Trust Issues

*part of this might trigger*

I am wondering how to get past trust issues, especially early on in a relationship...

Very early on in a previous relationship, I was sexually and verbally abused. The way that I was degraded was really bad and hurt my self-esteem. I did not leave the relationship soon enough, because I felt so unworthy and held onto the crumbs of affection I would sometimes get.

Now, if someone were to hurt me, I have really bad thoughts about retaliating in some way. Part of this is because I would feel like an idiot for allowing myself to get in that position. It caused a lot of anger. My relationship afterwards did not work out either due to some emotional abuse, and then when my partner tried to work on himself and make up for it, there was emotional infidelity that shattered me.

Now, I am in a new relationship and are developing the same thoughts where I feel angry that the abuse that I went through left me like this. In certain sexual situations, I feel triggered, although it is enjoyable. Emotionally, I feel so afraid to trust him though and feel I would snap if something went wrong. I also have streaks of jealousy and possible Borderline traits. I also get fixated on saying the wrong thing and have ruminating thoughts where I go over it in my head over and over with fear my partner is mad at me.

I question if I will ever recover from this. I've been in therapy before, but the one therapist that I liked the most only takes Medicare now. Plus, I am ashamed to open up about certain things. On top of that, my manic highs and lows complicate things. Today I am really depressed, but I also have racing thoughts.

Any advice on where to start with trusting someone and getting past intense fears of abandonment, or can anyone relate?

I would ask how long was the prior relationship, how much space in between, how did you meet the person you are with now, why are you in a relationship with them?

You mentioned certain things turn you on, borderline traits, manic highs and not having a therapist.

In light of all that I would say your trust issues are not misplaced . To me they sound like a warning signal to slow down.

Can you say more about what your experiences in therapy have been?

In the one relationship, there was a space of 2 years, and then I went back, then called things off after 6 months. Before that, the relationship was 8 years.
That particular relationship was great for a while. But that relationship ended for good in 2016. Prior to that, there was a more abusive relationship that was a really long time ago that hurt me a lot more than the other relationship. That was the one I was a few years and very difficult to explain.

This new relationship is with someone I met online. I really thought I was in a healthier place, but now things are resurfacing. He has been treating me well though.

My one therapist was helping me gain more insight into past patterns and would try to get me to a place where I saw that there are healthier partners out there and that I would have to give myself time. It has been a while since I've seen her though. It was difficult talking about some of the tiny details that would trigger me, because I felt humiliated.

Thanks! Is this the one that now only takes Medicare?

Yes. I'm thinking about finding another one. I have to find one to accommodate me based on my work schedule though.

That sounds good.

Are there other trust issues besides intense fear of abandonment?

So you met him online and it’s now f2f?
I would ask what are your goals for this relationship? What are you hoping to get out of it?

It's been f2f all along. We only talked online briefly before we moved to seeing each other. It was through a dating site. I am pretty simple... I just want to find a companion where we can build a deep connection, do nice things together, see what develops. My intentions I feel were healthy going into this. It's just that my past is starting to come up.

What kind of advice are you looking for?

So Sorry for what you've been through! Please Do not give up! It can be hard to work on our past i think so i'd say take your time with your therapist to disclose what happened if possible. Try to do your best like i am sure you're already doing. Please do keep us updated if you want to. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that your feelings are valid. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending manySSafe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @xRavenx, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I'm wondering if anyone who has dealt with these issues ever found any relief or if things could ever get better. I feel like nothing has helped that much.

Personally whenever I felt unsettled or not fully trusting or anxious etc it was because my guts were telling me that these men were wrong for me. When I’ve met the right one I felt none of that. I heard it from many women who felt insecure or fear of abandonment or anxious and thought it was them. Then they met the right match and they felt none of that. So wasn’t really them. Well it was in a sense of their guts telling them to be careful

Yea. I think I read on one of my narcissistic abuse recovery sites that as soon as you started asking questions that indicates a problem. Basically the same thing you’re saying, if everything was good, you wouldn’t be asking questions. Good advice.

I’m going to second what divine1966 said. I know you and I talked about this guy before and I see you’ve been posting about him for awhile. It could be that he’s not right for you, it could be that you’re not ready for a relationship yet. The thing is are you willing to hear something that doesn’t line up with what you want?

I have taken into account everything, and I just don't think I'm ever going to be ready.

How about maybe this isn’t the right guy for you like others have hinted at? Don’t judge yourself harshly . Learn from this situation . I think if you work on yourself in therapy you will have a better experience the next time. Instead of perhaps condemning yourself you might want to consider it a pause .

When there has been trauma, feelings of aversion do not necessarily prove that the current partner is unsuitable.

One must distinguish between feelings of aversion caused by the current partner, and feelings of aversion caused by the traumatic past, especially when

A (trauma) therapist can help with this.

You sound so discouraged . Still, I encourage you to not give up. You unfortunately could not continue with the therapist that you liked, but do try to find a (trauma) therapist that you can work with!

You mentioned borderline traits. Perhaps also consider dialectical behavior therapy, which is a known and effective treatment for those traits.

I read your original post and the subsequent discussion. A big hug to you for the trauma you have been through. You certainly didn't deserve any of it. You asked if anybody has had similar experiences and how did they get over it, so I am putting in my two cents.

I have been through two long-term, very traumatic, romantic relationships. I have sought therapy (during the second one). Mentally, I am now in a much better position. I am surer of myself. But I have found out that I can't risk being vulnerable in the initial stage of a relationship.

I take things MUCH less seriously now. That is the best advice I can give to you. Don't let your life revolve around your relationship. Don't be in a rush to form an attachment too quickly. Keep your eyes peeled for red flags, but also let loose and try to go with the flow. Don't judge this man too quickly, and keep an open mind. Try to test his reactions with a few harmless questions, like asking his views on women earning more than men, his idea of 'consent' etc. You don’t need to make it sound like police questioning, just casually slide it in when you are having deep and meaningfuls. Try to know him as much as possible before you open your heart to him. Hope this helps.