How to let a good one go?

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Originally Posted by mssweatypalms I know it’s hard to let go, but the longer you hold on to him, the more you’ll get hurt. It feels good to have someone during these difficult times and I understand how a text can do so much. The only thing I can say is, take care of yourself first. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have learned it FEELS even better to stand up for yourself. I had an old acquaintance from high school/college reconnect with me a few years ago. He was annoying even just wanting to be a friend & it was unbalancing my peaceful life even just over social media. I unfriended him to start with but it took blocking him to finally stop it & it felt so good to know I was in control of my life & my peace. Felt so much better than trying to work on a relationship that constantly kept my peaceful life unbalanced

I know what you mean when you say it feels good to be in control again. It's been a month since I stopped any connection with the guy I was obsessed with. I probably said this in other threads again and again. Only after 3 years, I was finally able to let go.


Last night, I was feeling awful and I had the habit of texting him when I felt that way before. I just remembered it since it was a habit, but I always keep in mind that my life is much better without him. I was crying and dealing with my situation by myself, but it was better than the pain I would feel when I imagine him doing something to hurt my feelings again. Never again.

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Originally Posted by mssweatypalms I know what you mean when you say it feels good to be in control again. It's been a month since I stopped any connection with the guy I was obsessed with. I probably said this in other threads again and again. Only after 3 years, I was finally able to let go. Last night, I was feeling awful and I had the habit of texting him when I felt that way before. I just remembered it since it was a habit, but I always keep in mind that my life is much better without him. I was crying and dealing with my situation by myself, but it was better than the pain I would feel when I imagine him doing something to hurt my feelings again. Never again.

Good for you ....nothing better than the feeling of being the one in control

In the limerence situation I had, I was the one to stop contact by not responding to an email. He had said something that was finally a clear message that he did not ever want to commit to me. I realized there was no hope. So I didn’t respond. He had been toying with me by giving just enough encouragement to keep me wondering. Now he had made himself clear, not in a way as though my affection was annoying to him, rather a simple statement that showed me I was not at all in his thoughts for his future.

It felt good to be the one to be in control by letting it go without response. But, I wished he had reached out again to ask why I didn’t respond and that he did want me. He probably never gave my departure a second thought. He just toyed with me because it fed his ego.

I was not letting go of ‘a good one’. I was pining after a bad one who cared little for me and used me to feed his ego.

Though I had thought about him obsessively previously, once I let go, he rarely crossed my mind again. It felt liberating but lonely. The fantasy of limerence felt fulfilling although it was 90% imaginery. The reality of the nothingness is lonely.

The whole dysfunctional way of thinking stems from a place of emotional issues. Healthy people have healthy real relationships.

Thanks for all the input. There really is nothing more to think about. I am not coming from a healthy place right now. I've lost all family, even though we never had a good relationship between us siblings. I've tried to keep the peace between them, I did my best. The farm, the horses, my dad, everything is gone. I guess that's why I'm on this forum, I have issues. This guy has been trying to be supportive, but I also remember telling him I take medication for depression and he disagrees with even that. Also my pain med, oh you shouldn't have that. It's prescribed by a doctor, I don't like weed, he smokes that and drinks. Anyways, I've got way too much on my mind to bother thinking about this guy. I'll get my vaccination later.

