Med student really needs help deciding whether to continue relationship!! :(

SmilesGirl

You have no need to worry about support, you have it 1000%!

Please follow through with the advice given and listen to your instinct. Writing everything down is very important. Protect yourself in every way you can, not just personally but with any tech you use and people you talk to. When you're out, be situationally aware in case he's engaged a private investigator.

Sorry if you've already said this, but do your parents know exactly what he is like and his view of them? Wonder how his parents would react if they knew. Surely they can't condone this behaviour, even if he is their son.

He needs a massive wake up call and unfortunately it's fallen to you to action it.

Not making light of your situation but this reminds me of the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy". Please don't get to the stage where you have to take the same drastic action. There are so many support services available to you. Start using them immediately before he gets the chance to spread evil lies about you. He's obviously not considered how all this could affect his career; not as smart as he likes to think he is!

Please take care and stand firm. You've done nothing wrong. Please check in with us as often as you can, just so that we know you're okay

Wow. I am still in shock from your latest post. I am glad you were able to get yourself out of there safely.

I am particularly worried that he will come to your school/clinic or home and try to cause you problems. You have gotten some good advice here already about preventing that. I hope that you can get in touch with a support organization for victims of domestic abuse that will be help you to take additional steps to ensure your safety. If moving is a possibility, I would consider that if I were you. However, I understand you are on a limited budget and you may not have that option.


Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.

WOW - just WOW. That is some serious craziness and crazy behavior. This man is very unstable and dangerous!

I can't say anything more that hasn't already been said.... I do encourage you to also call a local domestic violence center and get yourself a domestic violence advocate, if they have this in you city. An advocate can help guide you through the leaving process safely. I would also try and get a restraining order if you can through your local police.

I hope you are OK? You must be SO shaken up by all of that. It's most traumatizing.

Leave him.

He is dangerous both abusive and mentally unstable.

((((((((SmilesGirl))))))))

There is so much good advice from my fellow posters in this thread and I agree.

No money to him. Zero.

Never visit him again. Change your phone number. If he appears in your city, call the police, after the police report get a restraining order. Do not reply to messages or calls. Ghost him.

Do call a lawyer but also call a woman’s shelter to get specific advice on how to be safe and protect yourself. He is not only trying to cut you off from family and friends network he is trying to financially disabled you.

be strong you can do this.

Thank you so much Bill3
It has been so heartbreaking and scary and honestly a huge waste of my time that should be spent, like my peers, actually learning Medicine.

Thank you very much SarahSweets. That is definitely good advice. I will look into that camera you suggested. And stay far, far away. I am speaking with a lawyer now. It’s difficult because we seem locked in a reputational “nuclear arms race” of sorts. I just want out! Just want to escape without antagonizing this man anymore.

Thank you

Thank you so much, poshgirl

It has been such a rough experience. Yes, I am close with my parents. Honestly, they are a bit frustrated with me for continuing to date this man. They have been encouraging me to end it since I started med school but I was too in love, and naive, immature to recognize the signs. I was also scared to really take on the world alone. And I thought this man who loved me and had been through med school himself would be such a great help to my success in my career and personal life. Sad how everything has turned out. But my parents are very happy I’m talking to a lawyer and are very supportive I’m finally accepting that I need to leave.

Thanks, Rechu
I’m not able to move but I was smart enough to not tell him my exact address anymore, after the email episode. I don’t tell him any details too specific about my current boss, medical preceptor, advisory Dean, friends, and location. He does know my school though, which is a problem.

Thanks Have Hope
Honestly, I think the psychological trauma is the worst part. Every time I think of myself sobbing uncontrollably in that restaurant on thanksgiving morning and him saying hurtful things to me (in public!), ordering tons of expensive food, then leaving and sticking me with a bill that I couldn’t afford, I just start crying all over again.
And kicking myself for planting myself in such a uniquely sad situation.

