How to let a good one go?

You are giving me flashbacks to one of my exes and another who I guess I'd call a 'never was.' Some people and relationships are really hard to quit even when you know they are going nowhere because the other person has been 100% upfront. I think it gets confusing when what they do is a little bit different from what they say.

Oh, don't worry about wasting anyone's time.. you're not. I was just curious to know what you were hoping to get out of the thread since you said you're Ok with things as they are, that's all.

And yes, you do need to figure it out for yourself. We all do, in the end. People's opinions can take us only so far, but then we have to decide for ourselves.

He's been up front with you & told you he doesn't want a relationship. Stop sitting around hoping that will change & deal with the reality of what is. Seriously "desperate" is unbecoming at any age

Ruin things on your own? I can totally relate to your struggle . Did you read my thread about my ex fiancé ? He told me he’s with nobody else yet it’s been since Thursday at 11pm that he texted and Friday at midnight that he called. Yeah he called me three times friday at midnight and left me three messages. Insists there’s never been another . Yet never answers his phone . So what advice would you give me?

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I've skimmed through some of your thread @leomama I feel for you, it's hard to let go of someone you loved. I guess I'd saytry to forget both the ex fiance and definitely stop seeing and being in contact other than work with the current bf situation with his mother. Neither seem good for you. Hugs to you

I did say I was seeming desperate, but there's borderline there. He was always good with everything. But yeah, if I ever seem needy that's a complete turn off. I don't think I did much, except this last text. But I just thought I'd mention I was going around his way. I'm fine, sure if I don't see him again I'll miss him, but i know that day is coming and that's the reality with any kind of relationship, anything can happen. I could be in an accident tomorrow and die. I'd like to get as much fun out of life while I can. THanks for the way you come across eskielover, it isn't exactly nice and it sounds judgemental.

And I'm quite in reality, I'm not sitting around in dreamland with a fantasy that this is anything other than what it's been. I think in a previous post I made it quite clear that I'm good with whatever happens. I said a prayer for him, and I've asked God to give me an answer as to what to do. As far as I think that is concerned, God is fine with me continuing to see him, but definitely not running my own financial resources dry by driving to him. He'll come my way, that's what I believe. The highest form of love is called Phileo.... Christian love for one another is the highest form of love that Jesus taught us to have. Sorry if religion is offensive to anyone, but this is the first Christian man I've had in my life, and I'm sure I'm not done with this man yet. Sorry I seemed reactive to your post @eskielover It just seemed too blunt.

I wasn’t saying you were borderline , I was suggesting your boyfriend was.

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I like how you said you want to have as much fun as possible. There is nothing wrong with having fun. I think it would be more fun hanging out with people you can have fun with though. Don’t even need to be romantic. Friendships and casual encounters with people are fun. It doesn’t seem much fun though if you never see this person or talk to. It doesn’t sound like fun.

It’s good to find people who share the same faith. Unfortunately if he is not engaged in conversations and meetings with you his faith isn’t as relevant to the situation. He has to be on the same page with you for it to matter. There are many religious men out there who’d be interested in romantic relationships with women of the same faith and for whom faith is important. He isn’t interested though

Have you considered making friends in your area?

Thanks leomama for clarifying that with me. He's mentioned he thinks he's a narcissist.. I know what a true narcissist. To me this was a way for him to see if I know anything about psychology, and I do know what a narcissist is. I just said, no I don't see it, you'd own the best of everything, you'd be obsessed with your looks, you'd love power and he is someone who is generous. A bit dominant, but that's what males are.

He has a way of making me feel good. The comment about his past gf being as smart as a whip, is just a passing comment. She was bulemic, don't know if I spelled that right, and he tried to help her before she died. I guess he couldn't understand how she was quite smart but couldn't see she was killing herself slowly. He's already said he knows I'm smart, whether it be musically inclined or what.. he wasn't sure. So he hasn't been anything other than a good influence in my life.

My withdrawal isn't about love, sex or that, it's opiods that are prescribed for pain, so I'm quite moody and react to quickly to comments. Thanks again. If I could help you leomama I would, I don't know an answer. Maybe the ex fiance needs to know you're single, and not involved anymore. Maybe there is a future with him in store for you. I wish you all the best.