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Originally Posted by Kelly68 I don't feel dependent on him for support now. But knowing it's not in the cards to have a relationship doesn't change that I want to see him. But I'm not doing any chasing any more. I never really did, we'd always agree on a time that suits him. I was ready to just let him go a few weeks ago, I brought him a small gift. It was my way of trying to deny that I want to keep seeing him. This might not be right, but I'm not using him, he's offered to help me figure out my finances, and I don't want to have to talk about money after dad died, but the reality is I have to figure out what to do with that when I get it. He owns property, he knows the ins and outs of things as he's said he runs his own company where he is retiring. I really don't think he has another woman, but his last gf died a year and half ago. I accidentally opened a jar of something that looks like bath salts and rubbed my hands in it. It was obviously womens stuff so I wondered why he had it. He said it was his dead gfs and I said smell it from my hand and he looked all emotional and said he hadn't smelled that in a long time. He loved her. I think he was just trying to do a kindness for me but he also wanted sex. That's fine. But initiating texts will stop. If he doesn't ask to see me, I'll be fine. I really like him though. I'm getting older and it's hard right now with everything I'm going through, so having him make me laugh and talk for hours was really nice. As for why I say most men tune a woman out, it's because I know once a relationship progresses they aren't really interested in hearing the same old stuff. If the fire burns too fast the sooner it burns out. I'm tired, I hope I made some sense. Thanks for the input from you all.

I’m no prude but sometimes sex without a real relationship is a recipe for disaster. Why would he commit he’s going to another country but he gets to have sex you know what I mean?

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Originally Posted by Kelly68 And I'm quite in reality, I'm not sitting around in dreamland with a fantasy that this is anything other than what it's been. I think in a previous post I made it quite clear that I'm good with whatever happens. I said a prayer for him, and I've asked God to give me an answer as to what to do. As far as I think that is concerned, God is fine with me continuing to see him, but definitely not running my own financial resources dry by driving to him. He'll come my way, that's what I believe. The highest form of love is called Phileo.... Christian love for one another is the highest form of love that Jesus taught us to have. Sorry if religion is offensive to anyone, but this is the first Christian man I've had in my life, and I'm sure I'm not done with this man yet. Sorry I seemed reactive to your post @eskielover It just seemed too blunt.

I understand being of a certain religion and wanting a partner in that same religion. I know it can create a bond religiously and romantically and spiritually. But how Christian is he based on that behavior?

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Originally Posted by Kelly68 Well, he did initiate texting again. What's it been 3 weeks or so since I saw him. I replied he's welcome here. He said he'd visit me. He texted this morning, just to finish our conversation about vaccination. I don't know why I listened to him, he texted a lengthy 4 or so texts please don't get vaccinated yet. He's all into this thinking there will be unknown side effects likely or we don't know yet, I agree but I cancelled my appointment just because he started to make me more anxious than I already was. I thought getting vaccinated would be great since I plan to go back to work in a business where you're in close contact with clients. It just proved to me how easily I'm influenced.. I need to stay away from him. I have, but not even texting. I just asked what he's doing today, and "i have family over." ok, that's fine, I wasn't looking to see him just curious what he'd say. So, I've already mentioned I'd like to meet his family. I'm so done, it's so stupid to let him continue to make me think he cares about me but I'm not worth introducing. Men. I've got a bad idea in my head about them now. My landlord purposely does stuff to annoy me. So sick of this. I can't wait to have my own place. As soon as he said the word family, it makes me realize how much I miss my dad.

OK hang on…. I admit I’m extremely passionate about vaccines and volunteer as a vaccine angel. And I know there are people who have strong thoughts about vaccines. But I can’t help questioning his ability to understand basic science and the ways viruses work. And even if he believes these things he has zero right to berate and debate with you enough to cancel your appointment. And he ghosted you but then has time to text 4 times about vaccines ?? And I’m sorry you felt the need to cancel over when any man or woman would say. And in case it’s about religion absolutely nothing about Christianity supports an anti vaccination campaign.

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I think if you are truly ready to accept there is no relationship and move on is toblock him. All forms of social media or texting. It’s the only way you can pull away.