I have been calling the Domestic Violence hotline a lot over the past few days. They are always so nice and listen to me talk for an hour each time. It’s very helpful.

First, I found your last post (about thanksgiving) truly shocking, but as hard as it might be doing the work to get away from him, it’s great that you’ve started and have sought the level of support you need you don’t owe him a bean!

Update:

Thanks again for all the advice and especially the kind emotional support ❤️

I was able to get a consultation with a lawyer in my area with years of experience working in Domestic Abuse cases. I told her my full story and she was definitely helpful. The situation is complicated and many of the arbitrary distinctions in the law don’t really help me here.

She said that I am not eligible for a protective order, only a peace order in my state because his behaviors qualify only as “harassment” and not “stalking”. For a Peace Order, I need to have physical proof, email or text message, within the last 30 days that a judge would deem significant harassment. He would be notified of the temporary peace order and would be able to appear in court with a lawyer to fight it and if granted the Peace Order would only last six months. Then he would be free to harass again.

Most of his abusive statements were made in person over the last month. I have screenshots, emails, texts, etc from the last few months and over the entire six years. But over the last month, he hasn’t texted or emailed anything that was “definitively” threatening. She is not sure if we would be successful in a request for a Peace Order. And she only suggests attempting it if we are certain we will get it because he will likely get very angry. She also worries that he could just wait it out and then blackmail me again in the future. She says she often sees abusers get enraged and become even more vindictive after peace/protective orders or threats of one. Another problem is that the problematic behaviors occurred in Massachusetts not my own state so I would probably need to get the protective order in that state for those behaviors to “count”. It would be tedious and expensive for me to travel to Boston to appear for the court dates. And I am not a resident of Massachusetts either.

She thinks that the best course of action may be for her, a lawyer, to send him a “cease and desist “ letter that might remind him of the gravity of the situation and get him to stop the harassment. She thinks that his career reputation will force him to cooperate, as he won’t want it to “get out” how he treats me. I am dubious that such a letter will have any effect other than to anger him and make him more aggressive. What if he uses his own lawyer to sue me? Then I would be struggling with large legal fees that I can’t afford ($384/hour) to fight him off. I told her that he wants the money back from various flights he bought. She agrees with me that this is a ridiculous request! She confirmed that any money spent on a relationship is a gift and he has no standing to ask for it back. She thinks we would win that legal case but it would be expensive and a huge waste of my time.

She said that, practically it might be best if I could just pay off the money he wanted to get out of this. I said I would if I had the money. Another problem is that he keeps changing the amount he expects me to repay!! First it was $2500, then he sent me a Venmo request for $3200, then it was $3750, and who knows what he thinks it should be now! This is such a paltry amount of money for him, he makes $15,000/month! So it’s just absurd. She agrees but thinks it would be easiest and fastest.

I suggested maybe we could write a promissory note/letter together with conditions that he stop harassing me and not email any schools, bosses, mentors, friends of mine and leave me alone forever, and I would pay him back this money over my years in residency. Then we could tell him this over a zoom meeting with all three of us. It’s such a small amount of money, in the grand scheme, for him to be threatening my career over. I think this makes the most sense. My lawyer was pretty unhappy about this. She says that helping me do this feels very unethical to her because he is entirely in the wrong here. I agree but the law isn’t written to really help people in my situation and without a protective order covering the next three years, I’m just scared.
I think this will be the best option but I’m taking some time to think about it. I think he will feel that he “won” and leave me alone.

She told me that she was going to give me this $384 hour long consultation for free after she heard my story. She also gave me the phone number of a local domestic violence coalition to call for more support. She also said that she doesn’t usually give relationship or divorce advice but, after hearing everything, she thinks this is an especially egregious case and that the relationship is so toxic and scary that I should never go back to his house and I should absolutely leave. His desire for a prenuptial agreement that prevented me from communicating with my parents was unbelievable. I said I agree and thanked her.