Yes, I need more gfs in my area. I have a job interview coming up, but again it's far from here. I saw my old hairstyling partner today, she's so kind and fun to be with, I had a great time. Maybe I should open up myself to find someone that belongs to a church. When covid opens up churches again I'll be going, and I might find a man that wants more than this one who is more like a distant friend that anything else.

Thanks. I wasn’t so much asking for your help as in pointing out similarities in our stories . The ex fiancé has his own set of issues . I think you would benefit the most from the thrive after abuse website and YouTube channel . She also has a Facebook group .

I can totally relate. I met a guy from an online dating site 3 years ago. We've been talking for quite a while so I decided to meet him. We also agreed that we are just casually dating, so nothing serious. He also said he doesn't believe in love and things like that. I was okay with it, but as we continued going out, I started really liking him. After some months, he told me that his company was sending him to another country. I was sad but of course, there was nothing I could do about that.

After a month, I went out with another guy who quickly got rid of me after 2 months. I was still texting that guy I met online and one day I decided to visit him abroad because I was actually dying to see him even though I knew it meant nothing. He came back to my country and I was happy about it. A few months later, he texted me saying he has a girlfriend. It really broke my heart because he was the one always saying that he didn't believe in love. I just said congratulations and I was happy for him. It's ridiculous but I felt like, was I worth anything to anyone? I realize how stupid it is now.

Months passed and he suddenly told me that he broke up with his girlfriend. I was also dating someone else. What really hurt me was when he said they've been together for 2 years. That's even before we met, so I told him I was very angry about him lying to me. He said sorry and I accepted it. I couldn't let him go even though I was so upset. I hated myself for it.

They got back together after a while and he asked me to do something for him and his girlfriend believing that I would do that as a friend. I declined and stopped talking to him. Then, COVID happened. I thought I was infected when my dad got it, so I thought I can't die without talking to him for the last time. Ever since then, we started texting again and it became more and more often. Every single day we exchanged messages and pictures. We sometimes even call each other. I never asked about the girlfriend. I knew we were just friends, though. I was just happy and thought I'd just enjoy this while it lasted.

Just last month, he started telling me about his girlfriend again and even though I thought I'd forgotten about the hurt, I realized I didn't. It triggered my depression. I forgot to mention it earlier, but he was the reason my depression was triggered 3 times in the past 3 years. Then, he started telling me that I should move on from the past and find a boyfriend. He said that my life shouldn't stop just because I had a bad experience before, and the "worst" that could happen if I get hurt again is that I get a panic attack. I was furious because over the past few years, he never actually listened to my struggles with depression and just believed it was a panic attack. And so, I decided to end my stupidity.

For almost a month now, I stopped talking to him. I thought of just ghosting him, but that's very immature. He was asking me what was wrong and I just told him I was sick. I also told him it'll take time for me to recover, so I won't be texting him. It was vague but I figured he understood what I meant. I let go and I'd never go back. I knew right from the start that there was nothing between us, but I was just obsessed with him. Now, I'm better without him. I don't miss the texts or calls anymore. I don't feel anything for him anymore.

I think it's better to let go of people who are never meant for us.

Wow that’s quite a story and I’m sorry!

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When people say they don’t believe in love, it’s their subtle way to let you know they just aren’t into you in that way. That’s often the case with “not believing in marriage or not believing in commitment etc “ They do when they meet the right person. When someone says such thing it’s time to move on and move on quick

Yes I agree with you divine
I do think that was a big hint. I shouldn't be texting him but I am, he's so different,. There's that something about him that I can't describe. I want to stay in touch, and if he'll come my way someday that would be nice. We'll see. Thanks to the other people here for sharing your stories. Much appreciated!

I suggest you journal for yourself and describe what is ‘that something about him’. Have you had other relationships with (semi) unavailable men?

I have. When you start really looking at it with open eyes, you see there’s really nothing special about them. Or, at least, what we want to be ‘that something about them’ really isn’t there. It feels like qualities have been attributed to them they don’t actually have. It helps with putting the emotions back into reality and finding closure.

I strongly agree with you. I thought there was something special with that guy I was obsessed with, too. I couldn't describe what it was either. Now, I don't see anything. It was all a fantasy and it took me 3 years to finally realize it.

@Kelly68, I had a guy years ago whom I thought was particularly special, but it was mainly because he was such a huge support for me in ways no one else had been up to that point in my life. But when I looked at our actual chemistry, our interests, our values and our approach to the relationship, I did not find much commonality between us.

