Public record of our relationship

I personally don’t care what other people think and who they recommend. You said your ex husband was an alcoholic. That’s a red flag or rather red banner and pretty much a sign that there will be no healthy relationship. Him being fun is irrelevant. Ex fiancée was married and lied not only about marriage but about many other things. Red flag. Deal breaker. Who cares what others think. Current man is a heavy drinker (although you said he started to drink less), red flag. He might be intelligent but so many other people. Doesn’t mean he is going to be happily ever after.

You evaluate on what you see. Not what you hope is going to change and not what others tell you. Every man you meet you hope will change. But they don’t (some adjustments sure but they don’t change at their core).

I’ve met some men my family thought were great and I am silly not responding to their advances. But them thinking someone is great doesn’t make it so

All these men might be smart and fun and liked by general public but they aren’t good partners. That’s the point. It doesn’t take many years to see it. Is it easy? No. I made these same mistakes myself.

I didn’t say my current man as you call him was a heavy drinker, I said he was a maintenance drinker meaning he drank every day . I’ve never seen him drunk.

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Ok so he doesn’t drink to the point of being drunk. That’s good.

But regardless how much he drinks, you said you aren’t happy with him and he shares all deal breakers of your ex plus takes it to another level. Bottom line he is not Mr. Right either.

It’s your life of course and you can keep going for these wrong partners. But I recommend to find a good therapist and work on breaking a pattern of going for these men (attraction to these men likely stems from your family of origin and it’s hard to break this pattern but you can do it).

I think time will be better spent on trying to break this cycle rather than trying to get ex partners to come back to you or trying to change them. It’s a waste of your mental energy.

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist . I agree with you about my ex fiancé. Since he wants to be stubborn, as he put it. I’m actually not going for a wrong partner. I’m not trying to change them. I never said I had a partner.

I know all about of family of origin work as well.

I don’t think we’re reaching an understanding yet however I agree it is wrong to pursue my ex fiancé a second time.

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Got you. Some people don’t like words boyfriend or what not so I use “partner”. So if you aren’t going for wrong men and choosing the right ones to partner with, then it’s all good.

Actually there’s a big difference between boyfriend and partner. They are different levels of relationship. I haven’t chosen anyone to partner with. I get the feeling you’re being slightly dismissive but it could be the anonymity of the text medium. I assume you’re trying to help. I get that I need to let go of my ex fiancé keeping a public record , which was what this thread was about. We’ve diverged into some very irrelevant stuff, no?

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FYI, if someone is REALLY a "soulmate" they will be a REAL partner. If not then your loose use of terms describing your relationship is inaccurate & maybe indicates that you, yourself have relationship problems also & not just the other people involved

It’s actually very common which is why this is the busiest forum amongst all. Same with the depression forum.

We’re talking about two different relationships . Pleas go back and reread. This thread was about my ex fiancé not the boyfriend. I never said my ex fiancé wasn’t my partner. I never said the boyfriend was my soulmate or my partner.

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Originally Posted by leomama We’re talking about two different relationships . Pleas go back and reread. This thread was about my ex fiancé not the boyfriend. I never said my ex fiancé wasn’t my partner. I never said the boyfriend was my soulmate or my partner. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well the guy who is your ex fiancee sure doesn't act like a soulmate or a partner & actions speak louder than words

Thank you, this line was great. Came just at the right time. Yesterday I was thinking about the 2nd bad, traumatic relationship I had (I had two in total), and somehow I was looking at patterns very far back in childhood, recognising something about them and trying to transform them in my own mind and emotionally if that makes any sense at all.

(It doesn't even have to be about romantic relationships. Just any kind of attached relationship. That 2nd bad relationship wasn't a romantic one)

I agree that today he isn’t acting like a soulmate or partner . And thank you , I accept that he has left multiple public records of our relationship. I think we’ve reached the conclusion of this thread as that what it was about. I appreciate your input .

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Originally Posted by leomama I agree that today he isn’t acting like a soulmate or partner . And thank you , I accept that he has left multiple public records of our relationship. I think we’ve reached the conclusion of this thread as that what it was about. I appreciate your input . Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, & leaving multiple public records of a relationship is definitely NOT what a soulmate or partner would do. Glad you are recognizing this & analyzing some past relationship issues. They can definitely highlight problems & areas we need to reinforce against in our current lives. My T called that "integration".

I have been analyzing past relationship issues ever since my marriage started falling apart due to my ex husbands drinking . That would be my past relationship in comparison to my ex fiancé. I’m curious why you say a soulmate wouldn’t leave multiple public accounts of our past relationship.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama I have been analyzing past relationship issues ever since my marriage started falling apart due to my ex husbands drinking . That would be my past relationship in comparison to my ex fiancé. I’m curious why you say a soulmate wouldn’t leave multiple public accounts of our past relationship. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Soulmates are more private with the person they are soulmates with. Quality relationships don't need a public broadcast.