I have Talkspace through my health insurance and I pay out of pocket for BetterHelp as well because I really need to talk to a therapist each week. I have my first virtual video session with my Talkspace therapist tonight so hopefully that is helpful.

Thanks for reading and for all the support, friends ❤️

You need to put this in your lawyers hands. You cannot bribe him into treating you well, which is what your proposed agreement sounds like. You are still engaging with him - that is not good.

His threats to you are entirely bogus. Its like putting revenge pictures of you on the internet - its ridiculous. Why dont you see that?

The more you engage with him, the more questionable your own sanity and judgment appear. You are trying to bend facts to suit your imagination. That is not a good look for a doctor. Get out.

Let your lawyer handle it. Cease and desist - you and him.

Eta - you need your own letter detailing what actions YOU should stop doing.

This is not about the money for him - it's about power and control over you, which is what all abuse is really all about. Power and control over another. If it were me, I would prefer to go to court and contest the money owed back since you have a likelihood of winning that case. If you choose to pay him back over time, you are still tied to him in some way and are still forced to communicate with him for years to come. Though of course I understand your legitimate fears that he could attempt again to slander and harm you professionally. It's not an easy position to be in, that's for sure. I would definitely call the local domestic violence coalition for additional support and guidance. I have done that myself, and it has proven to be most helpful. I would listen to what your lawyer suggests: a cease and desist letter may just do the trick.

Paying him? For what? It doesn’t even make sense.

First of all it wasn’t a loan and second of all you cannot appease people like him. And why?

He is going to sue you? For what? I really don’t understand this. Is there more to the story?

Block him and cut all contacts and if he keeps bothering you, then get law enforcement and lawyers involved. You can’t really ask for restraining order if you intend to have zoom sessions with him and sending him letters. Cut him off and let the lawyer deal with it if he demands things. Cease and desist and move on.

He was a boyfriend. Not a husband. You have no kids and no property together. Prolonging contacts with him is unnecessary and he has no legal power here at all

I don't think paying him any money is a good idea at all. That won't make him back off - AND as that lawyer said it was a gift. He is only doing this to manipulate you, knowing you are struggling financially.

Besides, what if he keep changing the amount? What if he keeps coming back for more? And more? This is blackmail and you have not even done anything 'wrong'. Don't give in to his manipulation. He has you on a string and will want to keep dangling you there.

And please, in the future, don't let anyone push you around like this... cutting you off from family, controlling and abusing you.

Blackmail is a crime. Keep records of all of his threats and share them with your attorney.

You don't owe him any money. Don't pay him any.

Block him completely. If he nevertheless intrudes after that, tell your attorney and the police.

Hang in there! You are getting on course towards your freedom!

Thanks so much everyone for the support and the feedback. Maybe my fear is making me paranoid and irrational. Medical school is stressful and busy enough. An email denouncing my negative qualities to my Dean would look soo unprofessional. I really hate the thought. I just really wish I could get a signed document that he will stop harassing me

I will call the Coalition today for further legal advice and experience. I’m sure they will confirm what my lawyer said.

That’s for certain! I will never get into this situation again. I’m going to stay single, finish school, and focus on building strong friendships for the time being. Then approach with a lot more caution and have higher standards for respect.

An email announcing your negative qualities to the dean will just look like it came from the Middle Ages! From someone who thinks youre his property!

You cant win his game. You have to leave his game. You have to play your own game.

Dean will not care about some boyfriend writing about your negative qualities. Who cares.

You assigned too much power to this guy over the course of your relationship and now it’s time to take it back. If you intend to become a doctor, it’s paramount that you work on independent thinking skills and decision making skills. You have to be able to make your own decisions and think for yourself. You allowed this dude to make decisions for you and think for you, but now it’s time to stop. Stay strong. Don’t try to outsmart this guy. Just move on from him. Leave him in the past

I just want to re-emphasize what Have Hope said. He doesn't need or particularly care about the money. He wants to dominate and humiliate you.