Along the lines of what @TishaBuv is saying... I wonder if the same is true for you? Because this guy has been so supportive of you in a multitude of ways, that it felt good to feel so supported and that's what has made him so special to you?

There's nothing wrong with seeing someone from a light of appreciation.... in fact, it's really good to appreciate a person for what they've done for us.

I get the sense that this may be a part of the reason why he sticks in your mind so much?

I have been doing some journaling, I started that a couple years ago, trying to make sense of the last relationship that went horribly wrong. With this guy too, I'll write out things that bother me. I have seen the real attributes about him, it's related to his faith and the work he does. But it doesn't change the fact that he went from being supportive friend, to saying I love you, to dropping the whole idea of anything going further.

I'm not a child and he's sometimes come across as patronizing. I need people who support me, not tell me what they think I did wrong. Not at my age. I'll give one example. I was crying and trembling, my brother had assaulted me. He punched me in the chest, because I said all that alcohol (he was giving my father a bottle of brandy a day) wasn't good for him. My brother was constantly aggravating me while I was living with my father caregiving for him. Disgusting words he called me.

Anyways, after the punch I felt like calling the police. My father said no, and I didn't want to disrupt the family because he loved my brother greatly. But I texted this man I'm talking about, and he was all for my brother still must be great guy, and no don't call the police you'll ruin his life. Excuse me but I was put right back in my mind to the other abuses that happened to me. And he was saying deep down he's a great guy but didn't know a thing about my brother.

That's gone, but i have 2 siblings that have both been controlling and abusive in my life. I tried explaining my mental health, the reasons for it, how I grew up, and he put me down by saying maybe I dreamt all that up.

That's enough for now, that gives me plenty just there to not want anything to do with this man. I had forgotten those things. I tend to remember the positives of people and it drowns out the most obvious negative reasons not to be involved. He did do things that felt supportive. But I'm done with his games. He did text, and this will sound silly. But there's many times he puts x or o's after, and then there's times he stops. It's his way of saying he's no longer interested. We aren't in high school, so the whole thing about leaving x's and o's seems childish. This man is another boy in a mans body. He won't admit that. I need another coffee.

I'm going to focus on myself and my needs. I realized that I don't need a man. It's nice to have one, but it's not a priority anymore. Took me years to get to this point. THanks to everyone

Well, he did initiate texting again. What's it been 3 weeks or so since I saw him. I replied he's welcome here. He said he'd visit me. He texted this morning, just to finish our conversation about vaccination. I don't know why I listened to him, he texted a lengthy 4 or so texts please don't get vaccinated yet. He's all into this thinking there will be unknown side effects likely or we don't know yet, I agree but I cancelled my appointment just because he started to make me more anxious than I already was. I thought getting vaccinated would be great since I plan to go back to work in a business where you're in close contact with clients. It just proved to me how easily I'm influenced.. I need to stay away from him. I have, but not even texting. I just asked what he's doing today, and "i have family over." ok, that's fine, I wasn't looking to see him just curious what he'd say. So, I've already mentioned I'd like to meet his family. I'm so done, it's so stupid to let him continue to make me think he cares about me but I'm not worth introducing. Men. I've got a bad idea in my head about them now. My landlord purposely does stuff to annoy me. So sick of this. I can't wait to have my own place. As soon as he said the word family, it makes me realize how much I miss my dad.

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Well, he did initiate texting again. What's it been 3 weeks or so since I saw him. I replied he's welcome here. He said he'd visit me.

So you think something is better than nothing? Personally, I wouldn't want or need that kind of guy in my life....to each their own

Why would you tell him he's welcome at your place when you've determined he is patronizing towards you? And why would you let him talk you out of your vaccination appt when it's important for your work? It seems you still want this man's attention and despite not wanting him anymore since you asked him what he's up to only to see if he wanted to see you and would tell you so. You sound confused. That's not a criticism, you just sound conflicted.

I told my ex fiancé I was not interested in having a text relationship with him and that was that.

Is he a doctor? If not why would his opinion on vaccination even matter. I don’t think there is any reason for him to introduce you to his family if you aren’t a couple

I know it’s hard to let go, but the longer you hold on to him, the more you’ll get hurt.

It feels good to have someone during these difficult times and I understand how a text can do so much.

The only thing I can say is, take care of yourself first.

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