it for me is that for years, my social life revolved around live music and the bar scene. I went to bars a lot for the live music, so I created my social life based on this scene.

I realize I need to branch out and find healthier social scenes - like joining a hiking group, a singing group, or a kayaking group - a healthy activity that attracts healthy types of people. BUT, this will be brand new to me - branching out and away from live music, which I have done for the last 30 years. I am a creature of habit - aren't we all?

It's taking the first step which is hardest.

Reaching out to people who you have a sort of conflicted or messy past with to make you feel better is often a sure-fire way to invite trouble in. In order to change old patterns, we have to make clear changes, not go back to old times.

I’m going to be honest here. You may need to avoid men for a bit while you figure out how to be comfortable with yourself. You ended up in your marriage because, as I understand it, you didn’t want to be alone.

Work on finding you - independent of reliance on others to make you feel whole. When you really reach that place of personal comfort in yourself, at that point, you will be less likely to fall prey to people who are out to exploit your vulnerability.

@ArtleyWilkins, thank you! Very wise words!

I understand this logically in my mind - I realize I need to overhaul myself and change myself. I do realize I need to sit by myself for a while --I married on a serious rebound from a broken engagement. I less so married or got involved out of loneliness, and more so out of wanting revenge. Poor reasons, I understand, but it's where my mentality was at during that timeframe. I was very hurt by my ex fiancé and brought that into the very next relationship.

I have been alone a lot of times in my life - the longest is 8 months. But now, I see I must remover from years of abuse, spend time rediscovering myself again, and finding healthier friendships. I must shed the old ways and being anew again. I see what is needed - now it's a matter of breaking patterns and habits at an older age. Old habits die hard as they say.

1. You know he had a crush on you for years.
2. You’re both aware of your situations (you’re in the middle of a divorce, and he’s separated).
3. You invited him to your house during the night/evening time.
4. You allowed him to rub your feet and then legs.

Pretty unusual way of spending time with a friend… I would consider it to be invitation for something more. Sure, the guy is a f….. g idiot for going so fast instead of playing it slow, but this situation YOU put him in was very… ambiguous.

Did you read through the entire post? He overstepped the boundaries and it was not an invitation for something more on my part. That's not fair of you to say. That's like blaming the victim of rape for the rapist's actions. We have been platonic friends for a very long time. Sure, we had fooled around years ago, but that was years ago. That doesn't invite a similar type of situation NOW. There's been plenty of times when he's given me back rubs with nothing more happening.

I don't care about the past or your boundaries (haha as if anyone always stick to any boundaries). You're a woman attracted to men. He's a man attracted to women.

You were both in very vulnerable states. People don't think clearly then. You should get some coffee during the day time. None of this would have happened.

Furthermore, I think you could easily get him arrested for the hand thing. It's a weird, "rape-type" of a move.

It IS a rape type of move and I am entirely creeped out by it. I have decided to cut him out of my life completely - he's an alcoholic, and I drink far more when I am around him - NOT good for me, on top of this sleazy maneuver.

He's not separated by the way, and is not in a vulnerable place. I am in a vulnerable place because of my divorce.

Sounds horrid. I am glad you are safe

I’ve been around the block few times and then some. I am yet to meet a man who’d platonically rubbing women’s feet and legs. Not happening. Unless of course he is a professional masseuse and you are in a massage parlor. This dude has other things in mind. Not saying it’s your fault he borderline assaulted you, of course not, but the guy isn’t your true friend in any shape or form. Never see him again please. I think you are a very nice person who gives other people too much credit.

I’d try to find new friends. I don’t think you need to stop liking music but crowd that drinks to the point of passing out and not knowing what the heck they are doing (weren’t there women flirting with your husband in that circle? was the guy assaulting you drunk as well?)might not be the best people for you. Honestly, they lack class.

Sadly activities that involve lots of boozing and partying sometimes attract not the best crowds of people: your husband, this dude, other strange characters. Stick to all women groups for now. Not saying join knitting group or only go to museums, still could be live music. But when you are vulnerable, men company is no good for you, especially these kind of men: party goers/boozers/stoners etc

I disagree that you need to be by yourself.

It’s perfectly fine to hang out with friends, pursue hobbies and doing things. No need to sit home alone. It’s very much recommended to rely on friendships in hard times.

What I do think you need to do it to stay away from men and bar scenes/partying. But it doesn’t mean you must sit around alone

@divine1966. thanks, and yes, I am safe.

Generally speaking, I wish to minimize my time at bars and to be outdoors more. The crowds I've generally run in that hang out in the bar music scene DO lack class, I've learned over time.

@divine1966, thank you.

What I meant was I need to be by myself in the romance department, not the friends department.

But friendship-wise, I need new friends, and that's difficult to accomplish. I do make friends easily, so I think it's very possible to establish new friendships, but I worry because I am 50 years old and everyone seems settled in their lives with the friends they already have. I have tried to reach out to several women acquaintances over the last year to establish more of a friendship, but it hasn't worked out too well so far. Of course, it's been covid all year too, so that makes it even harder.

This is why I know I need to join some outdoor groups and meet people other than in my music scene. The music and bar scene has grown old for me, though I still want to enjoy live music since it's my greatest passion. I just need to be aware that a lot of people who run in this crowd are not the kinds of people I want to invest time in.

Yes. I have a friend that has the same problem. My only thought is that we both look and act alike. Many people confuse us.

I am 55 and meeting new people. You can meet new people at 50. It might seem that everyone is settled with friends they have but that’s far from the truth. Many women are looking for friends and activities to do. Trust me on that.

I’m glad you’re safe and managed to get rid of him. It’s not your fault, you obviously didn’t know what was really going through his mind at that moment. I don’t think arousal is always easy to spot.

Yes I can relate, I thought I was done with alcoholics and then I found myself getting involved with one last may.

I don’t have any 30 year old friendships with males, so I can’t relate to that part however I would say if you’re not attracted to your friend I would definitely cut it off.

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Yes, I believe you can meet people at any age. It's just been my experience so far that it's been difficult, but again, that's mainly been through dark covid months.

Thanks.

He's a serious jerk for doing what he did. I have NO idea what was going through his mind, but he took advantage of me being in a very vulnerable state.

Definitely not attracted. My so called friend is a raging alcoholic, and I've known this for years. We used to have loads of fun together when I was partying more, but now that I am older and have slowed way down, it's very different. I don't feel the same way, nor do I wish to be the same way.

Sounds like a deal breaker to me .

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So Sorry you had to deal with this! That was definitely inappropriate! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about being Hopefully possible to meet new friends even at your age. i think it is possible to find new friends that don't engage in bad behavior. i realize that it can seem hard though. i'd suggest to not give up. Just take things one step at the time. Sorry if my post wasn't really Helpful but i do Hope things will improve for you as well as your Marriage. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

It definitely is. And the unwanted groping is entirely unacceptable.

Thanks, Mickey.

I know there are decent people out there... I just need to find them somehow.

Have you sought out therapy to help you deal with the divorce and figure out what you do want in life?

Actually, my husband and I are patching things up and are trying again. So far so good!