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  #26  
Old Jun 01, 2021, 11:52 AM
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Have Hope Have Hope is offline
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
I ended the other relationship because my ex fiancé was homeless at the time. I’m not at all confused. The current relationship has really clarified things for me about the past relationship. However my ex fiancé continues to ignore me even though he said he hasn’t been with anyone and he’s waiting for me to fix this.

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It sounds like you need to break it off with the current relationship if you want to be with your ex fiance. Perhaps he's ignoring you because you're with someone else and he wants you to break up with him.
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  #27  
Old Jun 01, 2021, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
I feel (as I do with my ex husband and my mother) that if I had just acted differently things would’ve been different . I do feel it was my fault . We didn’t really integrate into each other’s lives. I mean he became a part of mine but I didn’t become a part of his. I know I need help with this.

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It’s not uncommon to feel that you had to so something differently to make it better, but usually it’s not why relationship didn’t work out.
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  #28  
Old Jun 01, 2021, 06:25 PM
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It’s not uncommon to feel that you had to so something differently to make it better, but usually it’s not why relationship didn’t work out.

Well it didn’t work out because I walked away from him in 2019, 2 years after I evicted his stuff from my apartment.

I regret my behavior however I also understand it .

A friend of mine said if he truly loved me he’d give me closure .

He hasn’t done that.

He implied I’m the narcissist however I’m not the one denying him closure in 2021.
I last had communication with him by text in April or last month. I deleted the message. I wish I hadn’t. It wasn’t nice. It was blaming me for the failure of the relationship. Today I could eat crow and say “fine it’s all my fault, so can we fix this?”
  #29  
Old Jun 01, 2021, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
It sounds like you need to break it off with the current relationship if you want to be with your ex fiance. Perhaps he's ignoring you because you're with someone else and he wants you to break up with him.

I’m not engaged or living with anyone else. I haven’t even spoken to my ex fiancé about my life since I left him. He was living with his wife when we met online. He ignored me before for months , even lied to me about where he was living and justified it.

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  #30  
Old Jun 01, 2021, 06:31 PM
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None of them are giving you what you want and both seem pretty unreliable. It's all well and good to have a rosy view re the ex but he wasn't making you happy either.

I would suggest taking a step back from relationships and this urgency to get married. Take time to be with yourself, do personal work (e.g. pattern of going for unavailable or unsatisfying men) and then see if romance comes along.

Don't rush into marriage for the sake of it. None of these men are cutting it.
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  #31  
Old Jun 01, 2021, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
Well it didn’t work out because I walked away from him in 2019, 2 years after I evicted his stuff from my apartment.

I regret my behavior however I also understand it .

A friend of mine said if he truly loved me he’d give me closure .

He hasn’t done that.

He implied I’m the narcissist however I’m not the one denying him closure in 2021.
I last had communication with him by text in April or last month. I deleted the message. I wish I hadn’t. It wasn’t nice. It was blaming me for the failure of the relationship. Today I could eat crow and say “fine it’s all my fault, so can we fix this?”
Relationship didn’t work out because he is unreliable, dishonest and too unstable for healthy relationship. You said he isn’t answering your phone calls. You can’t make people be with you or talk to you if they don’t want to. And honestly if you the one who ended a relationship, why do you expect him to provide you with closure. Was it he who ended it? If not it’s not his job to provide closure

Relationship ended two years ago. I’d work with a therapist on getting to the bottom of attraction to all these unavailable men who don’t treat you right and your difficulty letting it go.
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  #32  
Old Jun 02, 2021, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
None of them are giving you what you want and both seem pretty unreliable. It's all well and good to have a rosy view re the ex but he wasn't making you happy either.

I would suggest taking a step back from relationships and this urgency to get married. Take time to be with yourself, do personal work (e.g. pattern of going for unavailable or unsatisfying men) and then see if romance comes along.

Don't rush into marriage for the sake of it. None of these men are cutting it.

I’m not rushing into marriage, you misread me, I’m at an age where a relationship without a future is pointless. Also there was no rushing. It was over a year between when I ended the last one for the 2nd time and found myself in the next one. I wasn’t looking for a relationship.

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  #33  
Old Jun 02, 2021, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Relationship didn’t work out because he is unreliable, dishonest and too unstable for healthy relationship. You said he isn’t answering your phone calls. You can’t make people be with you or talk to you if they don’t want to. And honestly if you the one who ended a relationship, why do you expect him to provide you with closure. Was it he who ended it? If not it’s not his job to provide closure

Relationship ended two years ago. I’d work with a therapist on getting to the bottom of attraction to all these unavailable men who don’t treat you right and your difficulty letting it go.

He claims to have ended it and yes I reached out to my old therapist. Also, I didn’t understand the attachment my boyfriend has to his mother’s house right off the bat. They would be fine if I moved in there so I wouldn’t say he’s unavailable or that he mistreats me. That was more my ex fiancé at the time I left as he was living in a shelter .