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I doubt much is going to happen. Sex without a relationship could be a disaster, it could also just be simplified knowing I'm not in a relationship. It's still something though. This went on for quite some time before I wanted some affection besides a hand or a hug. It's not right, as a Christian in my mind, but I was needing that hug and I was very attracted to him. I really don't want to go into length, but he did say don't let him bully me into not getting a vaccination, he just wanted me to think about it for a few days. He didn't ghost me for 3 weeks, I meant I haven't seen him in that long. I do think he cares about me. It won't matter, I've known for a long time, he's leaving. He was supposed to leave this year but he couldn't for reasons I don't want to get into. I remember saying that I want to have fun.
I do. I will be fine whatever happens. I think it would be stupid to block him. He's leaving anyway. Emails are possible, we've done that before when he was away.
I'm not attached as emotionally as I've been with much worse men. I'll be fine. And the vax has nothing to do with christian beliefs. He did beg me to wait on the vax, so I did feel pressured to change my mind. If i want success in anything in life, I first need to control my thoughts. I don't have to think about him all the time and I don't. I need to either get back to working or start a new hobby or skill (weight loss and exercise is already on my mind), and getting back to playing piano. I've got tons of things to do, but when it comes down to the big why I did this, it is affection and humor and attention. He's witty. He's kind. I'm done with the thread, but I appreciate you read all of that @sarahsweets
Thank you.

The title of this thread should have been "how can I learn to be ok with myself when I'm lonely and all my friends are far away,. How do I stop using the excuse in my mind that because someone seems to enjoy my company it makes sense to get in my car and drive to see someone"..

So I said I won't respond anymore to my thread. I do want to say, I've learned something from all of this. I've learned I do know the intent of this man, even earlier on,
and I ignore what I want. I'm not doing that anymore. It does feel so good to feel in control of my own life. He asked me to help him with moving, I wanted to get out of here and drive. I listened all day into the night with him talking to me. I've been either blessed or cursed with a good memory. His story changed. I won't go out with a liar. I won't ever chase a man again. I've done that before. He said "i don't see what's wrong with that" I gave him a blank stare, but it's so obvious that it's wrong, it's unfair. He showed little interest in my own life, but he used to.. . I asked him more questions about his faith. His answer doesn't work, I don't believe in God the way he does. I called him out on some other bs that he's said. Then he changed. I'll still appreciate the whole experience because that's how we grow and learn. I didn't want to talk when I left. I don't think it's right to just not say good bye. So I texted (he won't phone, I know the reason} , but I said what I needed to. It doesn't work for me. I won't be what he wants me to be. It's not that this was any intense romantic desire from either of us I think we truly enjoyed each other's company. But when I wanted to agree to have sex, I went against my own morals. It was tempting, I was attracted, lonely..... I have to be ok with myself alone and I am, but affection is so good to have. I realized how all of this was so centered around what he wants that I truly am done. It feels good, I got the "closure" I needed for myself.

I do so appreciate the caring people on this forum and being supportive.

Yep, we have to get to the point you just got to to be able to totally walk away & yes, we have to hold strong to our own morals be cause those wanting us to change will be gone tomorrow & we will be left asking ourselves...."why did I do that?" I learned to live within my own morals because I am the one I have to live with & my relationship to God.

I left my husband 14 years ago & divorced 3 years now. I love my single life & my critters give me great heart connections better than I ever had with my EX. My farm 2100 miles away from him keeps me so busy I never have spare time to even think about having anyone else in my life & I truly finally love the life I am living. Glad you have been finally able to get to a good balanced place in your life

Oh I have a long way before I feel I have a balanced life I think. ,Yes, very true, I have to live with myself, and be accountable to what I do..I do want to do what I know is right or I feel horrible for sinning. I often ask myself why did I do that. I think it's very hard to resist a hug, to just have someone touch you. Yes pets are good, I have a cat. I've always loved dogs too. I miss the horses. But it wouldn't be the same as having another human soul that loves you. But yes, we never know when someone is going to leave, or die, anything can happen. I can't torment myself over a man.

If there isn't one coming to me in the future, I will at least be able to live with myself knowing I don't have to feel like I need forgiveness, because it is a sin when not married. I wish that my marriage had worked, but it didn't. I was young, and people do still change for the worse sometimes. I'm not referring to this guy now, he won't change. I felt relief when I let him go.

I'm glad you're happy with your life and thanks for the support @eskielover