I’m curious why you think that? The quality relationships part. He’s private in the sense that it’s not attached to my legal name on one social media site.

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Originally Posted by leomama I’m curious why you think that? The quality relationships part. He’s private in the sense that it’s not attached to my legal name on one social media site. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Seriously, anything put out on social media is not private, legal name used or not. Splitting hairs trying to justify it being private doesn't make it right. REAL RELATIONSHIPS communicate before doing anything like that to ask if it is ok in the first place

At the time he posted that, last August , we weren’t communicating . I was dating someone else at the time and he knew it somehow. It was on an account he made to friend my friends , none of his friends were on there . I don’t think social media means anything to him, I think he’s said as much.

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Whether social media means anything or not to him, doing what he did showed a total lack of regard for you & your daughter. That lack of regard is definitely a sign of how his mind functions (or lack of function). You probably will never know WHY he really did it.

After living 33 years with my now ex, I never could figure out how his messed up thinking ever worked & I want to put energy into a real relationship, not wasting my time trying to figure out how someone's brain is working & causing an imbalance in my own life. When I sence a level of conflict like that now, I block people like that out of my personal life.

Well I had blocked him at the time . I thought he had bpd, it turned out he had autism.
I had one therapist that said don’t block, just don’t react.
I think you and I see things fundamentally different and we’ve also had very divergent experience.
I only was married for 5 years. I asked my ex husband to leave before we reached the 6 year mark.
I never lived with my ex fiancé, I never even visited his house. The whole time we were in a relationship he was living in another state and then when I found out he hadn’t filed for divorce after being engaged for 3 years I broke it off. When he finally moved out here 2 years later I had enough and I made him take all his belongings out of my apartment. That devastated him. I had asked him over and over again to show me his divorce papers and he refused so I didn’t see them until yet another year later and that was by “accident”. It literally took him over 6 years to allow me to see divorce papers and by that time he was willfully homeless. I had found him a place to live in my county but he left it citing a mental breakdown when I wouldn’t resume the relationship until I saw the papers .

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I think you and I see things fundamentally different

you got that right. First off, my moral values would never ever get involved with a married man. Second, I would NEVER tolerate the crap you did.

I actually had a cross country BF as a senior in high school. We had met on the train traveling across the country several years before. Then we got together again our senior year of high school. He talked about getting married when we graduated. Instead, I got a letter saying he was getting married to a girl he went to school with. THEN a few months later telling me what a mistake he made getting married to her & would I take him back. Easiest letter I ever wrote considering I had really liked him more than anyone else & had thought he might be "mr right".....but the letter he got was "tough $#!+, you made your choice now live with it. Don't ever contact me again". I spent a lot of time after his "dear john" letter realizing that I NEVER wanted to define myself by a guy in my life. I wanted my identity based on who I was & what I did with my own life & not a marriage or a man. College, degree & a career became my goal in life & stayed that way even when I got married. Now I am divorced, I have no desire to have any man in my life to mess with the balance & peace I have finally achieved....so yes, we definitely see things very differently because you seem desperate to have a man in your life to keep things messed up.

Okay, I might be off my rocker or something, but it sounds like you blame yourself or try to find how you did something wrong (with your marriage) and now you do it with your ex fiance, AND since he baits you with that (telling you that you need to change) you believe him and go into this kind of doubting spiral.

I’d say that soulmate would be in tune with your needs and feelings and when asked to remove public records of your relationship, would most certainly do so to make sure your needs and feelings are respected. Nothing in this man’s behavior neither then nor now indicates him being a soulmate. He also seems to be playing with your heart and messing with your head. It’s a bit of mental and emotional abuse that he engages in.

A mutual friend told me we brought out the worst in each other . Another mutual friend told me that’s what people in relationships do. So I’m owning the worst in me. I actually heard the words “dismissive” and “ridicule” from the boyfriend this week. I heard those same words from the ex fiancé. I don’t know how to take my space when the relationship goes wrong. I have a therapy appointment in 2 weeks where I can address this. Honestly I’m not looking for a specific outcome with the ex fiancé other then peace. I told him all I wanted was to be able to be friends at this point without fussing and fighting. I was able to make amends with the ex husband . I’d like to achieve the same with the ex fiancé . If I’m able to achieve that goal, then I’ll see if there’s a next step.

I hear what you’re saying and I’ll repeat that we brought out the worst in each other. I’m seeing that happen again with the boyfriend, which indicates to me that I need to work on myself . I tend to be attracted to men with control issues which both the boyfriend and the ex fiancé have/had. The boyfriend is even more frustrating then the ex fiancé because the boyfriend is passive while at least the ex fiancé was direct. I’ve been told by all three of the men in my life : ex husband, ex fiancé, boyfriend that I’m verbally abusive, either directly or indirectly . This of course comes after much time of me pleading with them to change their toxic behavior that is detrimental to me . I should really start another thread to sort out my issues as this one is getting messy .

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