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  #34  
Old Jun 02, 2021, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
He claims to have ended it and yes I reached out to my old therapist. Also, I didn’t understand the attachment my boyfriend has to his mother’s house right off the bat. They would be fine if I moved in there so I wouldn’t say he’s unavailable or that he mistreats me. That was more my ex fiancé at the time I left as he was living in a shelter .

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You said your boyfriend isn’t proposing or making any plans to marry. It sounded like you want to be married but he isn’t taking any steps towards commitment. In that sense he isn’t available. He might be ok if you move there, but he isn’t proposing. Also drinking in access makes people unavailable. Any time one is not “with it” they are unavailable. I am glad he isn’t treating poorly
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  #35  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 01:04 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Well my ex fiancé divorced in 2018. And I’m not sure what to do about my current boyfriend. I have definitely discussed the future with him and it doesn’t look good at all .

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I don’t know what the likely percentages but at least in a totally almost everyone I know that has an affair with a married person or is married and has an affair and gets together with The person that is considered the “other woman or man” is often told and promised things about the married person that either is blatantly untrue, or not even possible, or even if it was possible the time involved for that person to unravel and unwind themselves from their current marriage is often longer than they say or predict it will be. I’m just not a fan of cheaters. And sometimes I wonder why people are surprised when cheaters cheat. Previous behavior such a standard and when you were aware of that standard it’s sort of like a pre-warning that you need to keep in the back of your mind should you pursue this relationship. I’m curious as to why you feel you need to run into your ex fiancé or are curious and communicating with him and know that he lives in the same city as you? Does your current boyfriend know of these communications and curiosities?

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  #36  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post


I don’t know what the likely percentages but at least in a totally almost everyone I know that has an affair with a married person or is married and has an affair and gets together with The person that is considered the “other woman or man” is often told and promised things about the married person that either is blatantly untrue, or not even possible, or even if it was possible the time involved for that person to unravel and unwind themselves from their current marriage is often longer than they say or predict it will be. I’m just not a fan of cheaters. And sometimes I wonder why people are surprised when cheaters cheat. Previous behavior such a standard and when you were aware of that standard it’s sort of like a pre-warning that you need to keep in the back of your mind should you pursue this relationship. I’m curious as to why you feel you need to run into your ex fiancé or are curious and communicating with him and know that he lives in the same city as you? Does your current boyfriend know of these communications and curiosities?

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Have you had experience ? My current boyfriend has neither proposed to me nor is in any position to propose to me (lives in the house he grew up in with no intent to leave), so in terms of loyalty, it’s not to me. No I’m not in contact with my ex anymore. I was talking about the emotional turmoil I’m living with.

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  #37  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You said your boyfriend isn’t proposing or making any plans to marry. It sounded like you want to be married but he isn’t taking any steps towards commitment. In that sense he isn’t available. He might be ok if you move there, but he isn’t proposing. Also drinking in access makes people unavailable. Any time one is not “with it” they are unavailable. I am glad he isn’t treating poorly

He doesn’t drink to excess, he just drinks to maintain. I’m saying his mom would love it if I moved in to her house. I’m not saying I want to marry him, I’m saying he’s not marriage material at all .

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  #38  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 08:50 AM
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I was talking about the emotional turmoil I’m living with.
Why are you holding onto the emotional turmoil instead of getting on with living a better life & leaving this crap behind? What is your purpose for holding on to it?
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  #39  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 09:45 AM
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Why are you holding onto the emotional turmoil instead of getting on with living a better life & leaving this crap behind? What is your purpose for holding on to it?

You think it’s a choice? I’m still in love with my ex fiancé. I didn’t know I was when I walked away from him. That was my second attempt at fixing the relationship. This is my third and it’s failing.

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  #40  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 11:04 AM
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You think it’s a choice? I’m still in love with my ex fiancé. I didn’t know I was when I walked away from him. That was my second attempt at fixing the relationship. This is my third and it’s failing.

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I don't just THINK it is a choice, I KNOW it is. I have been there & I know we choose to let go or to hang on to the past that no longer exists.
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  #41  
Old Jun 03, 2021, 01:26 PM
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I don't just THINK it is a choice, I KNOW it is. I have been there & I know we choose to let go or to hang on to the past that no longer exists.

I read your bio. I was the one who pushed my ex fiancé to get a diagnosis and it turns out it was aspergers. I’ve been divorced too. If I let go of the past then I have almost nothing as the present has almost nothing. I am starting therapy again today. There were a couple of moments I should have walked away from my boyfriend but I didn’t and now I’m stuck in the mud. I see that you are also a Christian so I would ask you to pray for me as I struggle once again to find the light.

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  #42  
Old Jun 04, 2021, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
He doesn’t drink to excess, he just drinks to maintain. I’m saying his mom would love it if I moved in to her house. I’m not saying I want to marry him, I’m saying he’s not marriage material at all .

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I have not had these experiences. I got married when I was 20 and have been married for 25 years.

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  #43  
Old Jun 04, 2021, 01:08 AM
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I have not had these experiences. I got married when I was 20 and have been married for 25 years.

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So then our experience is vastly different.

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  #44  
Old Jun 04, 2021, 05:48 AM
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I read your bio. I was the one who pushed my ex fiancé to get a diagnosis and it turns out it was aspergers. I’ve been divorced too. If I let go of the past then I have almost nothing as the present has almost nothing. I am starting therapy again today. There were a couple of moments I should have walked away from my boyfriend but I didn’t and now I’m stuck in the mud. I see that you are also a Christian so I would ask you to pray for me as I struggle once again to find the light.

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If you let go of the past, you have a whole new future ahead. It doesn't require a man in our life to make it meaningful. I have found a whole new life & there has been no man in my life for 14 years. Finally got the legal divorce 3 years ago but still dealing with legal issues against him.

So glad to hear you are starting therapy again. Seriously, DBT was the best intense 2 year group with individual therapy I ever had. I learned so many useful skills & learned how dysfunctional my whole life had been which was why I never learned those skills earlier in life. Sometimes we just need to start fresh.

Will definitely keep you in my prayers. You can PM me if you want to talk as you struggle to find "the light" again. I was there but when I got free from the past, I was able to spend so much time studying the Bible & experiencing a real relationship with God that I couldn't when my emotions were caught up in the past.
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  #45  
Old Jun 04, 2021, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
I read your bio. I was the one who pushed my ex fiancé to get a diagnosis and it turns out it was aspergers. I’ve been divorced too. If I let go of the past then I have almost nothing as the present has almost nothing. I am starting therapy again today. There were a couple of moments I should have walked away from my boyfriend but I didn’t and now I’m stuck in the mud. I see that you are also a Christian so I would ask you to pray for me as I struggle once again to find the light.

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I, too, am Christian and had separated from my husband last Nov. Since then, I've discovered the meaning and value of having and holding faith in a whole new light. I pray regularly. Prayer is giving me a far greater sense of peace and comfort. I know that my prayers will be answered, as they always have been answered. Bringing faith back into your life can give it so much more shape, value and meaning.

I think I can understand your struggle. I used to be very stuck on a past relationship while in another relationship. Perhaps the present relationship isn't fulfilling enough for you, and it seems it's going nowhere towards a more permanent future. Perhaps that's why you're stuck on a past relationship that held more promise? Or perhaps there are issues left unresolved from the past relationship, making it harder to fully move on in the present moment? Only you know the answers.... for me, it was the latter - there were many unresolved issues from the past relationship that kept me focused on my past.

I have now devoted myself to a more spiritual existence, and it's helping to ground me and to give me hope and peace. Perhaps doing some spiritual work will help you, too, in addition to seeing a therapist.
__________________
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Thanks for this!
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  #46  
Old Jun 04, 2021, 06:03 AM
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post


If you let go of the past, you have a whole new future ahead. It doesn't require a man in our life to make it meaningful. I have found a whole new life & there has been no man in my life for 14 years. Finally got the legal divorce 3 years ago but still dealing with legal issues against him.

So glad to hear you are starting therapy again. Seriously, DBT was the best intense 2 year group with individual therapy I ever had. I learned so many useful skills & learned how dysfunctional my whole life had been which was why I never learned those skills earlier in life. Sometimes we just need to start fresh.

Will definitely keep you in my prayers. You can PM me if you want to talk as you struggle to find "the light" again. I was there but when I got free from the past, I was able to spend so much time studying the Bible & experiencing a real relationship with God that I couldn't when my emotions were caught up in the past.

Cool. I did my 2 years + of dbt a while back

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  #47  
Old Jun 04, 2021, 06:04 AM
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leomama leomama is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I, too, am Christian and had separated from my husband last Nov. Since then, I've discovered the meaning and value of having and holding faith in a whole new light. I pray regularly. Prayer is giving me a far greater sense of peace and comfort. I know that my prayers will be answered, as they always have been answered. Bringing faith back into your life can give it so much more shape, value and meaning.

I think I can understand your struggle. I used to be very stuck on a past relationship while in another relationship. Perhaps the present relationship isn't fulfilling enough for you, and it seems it's going nowhere towards a more permanent future. Perhaps that's why you're stuck on a past relationship that held more promise? Or perhaps there are issues left unresolved from the past relationship, making it harder to fully move on in the present moment? Only you know the answers.... for me, it was the latter - there were many unresolved issues from the past relationship that kept me focused on my past.

I have now devoted myself to a more spiritual existence, and it's helping to ground me and to give me hope and peace. Perhaps doing some spiritual work will help you, too, in addition to seeing a therapist.

Doing both thank you I think my job may not be good for my mental health

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